Monday, September 22, 2008

good and... not so much

over the weekend i was texting heidi while flipping some burgers for the in-laws. at one point my father-in-law looks at me and says: "you're really fast at that."

in case you missed what just happened, my father-in-law (who is a man's man - you know, guns, knives, fishing, builds and fixes stuff, loves meat, etc) complimented me on my texting ability and speed. you can imagine the pride i felt in that moment (sarcasm).

things that i'm real good at:

texting: the day i discovered t9 was one of the most revolutionary days in my lifetime. the world may never know what i could do with a blackberry or a sidekick. i can text with my right or left hand. i can text using both hands. i can text while i'm driving like it's nobody's business. i don't even have to look much of the time.

drinking liquids: whether it be a can of pbr or a big glass of water, i can drink a beverage faster than you. i am sure of this. a lot of people think they can drink a can of beer really quickly, but a lot of people have been proven wrong and put to shame. i can drink hot liquids really fast as well, but not as fast.

sleep: each night i fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. each morning i wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. throughout the course of any given night i will sleep the whole night through. i hear all these people talking - "i couldn't sleep at all last night...", "i kept waking up last night...", "i woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...". i have no idea what these people are talking about. heidi wakes up at least 14 times per night to go pee (tmi?). the only reason i know this is because she tells me about it the next morning. i am good at sleeping. i wish it was my job. if it were my job, i would probably be up for a promotion.

driving: i have been in a few accidents, but none of them were my fault, and it's been a long time since it happened. i haven't received a ticket for more than two years. i have been driving a car for 12.5 years (it hurts to type that). i feel safe when i am driving, and i think my passengers do as well. i have surprisingly quick reflexes while driving (not so much outside of an automobile). i drive a stick (speaking of, how can you not know how to drive a stick? there will come a day when the security and safety of the world depends of you driving a stick-shift somewhere to complete some task that will inevitably result in the fate of the world. you're telling me that you are willing to risk the destruction of the world on you not being able to drive a manual transmission? all because you are too lazy to shift gears... automatics are for lazy, undisciplined, unthoughtful and generally evil people who don't care about anybody but themselves.)

playing dead: heidi and i play this game where she "kills me" somehow. i then lay there, playing dead, while she tries to figure out how to "bring me back to life" (examples include: finger in the ear, pushing a certain "button" on my belly, saying something ridiculous that would bring a dead person back to life). i can play dead for hours. as long as heidi doesn't cheat and tickle me (so against the rules) i suppose i can play dead for days.

predicting the tampa bay rays accent to greatness this season: magic number is two for clinching the AL east. who could have seen this coming? oh yeah, that's right - me!

things that i'm not so good at:

eating appropriate portions of food: however much food is put on my plate for a given meal, that much food will be eaten. last night we went to the red lobster for a bday dinner for the mother-in-law. endless shrimp? bad idea. i can't help it. i eat food. all these people get chipotle or thai express or something and eat half or less and then save the other half for a later meal. i can't do this. if a plate of 46hot dogs was placed in front of me, damned if i'm not going to make myself sick trying to eat them all. pizza is the worst. don't even get me started.

daily exercise regimen: heidi wakes up each day and automatically goes for a run of several miles. i wake up each morning and contemplate whether i am actually going to run or not. then i put on my shoes and start on a run. at every possible turn i consider heading home and throwing in the towel. if i have to be at work any earlier than 9 am, then chances are that i am talking myself out of a run that morning. if it's raining, too cold, too hot, my ankle hurts, my shorts are in the dryer, the shoes are on the porch and thus would be too cold to put on my feet and spiders may have taken up residence over night, i'm taking the morning off and feeling completely justified in my decision.

politics: i just don't get it. i have no idea who i'm supposed to vote for. i don't believe anybody, while at the same time, believing everything each side says. heidi's dad is really into politics and watches foxnews all the time. when he talks to me about politics i find myself thinking, "that's a great point. that is the smartest thing i have ever heard in my life. how could anybody ever think universal health care is a good idea..." i don't know. i feel like i should care, but i just don't.

wardrobe decision-making for my wife: i'm sitting on the couch, ready to go to fill-in-the-blank activity and my wife comes out of the bedroom and says, "which shoes look better, the cowboy boots or the black heels?" "which sweater should i wear, the brown one or the white one?" i never know what to say, but i make some sort of decision based on some sort of criteria in my mind. invariably, whichever choice i make verbal will lead to her choosing the opposite. "wear the black ones" is responded to with a "i think i'll wear the boots." "i don't know, the brown one?" gets a "the white one looks better." i can't win. i'm no good at this.

coming up with interesting and relevant things to talk about on this blog: i'm sorry. this whole thing was derived from my father-in-law making fun of my texting. and it has turned into this. i wish i had something interesting to write about, like organic farming, physics, antique furniture restoration, or civil war history. maybe next time.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

football? i guess...

tom brady is done for the season.

shawne merriman is done for the season.

alex smith is probably done for good.

vince young may or may not be done for good (literally).

the niners are terrible. the bengals are terrible (really, really terrible). the chargers looked alright, but the panthers looked better.

what's going on here? if you don't recognize these names, then i guess you don't really care... but guess who does care? that's right, i do. i care about men whom i will never meet. i care about men who are paid millions of dollars to play a game.

i love sports. i spend a considerable amount of time watching, reading about, listening to others talk about (sports talk radio is an obsession that i do not understand. i just love listening to people talk while i drive. i have become my dad), thinking about, talking about, and now, writing about sports.

i'm writing here without a script. without a direction, so forgive me while i search for the next thing to type(did i really just type that? i could just have easily thought to myself, without typing my thoughts as they come to me).

i will be at a wedding on saturday night. this means i will not be watching the buckeyes and trojans do their thing. this is tragic.

watching football on the west coast is way better than the east coast. wake up in the morning, eat some breakfast, and start watching football. it's awesome. watch a couple of games, run outside and play catch for an hour, and then get ready for the night game (which gets over before midnight, a novel concept).

my fantasy football team is terrible. carson palmer? braylon edwards? thanks guys. thanks for showing up last week.

i feel really sorry for alex smith. poor guy was drafted first by the niners, but in any other year he would have lasted until the second round. the niners talked themselves into the guy, and then had to give him a load of cash to try and learn how to play quarterback on the big stage. he didn't really get it. he has thrown 31 interceptions compared to only 19 touchdowns during his four years in the NFL. before breaking his shoulder last week, he had been relegated to the backup of a man named jt o'sullivan. that hurts. and now he's done. all those expectations, all those hopes, placed on a kid from utah... kids from utah are supposed to ride bikes and drink milk... not become superstar quarterbacks (is that prejudiced and a stereotype?)

i don't feel bad for vince young. i suppose i should. he's out of his damn mind. he is being booed by the fans at his home. that's like coming home from a long day at work and having your wife and kids mock your haircut, car, wardrobe and lack of ability to provide for the family. but vince young is a tool. i have never liked him (i guess the performance against USC for the national title has something to do with that).

do you understand what just happened in the last two paragraphs? i stated that i like and feel sorry for one 20-something athletic millionaire while at the same time mocking and holding disdain for another. why do i do this? why do any of us do this? why do i care about sports? why must i always make my opinion known? i respect and like people who share the same opinions and preferences as i, while lacking any regard for those who do not. i don't really understand what it is, and i'm not sure if i like it, but it's what i do, and apparently, i write about the fact that i do it. i feel like there is something that is supposed to be said here... some greater meaning or existential discovery to be made, i just can't quite put my finger on it...

i love football. i'm glad it's back.