Pat Robertson is an asshole.
I realize this isn’t a shock to anybody.
As I’m sure everyone knows, Pat made the following comment, following the horrendous and devastating earthquake in Haiti last week:
"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' True story, and the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."
According to Robertson, this isn’t the first time that God has gotten pissed at humanity and decided to punish thousands of people for it. Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans in 2005 because some women get abortions:
"I was reading a book that was very interesting about what God has to say in the Old Testament about those who shed innocent blood… Have we found we are unable somehow to defend ourselves against some of the attacks that are coming against us, either by terrorists or now by natural disaster? Could they be connected?"
And God is limited to using natural disasters to punish people for poor moral behavior. Following 9/11, he and Jerry Falwell sat around on the “700 Club,” and pontificated on how God allowed the attacks because of moral decay - specifically the ACLU, abortionists, feminists and gays.
Pissed off yet? Wait, there’s more
In 2006, Robertson suggested Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was given a debilitating stroke because he was trying to make peace with the Palestinians and give them land. "He was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course…God says 'this land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone.'"
Back in 1992, Pat wrote in a fundraising letter, "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson’s God is a very little, vindictive, and unmerciful God who acts like a jilted lover when she finds that her man is cheating on her with another.
But instead of hiring Richard Greico and the people at Cheaters, God possesses more power and instead of just catching a dirty adulterer in the act, He will send fireballs from heaven to destroy sinners who do some sins, which according to Robertson, are worse than others.
I would carry an umbrella, Mr. Robertson, because if God is anything like what you think he is, the next round of fireballs should be headed straight for you.
Why do I care what Pat Robertson has to say about natural disasters and terrorist attacks? Robertson is not that different from many uninformed “Christians,” he just has a platform that forces us all to cringe every time the fool opens his mouth.
If God is a general manager, and Christians are his baseball team, it’s time to make a trade. Or just cut him from the roster all together. We don’t want him on our team anymore.
I have a problem with Pat Robertson, and anybody else, who confuse and ignore what the Bible has to say about evil and suffering.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It isn’t. The Bible isn’t written as a “How To” book that answers every one of our questions with a tidy diagram like a car maintenance manual. If it were that easy, we would all agree and that would be the end of it.
Robertson has an opinion, and I suppose he is entitled to that opinion, as we all are, but he is wrong.
Why would Jesus, the Son of God, tell the crowd that gathered to hear him teach, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” – Matthew 5:43-47
Did you catch that? Jesus says that the rain falls on “good” people and “bad” people alike. Sinners and saints bask in the sun and get swept away in tsunamis just the same.
Am I supposed to believe that there is not a righteous man or woman on the island of Haiti? Will we not find any Christians’ names in the shrines and memorials built at the former site of The World Trade Center?
Three days before the 7.0 quake in Haiti, there was a 6.5 one in my hometown of Humboldt County. My mom was in the mall with a friend, who sustained a minor scratch on her arm when a ceiling tile fell to the floor.
Because my parents, and several other close friends live in Humboldt County, and are moral, upstanding, “good,” Christian men and women, should I then conclude that they were spared massive destruction because they read their Bible and say their prayers each night?
Did the devil make poor building codes and a lack of quality building materials in Haiti? Was that part of “the pact”?
Last time I checked, Karma isn’t a concept found in The Bible.
Karma is a clean system of belief: Do good and be rewarded. Do bad and be punished. It makes sense and it feels good to know “where you stand.”
But bad stuff happens to good people and vice versa. You can’t reduce the events of the universe to a simple formula. Why would you even try?
I don’t know if Robertson believes in Karma. I do know that he doesn’t believe in the sovereignty of God. The two are irreconcilable.
Over and over again in The Bible, and in the lives of His people are stories of rain.
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of Jesus Christ. You know, the one where he was murdered by lawless men, even though he never committed a crime.
That’s not fair.
My father-in-law told me tonight that the world is a broken place. I think he’s right.
He and I talked about darkness, futility, sin, and a fracture in shalom (peace).
Bad stuff happens because we live in a broken world. Earthquakes are literally the groaning of an earth that has been “subjected to futility” (Romans 8).
And don’t give the devil credit for that futility, because Romans 8 goes on to say that creation was subjected to futility, “In hope.”
In hope. Imagine that.
Pat Robertson is a victim of hate. Not a hate committed against him, but a hate that corrupts his heart.
Hate will do that to a person. Martin Luther King Jr. knew it well when he said,
“Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false, and the false with the true.”
I don’t expect that every reader of this blog will agree with me.
If God knows all things, is in control of all things, and yet allows evil and suffering to continue… This is a hard pill to swallow. It doesn't make clean and perfect sense, so don't expect it to.
We have to believe, like King, that there is a purpose in the pain:
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Every earthquake in Haiti, hurricane in New Orleans or Bali, and every brain tumor and tragic car accident is a time of challenge and controversy for you and I.
How will you respond? How do I respond?
King went on to say that, “My personal trials have also taught me the value of unmerited suffering. As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways that I could respond to my situation: either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course. Recognizing the necessity for suffering I have tried to make of it virtue. If only to save myself from bitterness, I have attempted to see my personal ordeals as an opportunity to transform myself and heal the people involved in the tragic situation, which now obtains. I have lived these last few years with the conviction that unearned suffering is redemptive.”
Don’t be like Pat Robertson.
And the next time you read some asinine comment from him, or someone like him, don’t just call him an idiot and move on.
Every story of pain and suffering - your own, or that of someone else, is an opportunity of reflection, renewal, and redemption.
Be transformed by trials. Perhaps that is their purpose.
P.S. If this post made you feel down in the dumps, go back and read the previous one about Karate Kid. That should cheer you up for a minute.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Text-a-Thon: Karate Kid
The following is a real conversation between two real men that took place entirely via text message. It took place on Saturday morning. This is a precise and exact word-for-word account of what happened:
Justin: Karate kid on vh1! Doing 222 for my point total this weekend
(Kevin and I have been betting NFL point spreads all season long. For the playoffs, since there are fewer games in which we could disagree on, we each pick a ‘total points scored for the whole weekend’ number as a tie-breaker, if it comes to that.)
Kevin: I literally got up to text you about karate kid. Wow. One of the top five re-watchable movies eve. I’m doing 191. 222 is so high.
(While Kevin is right, 222 is a lot of points to be scored in four games, I would like to point out, that at this point in the season, he owes me $35, because I beat him almost every week. He doesn’t have much room to talk.)
