AP - January 14, 2009
a debate has been raging across the country forcing men and women to come to terms with their most haunting fears and to choose a side in a fierce battle that has left a wake of strained friendships and shattered hearts. experts warn that if you're not careful, you may find yourself at the heart of this great war. if a giant wall could separate east and west germany for decades, there's no telling what a candy bar could do...
that's right, a candy bar. at the sweet center of this flamboyant feud stands the age-old debate concerning how one defines a candy bar. wikipedia defines a candy bar as: "A chocolate bar is a confection in bar form comprising some or all of the following components: cocoa solids, cocoa butter, sugar, milk. The relative presence or absence of these components form the subclasses of dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. In addition to these main ingredients, it may contain emulsifiers such as soy lecithin and flavors such as vanilla. There are many varieties of chocolate; milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, peanut butter chocolate, and many more. A candy bar (called a chocolate bar in British English, Australian English and Canadian English, where the word candy refers specifically to sugar candy) is a form of confectionery usually packaged in a bar or log form, often coated with chocolate, and sized as a snack for one person. But within that term, a wide variety of products exist, ranging from solid chocolate bars to multiple layerings or mixtures of ingredients such as nuts, fruit, caramel or fondant."
most important to note in the above definition is the word "usually" that an informed and educated reader will clearly understand to mean that while the candy bar has it's root in the bar form, that elapsed time has allowed for a more tolerant definition of candy bar.
in a recent survey, 3 out of 4 americans agreed that twix is indeed a candy bar. what does a statistic like this prove? overwhelmingly apparent is the willingness of good, hard-working, rational-thinking, red-blooded americans to embrace a fair, balanced, and legitimate definition of the candy bar. also apparent in this scientific study's findings is the surprising portion (25%) of population that remains oblivious, short-sighted and ignorant of embracing a progressive and inclusive definition of candy bars in all shapes and sizes.
overheard at a local sporting event in cincinnati, OH, a collaboration of seemingly successful and well-spoken young men feverishly exchanged jabs and quips concerning what defines the oh-so-succulent candy bar. one member of the handsome group, kevin warwick, a copy editor who insisted this reporter mention that he lives in chicago, IL, not cincinnati, OH, was quoted as saying, "twix is not a candy bar because there are two of them in the package." this same man, who appeared to be a little frazzled, is on record for rejecting the inclusion of kit kat, almond joy/mounds, and resee's peanut butter cups into the canon of candy bar-dom. other members of the group asserted that m&m's have no place in the realm of candy bars, because if accepted, the door would be open too wide for other "candies" to be defined as a candy bar (skittles, runts, nerds, etc.).
michael "shorty" short, a local postman and pizza delivery driver, told local reporters, "that's just ridiculous. skittles are not a candy bar."
kenny roa, a male nurse who is on record for supporting a wider candy bar definition but rejects including raisinettes in the candy bar classification, pontificated, "what if raisenettes came in a bar form? would they be a candy bar then? raisins aren't candy!"
so what is one to do with all of this information? can a solution be found? one might hope to find a middle-ground upon which all candy-lovers can stand, but it seems unlikely and nearly impossible. a debate of this magnitude, with these implications is unlikely to find resolution in this lifetime.
justin bragg, a social worker, said confidently, "in this economy, people are desperate to find a piece of peace and comfort in a long overdue definition of candy bars that can be embraced by all people - young and old, man and woman, american and... foreigner. this indiscretion - the rift that divides sons and fathers, and daughters and mothers, has gone on far too long. how can a society function with such an egregious and divisive chasm between it's members? sooner or later, the crack in the facade will lead to an irreversible collapse of human civilization as we know it. and i, for one, can't stand to to see that happen."
mr. bragg is in favor of an expanded and inclusive definition of a candy bar. one only has to walk into a local convenient store to observe the placement of candy bars on the shelf. "when i want to grab a candy bar to munch on after filling up the gas tank," bragg states, "i go to one shelf and pick from any number of packaged sweet delights. i can grab a snickers, junior mints, 3 musketeers or peanut m&ms and be sure that i am in fact grabbing a candy bar. if we are going to segregate candy based on insignificant and inconsistent differences, then we have a large problem on our hands - a lack of unity and cohesion."
if one were interested, wikipedia has posted a fair list of candy bars. feel free to peruse the list and take note of the wide variety and freedom given to classify a given sweet as a "candy bar." one also may participate in this quiz, which is part of the "Science Museum of Minnesota's Thinking Fountain." that's just science, folks, and you can't argue with that. if you would like to purchase a candy bar, feel free to order from this site (note the wide variety of inclusion).
in conclusion, if the reader has learned anything from this article, may it be simply that candy bars were meant to be enjoyed - plain and simple. don't let the joy-robbing candy bar barons come and destroy your fun and delight. feel free to grab that candy bar, open the package, and bite into the glorious collaboration of high fructose corn syrup, corn starch, processed sugars and food dye... enjoy.
* dan rather contributed to this report.
** ed werder attempted to contribute to this report, but had nothing to offer since the dallas cowboys were not involved.
*** chris mortensen reported this report after somebody else broke the story.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
resolutions
it's a new year. i'm making resolutions:
1) eat more beef. i read a statistic that the average american eats 64 lbs of beef a year. this number is reduced from 87 lbs per year just a couple decades ago. i find this tragic. i admit that i eat far less beef that i used to, but for some reason i feel it my duty to fulfill my responsibility to God and country to eat my fill of dead cow. i have a couple of vegetarian friends, so it would seem that i'm going to have to step it up even more to make up for their failures. beef... it's what for dinner... and lunch... and breakfast...
2) read more. and i'm talking books here. i spend too much time on the internet. i need to close the computer, turn off the tv and crack open a book. i read. i read more than most, but i don't read as much as i used to and i can feel myself getting dumber and dumber by the day. i'm going to tackle a big, old book this year. something like gulliver's travels or some crap like that.
