Saturday, July 26, 2008


have you ever watched the lifetime channel? it's not a habit by any means... but here i am on a saturday afternoon watching the second movie with a two-word title that tells you exactly what will happen in the movie. up first was "fatal desire." heidi was with me when we started this one. then she left. for some reason i continued to watch. here's the plot. some lonely housewife and mother of one likes to go on internet chat rooms and meats some pit boss from the jersey shore. they fall in love. she lies and tells him that she is pregnant with his kid and that her husband beats her and convinces this poor schmuck to kill her husband. once he gets wise to all of this, his only option is to kill himself.

couple of "highlights" about this one: 1) dude named his penis "george," because, "he's curious." that's a direct quote from the movie. 2) internet chatrooms. who goes to these? i have never been in an internet chatroom and i can see no circumstance in which i would ever do it. i don't even know where to find chatrooms. apparently though they are the "singles bar of the new millenium." 3) extramarrital affairs are never a good idea (i'm going to regrain from a long dirge about this one. just know that this is pretty simple and pretty obvious as far as i can see). 4) ann heche is a strange lady. i think she's confused about a lot of things, like why she ever agreed to do this movie.

up next on this double header is another winner - "ultimate deception" (what is it with these two-word titles that are so blatantly contrived? are people flipping through the tv guide and thinking to themselves, "illustrius contempt... that sounds good." who's watching this stuff... oh yeah, women).

i can't go through with this one. i contemplated a running diary. but i don't have the energy. yasmine bleeth... welcome back to the limelight. we missed you. so far this couple is trying to have a kid but they can't so they are talking about adoption. boring. where's the "ultimate?" where's the "deception?" i don't have the patience of the strength to go through with this.

i don't understand women at all. across this country there are thousands of women who watch this garbage all of the time. it's afterschool specials for the unhappy, middle age, soccer mom. the writers, producers and directors are getting together around big round tables and saying, "let's make this movie that will drive the bored and discontent women with too much time on their hands crazy. but let's make it moral and worthwhile." it's almost like, "you think your life is bad... don't try such and such a scenario to make it better." sure, things look good for awhile. but the dude is always some sleaze. the shit always hits the proverbial fan. someone ends up dead, and it all could have been avoided if the heroine just didn't get so carried away in her quest for a little extra excitement in her otherwise mundane life. and while you're at it ladies, make sure you eat some food. eating disorders are never as fun as they sound.

this just in. our little movie "ultimate deception" is about to get interesting. pretty sure the dude is about to steal a baby from some unsuspecting woman in a parking garage. he's not the perfect man that he was originally portrayed to be. i'm shocked. and why is he going to make this poor decision? what drives a man to kill the husband of some chick he met online? what makes a clean-cut coast guard steal another woman''s baby? women (heidi excluded, of course). they're trouble, man. find a good one and treat her really well. don't be a fool.

the pattern i am starting to notice here is that people get all caught up in something (usually a terrible romance. complete with soft light love scenes that show tussled hair and strange massaging of the back all to a synthesizer sound track that was recorded by a freshman music major at some middle of the road conservative college in omaha, nebraska). then someone gets desperate, jealous, possessive, angry, deceptive, compulsive, paranoid, etc. and everything falls apart. who are we supposed to feel sorry for in these stories. everyone is an idiot. i got no one to root for. earlier in the day i was watching rio bravo with john wayne, dean martin and ricky nelson. now here's a movie i can get behind. not one, but three people that i can pull for. it's brilliant (perhaps a "greatest westerns of all time" post is in order).

are we done here? that's enough already.

Friday, July 18, 2008

obligatory brett favre reaction blog

brett favre thinks he deserves something. i guess we all do.

i don't know about this. i have all sorts of anger toward brett favre. i'm not too sure why, but i loathe him (although perhaps not as much as my friend kevin - read his blog for a passionate brett favre treatment). if you care about sports and this whole story, then you have heard it all, and you have your opinion. if you don't follow sports (i probably don't know or like you... unless you are my wife, in which case cooking and singing christmas carol karaoke more than make up for it. [on a side note (within my side note) girls who get way into sports... i don't know man, it just seems weird to me. if heidi got as charged up about sports as i do - it would just be to weird]), then you don't care.

here's my quick take on the situation: whenever somebody thinks that they "deserve" something, or even have "earned" something, then you begin to tread upon dangerous waters. this notion that we deserve anything is completely fantasy. just because you pay your taxes, eat pretty healthy and don't cheat on your wife, you start to think that everything in life should go your way. really? when has this ever happened? if you read the Bible (and i suggest you do, it's worth a look) you will soon find a disturbing pattern: rain falls on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. in fact, it usually seems like the "good" guys are getting wetter than the "bad" guys. everybody always talks about how brett favre is a "good" guy. why is this? because he wears wranglers and doesn't shave everyday? because he shows up to work and does his best everyday? somehow, through all of this he has "earned" the right to go back on his word, demand that entire organizations cater to his every whimsical desire, no matter how many times it may change?