Justin: I got burned last week, so I am overcompensating.
Kevin: Daniel could never get a girl like Elisabeth Shue. Let’s be honest now.
Justin: That’s where you’re wrong. She was tired of those so-cal boys who just wanted her for her body. Daniel treated her right.
Kevin: Hahaha. Alli’s a grown up girl. Matured and developed. I’d be surprised if Daniel even has hair on his balls.
Justin: That was hilarious. Best of the day. You won’t top it so don’t try.
Kevin: I love discussing movies from 1984
Justin: Nothing beats watching this shit. Its preserved forever in history as a capsule of a wonderful time.
Kevin: I already work around the clock!!
Justin: “I don’t know what she sees in him.” “she must be into fungus.”
(This was dialogue between two of Alli’s friends, in reference to how she could possibly be into Daniel. It really is the greatest mystery of the whole movie. There is not an explanation that makes sense. Absolutely remarkable.)
Kevin: I have a 1984 crush on her. Daniel’s such a wuss.
Justin: How could you not? What the hell was Daniel thinking there? Poor decision making skills.
Kevin: The water thing? He can’t outrun those guys. They’re prime physical specimens.
Justin: Whose jersey is that he is wearing?
Kevin: Antonio Gates. Duh…
(This is funny because Antonio Gates is the current tight end for the San Diego Chargers who wears number 84, and Daniel is wearing a #84 San Diego Chargers jersey, but it’s 1984. good job by Kevin here.)
Justin: if Johnny lands that kick, Daniel is dead and this whole movie takes a dramatic turn.
Kevin: Hahaha! I think I need to save this conversation.
Justin: I know. I am laughing hysterically to myself this whole time. well done.
(At this point, I started the process of recording the conversation on the computer before my cell phone required me to erase the text messages.)
Kevin: If Daniel dies, do alli and mr. Miyagi join forces, train together, and secretly pick off each cobra kai member one by one in a murderous rampage.
Justin: Isn’t that the plot of ‘the next karate kid?’
Kevin: With hillary swank! Before she was a boy. Or was she a boy in that movie? Does hillary swank even have genitals?
Justin: “you got some nerve old man… I like that”
Kevin: Ahh the scene where we get to see miyagi’s house and wonder how the hell he affords such a posh pad.
Justin: How long do you think you would have played miyagi’s game of free manual labor? I feel like you wouldn’t even make it til lunch
Kevin: You saying you would’ve? I probably would’ve stuck with it for awhile. He’s a sage. I recognize that.
Justin: I would have never started because I listened to my mother when she said, don’t talk to strangers.
Kevin: Well daniel’s mother doesn’t seem too concerned with his safety. Or that he’s repeatedly getting his ass kicked. All she’s concerned with is getting that hunk of shit car started. Bad parenting.
Justin: We should get sweet bandanas and wear them when I move up there.
Kevin: Ralph maccio was 23 years old when the movie was made. That’s crazy.
Justin: And yet youre (my bad – it’s your, not you’re) comment about hair on his balls probably still applies
Kevin: more than likely.
Justin: that guy on the mcdonalds commercial kills me. ‘talk to me.’
(The commercial I am referring to is the one where the guy tells everybody who tries to have a conversation with him, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Even when the employee at the restaurant he goes to attempts to take his order, he rudely responds, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Once he finds out what she has to offer (coffee), he changes his tune and says, “Talk to me,” with a smirk on his face that makes me want to slap him with a dead salmon.)
(And don’t get me started on the Big Mac snack wrap.)
(Or Luke Wilson on the AT&T commercials every 2.5 minutes.)
Kevin: I feel like I should be starting my day. The motivation’s just not there.
Justin: what would Daniel son do?
Kevin: get in a bike wreck.
Justin: Daniel’s abnormally small nipples disturb me.
Kevin: Haha. Short shorts alli’s too hot.
Justin: Is miyagi drunk in that boat scene? Or just jovial?
Kevin: Jovial. The awkward drunk scene is coming up.
Kevin: Johnny’s hair is amazing.
Justin: I was just texting you the same thing! Get out of my head!
(Kevin and I have been accused of sharing the same brain on several occasions. It’s not true, we actually are very different, but it’s creepy how many times we are thinking the same exact thing.)
Justin: I would like to think that I would not have joined in the laughter at Daniel’s spaghetti incident, but most likely I would.
Kevin: You’re a bad person. How he got it all over him, head to toe, is beyond me. It’s everywhere. A full white outfit may have been a bad choice.
Justin: You have to dress in anticipation of something like that happening. Again, poor decision making shown by larusso
Kevin: his poor decision making fuels this movie. What a fuckup.
Justin: You can’t change your dirty clothes before making a visit to your mentor? Get it together, dan
Kevin: How would miyagi feel about Daniel rifling through all his stuff? What an asshole.
Justin: Why is the crane kick indefensible if done right? Seems pretty silly.
Kevin: great montage
Justin: Of course he picks the yellow car. But in all seriousness, what a sweet present from miyagi.
Kevin: Imdb tole me that Ralph maccio said, ‘forever my sensei’ at at morita’s funeral. Touching.
(Agreed. Very touching.)
Justin: you want me to drive?” “hey it’s the 80s, why not?”
Kevin: best line of the whole movie.
Justin: You’re the best, around!
(…Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down… What a great song.)
Kevin: God, this sequence is fantastic. Best movie montage ever?
Justin: can’t think of anything better. Rollerblade race down devil’s backbone in airborne? Nah.
Kevin: I’ve never even seen that movie. I suck.
Justin: And you call yourself a westsider. I’m more Westside than you.
(Some clarification for my non-Cincinnati audience: Devil’s Backbone is the name of the street that the final race scene is set on in the fantastic movie, Airborne. Airborne is set in Cincinnati. I used to watch this movie all the time when I lived in California, and think that Cincinnati seemed like a terrible place, but that’s another story. In the movie, Devil’s Backbone is portrayed as some strange hill in the middle of Downtown, but in reality it is the name of a road on the West Side of Cincinnati. This is important. In Cincinnati, which side of the City you grew up on is of the utmost importance. People from the East Side of town look down on the West Side and accuse them of being trashy. West Siders think the East Siders are snobs and way too full of themselves. I could write a whole blog about how fascinating this aversion to the opposite side of town is.
The point of my comment to Kevin, “I’m more Westside than you,” is an easy attack on his pride. I work on the West Side, and was only originally accepted into Kevin’s group of friends (a bunch of West Siders) because I, A) liked Seinfeld, and B) knew all about the streets, stores, restaurants, and people of the West Side. This gives my friends a great deal of pride. It’s like I have been adopted in as a West-Sider, without having been born and grown up there.