3) take more pictures. kevin's last blog post made me consider the fact that i don't have nearly enough photos of the events of my life. if you know me at all, you know that i have absolutely no memory. you'd think that someone in my predicament would take a lot of pictures to capture and retain the moments that will fade into oblivion. but i don't. so this year i'm taking loads of pics - kind of like "memento" with pictures instead of tattoos.
4) eat a subway $5 foot long. the commercial jingle gets stuck in my head at least twice a week, and when you think about it, 5 bucks for a foot of food is a good deal. subway's pretty good. i like the control of pointing and telling the sandwich artist what to include and exclude from my creation. i like the act of combining my artistic side with my eat-lots-of-food side.
5) be more generous. this one is serious. i used to be much more generous with my time and money. i've been talking with heidi about how we can be more responsible with our money with an aim toward giving away more of what we have. i lament over what i perceive to be an attitude of selfishness that has increased in my life. i get stressed about money. in this economy it's hard to pay the bills and have a good time. i'm hesitant to put myself out here like this (readers who encounter me on a regular basis can call me out if i'm doing this or not), but oh well. money isn't a good idol. it's not a good thing to get wrapped up in. i have no use for keeping my money to myself and not dispensing it freely.
what does generosity look like? it could be anything, really. maybe it's buying a beer for a friend and not expecting one to be bought for me in return. i know for a fact it includes giving more and regularly to my church because i believe in what is going on there and i trust that God has given me cash to use for good in this world. generosity includes giving the buck in my pocket and the change in my car to anyone who asks. it also means helping someone move on a weekend, or offering to help my neighbor bring her groceries into the house.
6) start a facebook. i'm not sure about this one. i think i mentioned in a previous post that i'm not on myspace much anymore. heidi has a facebook. heidi's mom has a facebook. my sister is on there, and so is bill simmons and jack-o. why have i stayed away? i have no idea what facebook is like. it frightens me but i am considering taking the plunge.
7) drive across the country. this one only counts if heidi and i actually move to california as we have discussed. if this does in fact take place, then i will be happy to report that 2009 was the year that i drove across the country (minus a couple of states to the east of me).
8) forgive brett favre. if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be.
1) eat more beef. i read a statistic that the average american eats 64 lbs of beef a year. this number is reduced from 87 lbs per year just a couple decades ago. i find this tragic. i admit that i eat far less beef that i used to, but for some reason i feel it my duty to fulfill my responsibility to God and country to eat my fill of dead cow. i have a couple of vegetarian friends, so it would seem that i'm going to have to step it up even more to make up for their failures. beef... it's what for dinner... and lunch... and breakfast...
2) read more. and i'm talking books here. i spend too much time on the internet. i need to close the computer, turn off the tv and crack open a book. i read. i read more than most, but i don't read as much as i used to and i can feel myself getting dumber and dumber by the day. i'm going to tackle a big, old book this year. something like gulliver's travels or some crap like that.
3) take more pictures. kevin's last blog post made me consider the fact that i don't have nearly enough photos of the events of my life. if you know me at all, you know that i have absolutely no memory. you'd think that someone in my predicament would take a lot of pictures to capture and retain the moments that will fade into oblivion. but i don't. so this year i'm taking loads of pics - kind of like "memento" with pictures instead of tattoos.
4) eat a subway $5 foot long. the commercial jingle gets stuck in my head at least twice a week, and when you think about it, 5 bucks for a foot of food is a good deal. subway's pretty good. i like the control of pointing and telling the sandwich artist what to include and exclude from my creation. i like the act of combining my artistic side with my eat-lots-of-food side.
5) be more generous. this one is serious. i used to be much more generous with my time and money. i've been talking with heidi about how we can be more responsible with our money with an aim toward giving away more of what we have. i lament over what i perceive to be an attitude of selfishness that has increased in my life. i get stressed about money. in this economy it's hard to pay the bills and have a good time. i'm hesitant to put myself out here like this (readers who encounter me on a regular basis can call me out if i'm doing this or not), but oh well. money isn't a good idol. it's not a good thing to get wrapped up in. i have no use for keeping my money to myself and not dispensing it freely.
what does generosity look like? it could be anything, really. maybe it's buying a beer for a friend and not expecting one to be bought for me in return. i know for a fact it includes giving more and regularly to my church because i believe in what is going on there and i trust that God has given me cash to use for good in this world. generosity includes giving the buck in my pocket and the change in my car to anyone who asks. it also means helping someone move on a weekend, or offering to help my neighbor bring her groceries into the house.
6) start a facebook. i'm not sure about this one. i think i mentioned in a previous post that i'm not on myspace much anymore. heidi has a facebook. heidi's mom has a facebook. my sister is on there, and so is bill simmons and jack-o. why have i stayed away? i have no idea what facebook is like. it frightens me but i am considering taking the plunge.
7) drive across the country. this one only counts if heidi and i actually move to california as we have discussed. if this does in fact take place, then i will be happy to report that 2009 was the year that i drove across the country (minus a couple of states to the east of me).
8) forgive brett favre. if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be.
Friday, December 26, 2008
duel.
i sometimes wonder about stuff. all kinds of stuff really, but mostly mindless minutia, imaginary scenarios, "what ifs" and the like.
as can be deduced from the title of this blog, i'm a big fan of jeopardy. heidi and i watch pretty religiously, and plan our evenings around that glorious half hour between 730 and 800.
sometimes i catch part of wheel of fortune as well.
in a media/culture class i took in college, the professor stated that wheel of fortune gs. the highs and lows.... brilliant!
heidi mused in her last blog about the "everyday" life of someone like vanna white. this is a marvelous point to examine. do the spouses of vanna white and pat sajak watch the show every night? how are pat's kids treated in their school and social settings? does alex watch wheel of fortune? do pat and vanna get together with their respective spouses for all-you-can-eat buffets at the golden coral? does alex get at trouble at home with his wife for always correcting her when she is wrong? (alex: "oh, i'm sorry... we were looking for the ming dynasty. alex's wife in reply: "i hate you. that's why i've been having an affair with chuck woolery for the last 22 years." alex: "right!")
most importantly, the following question must be considered: if alex and pat were to fight, who would win?
obviously, there are many factors to take into consideration here. where does this fight take place? are weapons allowed? what are the rules of conduct? what role does vanna white play?
