sweet

AP - January 14, 2009

a debate has been raging across the country forcing men and women to come to terms with their most haunting fears and to choose a side in a fierce battle that has left a wake of strained friendships and shattered hearts. experts warn that if you're not careful, you may find yourself at the heart of this great war. if a giant wall could separate east and west germany for decades, there's no telling what a candy bar could do...

that's right, a candy bar. at the sweet center of this flamboyant feud stands the age-old debate concerning how one defines a candy bar. wikipedia defines a candy bar as: "A chocolate bar is a confection in bar form comprising some or all of the following components: cocoa solids, cocoa butter, sugar, milk. The relative presence or absence of these components form the subclasses of dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. In addition to these main ingredients, it may contain emulsifiers such as soy lecithin and flavors such as vanilla. There are many varieties of chocolate; milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, peanut butter chocolate, and many more. A candy bar (called a chocolate bar in British English, Australian English and Canadian English, where the word candy refers specifically to sugar candy) is a form of confectionery usually packaged in a bar or log form, often coated with chocolate, and sized as a snack for one person. But within that term, a wide variety of products exist, ranging from solid chocolate bars to multiple layerings or mixtures of ingredients such as nuts, fruit, caramel or fondant."

most important to note in the above definition is the word "usually" that an informed and educated reader will clearly understand to mean that while the candy bar has it's root in the bar form, that elapsed time has allowed for a more tolerant definition of candy bar.

in a recent survey, 3 out of 4 americans agreed that twix is indeed a candy bar. what does a statistic like this prove? overwhelmingly apparent is the willingness of good, hard-working, rational-thinking, red-blooded americans to embrace a fair, balanced, and legitimate definition of the candy bar. also apparent in this scientific study's findings is the surprising portion (25%) of population that remains oblivious, short-sighted and ignorant of embracing a progressive and inclusive definition of candy bars in all shapes and sizes.

overheard at a local sporting event in cincinnati, OH, a collaboration of seemingly successful and well-spoken young men feverishly exchanged jabs and quips concerning what defines the oh-so-succulent candy bar. one member of the handsome group, kevin warwick, a copy editor who insisted this reporter mention that he lives in chicago, IL, not cincinnati, OH, was quoted as saying, "twix is not a candy bar because there are two of them in the package." this same man, who appeared to be a little frazzled, is on record for rejecting the inclusion of kit kat, almond joy/mounds, and resee's peanut butter cups into the canon of candy bar-dom. other members of the group asserted that m&m's have no place in the realm of candy bars, because if accepted, the door would be open too wide for other "candies" to be defined as a candy bar (skittles, runts, nerds, etc.).

michael "shorty" short, a local postman and pizza delivery driver, told local reporters, "that's just ridiculous. skittles are not a candy bar."

kenny roa, a male nurse who is on record for supporting a wider candy bar definition but rejects including raisinettes in the candy bar classification, pontificated, "what if raisenettes came in a bar form? would they be a candy bar then? raisins aren't candy!"

so what is one to do with all of this information? can a solution be found? one might hope to find a middle-ground upon which all candy-lovers can stand, but it seems unlikely and nearly impossible. a debate of this magnitude, with these implications is unlikely to find resolution in this lifetime.

justin bragg, a social worker, said confidently, "in this economy, people are desperate to find a piece of peace and comfort in a long overdue definition of candy bars that can be embraced by all people - young and old, man and woman, american and... foreigner. this indiscretion - the rift that divides sons and fathers, and daughters and mothers, has gone on far too long. how can a society function with such an egregious and divisive chasm between it's members? sooner or later, the crack in the facade will lead to an irreversible collapse of human civilization as we know it. and i, for one, can't stand to to see that happen."

mr. bragg is in favor of an expanded and inclusive definition of a candy bar. one only has to walk into a local convenient store to observe the placement of candy bars on the shelf. "when i want to grab a candy bar to munch on after filling up the gas tank," bragg states, "i go to one shelf and pick from any number of packaged sweet delights. i can grab a snickers, junior mints, 3 musketeers or peanut m&ms and be sure that i am in fact grabbing a candy bar. if we are going to segregate candy based on insignificant and inconsistent differences, then we have a large problem on our hands - a lack of unity and cohesion."

if one were interested, wikipedia has posted a fair list of candy bars. feel free to peruse the list and take note of the wide variety and freedom given to classify a given sweet as a "candy bar." one also may participate in this quiz, which is part of the "Science Museum of Minnesota's Thinking Fountain." that's just science, folks, and you can't argue with that. if you would like to purchase a candy bar, feel free to order from this site (note the wide variety of inclusion).

in conclusion, if the reader has learned anything from this article, may it be simply that candy bars were meant to be enjoyed - plain and simple. don't let the joy-robbing candy bar barons come and destroy your fun and delight. feel free to grab that candy bar, open the package, and bite into the glorious collaboration of high fructose corn syrup, corn starch, processed sugars and food dye... enjoy.

* dan rather contributed to this report.
** ed werder attempted to contribute to this report, but had nothing to offer since the dallas cowboys were not involved.
*** chris mortensen reported this report after somebody else broke the story.