Saturday, October 3, 2009

stuff other people like that i don't

*** note to reader: my internet pooped out as i went to publish this and i lost at least half of what was written. i'm not saying that you're missing much, but know that there was more, and i was too pissed to re-think and type it out again. i was also too lazy to edit for mistakes, so you're going to have to put up with that as well. enjoy.

had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.

i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.


don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.


i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.


somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.


i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).


i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.


forget it. let's just move on.


cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.


i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.

the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.