= physical stature: pat is 62 years old and stands tall at 5'10" while alex hits a mere 5'8" and has 68 years under the belt (actual stats from the internet) advantage: sajak
= physical health: trebek suffered a minor heart attack earlier this year. sajak has a terrible fake tan. advantage: sajak
= mental toughness: trebek is much smarter than sajak. this is indisputable in all possible scenarios. advantage: trebek
= potential for crippling cheap shots that could paralyze the opponent both literally and figuratively: sajak is used to spinning the wheel, and that has to count for something. plus, depending on the rules of conduct, a viscious white on the ropes outside the ring could be a huge advantage if pat needs some help. i first thought that the clue crew would assist trebek greatly, but i'm pretty sure each one of them hates alex and secretly hopes he dies because every one of those smug little bastards thinks he/she can do a better job than alex (they can't). advantage: sajak
= crowd factor: assuming this takes place in madison square garden and there are close to 30k on hand for the event (a fair assumption) there's no chance the crowd roots for sajak. he's an absolute tool. it would be unamerican to root against trebek (wait, he's canadian, right? oh well). advantage: trebek
= craftiness: i'm pretty sure i've heard alex make reference to just about every subject ever conceived in human history, so when it comes to who is more likely to pull a completely surprising, jaw-dropping move that leaves the viewer thinking, "where did that come from? i would have never thought to try that..." advantage: trebek.
it's 3 to 3 heading into the final category...
= the role of cosmic forces (God, karma, murphy's law, buddha and nirvana, etc.,): can we live in a world where a man named pat is a champion in any forum? has pat sajak contributed anything to society as a whole? do you think God cares more about intelligence or spinning wheels? these and many other questions all point to the inevitable: advantage trebek
yeah, i fixed it so trebek would win. yeah, there is many more productive things i could have done with the last hour of my life. and yeah, there is no way that this subject should have been addressed in the first place. add to it that i just realized while doing some late research on the subject of trebek vs. sajak that one of those stupid claymation celebrity wrestling shows did this whole thing... i didn't watch the youtube video to see who won, but as you might guess, i am extremely disheartened that my work here is not original. sorry for wasting your time. happy holidays and all that.
as can be deduced from the title of this blog, i'm a big fan of jeopardy. heidi and i watch pretty religiously, and plan our evenings around that glorious half hour between 730 and 800.
sometimes i catch part of wheel of fortune as well.
in a media/culture class i took in college, the professor stated that wheel of fortune gs. the highs and lows.... brilliant!
heidi mused in her last blog about the "everyday" life of someone like vanna white. this is a marvelous point to examine. do the spouses of vanna white and pat sajak watch the show every night? how are pat's kids treated in their school and social settings? does alex watch wheel of fortune? do pat and vanna get together with their respective spouses for all-you-can-eat buffets at the golden coral? does alex get at trouble at home with his wife for always correcting her when she is wrong? (alex: "oh, i'm sorry... we were looking for the ming dynasty. alex's wife in reply: "i hate you. that's why i've been having an affair with chuck woolery for the last 22 years." alex: "right!")
most importantly, the following question must be considered: if alex and pat were to fight, who would win?obviously, there are many factors to take into consideration here. where does this fight take place? are weapons allowed? what are the rules of conduct? what role does vanna white play?
= physical stature: pat is 62 years old and stands tall at 5'10" while alex hits a mere 5'8" and has 68 years under the belt (actual stats from the internet) advantage: sajak
= physical health: trebek suffered a minor heart attack earlier this year. sajak has a terrible fake tan. advantage: sajak
= mental toughness: trebek is much smarter than sajak. this is indisputable in all possible scenarios. advantage: trebek
= potential for crippling cheap shots that could paralyze the opponent both literally and figuratively: sajak is used to spinning the wheel, and that has to count for something. plus, depending on the rules of conduct, a viscious white on the ropes outside the ring could be a huge advantage if pat needs some help. i first thought that the clue crew would assist trebek greatly, but i'm pretty sure each one of them hates alex and secretly hopes he dies because every one of those smug little bastards thinks he/she can do a better job than alex (they can't). advantage: sajak
= crowd factor: assuming this takes place in madison square garden and there are close to 30k on hand for the event (a fair assumption) there's no chance the crowd roots for sajak. he's an absolute tool. it would be unamerican to root against trebek (wait, he's canadian, right? oh well). advantage: trebek
= craftiness: i'm pretty sure i've heard alex make reference to just about every subject ever conceived in human history, so when it comes to who is more likely to pull a completely surprising, jaw-dropping move that leaves the viewer thinking, "where did that come from? i would have never thought to try that..." advantage: trebek.
it's 3 to 3 heading into the final category...