this notion of earning/deserving anything just pisses me off. in your life time, you or someone you love will get cancer. you're going to lose your job. you're going to get in a car accident. dog's going to die. mom and dad too. entire countries will be decimated by earthquakes, tornados and hurricanes. evil dictators will kill innocent children. you will stub your toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. what is it that we think we deserve? health, wealth and happiness. anytime any of these things are taken from us, or are failed to deliver on our terms, the tendency is to grumble and complain. "i don't deserve this." "what did i do to deserve this?" etc.

couple points:

1) we live in a bad place. we are bad people. sure, some of us act better than others, but when it comes down to it, we all do terrible things because we all were born with a self-centered bent that makes us do bad things. it's who we are. it's your identity. deal with it.

2) not all bad things are really bad things. or if they are bad things, they can be redeemed and actually become good things. you know this is true if you have experienced it.

3) it's not all hopeless. it really isn't. that's not my intention in all of this. remember, i started simply by stating that i can't stand the arrogance of people who throw tantrums because they aren't given what they think they deserve on a silver platter (the tirades and rabbit trails come free of charge). there is true beauty in this world. there is genuine love and conern for one another. there are moments of unexpected generosity and selflessness. these moments should be savored. strived for.

4) Jesus Christ is the answer. what is the question you ask? the difference between good and bad. the very definition of good and bad. it's found in Jesus. you don't deserve anything. in fact, if you believe in karma or something like that, when you really start counting up the stuff you do and the motivations behind it, you start to see that you shouldn't be expecting too much good to be coming 'round the corner. it's not like that with jesus. i'm not going to get too "preachy" here (too late?) but i guess it's enough to say that continually i am impressed and transformed by the person and work of Jesus Christ and the way in which all of life finds its meaning in Him alone.

stay retired brett favre. leave the world alone.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

independence and stuff.

for years now, i have maintained that christmas and thanksgiving were the only holidays worth getting excited about. every other holiday had abandoned me. built up in hype, leaving me disappointed and let down. new years eve, valentines day, halloween, and until the last two years, the fourth of july.

it wasn't always this way. growing up, in the rural town of carlotta (population 345), the fourth of july was an extraordinary event. shirley johnson, owner of martin and shirley's market (the only market in town) would host a fourth of july extravaganza. big potluck. lots of people, volleyball, horseshoes, great illegal fireworks, and the entire community coming together to enjoy a celebration of epic proportions. the entire thing was put together by the volunteer fire department - a group of "good ol' boys" that loved to drink some beer and light some fireworks. (an observation about growing up: phase one - adults are drinking beer and getting drunk, but you are completely oblivious because playing guns in the street is the only thing that matters. phase two - an awareness that the adults are acting different. the same men walk around with a budweiser in a cousy and become more beligerent and rambunctious throught the evening. in this phase, it seems strange. it seems wrong. DARE told me about this, and i should stay away. phase three: you and your friends are sneaking beers from the cooler and drinking them in the woods where no adults can see you. this is rather easy since the adults are drunk themselves, and don't really notice too much going on. phase four - i'm the adult now. i've got the beer in my hand. i'm getting a little more talkative and loud throughout the course of the evening.)

the celebration of my youth eventually ceased. and for approximately 10 years the fourth of july was no good. everybody would get all excited, but nothing would ever happen worth mentioning. so i cast if off. "you're dead to me fourth of july. i thank you for the three day weekend, but you let me down."

last year was my first fourth of july in kentucky. the foruth of july is taken pretty serious here in florence, kentucky. a quick drive across state lines in indiana offers one the opportunity to buy a plethora of booming and noisy explosives. standing in my driveway the last two years, i am in awe of the 360 degree spectacle of explosions in the sky that lasts for hours. everybody puts on a display. and it's great.

so in honor of the year of this great country's freedom from the tyranny of brittain, i offer 1776 reasons why the fourth of july is a great holidy:

1. it's the ultimate celebration of summer. summer is the best season (you're right kevin). right in the middle of summer we have a reason to get together with family and friends, and enjoy the greatness of the season.

2. fireworks are great. i love ligthing off bottlerockets. i love crooking my neck toward the sky and observing bright lights and thunderous booms. i love the fact that the universal response to fireworks is "ooh" and "aah." what else provokes this response?