I thought that Kevin would be furious by my questioning of his “West Side-ness” but the movie was reaching climax too fast and he did not respond.)
Justin: Did the cobra kai sensei believe Johnny could not take Daniel? Or is he just ruthlessly evil?
Kevin: so dramatic when he claps his hands together. The music starts, the intensity rises.
Kevin: the line sweep the leg, Johnny, is never actually in the movie.
Justin: most intense moment in cinematic history
Kevin: the crane kick is illegal.
Justin: “you’re alright, larusso.” That would never happen.
Kevin: Never happen.
Kevin: Well, Justin. We successfully watched the entire thing. You better believe this conversation is going online.
Justin: I already started the transcription. It will be posted as a blog by the end of the day.
Kevin: Really? Well, I’m posting on mine too. Probably with a different intro.
(And there you have it.)
Friday, December 18, 2009
twelve joys of christmas
so, christmas is pretty rad. here's 12 reasons (in honor of 'the 12 days of christmas' - whatever that means):
1. presents.
presents are awesome. i know that i shouldn't lead the list of the best things about christmas with presents, but screw it, i really like presents. i like to receive and give. the most memorable present i ever received was a red rider bb gun from my parents. i cried because i was expecting a sweet GIJOE toy. it was a strange time of growing up and embracing the shooting of real guns, rather than just the toy ones that i had imagined to fire for so long.
2. food.
christmas, like every other holidy, is an excuse to eat. i've already gained a few pounds and i'm just warming up. christmas features office parties, candies and cookies, roast duck and egg nogg. these are a few of my favorite things.
3. bars.
nothing beats going to a bar around christmas and running into a bunch of people you haven't seen for a long time. in my hometown, it's a place called 'the palace' that everybody congregates at. i sweat nervously the entire night hoping that i won't run into... well i don't know who i am trying to avoid, but if i see him/her this year, i will freak out.
4. shopping
not really, i hate shopping. it's the worst. next year i am going to hire somebody to go and stand in line and purchase the things i pick out. this person will be my own personal elf.
5. snow.
it never snows. and when it does snow, i complain about it being cold and taking me longer to get where i am going. that being said, there should be snow at christmas. i blame bing crosby for this prevailing notion.
6. christmas music.
i used to loathe all christmas music until i married a christmas music fanatic. i could do without paul mccartney's "wonderful christmas time" still, but other than that, i'm starting to come around.
7. the new year
every year i talk myself into talking about how much i don't care about new years eve and all the hoopla that comes along with it. in reality, i like hoopla and i like making a big-to-do about stuff that doesn't really matter. i like going out and celebrating calendars. i like making resolutions that i invariably will not keep. most of all, i like celbrating the "eve" of a holiday more than the holiday itself. great move, america (and the rest of the world (except china), i guess).
8. traditions.
my family has ice cream sundaes ever christmas eve. on christmas morning, we open our stockings, and then open gifts one at a time and say things like "ooh" and "ahh" when a family member opens a flannel shirt or wall sconce. my dad then cooks a huge-ass breakfast and i eat half of my weight in sausage and biscuits. traditions rule.
9. parties.
these days, if you throw a party around december 25, it apparently has to be a "tacky sweater" party. this is unnecessary, but i continue to appreciate the increase in parties thrown during the last month of the year. one year, i went to a christmas party as will ferrell as robert goulet. i didn't break character all night and it was the best. i even sang "favorite things" and said things like, "i bet you would look good washing my dishes."
10. decorations.
decorating the tree with heidi was sweet this year. appetizers and cocktails while throwing some ornaments on a tree. 1 in 5 of those ornaments will be eaten by our dog. i'm a sucker for houses with lots of lights on. i check out the christmas tree in every house i enter. i still think that people should put real lighted candles on their trees.
11. christmas cookies
i know i mentioned food earlier, but cookies deserve their own section. my mom used to make about 400 varieties of cookies every year and it was open season as far as how many sweets i could consume in a given day. these days, my wife makes about 4,000 cookies-a-week and it continues to be open season. cookies are better around christmas time because it's cold, it's the holidays, and it just feels right. that makes sense, right?
12. jesus.
if you remember, this holiday all got started as a celebration of bis birth. every time i read the account of his birth, i am blown away by something. i will never be able to grasp the significance and overwhelming nature of the whole thing, but that produces awe and wonder, and i'm content with that.
1. presents.
presents are awesome. i know that i shouldn't lead the list of the best things about christmas with presents, but screw it, i really like presents. i like to receive and give. the most memorable present i ever received was a red rider bb gun from my parents. i cried because i was expecting a sweet GIJOE toy. it was a strange time of growing up and embracing the shooting of real guns, rather than just the toy ones that i had imagined to fire for so long.
2. food.
christmas, like every other holidy, is an excuse to eat. i've already gained a few pounds and i'm just warming up. christmas features office parties, candies and cookies, roast duck and egg nogg. these are a few of my favorite things.
3. bars.
nothing beats going to a bar around christmas and running into a bunch of people you haven't seen for a long time. in my hometown, it's a place called 'the palace' that everybody congregates at. i sweat nervously the entire night hoping that i won't run into... well i don't know who i am trying to avoid, but if i see him/her this year, i will freak out.
4. shopping
not really, i hate shopping. it's the worst. next year i am going to hire somebody to go and stand in line and purchase the things i pick out. this person will be my own personal elf.
5. snow.
it never snows. and when it does snow, i complain about it being cold and taking me longer to get where i am going. that being said, there should be snow at christmas. i blame bing crosby for this prevailing notion.
6. christmas music.
i used to loathe all christmas music until i married a christmas music fanatic. i could do without paul mccartney's "wonderful christmas time" still, but other than that, i'm starting to come around.
7. the new year
every year i talk myself into talking about how much i don't care about new years eve and all the hoopla that comes along with it. in reality, i like hoopla and i like making a big-to-do about stuff that doesn't really matter. i like going out and celebrating calendars. i like making resolutions that i invariably will not keep. most of all, i like celbrating the "eve" of a holiday more than the holiday itself. great move, america (and the rest of the world (except china), i guess).
8. traditions.
my family has ice cream sundaes ever christmas eve. on christmas morning, we open our stockings, and then open gifts one at a time and say things like "ooh" and "ahh" when a family member opens a flannel shirt or wall sconce. my dad then cooks a huge-ass breakfast and i eat half of my weight in sausage and biscuits. traditions rule.
