Friday, December 26, 2008


i sometimes wonder about stuff. all kinds of stuff really, but mostly mindless minutia, imaginary scenarios, "what ifs" and the like.

as can be deduced from the title of this blog, i'm a big fan of jeopardy. heidi and i watch pretty religiously, and plan our evenings around that glorious half hour between 730 and 800.

sometimes i catch part of wheel of fortune as well.

in a media/culture class i took in college, the professor stated that wheel of fortune gs. the highs and lows.... brilliant!

heidi mused in her last blog about the "everyday" life of someone like vanna white. this is a marvelous point to examine. do the spouses of vanna white and pat sajak watch the show every night? how are pat's kids treated in their school and social settings? does alex watch wheel of fortune? do pat and vanna get together with their respective spouses for all-you-can-eat buffets at the golden coral? does alex get at trouble at home with his wife for always correcting her when she is wrong? (alex: "oh, i'm sorry... we were looking for the ming dynasty. alex's wife in reply: "i hate you. that's why i've been having an affair with chuck woolery for the last 22 years." alex: "right!")

most importantly, the following question must be considered: if alex and pat were to fight, who would win?

obviously, there are many factors to take into consideration here. where does this fight take place? are weapons allowed? what are the rules of conduct? what role does vanna white play?

= physical stature: pat is 62 years old and stands tall at 5'10" while alex hits a mere 5'8" and has 68 years under the belt (actual stats from the internet) advantage: sajak

= physical health: trebek suffered a minor heart attack earlier this year. sajak has a terrible fake tan. advantage: sajak

= mental toughness: trebek is much smarter than sajak. this is indisputable in all possible scenarios. advantage: trebek

= potential for crippling cheap shots that could paralyze the opponent both literally and figuratively: sajak is used to spinning the wheel, and that has to count for something. plus, depending on the rules of conduct, a viscious white on the ropes outside the ring could be a huge advantage if pat needs some help. i first thought that the clue crew would assist trebek greatly, but i'm pretty sure each one of them hates alex and secretly hopes he dies because every one of those smug little bastards thinks he/she can do a better job than alex (they can't). advantage: sajak

= crowd factor: assuming this takes place in madison square garden and there are close to 30k on hand for the event (a fair assumption) there's no chance the crowd roots for sajak. he's an absolute tool. it would be unamerican to root against trebek (wait, he's canadian, right? oh well). advantage: trebek

= craftiness: i'm pretty sure i've heard alex make reference to just about every subject ever conceived in human history, so when it comes to who is more likely to pull a completely surprising, jaw-dropping move that leaves the viewer thinking, "where did that come from? i would have never thought to try that..." advantage: trebek.

it's 3 to 3 heading into the final category...

= the role of cosmic forces (God, karma, murphy's law, buddha and nirvana, etc.,): can we live in a world where a man named pat is a champion in any forum? has pat sajak contributed anything to society as a whole? do you think God cares more about intelligence or spinning wheels? these and many other questions all point to the inevitable: advantage trebek

yeah, i fixed it so trebek would win. yeah, there is many more productive things i could have done with the last hour of my life. and yeah, there is no way that this subject should have been addressed in the first place. add to it that i just realized while doing some late research on the subject of trebek vs. sajak that one of those stupid claymation celebrity wrestling shows did this whole thing... i didn't watch the youtube video to see who won, but as you might guess, i am extremely disheartened that my work here is not original. sorry for wasting your time. happy holidays and all that.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

best/worst... lists!

with christmas and the new year literally just around the corner, the internet and magazines alike are abuzz (is that a word) with "best of/worst of" the year lists. i love these things. i love reading pitchfork's compilations of the best albums of the year and thinking to myself, "i've never heard of that... it must suck."

