well the results are in.
a complete list of "the manliest cities in america" has been released and i have a lot to say about it.
if you're like me, you probably didn't clink on the above link, so stop reading, click on the link and read the article so we can all sit down and have an intelligent and meaningful conversation about this whole thing... (i'll wait).
alright, now that you've perused the article, you are aware that this study was commissioned by "combos." i can't remember the last time i ate combos, so i guess i'm not much of a man.
but before you start to feel sorry for me, and err in thinking that my masculinity is minimal, consider that i live in cincinnati, OH. that's right, no. 4 on the list.
naturally, after looking for my own city on the list, i began to look around to see where my friends reside and how manly their cities are: and i will tell you that i'm troubled.
kevin, in chicago, IL, comes in 46th.
taylor and etha, in los angeles, CA (orange county, whatever), rank 49th out of 50 (ouch).
brian and duane from san diego, CA register at a lowly 43rd.
billy, kicking it up in columbus, OH, is just a little less manly than i, sitting in 7th place.
keith (the commish) resides somewhere in the sacramento, CA area, and registers at 41.
russ lives in washington DC, and he is 45th.
nate and brandon don't make the list 'cause humboldt just isn't big enough, but having grown up in humboldt, i can tell you that it is the manliest place on earth.
you may expect me to ridicule my friends for their effeminate lifestyles, but i won't. instead, i am in consideration of just getting some new friends, and i'm starting my search in nashville, TN, charlotte, NC, and oklahoma city, OK. if anybody from one of those cities reads this blog, feel free to ask me out on a man date.
i suppose most of you will complain that the actual criteria used to determine these rankings, and you may have a point. here are the categories again, from the report:
sports --- major league teams and "the number of nearby NASCAR tracks and events, NHRA events, local drag racing strips, monster truck events and triathlons/marathons were analyzed."
manly lifestyle --- "the number of US-made cars and full-size pickups registered in the city, membership in motorcycle owner groups, sports TV viewing, bowling, fishing, hunting, woodworking and home improvement work" were some of the criteria for this category.
manly retail stores --- "including BBQ and chicken wing restaurants, steak houses and sports bars, sportsman stores, general hardware and home improvement stores."
manly magazine subscriptions --- "the percentage of households subscribing to manly publications - Sports Illustrated, Car & Driver, Maxim, Playboy, Men’s Health, Popular Mechanics, Boating, etc."
salty snack sales --- "total sales for the “Salty Snack/Cracker” retail. Combos is a product in this business category."
obviously the salty snack sales category can be thrown out, because that's just stupid.
i don't subscribe to any magazines, and i'm as manly as they come, so that category is dumb as well.
i love that BBQ and chicken wings are synonymous with masculinity. that's good.
and of course, sports are quintessential in any man's life.
if i may get serious for a moment, perhaps a "husband/father" category could have been included. how many guys are married and faithful to their wives and are raising their kids... that's pretty manly. also, what is the employment rate in each city. being unemployed and mooching off the government is very un-manly. what about church membership? i go to church every week and meet some of the manliest men there. i think that is saying something.
what are we supposed to do with all this information? obviously nothing. cincinnati, OH is not a manly place. i'm really not buying it. in fact, if you did a poll of "places people actually want to live" just flip the list upside-down, and you have an accurate picture. would you rather live in nashville, TN or los angeles, CA? when was the last time anybody gave a thought to toledo, OH? look at the epicenters of our society, los angeles, new york, chicago, san diego, DC, seattle... perhaps not "manly" but at the very least, "better."
i really don't have anything more to add. i'm going to go be manly and eat some salty snacks with an eye toward a triple bypass surgery in the future to correct my out-of-this-world cholesterol. feels good to be a man, sitting on my manly couch, in my manly house, in this manly city.
and by the way, as an update to my previous post of being a man and feeling great about it... well i still haven't fixed that stupid truck and i'm pissed about it. if fixing cars is what it means to be a man... i want to quit.
oh yeah, PITT, louisville, UNC and memphis in the final four. it's in the book. although, through the first three games of the day, i'm sitting at 0-3 so perhaps you shouldn't take my word for anything anymore.
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8 comments:
looking at statistics of many cities makes me reflect on my current living situation. Well if drinking and local bars have anything to do with a city being manly I think my city wins. A national poll came out last year saying that 80 percent of Korean men drink 6 days a week and there are seriously over 50 bars in my small local town of about 5 thousand people. However after visiting these bars (norebongs) one will soon realize that there is nothing manly about them, as they, are karaoke bars, completely entertaining but nothing is less manly than an old drunk korean singing at the top of his lungs to the upbeat tune of a 1996 Casio keyboard! _ MR C.
I'm kind of surprised Sacramento even made the top 50. If having an alleged pederast (Kevin Johnson) as mayor, an NBA team full of whiners, and having a bunch of state workers vote down every ballot measure that improves the city but costs money is manly, then I guess I'll be damned.
Now, the city of Stockton, my city of employment is considered in the Sacto mix, then that makes sense. Stockton is the most manly - and as Bragg points out - one of the worst places to live in the world.
The biggest problem I see with this list is that no cities in Alaska are even mentioned. In my mind, Alaska is where real men live. First of all, I think you die up there if you don't have a beard and people don't own guns just because it is their right to or because they want to. You own guns in Alaska because bears will eat you if you don't. Sports in Alaska involve either not-dying (Iditarod) or hockey. I'm not sure which is manlier. The categories for density of retail just don't make sense up in Alaska because they still have trading posts. Like the old west. Alaska is the new frontier. Alaska is still putting the Man in Manifest Destiny. Plus there is fishing.
Who are these people commenting on your blog? Minus the Commish, they need to take a hike.
Great post. However, I'm born and bred in Cincinnati, Ohio, and I can't grow facial hair. What does that tell you?
Dear Classic Ohio,
I am referenced in paragraph 7. While not ranked particularly high in the manliness category, I will nonetheless not take a hike.
Regards,
Taylor
Taylor,
My apologies. I mistook you as a trespasser sneaking your way into the blog world created by one Justin Bragg. I really just skim his blogs looking for my name, consequently disregarding all others.
Again, I'm sorry.
hahaha kevin's offending people.
I'd like to argue the manliness ranking of Dayton. Although they may be lacking in the sport section, there is absolutely nowhere I have lived or visited, that feels less feminine. Even the ladies here are bruisers. That's because there is nothing here but dive bars and drive-through beer stores, and everyone I know owns at least one gun. #15? psshh
What the heck is a manly retail store anyway? Sounds like an oxymoron to me.
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