9. parties.
these days, if you throw a party around december 25, it apparently has to be a "tacky sweater" party. this is unnecessary, but i continue to appreciate the increase in parties thrown during the last month of the year. one year, i went to a christmas party as will ferrell as robert goulet. i didn't break character all night and it was the best. i even sang "favorite things" and said things like, "i bet you would look good washing my dishes."
10. decorations.
decorating the tree with heidi was sweet this year. appetizers and cocktails while throwing some ornaments on a tree. 1 in 5 of those ornaments will be eaten by our dog. i'm a sucker for houses with lots of lights on. i check out the christmas tree in every house i enter. i still think that people should put real lighted candles on their trees.
11. christmas cookies
i know i mentioned food earlier, but cookies deserve their own section. my mom used to make about 400 varieties of cookies every year and it was open season as far as how many sweets i could consume in a given day. these days, my wife makes about 4,000 cookies-a-week and it continues to be open season. cookies are better around christmas time because it's cold, it's the holidays, and it just feels right. that makes sense, right?
12. jesus.
if you remember, this holiday all got started as a celebration of bis birth. every time i read the account of his birth, i am blown away by something. i will never be able to grasp the significance and overwhelming nature of the whole thing, but that produces awe and wonder, and i'm content with that.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
2009: the year of...
with the annual tradition of "best of" lists popping up all over the place, it's time to become reflective and contemplative about the year that was and the year that is to come (note to readers, if i catch any of you referring to 2010 as '010, i swear that i will kick you in the throat with jean claude van dame-force. 2010 can be referred to as either "twenty ten," "two thousand ten" or "ten." that's it. not any of this"o-ten" crap. i've been hearing it lately, and it has to stop)
the latest events engulfing the golf community and beyond (get it: engulf and golf... they sound the same), have drawn focus yet again to the age-old tradition of gossip, slander, and salacious accusations. let the games begin!
i know it's been said by others with more grand platforms than my own, but this year has seen some real "doozies" when it comes to lies and cover ups. in fact, as i researched the subject (sitting on the couch and thinking real hard), i came up with a top ten list of lies in the year 2009.
here, in no particular order, are the top ten lies of 2009:
1. tiger woods
being the most fresh of the bunch, we'll start here. this story is far from over because tiger is still lying. while he doesn't owe us, the public, anything, his continued refusal to address the issue in a forthright manner guarantees that the intrigue and skepticism will continue. the problem that tiger currently faces is the apparent life of lies that he has perpetuated. you couldn't pay me enough to be famous. because of the pressure put on somebody of tiger's stature by himself and others, his dominance on the golf course pales in comparison to the pressure in his daily life. sinking a 40-foot putt on the 18th green to win the masters is a cakewalk compared to having to be perfect in the eyes of the world. it's not fair, but it is the reality, especially when your name is tiger.
2. alex rodriguez
a-rod has to be sitting back in his hot tub and having a good laugh with k-hud. "hey kate, how 'bout tiger? man, i thought i was going down as the most tormented athlete of the year, but now, i'm off the hook..." to which kate hudson replies, "i'm just glad that you're not going to try and off yourself now when i dump you like my ex with the funny nose did last year..." (too soon? never?)
but seriously, does anybody even remember what it felt like when serena roberts announced that she was going to expose a-rod as a steroid-user? of course, nobody was shocked, but i can vaguely remember denial, followed by weepy interviews and half-confessions on 60 minutes and with peter gammons.
nobody remembers because it happened more than 14 minutes ago, and the yankees won the world series and alex had a couple of hits during some big games.
nobody remembers it because a couple of weeks later it happened again with manny and big papi.
nobody remembers it because baseball is forever soiled and the only way anybody can be a baseball fan is to be either naive/ignorant or really old and cranky.
tiger had to call a-rod within the past week, right? just to ask for advice or to hear alex say that everything's going to be alright?
3. david letterman
letterman told some jokes and seemed to gain more fans as a result of his exposed lies. "hey, everybody, let's make fun of marriage and glorify infidelity..." in reality, of everybody on this list, letterman made out with the least amount of dirt on his hands. laughter and honesty are powerful allies.
4. balloon boy
does it count as a lie if nobody believed it for more than 30 seconds?
5. john and kate
actually, give john and kate some credit. in an effort to annihilate the reputation of each other, and to grab as many dollars left on the table, both have seemed to be pretty forthright and honest in the aftermath of their bitter separation. of course, the affairs, the stealing of money from joint bank accounts, and accusations of poor parenting practices all put on parade for the public to consume, doesn't seem like the best of ideas.
6. octomom
i don't really know what this woman did that made so many people mad, but at some point she had to be lying to someone. the real tragedy is that the moniker "octomom" became a commonly-accepted phrase used in everyday conversation.
7. rick pitino
having sex with a woman in the back room of a restaurant is probably not a good idea, even if it is "consensual." paying the same woman thousands of dollars for an abortion and her silence about the matter is probably a worse idea. the amazing thing about this is how pitino was able to carry this lie around for six years. telling lies is like digging a hole. once you start with one lie, you are forever required to keep a shovel on you at all times to keep digging the hole. pitino found himself at the bottom of a hole that was six years deep, and only through confession and repentance can he climb his way out.
8. global warming
when my father-in-law told me about this last week i figured he had watched too much fox news again.
but climate-gate seems to be real. or maybe it's not. i don't know. what i do know, is that i'm completely over every scandal/lie being called something-gate. why is our society fixated on calling events or stories stupid names? do yourself a favor and peruse this wikipedia list for a few minutes.
as a whole, humanity is really stupid and lacking creativity and cleverness.
9. michael jackson
while MJ had a lot of skeletons in his closet that most likely lead to the increased amounts of drugs in his system to dull the pain of his transgressions, ultimately leading to his untimely death (see kids, lying kills), the lie i'm referring to is the lie that we, the people bought into following his death.
micheal jackson was a transcendent and phenomenally influential and talented pop artist. his music is out-freakin'-standing and the cultural impact of his life is a legacy unmatched by any other.
with thousands of cameras and millions of people chattering about his death, does anybody find it interesting that nobody was talking about what a creep he was? MJ was phenomenal... 20 years ago. but the last 20 years of his life have been completely disturbing and appalling. where was the honesty in talking about what a deranged person he was? just because he died, the collective whole of society decided to disregard the fact that he was a child molester.