= the role of cosmic forces (God, karma, murphy's law, buddha and nirvana, etc.,): can we live in a world where a man named pat is a champion in any forum? has pat sajak contributed anything to society as a whole? do you think God cares more about intelligence or spinning wheels? these and many other questions all point to the inevitable: advantage trebek
yeah, i fixed it so trebek would win. yeah, there is many more productive things i could have done with the last hour of my life. and yeah, there is no way that this subject should have been addressed in the first place. add to it that i just realized while doing some late research on the subject of trebek vs. sajak that one of those stupid claymation celebrity wrestling shows did this whole thing... i didn't watch the youtube video to see who won, but as you might guess, i am extremely disheartened that my work here is not original. sorry for wasting your time. happy holidays and all that.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
best/worst... lists!
with christmas and the new year literally just around the corner, the internet and magazines alike are abuzz (is that a word) with "best of/worst of" the year lists. i love these things. i love reading pitchfork's compilations of the best albums of the year and thinking to myself, "i've never heard of that... it must suck."
with the plethora of lists to occupy your time (there really are so many) i figure i should treat you, the reader, to a set of lists that i have made up of the best and worst stuff of '08. keep in mind that i have the worst memory ever. many of these entries have probably happened within the last few months because in all honesty, i can't recall most of the events of my life. so without further procrastination, here it goes (no particular order for any list):
top albums of the year (obligatory):
1. fleet foxes, sun giant - ep / self titled
2. tv on the radio, dear science
3. bon iver, for emma, forever ago
4. sigur ros, med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust
5. girl talk, feed the animals
6. connor oberst, self titled (i know, i was surprised too)
(this list could also be titled "the only albums i bought this year because i have become much more picky when it comes to purchasing albums and i just don't do as much as i used to," or "according to my itunes playlist count, this is the stuff i listened to the most this year")
best trips i took (and a movie reference that relates to each place included in the heading):
1. ernest goes to camp (if ernest were to represent all my jackass friends)
2. home alone (but not so much because i was there with my wife to visit my family and friends just a few weeks ago)
3. leaving las vegas (after spending a weekend there)
4. chicago hope (aka, the fugitive part II)
5. adventures in babysitting in baltimore
best tv shows i watched this year:
1. the wire
2. the office
3. dexter
4. around the horn/pti
5. army wives
6. diners, drive-ins and dives
7. the pick up artist 2 and the real world hollywood (tie)
most annoying sports stories of the year:
1. brett favre
greatest accomplishments of the year:
1. getting a dog in april and said dog still being alive today
2. proving definitively, without a doubt, that i am the master of seinfeld trivia
3. calling the tampa bay rays rise to success before the baseball season began
4. convincing my wife to drink and enjoy red wine and not just white (it makes my life much easier)
5. building a deck with my father-in-law (it won't be finished before the new year, but we've come along way and i love being able to look at something like a huge deck and say to myself, "yeah... i built that (or helped build that, whatever)").
6. i'm still married!
7. writing a blog and having my readership increase from "2" to "7." that's remarkable growth over the period of one year.
some favorite random memories:
1. teak/city view double date with pete and heather. that was a fun night
2. cream cheese salamis part I and II (camping and russ' going away bday party)
3. northside fest and the love fest kevin and i shared on a porch (i refuse to use, and disdain any such terms as "bromance" and the like)
4. wine/beer tasting with heidi at party town (several times)
5. running on the beach of the pacific ocean with my girl
6. playing 1 on 1 on 1 football in the park with kevin and russ
7. listening to mark driscoll's "the peasant princess" series on the way to work with heidi and agreeing that being married to one another is pretty sweet.
8. watching brian "let it ride" in vegas.
worst people of the year:
1. brett favre
2. hillary clinton
3. chris berman (and his crew)
4. the ups commercial guy. i just want to take that dry erase marker and write "moron" across his forehead before shoving it up his left nostril
5. mike and mike (why do i keep watching? what is wrong with me?)
6. did i mention brett favre?
7. miley cyrus (her mere existence bothers me)
8. terrel owens
best people of the year (or the people i spent most time watching/listening to):
1. bill simmons
2. tim keller/matt chandler/mark driscoll
3. ira glass
4. alex trebek
5. brad bigney
favorite repeated activities i participated in throughout the course of the year:
1. playing gin rummy with heidi and my clients
2. racquetball
3. sunday mornings at grace fellowship church
4. hanging out with the old folks at madonna manner
5. nights at one of the following: gypsy hut, norhtside tavern, the comet
6. wednesday night (or any other night) dinner parties at the braggs
7. football games at kevin's spent making fun of commercials and killing bearcats from adriaticos
8. post-dinner walking of the dogs with heidi
9. debates on heather's deck
10. waking up every single day next to a beautiful girl (sappy but true)
that's about all i have in me. i'm sure i have many more that will come to mind and i'm positive that i have left some major things out, but like i said, i don't remember anything so i can't be held responsible for what has been omitted. feel free to add/correct in the comments.
with the plethora of lists to occupy your time (there really are so many) i figure i should treat you, the reader, to a set of lists that i have made up of the best and worst stuff of '08. keep in mind that i have the worst memory ever. many of these entries have probably happened within the last few months because in all honesty, i can't recall most of the events of my life. so without further procrastination, here it goes (no particular order for any list):
top albums of the year (obligatory):
1. fleet foxes, sun giant - ep / self titled
2. tv on the radio, dear science
3. bon iver, for emma, forever ago
4. sigur ros, med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust
5. girl talk, feed the animals
6. connor oberst, self titled (i know, i was surprised too)
(this list could also be titled "the only albums i bought this year because i have become much more picky when it comes to purchasing albums and i just don't do as much as i used to," or "according to my itunes playlist count, this is the stuff i listened to the most this year")
best trips i took (and a movie reference that relates to each place included in the heading):
1. ernest goes to camp (if ernest were to represent all my jackass friends)
2. home alone (but not so much because i was there with my wife to visit my family and friends just a few weeks ago)
3. leaving las vegas (after spending a weekend there)
4. chicago hope (aka, the fugitive part II)
5. adventures in babysitting in baltimore
best tv shows i watched this year:
1. the wire
2. the office
3. dexter
4. around the horn/pti
5. army wives
6. diners, drive-ins and dives
7. the pick up artist 2 and the real world hollywood (tie)
most annoying sports stories of the year:
1. brett favre
greatest accomplishments of the year:
1. getting a dog in april and said dog still being alive today
2. proving definitively, without a doubt, that i am the master of seinfeld trivia
3. calling the tampa bay rays rise to success before the baseball season began
4. convincing my wife to drink and enjoy red wine and not just white (it makes my life much easier)
5. building a deck with my father-in-law (it won't be finished before the new year, but we've come along way and i love being able to look at something like a huge deck and say to myself, "yeah... i built that (or helped build that, whatever)").