with the plethora of lists to occupy your time (there really are so many) i figure i should treat you, the reader, to a set of lists that i have made up of the best and worst stuff of '08. keep in mind that i have the worst memory ever. many of these entries have probably happened within the last few months because in all honesty, i can't recall most of the events of my life. so without further procrastination, here it goes (no particular order for any list):

top albums of the year (obligatory):

1. fleet foxes, sun giant - ep / self titled
2. tv on the radio, dear science
3. bon iver, for emma, forever ago
4. sigur ros, med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust
5. girl talk, feed the animals
6. connor oberst, self titled (i know, i was surprised too)

(this list could also be titled "the only albums i bought this year because i have become much more picky when it comes to purchasing albums and i just don't do as much as i used to," or "according to my itunes playlist count, this is the stuff i listened to the most this year")

best trips i took (and a movie reference that relates to each place included in the heading):

1. ernest goes to camp (if ernest were to represent all my jackass friends)
2. home alone (but not so much because i was there with my wife to visit my family and friends just a few weeks ago)
3. leaving las vegas (after spending a weekend there)
4. chicago hope (aka, the fugitive part II)
5. adventures in babysitting in baltimore

best tv shows i watched this year:

1. the wire
2. the office
3. dexter
4. around the horn/pti
5. army wives
6. diners, drive-ins and dives
7. the pick up artist 2 and the real world hollywood (tie)

most annoying sports stories of the year:

1. brett favre

greatest accomplishments of the year:

1. getting a dog in april and said dog still being alive today
2. proving definitively, without a doubt, that i am the master of seinfeld trivia
3. calling the tampa bay rays rise to success before the baseball season began
4. convincing my wife to drink and enjoy red wine and not just white (it makes my life much easier)
5. building a deck with my father-in-law (it won't be finished before the new year, but we've come along way and i love being able to look at something like a huge deck and say to myself, "yeah... i built that (or helped build that, whatever)").
6. i'm still married!
7. writing a blog and having my readership increase from "2" to "7." that's remarkable growth over the period of one year.

some favorite random memories:

1. teak/city view double date with pete and heather. that was a fun night
2. cream cheese salamis part I and II (camping and russ' going away bday party)
3. northside fest and the love fest kevin and i shared on a porch (i refuse to use, and disdain any such terms as "bromance" and the like)
4. wine/beer tasting with heidi at party town (several times)
5. running on the beach of the pacific ocean with my girl
6. playing 1 on 1 on 1 football in the park with kevin and russ
7. listening to mark driscoll's "the peasant princess" series on the way to work with heidi and agreeing that being married to one another is pretty sweet.
8. watching brian "let it ride" in vegas.

worst people of the year:

1. brett favre
2. hillary clinton
3. chris berman (and his crew)
4. the ups commercial guy. i just want to take that dry erase marker and write "moron" across his forehead before shoving it up his left nostril
5. mike and mike (why do i keep watching? what is wrong with me?)
6. did i mention brett favre?
7. miley cyrus (her mere existence bothers me)
8. terrel owens

best people of the year (or the people i spent most time watching/listening to):

1. bill simmons
2. tim keller/matt chandler/mark driscoll
3. ira glass
4. alex trebek
5. brad bigney

favorite repeated activities i participated in throughout the course of the year:

1. playing gin rummy with heidi and my clients
2. racquetball
3. sunday mornings at grace fellowship church
4. hanging out with the old folks at madonna manner
5. nights at one of the following: gypsy hut, norhtside tavern, the comet
6. wednesday night (or any other night) dinner parties at the braggs
7. football games at kevin's spent making fun of commercials and killing bearcats from adriaticos
8. post-dinner walking of the dogs with heidi
9. debates on heather's deck
10. waking up every single day next to a beautiful girl (sappy but true)

that's about all i have in me. i'm sure i have many more that will come to mind and i'm positive that i have left some major things out, but like i said, i don't remember anything so i can't be held responsible for what has been omitted. feel free to add/correct in the comments.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

in this economy...

while in humboldt county this past weekend (that's in california, friends), my buddy nate downey, heidi and i discussed how much fun it is to start every sentence with the phrase, "in this economy..." it's a lot of fun. a few examples:

> in this economy, writing a consistent blog is very difficult.