10. brett favre
the list wouldn't be complete without the biggest liar of them all. it's getting really hard to continue my crusade against brett favre these days. kevin and i are the only ones still on this hate-wagon, and i'm finding it hard to justify my continued displeasure with the man based on what he is doing week after week on the football field.
but let's not forget how we got here and what favre did when he held america hostage year after year with his constant flip-flopping. brett favre lied when he said that he was done. he's done it before, but this time it was too much. in a perfect world, his arm would have fallen off by now and he would be out of the league and humiliated. but karma isn't real, so he gets to enjoy the success that comes from lying, back-stabbing and cheating? (40 year-olds don't play football this well. favre is on steroids. there i said it. i have no proof, but i have no doubt in my mind about it. would you be surprised in the least if he tested positive for steroids? of course you wouldn't because it makes simple sense).
in my new years resolutions post at the beginning of this year, i resolved to forgive brett favre, "if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be."
thanks for ruining my year, brett favre.
wrapping it up (like a christmas present)
i wrote the other day on my facebook that, 'i continue to be surprised just how surprised all of us are when a celebrity commits "transgressions.'" the reality is that we all lie. while that doesn't make it right, it makes it predictable. when i first realized that tiger was lying about what his wife was doing with that golf club, i thought that he was lying to protect his wife's reputation and i understood that. but then the reality set in that tiger's protection of his wife's "honor" was really a desperate attempt to protect his own reputation.
lying is all about a fear of man. we lie because we don't want people to think less of us. when we were kids, we lied so we wouldn't get spanked. as adults, we lie so that we won't be rejected, so we won't be judged, so we won't disappoint. we lie because it's easier to ask for an apology than it is to ask for permission. we lie because we think we are better than others and we don't want them to know that we really aren't. we lie to ourselves because we don't want to feel guilt, sorrow and shame.
it's my occupation to be lied to. i spend a majority of every week being lied to. kids lie to me about how much trouble they get into at home and school. teachers lie to me about all they are doing to make sure my clients are getting appropriate education. parents lie about how much time they spend with their kids and how they discipline their kids when they screw up.
you would think that i would be better at picking out a liar, but in all honesty, i'm terrible at it. i continue to be be disappointed and shocked by most lies because i continue to be oblivious to the crooked nature of my fellow humans. we're bent toward lies because we're programmed for survival, and survival today means being well-liked and happy.
all jokes aside, will 2009 go down as "the year of the lie?" can society as a whole agree to get all our lies out of the system withing the rest of the month so '10 can be a year of honesty? of course not. i'm lying to myself if i think for a minute that you and i are going to stop lying to one another, and that's pretty rotten.
the latest events engulfing the golf community and beyond (get it: engulf and golf... they sound the same), have drawn focus yet again to the age-old tradition of gossip, slander, and salacious accusations. let the games begin!
i know it's been said by others with more grand platforms than my own, but this year has seen some real "doozies" when it comes to lies and cover ups. in fact, as i researched the subject (sitting on the couch and thinking real hard), i came up with a top ten list of lies in the year 2009.
here, in no particular order, are the top ten lies of 2009:
1. tiger woods
being the most fresh of the bunch, we'll start here. this story is far from over because tiger is still lying. while he doesn't owe us, the public, anything, his continued refusal to address the issue in a forthright manner guarantees that the intrigue and skepticism will continue. the problem that tiger currently faces is the apparent life of lies that he has perpetuated. you couldn't pay me enough to be famous. because of the pressure put on somebody of tiger's stature by himself and others, his dominance on the golf course pales in comparison to the pressure in his daily life. sinking a 40-foot putt on the 18th green to win the masters is a cakewalk compared to having to be perfect in the eyes of the world. it's not fair, but it is the reality, especially when your name is tiger.
2. alex rodriguez
a-rod has to be sitting back in his hot tub and having a good laugh with k-hud. "hey kate, how 'bout tiger? man, i thought i was going down as the most tormented athlete of the year, but now, i'm off the hook..." to which kate hudson replies, "i'm just glad that you're not going to try and off yourself now when i dump you like my ex with the funny nose did last year..." (too soon? never?)
but seriously, does anybody even remember what it felt like when serena roberts announced that she was going to expose a-rod as a steroid-user? of course, nobody was shocked, but i can vaguely remember denial, followed by weepy interviews and half-confessions on 60 minutes and with peter gammons.
nobody remembers because it happened more than 14 minutes ago, and the yankees won the world series and alex had a couple of hits during some big games.
nobody remembers it because a couple of weeks later it happened again with manny and big papi.
nobody remembers it because baseball is forever soiled and the only way anybody can be a baseball fan is to be either naive/ignorant or really old and cranky.
tiger had to call a-rod within the past week, right? just to ask for advice or to hear alex say that everything's going to be alright?
3. david letterman
letterman told some jokes and seemed to gain more fans as a result of his exposed lies. "hey, everybody, let's make fun of marriage and glorify infidelity..." in reality, of everybody on this list, letterman made out with the least amount of dirt on his hands. laughter and honesty are powerful allies.
4. balloon boy
does it count as a lie if nobody believed it for more than 30 seconds?
5. john and kate
actually, give john and kate some credit. in an effort to annihilate the reputation of each other, and to grab as many dollars left on the table, both have seemed to be pretty forthright and honest in the aftermath of their bitter separation. of course, the affairs, the stealing of money from joint bank accounts, and accusations of poor parenting practices all put on parade for the public to consume, doesn't seem like the best of ideas.
6. octomom
i don't really know what this woman did that made so many people mad, but at some point she had to be lying to someone. the real tragedy is that the moniker "octomom" became a commonly-accepted phrase used in everyday conversation.
7. rick pitino
having sex with a woman in the back room of a restaurant is probably not a good idea, even if it is "consensual." paying the same woman thousands of dollars for an abortion and her silence about the matter is probably a worse idea. the amazing thing about this is how pitino was able to carry this lie around for six years. telling lies is like digging a hole. once you start with one lie, you are forever required to keep a shovel on you at all times to keep digging the hole. pitino found himself at the bottom of a hole that was six years deep, and only through confession and repentance can he climb his way out.
8. global warming
when my father-in-law told me about this last week i figured he had watched too much fox news again.
but climate-gate seems to be real. or maybe it's not. i don't know. what i do know, is that i'm completely over every scandal/lie being called something-gate. why is our society fixated on calling events or stories stupid names? do yourself a favor and peruse this wikipedia list for a few minutes.
as a whole, humanity is really stupid and lacking creativity and cleverness.