6. i'm still married!
7. writing a blog and having my readership increase from "2" to "7." that's remarkable growth over the period of one year.
some favorite random memories:
1. teak/city view double date with pete and heather. that was a fun night
2. cream cheese salamis part I and II (camping and russ' going away bday party)
3. northside fest and the love fest kevin and i shared on a porch (i refuse to use, and disdain any such terms as "bromance" and the like)
4. wine/beer tasting with heidi at party town (several times)
5. running on the beach of the pacific ocean with my girl
6. playing 1 on 1 on 1 football in the park with kevin and russ
7. listening to mark driscoll's "the peasant princess" series on the way to work with heidi and agreeing that being married to one another is pretty sweet.
8. watching brian "let it ride" in vegas.
worst people of the year:
1. brett favre
2. hillary clinton
3. chris berman (and his crew)
4. the ups commercial guy. i just want to take that dry erase marker and write "moron" across his forehead before shoving it up his left nostril
5. mike and mike (why do i keep watching? what is wrong with me?)
6. did i mention brett favre?
7. miley cyrus (her mere existence bothers me)
8. terrel owens
best people of the year (or the people i spent most time watching/listening to):
1. bill simmons
2. tim keller/matt chandler/mark driscoll
3. ira glass
4. alex trebek
5. brad bigney
favorite repeated activities i participated in throughout the course of the year:
1. playing gin rummy with heidi and my clients
2. racquetball
3. sunday mornings at grace fellowship church
4. hanging out with the old folks at madonna manner
5. nights at one of the following: gypsy hut, norhtside tavern, the comet
6. wednesday night (or any other night) dinner parties at the braggs
7. football games at kevin's spent making fun of commercials and killing bearcats from adriaticos
8. post-dinner walking of the dogs with heidi
9. debates on heather's deck
10. waking up every single day next to a beautiful girl (sappy but true)
that's about all i have in me. i'm sure i have many more that will come to mind and i'm positive that i have left some major things out, but like i said, i don't remember anything so i can't be held responsible for what has been omitted. feel free to add/correct in the comments.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
in this economy...
while in humboldt county this past weekend (that's in california, friends), my buddy nate downey, heidi and i discussed how much fun it is to start every sentence with the phrase, "in this economy..." it's a lot of fun. a few examples:
> in this economy, writing a consistent blog is very difficult.
> in this economy, graham harrell can't buy a ticket to new york to participate in the heisman ceremonies.
> in this economy, soup is my favorite evening meal.
go ahead and incorporate it in everyday conversation. in fact, go overboard - to the point where the people around you become annoyed and disinterested in anything you have to say.
we need to actually write a blog here, so lets get to some random thoughts. in this economy, random thoughts are like chicken soup to soul (the use of + and - is to indicate whether i am in favor or opposed to each entry). (if you needed me to tell you that, then you are an idiot). (i'm fairly confident that some idiots read this blog, but refuse to name names).
- i am on an unbelievable losing streak when it comes to stepping in dog poo. i mean it. every time i take calvin out to relieve himself i find myself looking down in disgust, and then spending the next 11 minutes trying to scrape, rub, hit, lick (not really) that crap off my shoes. i have like 4 pairs of shoes sitting on the doorstep right now because i can't get all the doo-doo off. it's getting to be ridiculous.
+ heidi and i got ipod shuffles from my parents for christmas this year. i ran the past two mornings to the sounds of my favorite songs, and i can tell you that it's made my morning ritual much more enjoyable. thanks mom and dad for hooking me up. it's great! how did i go so long without this accessory? i will never run in silence again... mark my words.
- kentucky/ohio is cold. as i mentioned earlier, we spent some time in northern california last week. it was in the 50s and 60s during the day and it was awesome. i was running around in just a hoodie all weekend - didn't even bring a jacket. fantastic.
+ speaking of travel: i was pretty sick with a massive head cold on my way out there, so i decided to attack it full on with orange juice after orange juice on the plane. i was drinking that stuff down and then, lo and behold, my cold is now gone. good riddance, cold. you're not welcome here anymore. and don't come back.
- he went to jared!
+ i have worked three day weeks each of the last three weeks. i could get used to this (i have gotten used to this... next week is going to blow). i work much better on a limited schedule. 40 hour weeks are for suckers.
- somebody told me that there was an attempted assassination on barack obama today, and that this was the third such attempt. i don't know if this is true, and am too lazy to do any research, but i am opposed to assassination attempts on the mr. president-elect (side note: the person that told me this, in response to my statement that some crazy people don't like the idea of a black president, said "i don't like it either." she assured me that she would not attempt to assassinate the future president and i told her i believed this to be a wise decision).
- + calvin gets his balls cut off tomorrow. (the + is for heidi and i, while the -, obviously, is for calvin). heidi and i have discussed giving the little guy one night with a lady dog before stealing his manhood from him. this doesn't appear to really be a viable option (again, sorry calvin).
+ baseball offseason talk. i don't know what "the hot stove" is, but i love all the talk about free agents and trades. i told kevin the other night that i enjoy the offseason just as much as the actual season. i stand by that statement.
+ in this economy, playing at least 400 hundred games of gin rummy while traveling across the country is a great way to pass the time. i'm fairly confident that i beat her roughly 87% of the time (she will, of course, deny this and probably offer some sort of retort about the erroneous nature of my statistics. fair enough).
- christmas stresses me out. read kevin's thoughts on this subject, which are similar to my own. don't get me wrong, i love christmas. i love to give and receive gifts. i love family. i love tradition. i love jesus. but i just get too stressed out about buying gifts and answering that annual question, "what do you want for christmas this year?" if i had a million dollars, i would buy heidi a state-of-the-art karaoke machine. and a new car. and a bunch of other stuff. i don't have a million dollars, so she will most likely get socks (she actually asked for socks, so i can't go wrong... right?).
