kids, man

my wife lost her phone and camera last weekend up in oakley.

we thought they were long gone because in reality, when does that kind of stuff ever come back to you?

heidi took some time from her very busy and active work schedule to create some fancy signs to put up in the neighborhood where the electronics were lost with a big "$50 reward" claim to entice would-be helpers.

as i went to put the signs up today after work, some juvenile delinquent hollers at me to inquire of my business in his neighborhood.

"you lose a dog?"

"no, cell phone and camera."

"what's the camera look like"

i described the camera

"i think my friend mikey might have it. lemme check. is there a reward?"

"yeah man, $50 for the phone and camera. i'll give you $20 for your trouble if you can help me out."

we walk down to some house and this kid asks me to wait outside while he goes into the house to figure out his next move.

"it's in here! hold on, he's just deleting some of the pictures he took on it."

so i'm waiting outside while these kids delete the pictures they took of their testicles and morning bowls of cereal and thinking to myself, 'i feel like i'm on 'the shield' right now or something. i gotta pay this kid to lead me to the source or something like that. i could so be a cop.'

"here it is man. so you got that $20?"

"yeah man, here it is. thanks for your help."

"no problem. i know how it feels, i lost my $200 phone and $200 camera and wallet at the st. cecilia festival last week and nobody helped me out."

"that sucks man - did you put up signs that offered rewards if the items were returned?"

"nah, i knew i'd never get that shit back."

"i hear that."

"if i can find your phone, can i get the rest of the money?"

"sure kid, why not."

i drive away feeling all at once excited to get the camera back and confident that this hustler is going to track down my phone, as well as pissed off that i've got to pay some derelict kids a bunch of cash just to get this stuff back.

fast forward a half hour and i'm just getting home when i see that i'm getting a call from an unknown number:

"you lose a phone?"

"yeah."

"silver lg shine?"

"yeah."

"there's a $50 reward for it?"

"well i got the camera back already so i'll give you half."

"so $30 for the phone?"

either this kid sucks at math (a very real possibility) or my new friend from a half hour ago hit the pavement in an effort to either make some more cash or flex his altruistic muscles.

"half of $50 is $25. do you have the phone? i'll give you $25 if i get the phone back"

"yeah, i got the phone. i'll give it to you for $25."

i'm getting ripped off here. these kids are really testing my patience.

"alright kid, my wife is getting off work and she'll come get the phone from you. where are you?"

"drive through on the corner. she's gonna give me $25, right?"

"yeah dante, she'll give you $25. just stay there for another 20 minutes and she'll come pick it up."

"it doesn't work."

"the battery's dead. i just have to charge it."

"oh. (long pause). so i still get the $25?"

"yeah, you still get the money. just be waiting at the drive through with the phone. thanks for your help."

i'm sitting at home now waiting for heidi to get here. my hope is that the transaction went smoothly, but i have no way of knowing since the phone is dead. as i wait impatiently my thoughts turn to grandiose dreams of the good-ol-days when people helped people just because it was the right thing to do. when neighbors helped neighbors and a cup of sugar was only a door down if you were baking a pie. i thought about kids playing in sprinklers while parents gossiped about the latest action down at the corner store. i imagined a world in which some kid would yell out to me from his 2nd-story house to see if he could help me out, and courteously turn down my offer of a few bucks for his trouble because he is a boy scout, and he helps old ladies across the street and stuff like that according to "scout's honor." i guess there just aren't as many boy scouts as there used to be.