9. michael jackson
while MJ had a lot of skeletons in his closet that most likely lead to the increased amounts of drugs in his system to dull the pain of his transgressions, ultimately leading to his untimely death (see kids, lying kills), the lie i'm referring to is the lie that we, the people bought into following his death.
micheal jackson was a transcendent and phenomenally influential and talented pop artist. his music is out-freakin'-standing and the cultural impact of his life is a legacy unmatched by any other.
with thousands of cameras and millions of people chattering about his death, does anybody find it interesting that nobody was talking about what a creep he was? MJ was phenomenal... 20 years ago. but the last 20 years of his life have been completely disturbing and appalling. where was the honesty in talking about what a deranged person he was? just because he died, the collective whole of society decided to disregard the fact that he was a child molester.
10. brett favre
the list wouldn't be complete without the biggest liar of them all. it's getting really hard to continue my crusade against brett favre these days. kevin and i are the only ones still on this hate-wagon, and i'm finding it hard to justify my continued displeasure with the man based on what he is doing week after week on the football field.
but let's not forget how we got here and what favre did when he held america hostage year after year with his constant flip-flopping. brett favre lied when he said that he was done. he's done it before, but this time it was too much. in a perfect world, his arm would have fallen off by now and he would be out of the league and humiliated. but karma isn't real, so he gets to enjoy the success that comes from lying, back-stabbing and cheating? (40 year-olds don't play football this well. favre is on steroids. there i said it. i have no proof, but i have no doubt in my mind about it. would you be surprised in the least if he tested positive for steroids? of course you wouldn't because it makes simple sense).
in my new years resolutions post at the beginning of this year, i resolved to forgive brett favre, "if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be."
thanks for ruining my year, brett favre.
wrapping it up (like a christmas present)
i wrote the other day on my facebook that, 'i continue to be surprised just how surprised all of us are when a celebrity commits "transgressions.'" the reality is that we all lie. while that doesn't make it right, it makes it predictable. when i first realized that tiger was lying about what his wife was doing with that golf club, i thought that he was lying to protect his wife's reputation and i understood that. but then the reality set in that tiger's protection of his wife's "honor" was really a desperate attempt to protect his own reputation.
lying is all about a fear of man. we lie because we don't want people to think less of us. when we were kids, we lied so we wouldn't get spanked. as adults, we lie so that we won't be rejected, so we won't be judged, so we won't disappoint. we lie because it's easier to ask for an apology than it is to ask for permission. we lie because we think we are better than others and we don't want them to know that we really aren't. we lie to ourselves because we don't want to feel guilt, sorrow and shame.
it's my occupation to be lied to. i spend a majority of every week being lied to. kids lie to me about how much trouble they get into at home and school. teachers lie to me about all they are doing to make sure my clients are getting appropriate education. parents lie about how much time they spend with their kids and how they discipline their kids when they screw up.
you would think that i would be better at picking out a liar, but in all honesty, i'm terrible at it. i continue to be be disappointed and shocked by most lies because i continue to be oblivious to the crooked nature of my fellow humans. we're bent toward lies because we're programmed for survival, and survival today means being well-liked and happy.
all jokes aside, will 2009 go down as "the year of the lie?" can society as a whole agree to get all our lies out of the system withing the rest of the month so '10 can be a year of honesty? of course not. i'm lying to myself if i think for a minute that you and i are going to stop lying to one another, and that's pretty rotten.
Monday, November 16, 2009
mentor of men
by all accounts, tony dungy is a wonderful man. for those of you who don't know (heidi?), dungy is the former NFL coach, who now works part time as a studio analyst, and is the most respected man in the world.
when michael vick began to position himself for a comeback to football following the murder of some dogs and time in the big house, his association with dungy as his "mentor" was spoken of relentlessly as the key to his reinstatement.
after legarrette blount punched a guy from idaho in the jaw after the first game of the college football season, it looked like his season, and perhaps even career was in jeopardy. originally suspended for the year, blount is now returning to play. why has he been reinstated? tony dungy is his mentor.
i don't know what dungy does with his days, but i believe he wakes up each morning, grabs the paper from the doorstep, and searches for stories of troubled athletes that he can save from destruction.
when walking his dog, tony dungy stops and helps little children retrieve their stranded cats from sprawling trees.
the last time anything negative was spoken about tony dungy, he was 4 months old and had just pooped in his diaper.
mother theresa wasn't this respected (too far?)
maybe agents and coaches call him and ask for his services. more likely, he calls them up himself and says something along the lines of, "hi, this is tony dungy. i'd like to save you from yourself and change your life. is that something you would be interested in?"
i respect tony dungy. i respect the interest and investment dungy makes in the lives of young men who have lost their ways. tony dungy has a vibrant faith in God and humanity that seems to propel him toward helping others. in reality, it's what more men and women should be doing. i might not have the influence and leverage of a man like tony dungy, but i have countless opportunities to speak into and encourage other people every day. there's a word for what dungy is doing, it's called discipleship. Jesus Christ, if you remember, was a big advocate of this type of behavior.
if you're waiting for me to make fun of dungy (my usual approach to writing a blog), don't worry, i'm not going to. if you think that i'm going to get sentimental/political/sociological/provocative/etc., i'm not going to do that either.
what i am going to do is offer my services of mentor-ship for the legions of readers who have come to depend on me for guidance and assistance.
when i was a young lad (ages 19-22) a pastor named chuck took me under his wing and taught me all sorts of stuff. he taught me about the bible and theology. he taught me how to play guitar. he taught me how to care for people, and to listen and to be patient and persevere with people, even when they disappoint and often disparage you.
i may not be as wise and wonderful as these men, but i am qualified to coach you on how to be manly.
having recently devoted more than a full day's worth of time watching mad men, i can't stop thinking about don draper. draper is a man's man. draper could wear a skirt and he would still be the man. i have a hard time watching mad men with my wife because i'm afraid that heidi will discover the thoughts that are going through my head when he is on screen.
if the world was going to be blown up and we could only save one person han solo-style in some sort of cryogenic freeze chamber, i vote for don draper's legacy to live on as an indestructible landmark of awesomeness.
i'm no tony dungy, and i'm not don draper. i would modestly assert that i am the perfect combination of the two. here's what i have to offer:
manliness.
the rubric for what makes one man more manly than another is a highly contested discussion that is still taking shape. the basic premise is a scoring system of positive and negative points awarded for excellence or failure in various areas. some examples include:
- outdoorsmanship and survival skills.