+ in this economy, i find myself rambling more and more.
- in this economy, you can't waste time reading random thoughts from some guy sitting on his couch in his sweats while watching espn.
> in this economy, writing a consistent blog is very difficult.
> in this economy, graham harrell can't buy a ticket to new york to participate in the heisman ceremonies.
> in this economy, soup is my favorite evening meal.
go ahead and incorporate it in everyday conversation. in fact, go overboard - to the point where the people around you become annoyed and disinterested in anything you have to say.
we need to actually write a blog here, so lets get to some random thoughts. in this economy, random thoughts are like chicken soup to soul (the use of + and - is to indicate whether i am in favor or opposed to each entry). (if you needed me to tell you that, then you are an idiot). (i'm fairly confident that some idiots read this blog, but refuse to name names).
- i am on an unbelievable losing streak when it comes to stepping in dog poo. i mean it. every time i take calvin out to relieve himself i find myself looking down in disgust, and then spending the next 11 minutes trying to scrape, rub, hit, lick (not really) that crap off my shoes. i have like 4 pairs of shoes sitting on the doorstep right now because i can't get all the doo-doo off. it's getting to be ridiculous.
+ heidi and i got ipod shuffles from my parents for christmas this year. i ran the past two mornings to the sounds of my favorite songs, and i can tell you that it's made my morning ritual much more enjoyable. thanks mom and dad for hooking me up. it's great! how did i go so long without this accessory? i will never run in silence again... mark my words.
- kentucky/ohio is cold. as i mentioned earlier, we spent some time in northern california last week. it was in the 50s and 60s during the day and it was awesome. i was running around in just a hoodie all weekend - didn't even bring a jacket. fantastic.
+ speaking of travel: i was pretty sick with a massive head cold on my way out there, so i decided to attack it full on with orange juice after orange juice on the plane. i was drinking that stuff down and then, lo and behold, my cold is now gone. good riddance, cold. you're not welcome here anymore. and don't come back.
- he went to jared!
+ i have worked three day weeks each of the last three weeks. i could get used to this (i have gotten used to this... next week is going to blow). i work much better on a limited schedule. 40 hour weeks are for suckers.
- somebody told me that there was an attempted assassination on barack obama today, and that this was the third such attempt. i don't know if this is true, and am too lazy to do any research, but i am opposed to assassination attempts on the mr. president-elect (side note: the person that told me this, in response to my statement that some crazy people don't like the idea of a black president, said "i don't like it either." she assured me that she would not attempt to assassinate the future president and i told her i believed this to be a wise decision).
- + calvin gets his balls cut off tomorrow. (the + is for heidi and i, while the -, obviously, is for calvin). heidi and i have discussed giving the little guy one night with a lady dog before stealing his manhood from him. this doesn't appear to really be a viable option (again, sorry calvin).
+ baseball offseason talk. i don't know what "the hot stove" is, but i love all the talk about free agents and trades. i told kevin the other night that i enjoy the offseason just as much as the actual season. i stand by that statement.
+ in this economy, playing at least 400 hundred games of gin rummy while traveling across the country is a great way to pass the time. i'm fairly confident that i beat her roughly 87% of the time (she will, of course, deny this and probably offer some sort of retort about the erroneous nature of my statistics. fair enough).
- christmas stresses me out. read kevin's thoughts on this subject, which are similar to my own. don't get me wrong, i love christmas. i love to give and receive gifts. i love family. i love tradition. i love jesus. but i just get too stressed out about buying gifts and answering that annual question, "what do you want for christmas this year?" if i had a million dollars, i would buy heidi a state-of-the-art karaoke machine. and a new car. and a bunch of other stuff. i don't have a million dollars, so she will most likely get socks (she actually asked for socks, so i can't go wrong... right?).
+ in this economy, i find myself rambling more and more.
- in this economy, you can't waste time reading random thoughts from some guy sitting on his couch in his sweats while watching espn.
Friday, November 21, 2008
the world has turned and left me here
the mcrib is back. i could talk about this at great length, but i won't.
the world has passed me by.
i used to be fresh on the scene. on the up-and-up. i used to know things. i took pride in the fact that i loved such-and-such band and you didn't even know who they were yet (and by the time you did know who were they were, i would have already moved on because i'm always one step ahead of you.)
i love pop culture. it fascinates me. but it's getting to the point where i'm the old guy in the pool with all the kids and the moms on the sidelines are surveying my every move to make sure i don't make off with their child.
why don't i just go ahead and make a list of the reasons why i feel like an old man (old men make lists, so this exercise is fitting):
+ i couldn't tell you the last new album i bought, movie i saw or book i read. i'm reading the bible right now, and that's been around for a bit
+ i don't have a facebook. i've never been on facebook. i can only imagine that facebook is just another form of myspace and i can't see the reason to have the same friends who talk about the same thing on another social networking site. i can only handle so much. speaking of myspace...
+ myspace seems strange and foreign to me. nobody leaves me comments or writes me messages, and needless to say, i don't do it for them (i'm more of a 'reply' kind of guy).
+ i haven't been to a show in i-don't-know-how-long. if i did go, i would stand in the back.
+ i am wearing the same jeans, chuck taylors, american apparel t shirts and hoodies that i bought three or four years ago. i have nothing new. nothing exciting. i bought work shirts the other day: four long sleeve, button up, striped or plaid shirts that i could wear to work each day. 5 years from now will i still be wearing skinny jeans? or will i follow in the footsteps of my father and buy kirkland jeans at costco paired with an over-sized, un-tucked shirt to hide the spare tire that sits above the belt that is fastened through last hole?
+ i hardly ever see midnight.
+ i always see 7:00 am
+ i listen to talk radio. espn or npr. i just like to hear people talk when i am driving. if it's not talk radio, then it is probably a sermon i downloaded.