> in this economy, graham harrell can't buy a ticket to new york to participate in the heisman ceremonies.

> in this economy, soup is my favorite evening meal.

go ahead and incorporate it in everyday conversation. in fact, go overboard - to the point where the people around you become annoyed and disinterested in anything you have to say.

we need to actually write a blog here, so lets get to some random thoughts. in this economy, random thoughts are like chicken soup to soul (the use of + and - is to indicate whether i am in favor or opposed to each entry). (if you needed me to tell you that, then you are an idiot). (i'm fairly confident that some idiots read this blog, but refuse to name names).

- i am on an unbelievable losing streak when it comes to stepping in dog poo. i mean it. every time i take calvin out to relieve himself i find myself looking down in disgust, and then spending the next 11 minutes trying to scrape, rub, hit, lick (not really) that crap off my shoes. i have like 4 pairs of shoes sitting on the doorstep right now because i can't get all the doo-doo off. it's getting to be ridiculous.

+ heidi and i got ipod shuffles from my parents for christmas this year. i ran the past two mornings to the sounds of my favorite songs, and i can tell you that it's made my morning ritual much more enjoyable. thanks mom and dad for hooking me up. it's great! how did i go so long without this accessory? i will never run in silence again... mark my words.

- kentucky/ohio is cold. as i mentioned earlier, we spent some time in northern california last week. it was in the 50s and 60s during the day and it was awesome. i was running around in just a hoodie all weekend - didn't even bring a jacket. fantastic.

+ speaking of travel: i was pretty sick with a massive head cold on my way out there, so i decided to attack it full on with orange juice after orange juice on the plane. i was drinking that stuff down and then, lo and behold, my cold is now gone. good riddance, cold. you're not welcome here anymore. and don't come back.

- he went to jared!

+ i have worked three day weeks each of the last three weeks. i could get used to this (i have gotten used to this... next week is going to blow). i work much better on a limited schedule. 40 hour weeks are for suckers.

- somebody told me that there was an attempted assassination on barack obama today, and that this was the third such attempt. i don't know if this is true, and am too lazy to do any research, but i am opposed to assassination attempts on the mr. president-elect (side note: the person that told me this, in response to my statement that some crazy people don't like the idea of a black president, said "i don't like it either." she assured me that she would not attempt to assassinate the future president and i told her i believed this to be a wise decision).

- + calvin gets his balls cut off tomorrow. (the + is for heidi and i, while the -, obviously, is for calvin). heidi and i have discussed giving the little guy one night with a lady dog before stealing his manhood from him. this doesn't appear to really be a viable option (again, sorry calvin).

+ baseball offseason talk. i don't know what "the hot stove" is, but i love all the talk about free agents and trades. i told kevin the other night that i enjoy the offseason just as much as the actual season. i stand by that statement.

+ in this economy, playing at least 400 hundred games of gin rummy while traveling across the country is a great way to pass the time. i'm fairly confident that i beat her roughly 87% of the time (she will, of course, deny this and probably offer some sort of retort about the erroneous nature of my statistics. fair enough).

- christmas stresses me out. read kevin's thoughts on this subject, which are similar to my own. don't get me wrong, i love christmas. i love to give and receive gifts. i love family. i love tradition. i love jesus. but i just get too stressed out about buying gifts and answering that annual question, "what do you want for christmas this year?" if i had a million dollars, i would buy heidi a state-of-the-art karaoke machine. and a new car. and a bunch of other stuff. i don't have a million dollars, so she will most likely get socks (she actually asked for socks, so i can't go wrong... right?).

+ in this economy, i find myself rambling more and more.

- in this economy, you can't waste time reading random thoughts from some guy sitting on his couch in his sweats while watching espn.