- the ability to eat large quantities of food.
- strength/athletic ability.
- success in relationships with the opposite sex.
- the ability to grow facial hair.
- owning and wearing flannel shirts.
- vehicle and home maintenance capabilities.
- useless sports trivia knowledge.
- mastery of fire (i.e. grilling and fire-building).
- physical appearance
some of you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, this list is unfair. i can't grow a beard, i'm already bald, and i can only do 5 push ups. how can i possibly become more manly?"
you may not be able to grow a beard, but i would be willing to bet that with four months worth of patience you could pull off a pretty sweet 'stache.
you might not be able to throw a baseball over 70 mph, but you can buy a ticket to a baseball game and learn the names of every mvp winner since '89. there's hope for you still.
also, if you sign up for my proven mentoring program, i will teach you other invaluable skills that will make you the envy of every friend, the life of every party, and the apple of her eye.
in 30 days or less, i promise that i can teach you how to:
- bet the weekly nfl lines against your friend and win with staggering consistency to the point that said friend will be begging for mercy.
- reach for things on the top shelf that other people can't reach (that's right - i can make you taller).
- wear the clothes that you have owned for years that will never get worn out.
- be loved by old people and kids alike.
- root for professional sports teams in different cities in preparation for any move that you may have to make.
- replace the clutch in your 1993 chevy s-10 pickup.
- train a dog how to carry three balls in his mouth at once.
- give a proper hi-five.
- do the dishes.
- drink cheap beer and actually enjoy it.
- eat at least one more of any given food item than any of your friends (juggernaut excluded)
you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, can you really take the time to make me more manly?
i'll make time, because i was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, i
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
being a mentor isn't as much about me as it as about you. i believe i was placed on this earth to have a protege just like you.
i hear people say all the time that they would like to make a change in their life... that they would like to make a difference... but it's just too hard.
sure, it may be "hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull" but i can help you with that.
sign up today, stop making excuses.
i'm offering a free trial membership for all of my readers. just enter the promo code "justin is the man" in the comment box below and begin to enjoy the countless benefits of living the life of a real man.
*offer not valid in texas. other restrictions apply.
when michael vick began to position himself for a comeback to football following the murder of some dogs and time in the big house, his association with dungy as his "mentor" was spoken of relentlessly as the key to his reinstatement.
after legarrette blount punched a guy from idaho in the jaw after the first game of the college football season, it looked like his season, and perhaps even career was in jeopardy. originally suspended for the year, blount is now returning to play. why has he been reinstated? tony dungy is his mentor.
i don't know what dungy does with his days, but i believe he wakes up each morning, grabs the paper from the doorstep, and searches for stories of troubled athletes that he can save from destruction.
when walking his dog, tony dungy stops and helps little children retrieve their stranded cats from sprawling trees.
the last time anything negative was spoken about tony dungy, he was 4 months old and had just pooped in his diaper.
mother theresa wasn't this respected (too far?)
maybe agents and coaches call him and ask for his services. more likely, he calls them up himself and says something along the lines of, "hi, this is tony dungy. i'd like to save you from yourself and change your life. is that something you would be interested in?"
i respect tony dungy. i respect the interest and investment dungy makes in the lives of young men who have lost their ways. tony dungy has a vibrant faith in God and humanity that seems to propel him toward helping others. in reality, it's what more men and women should be doing. i might not have the influence and leverage of a man like tony dungy, but i have countless opportunities to speak into and encourage other people every day. there's a word for what dungy is doing, it's called discipleship. Jesus Christ, if you remember, was a big advocate of this type of behavior.
if you're waiting for me to make fun of dungy (my usual approach to writing a blog), don't worry, i'm not going to. if you think that i'm going to get sentimental/political/sociological/provocative/etc., i'm not going to do that either.
what i am going to do is offer my services of mentor-ship for the legions of readers who have come to depend on me for guidance and assistance.
when i was a young lad (ages 19-22) a pastor named chuck took me under his wing and taught me all sorts of stuff. he taught me about the bible and theology. he taught me how to play guitar. he taught me how to care for people, and to listen and to be patient and persevere with people, even when they disappoint and often disparage you.
i may not be as wise and wonderful as these men, but i am qualified to coach you on how to be manly.
having recently devoted more than a full day's worth of time watching mad men, i can't stop thinking about don draper. draper is a man's man. draper could wear a skirt and he would still be the man. i have a hard time watching mad men with my wife because i'm afraid that heidi will discover the thoughts that are going through my head when he is on screen.
if the world was going to be blown up and we could only save one person han solo-style in some sort of cryogenic freeze chamber, i vote for don draper's legacy to live on as an indestructible landmark of awesomeness.
i'm no tony dungy, and i'm not don draper. i would modestly assert that i am the perfect combination of the two. here's what i have to offer:
manliness.
the rubric for what makes one man more manly than another is a highly contested discussion that is still taking shape. the basic premise is a scoring system of positive and negative points awarded for excellence or failure in various areas. some examples include:
- outdoorsmanship and survival skills.
- the ability to eat large quantities of food.
- strength/athletic ability.
- success in relationships with the opposite sex.
- the ability to grow facial hair.
- owning and wearing flannel shirts.
- vehicle and home maintenance capabilities.
- useless sports trivia knowledge.
- mastery of fire (i.e. grilling and fire-building).
- physical appearance
some of you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, this list is unfair. i can't grow a beard, i'm already bald, and i can only do 5 push ups. how can i possibly become more manly?"
you may not be able to grow a beard, but i would be willing to bet that with four months worth of patience you could pull off a pretty sweet 'stache.
you might not be able to throw a baseball over 70 mph, but you can buy a ticket to a baseball game and learn the names of every mvp winner since '89. there's hope for you still.
also, if you sign up for my proven mentoring program, i will teach you other invaluable skills that will make you the envy of every friend, the life of every party, and the apple of her eye.
in 30 days or less, i promise that i can teach you how to:
- bet the weekly nfl lines against your friend and win with staggering consistency to the point that said friend will be begging for mercy.
- reach for things on the top shelf that other people can't reach (that's right - i can make you taller).
- wear the clothes that you have owned for years that will never get worn out.
- be loved by old people and kids alike.
- root for professional sports teams in different cities in preparation for any move that you may have to make.
- replace the clutch in your 1993 chevy s-10 pickup.
- train a dog how to carry three balls in his mouth at once.
- give a proper hi-five.
- do the dishes.
- drink cheap beer and actually enjoy it.
