father knows best

dads are really cool. dads are awesome. i love my dad. i love my wife's dad. if i've met your dad, chances are i love him. dads are the easiest people in the world to talk to (robo ken being the exception... that man frightens me. when i met him, i could have swore that he was going to look at me and say "you're fired." "from what, sir?" would have been my reply. "from being my son's friend. you're a dirty hippie and i want you out of my house.")

when you meet a dad it's guaranteed that you can talk about at least one of the following subjects for a considerable amount of time: the weather, sports, occupation, travel times between various destinations and attractions in any given location across the country. outside of those universal topics, there are many other topics that can be addressed with a father, depending upon their interest: fishing, hunting, politics, cars, real estate, religion, movies, classic rock, etc.

kevin and i have talked several times about how we are great with dads, and how proud we are of this. heidi may never have married me if her dad didn't love me so much. i have mentioned in this blog before how he was the one who asked me to marry his daughter. i win.

coates is going to be a dad soon. coates will be a good dad (you get a shout out in my blog if i find out that you actually read it). why all of this talk about dads? it's pretty simple: dads are really important. moms are important too, but i'll never be a mom, so i don't really care about them. mom is stuck with whatever offspring falls from her uterus; no matter how stupid, sloppy, rude, crazy, etc. that kid is. mom gets stuck with the bill. moms are heroes. they really are.

a dad should be his son or daughter's hero #1. sadly, dads don't always stick around. when stuff gets bad, dads can take off. and far too often, dads do take off. perhaps because the kid didn't spend nine months in his body, he feels less of an attachment. perhaps because he doesn't lactate milk he doesn't feel as essential and necessary to the whole process. and perhaps he "fell out of love," "wasn't ready to be a dad" or "ran off with the 19 year-old down the street." excuses... nothing makes me more upset.

disclaimer of sorts: i'm passionate about this stuff. it really gets me going. if you didn't have a dad, or your dad never was to you what he should have been, that's not on you. i'm not saying that boys and girls can't grow up to be good people without a dad, but i do think that it's really hard. so if this topic hits a sensitive nerve with you, then i am truly sorry, but my hope is not to make you feel like hell about the lack of a father in your life, but rather to celebrate sweet dads and encourage you to become one (if you are not already)

i work with kids. i work with poor kids who are diagnosed with some sort of mental health disorder. my current caseload is 33 children, and 32 of them are boys (the one is the sister of one of my boys, so i gotta keep her). i ran the stats, and 29/33 of the children i see on a weekly basis are growing up without a father in their life.

some dads are alcoholics and live on the other side of town but have no interest in seeing their sons. some dads are in prison. some dads pay child support and some do not. some dads died, and some do not know where their family is because he chose to beat his wife/girlfriend and/or children.

sometimes the dad still is in the house, but sadly, it does not make much of a difference. i visit homes where 'father of the year' is playing 'call of duty 4' and 'grand theft auto' while mom is yelling at the kids to stop hitting each other, clean up their rooms, stop talking back and take a timeout. dad is playing his video game. he's there, and that's a step in the right direction, but it's not enough.

it's really pretty simple. a kid should have a dad. i realize that this is not always possible, but we can't explain away the trends of destruction experienced by a growing majority of boys and girls simply because we are not comfortable with the conclusion. i'm not sexist. if the stats showed that kids were growing up in homes with a single dad, then we could talk about that, but it's just not the case. there is an epidemic and it really is tragic.

there are countless examples, especially in the sports world (the only world i really know anything about): what do vince young, pacman jones, randy moss, terrell owens, allen iverson and almost 70 percent of black professional athletes have in common? you guessed it, no dad in the picture (2 out of 3 black children grow up in a single-parent home). now anytime a middle-class white dude even mentions race, things get uncomfortable and tense. therefore, i won't make any sweeping generalizations or precise comments. i will tell you to read this article and probably countless other examples that can be seen in society and the media.

so where is this going? what's the point? the big picture?

barak obama will not change the country. i know everybody is hopeful and excited and that's great. and perhaps mr. obama can inspire deadbeat dads to grow up and take some initiative in their lives and do the hard thing. i don't know. i'm really not sure what the job description of the president is, but he makes nice speeches and if someone has a his ear, perhaps you can suggest that he addresses this in one of those fancy 'state of the union' speeches.

but until that happens (and even if it did, who would really listen and take it to heart?) we are in dire need of a plan. it's time to take a step in the right direction.

i'm extremely fortunate to be a part of a church that gets it. week after week i listen to a pastor (a devoted husband and father of 5) tell men to grow up and take some responsibility. as with all things in life, the charge begins with "grow up... work harder, pay attention, do good..." but it goes beyond that. the bible says that we have a Father, and he is God. that's a pretty remarkable thing to say. i have a great father, but i have an even greater Father that has adopted me and brought me into his family. why am i a christian? why do i go to church, read the bible, pray, try to love people and be honest and love and honor my wife? it's not because i'm a good dude. it's not because i think that if i try really hard and if my good stuff outweighs my bad stuff then i might get a shot to escape the flames of hell. the reason, the cause, the thing that compels me is the grace i have received and a simple desire to experience the joy of that grace every day of my life.

one of these days i'm going to be a dad. my friend nate downey is a great dad of two (soon to be three) little ones. my friend duane is a devoted father who will do everything possible to provide for, love, teach, protect, etc., his little daughter. these are just two examples of guys i know that i look up to. i can't wait to be a dad. it scares the hell out of me, but i couldn't be more excited about future. when my kid is playing the piano and guitar, playing football/basketball/baseball, raising his hand in sunday school to answer whatever question is asked with "Jesus," bringing home the best art projects of his whole class, and reading 19th century german lit in the 4th grade, i will beam with pride and joy (i have great expectations for my children). as much as i have promised heidi that i will never take off, that i will never leave her or treat her poorly, i promise to make that same commitment to whatever little ones are added to our family someday.