+ i still don't know what is so special about a blackberry or other high-tech cellular phone device. i know how to make/receive calls and text. if you ask me, i don't need my phone to do anything else.
+ on most nights, i'd just assume stay at home, because going out just seems like a hassle.
+ i don't recover like i used to. it takes more time and more effort.
+ i think that i watch the television at a much higher volume level than i used to, but i'm not sure. it sounds about the same.
+ i don't know what celebrity or hip new artist name to insert into the "i don't even know who _______________ is" statement.
+ i've started to make jokes that sound an awful lot like the jokes my dad used to make to which i would reply (inwardly or outwardly), "that's not funny." i think these jokes are hilarious, but you probably would not.
there's much more that could be listed here, but for the sake of my sanity, i'll quit while i'm ahead. i could talk about the gray hairs that are popping up above my ears, or the hairline that i swear is receding ever-so-slightly. i could talk about how the lbs don't shed the way they used to. but i'm not going to talk about that.
in the words of weezer (again. not sure why i'm defaulting there today): "i don't want to be an old man anymore..."
you may be thinking, "justin, why do you complain so much? are you miserable?"
of course not. i'm actually extremely content. i have the best wife ever. fortunately for me, she is several years younger than me, so while i grow old and incompetent, i still get to walk around with a pretty lady on my arm. sure, i'm not as cool as i once thought i was, but i'm ok with that. i look at guys like my dad, and captain carl and they are the coolest guys i know. maybe they don't wear cool clothes, get their haircut at fantastic sams, or like any bands that formed after 1983, but that's fine. they know who they are. and that's pretty cool (suddenly this post has become some sort of after school special/public announcement/afternoon talk show. let's bring in montell to give us an inspiring message of hope. better yet, allow me to quote president-elect barak obama: 'yes we can...').
let's let weezer wrap this one up for us - "if you want to destory my sweater, pull this thread as i walk away." (it's relevant... somehow... maybe not.)
the world has passed me by.
i used to be fresh on the scene. on the up-and-up. i used to know things. i took pride in the fact that i loved such-and-such band and you didn't even know who they were yet (and by the time you did know who were they were, i would have already moved on because i'm always one step ahead of you.)
i love pop culture. it fascinates me. but it's getting to the point where i'm the old guy in the pool with all the kids and the moms on the sidelines are surveying my every move to make sure i don't make off with their child.
why don't i just go ahead and make a list of the reasons why i feel like an old man (old men make lists, so this exercise is fitting):
+ i couldn't tell you the last new album i bought, movie i saw or book i read. i'm reading the bible right now, and that's been around for a bit
+ i don't have a facebook. i've never been on facebook. i can only imagine that facebook is just another form of myspace and i can't see the reason to have the same friends who talk about the same thing on another social networking site. i can only handle so much. speaking of myspace...
+ myspace seems strange and foreign to me. nobody leaves me comments or writes me messages, and needless to say, i don't do it for them (i'm more of a 'reply' kind of guy).
+ i haven't been to a show in i-don't-know-how-long. if i did go, i would stand in the back.
+ i am wearing the same jeans, chuck taylors, american apparel t shirts and hoodies that i bought three or four years ago. i have nothing new. nothing exciting. i bought work shirts the other day: four long sleeve, button up, striped or plaid shirts that i could wear to work each day. 5 years from now will i still be wearing skinny jeans? or will i follow in the footsteps of my father and buy kirkland jeans at costco paired with an over-sized, un-tucked shirt to hide the spare tire that sits above the belt that is fastened through last hole?
+ i hardly ever see midnight.
+ i always see 7:00 am
+ i listen to talk radio. espn or npr. i just like to hear people talk when i am driving. if it's not talk radio, then it is probably a sermon i downloaded.
+ i still don't know what is so special about a blackberry or other high-tech cellular phone device. i know how to make/receive calls and text. if you ask me, i don't need my phone to do anything else.
+ on most nights, i'd just assume stay at home, because going out just seems like a hassle.
+ i don't recover like i used to. it takes more time and more effort.
+ i think that i watch the television at a much higher volume level than i used to, but i'm not sure. it sounds about the same.
+ i don't know what celebrity or hip new artist name to insert into the "i don't even know who _______________ is" statement.
+ i've started to make jokes that sound an awful lot like the jokes my dad used to make to which i would reply (inwardly or outwardly), "that's not funny." i think these jokes are hilarious, but you probably would not.
there's much more that could be listed here, but for the sake of my sanity, i'll quit while i'm ahead. i could talk about the gray hairs that are popping up above my ears, or the hairline that i swear is receding ever-so-slightly. i could talk about how the lbs don't shed the way they used to. but i'm not going to talk about that.
in the words of weezer (again. not sure why i'm defaulting there today): "i don't want to be an old man anymore..."
you may be thinking, "justin, why do you complain so much? are you miserable?"
of course not. i'm actually extremely content. i have the best wife ever. fortunately for me, she is several years younger than me, so while i grow old and incompetent, i still get to walk around with a pretty lady on my arm. sure, i'm not as cool as i once thought i was, but i'm ok with that. i look at guys like my dad, and captain carl and they are the coolest guys i know. maybe they don't wear cool clothes, get their haircut at fantastic sams, or like any bands that formed after 1983, but that's fine. they know who they are. and that's pretty cool (suddenly this post has become some sort of after school special/public announcement/afternoon talk show. let's bring in montell to give us an inspiring message of hope. better yet, allow me to quote president-elect barak obama: 'yes we can...').
let's let weezer wrap this one up for us - "if you want to destory my sweater, pull this thread as i walk away." (it's relevant... somehow... maybe not.)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
observations '08
the election happened yesterday. apparently this is a big deal. i have a few observations - some related and others completely off-topic.
