heidi says i'm out of control

i'm sorry i only wrote two posts last month (i don't know who i am apologizing to). i try to average one a week but sometimes i just don't have anything to say. (sometimes i don't have anything to say but i write anyway)

listening to baseball is far superior to watching it on television. i love broadcaster's voices. something about listening to the game on the crackin' AM radio just makes me happy. i grew up without cable, so whenver i wanted to catch my san fran giants, it was to the radio in the garage where i would sit on this bench and listen to jon miller and mike krukow serenade angels to come down from heaven (hyperbole?) oh, and by the way, the rays are going to world series and will lose to the dodgers. i have to ride the rays (remember that i picked them as my darkhorse BEFORE the season) and they have to make it as far as the rockies did last year so that i can feel at least equal to kevin. if they win a single game in the world series then kevin owes me a pumpkin ale.

the other night i sat at a table with heidi, heather, annie and cheryle and listened to them talk about how funny ellen degeneres is. ellen degeneres is not funny. these women couldn't understand how i could possibly not be an ellen fan. simply stating that i have testicles would have been enough to settle the argument, but i insisted that there are 100 people i would rather run into on a street corner than ellen degeneres. this shouldn't be too hard. let's go

1) kelsey grammer (frasier is a great show that i am appreciating more and more recently. and i won't comment on every person, don't worry)
2-6) the cast of saved by the bell minus screech (who i have seen at a bar and was a complete tool) and mr. belding, who i also met and was the greatest human being to ever live.
7) george w. bush
8-9) bill simmons and manny ramirez at the same time.
10) alex trebek
11) bill murray (but only if i could be guaranteed that he would actually be nice to me)
12) will clark (my favorite baseball player of all time. over 170 cards in plastic sleeves located in my parents' attic supports this statement)
13) larry david
14) chuck klosterman
15) michael j fox (i'd probably say something like, "too bad you can't go back in time and change your genetic code to make sure you don't get parkinson's disease." then i'd feel really bad for making such an inappropriate comment and say something like, "i wish i could go back in time and not make that last comment.")
16-19) mark driscoll, john piper, matt chandler and tim keller (all in one room, talking about theology and stuff. i'd just sit in the corner and smile)
20) marvin lewis (later i would be charged with assault for knocking his front two teeth out with my forehead).
21) the dog whisperer guy (make my dog not crazy!)
22) conan o'brien
23) david lynch
24) wes anderson
25) dusty baker ("man, why did you give russ ortiz the game ball in game six of the 2002 world series? that was a big mistake.")
26) scott spezio (another assault charge on my record)
27) michael c. hall (who would have thought that a gay funeral director and a serial killer could be so cool?)
28) ashton kutcher
29) jim carrey (but only if he happened to be coming out of 7/11 with an oversized beverage in his hand)
30-36) paula deen, barefoot contessa, bobby flay, alton brown, guy fieri, and sandra lee (for heidi)
37-38) joe montana and jerry rice (playing catch across traffic on either side of the street)
39) phil donahue
40) garth brooks
41-44) p diddy, puff daddy, sean combs
45) a hockey player (i probably have run into lots of hockey players on the street and didn't know it because hockey is unimportant. i was going to use the name of a real hockey player, but the only one i could think of wayne gretzky and that seemed rather pointless)
46) john madden ("thanks for letting your name be used on one of the only video games of the modern era that i have ever enjoyed playing. the buffalo bills on madden 92 are unstoppable.")
47) james taylor (i'd get my picture taken with him and have him sign it for my mom)
48) chuck adomitis (see above, but for my wife)
49-50) mike and mike in the morning (i have woken up with them every morning for the last year + and though i don't really like them that much, they serve a special function in my day to day routine)
51) paul mccartney
52) chris collinsworth
53-57) band of horses (me - "hey, we used your song 'the funeral' for our wedding. thanks!" them - "we made tons of money of that song for commercials and tv soundtracks. you owe us 3,000 dollars." me - "sorry. but seriously, your music is incindiary." them - "are you really quoting 'almost famous' at us right now? you lose all listening priveleges." me - "bummer... well, see you later.")
58) matt groening ('the simpsons' deserves respect)
59) jon stewart
60) stephen colbert
61) van morrison
62) hulk hogan
63-64) robert plant and jimmy page
65) will ferrell (please make a good movie again)
66) judd apatow (thanks for freaks and geeks... and the other stuff too)
67-70) john mccain, barak obama, joe biden and sarah palin (let's settle this once and for all... on the street!)
71) the creator of street fighter (who provided me with a wonderful mental image of how the above showdown would look: sarah palin as chun li, john mccain as guile, barak obama as dhalism and joe biden as zangief)
72-98) the entire 25-man roster and manager joe maddon of the 2008 tampa bay rays who have brought me great joy by making my dark horse prediction come true. (obviously i'm running out of people to put on this list. not because it's hard to think of people i would rather meet on the street than ellen degeneres, but because i'm getting tired of this. the list is not hard to come up with. it could be anybody. that's the point. think of a name of a famous person, any famous person, and i would rather meet him/her than ellen degeneres. phil collins.))
99) phil collins
100) portia de rossi (the wife/mate/life partner/whatever of ellen degeneres. just so i could say to her, "hey, next time you see ellen, let her know that i would rather run into you and 99 other people more than her." that will get her.)