3. cook outs. i love to grill. if i could grill every meal of every day for the rest of my life, you would not here any complaint. last night i did up some shrimp, chicken, beef sausages, and corn on the cob. my grandfather was a master griller. my father is a man of great talent (he only uses charcoal. refuses to switch over to gas. i love this.) get me in front of a grill. tongs in one hand and a cold oat soda in the other. that's where i belong.

4. northside fest. this only applies to cincinnati residents. but attending this festival the past two years has been a true delight. it's a tailgate party of boisterous proportions (without the tailgates). good friends all gathering together and talking about stuff. you can't beat that.

5. the fourth of july, since it falls three days before my anniversay, will always bring to mind the fond memories of last year. a time when all my friends and family were in town, preparing for what is widely considered the greatest wedding ever. i am going to celebrate the fourth of july to my anniversary in a hannukah-type celebration from here on out. i will call it: fourth-a-versary.

6. watching heidi light off fireworks. i was scared to death, since last year she somehow almost blew her hand off with a firecracker, but watching her take the lighter and set flame to that little wick is just a nice simple delight. she looked good doing it (she always looks good).

7. patriotism. i generally am annoyed at blatant xenophobia, propoganda and flag-waving. but on this one day, i make an exception. cue up the star spangled banner. drape a flag over your shoulders like a heavy weight boxer. order freedom fries with your burger. say things like "that's what makes this country great" in reference to things like sales on natural ice and ground beef. wear the attitude of "don't mess with 'merica" - you've earned it.

that's all i got. perhaps 1776 reasons was a bit too ambitious. feel free to add to the list in a comment.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

shot at love.

tuesday night ended up with my lady and me sitting on the couch, watching the season finale of "a shot at love with tila tequila II" on mtv.

i guess nothing more needs to be said.

but i'm bored and it was all too good to just let go without some passing, and of course, scathing comments about the little lady...

like i said, it's the season finale. picture this little asian girl with terrible tattoos, standing on some elaborate blue and pink stage with massive phallic stuctures surrounding her, as two people, one man and one woman, come to her, one at a time, in order to find out if they get a plastic key, and if they get to hear those magical words that every kid grows up longing to hear: "your still have a shot at love... are you interested?" (i guess they have to allude to her last name of "tequila" by making her use the "shot at love" line each week. something tells me her real name isn't tequila. but i could be wrong. perhaps there is a wonderful tequila family out there. living in des moines, iowa. her dad's a mechanic and he own's his own part store, called "jose's shot shop" (his first name has to be jose (middle name cuervo) and he has to include a reference to alcohol in his business name... it's just the way it has to be.) and her mom's a homemaker, taking care of the 14 other tequila kids, who are less famous than their popstar sister, but nobody knows why (seriously, who is this girl, why is she famous, and why did i watch her stupid show?)).

so we have this guy and this girl who have competed for tila's love by performing weekly ridiculous and degrading sexual innuendo-laden trashy feats to earn favor with this little dwarf of a girl. and the two are really in love with tila. you can tell in the way they say "i love her, i have never loved anybody like this, i will make her happy forever," etc.

first up is the guy. some football coach from ohio, (who earlier in the season had his jaw broken by another dude in what is seriously the best punch i have ever seen landed in my entire life). guy gets shot down by tila. he's heartbroken. he's almost in tears. he doesn't understand. and he drops his head in shame and exits.

next up is the bisexual girl, who admits in the limo ride to this meeting that she is confused and questioning her sexuality (isn't that just the definition of a bisexual? is this really surprising?) tila offers her the key, and the girl stands there and says "nope." tila gets pissed and loses it. accusing this girl of leading her on and bringing her great shame, which is most likely true.

the aftermath is this: tila sobbing in her female-variated austin powers room, crying, "why did this happen again. what am i doing wrong? i just don't know what else i can do."

seriously? "what am i doing wrong?" is this the real question this girl is asking? not only has every reality love competition romance gone up in flames, but you have the unique advantage (?) of having gone through this before. you honestly don't know why this keeps happening to you? maybe because you get two dozen horny people together, get them drunk and judge them based on their swimwear presentation and the nice things they say to you in 20-minute dates. you expect true love from this? i'm torn between feeling truly sorry for this girl, who has spent her life performing and being abused by mtv, thinking that she can somehow "fame" her way to happiness, and being completely pissed-angry and ready to ridicule her for being a tyrannical tramp. i'm leaning toward the latter, but then i realize that there are people in this world who don't know the first thing about love because they don't know the first thing about themselves. it's tragic really. a world full of people who think they are good. that they deserve something. that they are owed all good things because they are "good" people. nobody is good. you don't deserve a thing. you and i are depraved people who, if we got what we deserved in this life, would never smile again.

tila tequila is a sad little girl. and i feel sorry for her. maybe someday she will find a good christian man who will love, cherish, honor and respect her. and she will live happily ever after... i wonder if she would change her name?