+ people are super-excited. what would have happened if mccain actually won? what would that have looked like? it would have been like waking up on christmas morning only to find that there were no presents under the tree, and while you're at it, no tree at all. i think i read about this somewhere, i believe it was "the grinch who stole the christmas."
+ just so we're completely clear on this, john mccain would have played the part of the grinch in this scenario.
+ i voted at an elementary school yesterday morning. because of this act, i received a free tall coffee from starbucks. i later found out that because of voting laws, starbucks could not have denied me a free coffee. so why did i vote?
+ i love the latest round of glade commercials. you've either seen them or you haven't, but as a quick summary, this midlife housewife tries really hard to hide the use of glade products from her friends. sometimes she tries to pronounce it with an accent, another time she attempts to place store-bought cookies on the counter to trick her friends into thinking that the delicious smell in the air is the result of her fresh-baked goods. needless to say, she always gets caught and i suppose the message is this, "it's embarrassing to buy our product, but if you want your stuff to smell good, you should just do it."
+ andy katz (national college basketball writer for espn) played basketball with obama and his crew yesterday morning. he talked about this with every espn radio personality today. i thought about what it would be like to play basketball with the president? from katz's description of the president's play, he sounds a lot like a "chucker."
+ nebraska doesn't have a winner-take-all system in place for the electoral college. can you tell me why this is? i don't get this whole process of elections.
+ comedy central's "indecision '08:" well done mr. colbert and mr. stewart. well done.
+ am i the only one who is going to miss campaign commercials? everybody complains about their presence in life for a few weeks, but i have grown quite fond of them.
+ i know i'm not the only one (heidi has confirmed this) that voted for some people based on the commercials and signs on people's lawns. call me an uneducated-voter. call me uninformed. call me whatever you want, but that's the honest truth.
+ i hope that this is not the end of sarah palin. she's a riot. how can i get my hands on a "palin '12" bumper sticker?
+ i need to get my dog castrated. i'm serious. he is out-of-control. perhaps i can charge money for your readership of this blog. just send your check to the "chop off calvin's balls" fund c/o justin and heidi.
+ congratulations to barak obama. i'm not too sure what's going to happen or not happen, but you have to admit that it's an interesting time to be alive and that this has been a wild ride. 100k+ getting together for a rally on election night? that's just insane. how many people do you think would get together today for a george w. bush rally? i'd go. i like george. he's my favorite president since abraham lincoln.
+ speaking of lincoln, i dressed up as the 14th president for halloween and had a gay-ole time that evening. lincoln gets a lot of respect to this day from the bar-going public.
+ speaking of lincoln (part 2), i read a children's book about abe lincoln as an "animal lover" and we can thank the annual thanksgiving day tradition of a turkey pardon to honest abe. well done sir. well done.
+ looking forward to thanksgiving. one of the top 5 holidays of the calendar year.
+ trip coming up this weekend: the braggs go to the windy city. full report to come i'm sure (assuming something exciting happens (not too subtle hint to kevin to step it up and make it happen)).
+ people are super-excited. what would have happened if mccain actually won? what would that have looked like? it would have been like waking up on christmas morning only to find that there were no presents under the tree, and while you're at it, no tree at all. i think i read about this somewhere, i believe it was "the grinch who stole the christmas."
+ just so we're completely clear on this, john mccain would have played the part of the grinch in this scenario.
+ i voted at an elementary school yesterday morning. because of this act, i received a free tall coffee from starbucks. i later found out that because of voting laws, starbucks could not have denied me a free coffee. so why did i vote?
+ i love the latest round of glade commercials. you've either seen them or you haven't, but as a quick summary, this midlife housewife tries really hard to hide the use of glade products from her friends. sometimes she tries to pronounce it with an accent, another time she attempts to place store-bought cookies on the counter to trick her friends into thinking that the delicious smell in the air is the result of her fresh-baked goods. needless to say, she always gets caught and i suppose the message is this, "it's embarrassing to buy our product, but if you want your stuff to smell good, you should just do it."
+ andy katz (national college basketball writer for espn) played basketball with obama and his crew yesterday morning. he talked about this with every espn radio personality today. i thought about what it would be like to play basketball with the president? from katz's description of the president's play, he sounds a lot like a "chucker."
+ nebraska doesn't have a winner-take-all system in place for the electoral college. can you tell me why this is? i don't get this whole process of elections.
+ comedy central's "indecision '08:" well done mr. colbert and mr. stewart. well done.
+ am i the only one who is going to miss campaign commercials? everybody complains about their presence in life for a few weeks, but i have grown quite fond of them.
+ i know i'm not the only one (heidi has confirmed this) that voted for some people based on the commercials and signs on people's lawns. call me an uneducated-voter. call me uninformed. call me whatever you want, but that's the honest truth.
+ i hope that this is not the end of sarah palin. she's a riot. how can i get my hands on a "palin '12" bumper sticker?
+ i need to get my dog castrated. i'm serious. he is out-of-control. perhaps i can charge money for your readership of this blog. just send your check to the "chop off calvin's balls" fund c/o justin and heidi.
+ congratulations to barak obama. i'm not too sure what's going to happen or not happen, but you have to admit that it's an interesting time to be alive and that this has been a wild ride. 100k+ getting together for a rally on election night? that's just insane. how many people do you think would get together today for a george w. bush rally? i'd go. i like george. he's my favorite president since abraham lincoln.
+ speaking of lincoln, i dressed up as the 14th president for halloween and had a gay-ole time that evening. lincoln gets a lot of respect to this day from the bar-going public.
+ speaking of lincoln (part 2), i read a children's book about abe lincoln as an "animal lover" and we can thank the annual thanksgiving day tradition of a turkey pardon to honest abe. well done sir. well done.
+ looking forward to thanksgiving. one of the top 5 holidays of the calendar year.
+ trip coming up this weekend: the braggs go to the windy city. full report to come i'm sure (assuming something exciting happens (not too subtle hint to kevin to step it up and make it happen)).
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