- eat at least one more of any given food item than any of your friends (juggernaut excluded)
you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, can you really take the time to make me more manly?
i'll make time, because i was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, i
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
being a mentor isn't as much about me as it as about you. i believe i was placed on this earth to have a protege just like you.
i hear people say all the time that they would like to make a change in their life... that they would like to make a difference... but it's just too hard.
sure, it may be "hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull" but i can help you with that.
sign up today, stop making excuses.
i'm offering a free trial membership for all of my readers. just enter the promo code "justin is the man" in the comment box below and begin to enjoy the countless benefits of living the life of a real man.
*offer not valid in texas. other restrictions apply.
Friday, November 6, 2009
headlines!
i don't follow the news. go ahead and judge me, but i just don't. i'm not worldy and i'm not educated... whatever. ESPN is the only reliable source of news that i ever check, and that isn't exactly comprehensive coverage. on Friday, November 06, the following headlines were posted on google news:
Menino urges Congress to pass health care overhaul
i hear a lot of talk about the health care system. i have health care provided from my employer and i have never used it. the problem is that too many people get sick and think that a doctor can do anything about it. my friend pete drinks apple cider vinegar and eats a banana every day and is stronger than an ox. my friend kevin hasn't thrown up in more than decade and a half. the health care system overhaul is simple: don't get sick.
CDC says us making progress on swine flu vaccine
on a related note, i'm not getting the vaccine. i will sacrifice my health for the inmates who need the shot. i haven't gotten a flu shot since i was in elementary school. i don't get the flu (and i'm not going to knock on wood to protect that statement).
can someone tell me why we can't come to a settlement on whether to call this flu "H1N1" or "swine flu?" just pick a label and stick with it.
NJ jurors convict Fla. man in 'fat defense' trial
here's the synopsis of the story:
HACKENSACK, NJ - A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man's defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway.
i walked up a couple flights of stairs today at a school and i got a little winded. since i am in peak physical condition, i can buy the defense of an obese man that he would not be able to pull off the "quick getaway."
$8000 homebuyers tax credit extended
this is good news for my friends kenny and shorty because they are the only responsible people i know who are in the market for a new house. i'm trying to read the fine print to figure out if i can get some cash for buying a doghouse for my dog, calvin. i plan on buying a house sometime around the year 2044. i'd like to, don't get me wrong, but i just don't see it in the immediate future.
Obama: 10.2 Percent Unemployment 'A Sobering Number'
10.2 percent is a sobering number if it's Blood Alcohol Content (or is that the opposite of sobering?)
wasn't obama supposed to fix all this by now?
War at Home: First Responders Describe Carnage at Fort Hood
i actually watched some of the coverage of this last night so i am at least semi-competent to discuss it (not really). the thing about the military is that it creates crazy. soldiers are subjected to horrors that you and i will never dream of. this is a tragedy. did you know that soldiers are dying every day for our country? you don't because nobody ever talks about it. we're desensitized to the daily casualties because it isn't happening next door. i'm guilty of it just as much as anybody, so i'm not throwing stones here. we just need to think about how we can support soldiers and their families better than we are.
Rihanna describes night of attack by Chris Brown
this story is just strange. i've never come close to even consider hitting heidi. i don't know how this happens.
Wanda Sykes promises to pull no punches on new show
why? i can guarantee that under no circumstance will i ever watch this show. t
Tapitsfly wins Breeders' Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf
we went to the track to bet on the ponies a few weekends ago and it was a riot. good times. my betting strategy consisted of picking the first name that stood out to me, and then making sure it was a long shot so my $2 would at least turn in to $14 or more. needless to day i did not walk away a winner that night.
New Mexico suspends hair-pulling soccer player
i need to start watching women's sports. this lambert girl is out of control. the guy from florida was gouging eyes out in a game last weekend, and now this girl from new mexico is forearm-checking and pulling hair. what is wrong with people?
Berlin Prepares for Celebrations 20 Years After Fall of Wall
while playing cranium against our significant others the other night, pete acted out the berlin wall charades-style and i guessed it right. i believe his acting consisted of standing, peering and holding his arms straight out from his torso. great moment.
Honduras leadership in limbo as accord dissolves
i know nothing about foreign affairs. i think the use of "limbo" in this title is inflammatory and derogatory. tomorrow's headline will probably make reference to pinatas and refried beans. you should be above this, Associated Press.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, are you headlines for Friday, November 06, 2009. glad i could provide you with invaluable information that will undoubtedly serve to help you lead a more sophisticated and pompous life.
Menino urges Congress to pass health care overhaul
i hear a lot of talk about the health care system. i have health care provided from my employer and i have never used it. the problem is that too many people get sick and think that a doctor can do anything about it. my friend pete drinks apple cider vinegar and eats a banana every day and is stronger than an ox. my friend kevin hasn't thrown up in more than decade and a half. the health care system overhaul is simple: don't get sick.
CDC says us making progress on swine flu vaccine
on a related note, i'm not getting the vaccine. i will sacrifice my health for the inmates who need the shot. i haven't gotten a flu shot since i was in elementary school. i don't get the flu (and i'm not going to knock on wood to protect that statement).
can someone tell me why we can't come to a settlement on whether to call this flu "H1N1" or "swine flu?" just pick a label and stick with it.
NJ jurors convict Fla. man in 'fat defense' trial
here's the synopsis of the story:
HACKENSACK, NJ - A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man's defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway.
i walked up a couple flights of stairs today at a school and i got a little winded. since i am in peak physical condition, i can buy the defense of an obese man that he would not be able to pull off the "quick getaway."
$8000 homebuyers tax credit extended
this is good news for my friends kenny and shorty because they are the only responsible people i know who are in the market for a new house. i'm trying to read the fine print to figure out if i can get some cash for buying a doghouse for my dog, calvin. i plan on buying a house sometime around the year 2044. i'd like to, don't get me wrong, but i just don't see it in the immediate future.
Obama: 10.2 Percent Unemployment 'A Sobering Number'
10.2 percent is a sobering number if it's Blood Alcohol Content (or is that the opposite of sobering?)
wasn't obama supposed to fix all this by now?
War at Home: First Responders Describe Carnage at Fort Hood
i actually watched some of the coverage of this last night so i am at least semi-competent to discuss it (not really). the thing about the military is that it creates crazy. soldiers are subjected to horrors that you and i will never dream of. this is a tragedy. did you know that soldiers are dying every day for our country? you don't because nobody ever talks about it. we're desensitized to the daily casualties because it isn't happening next door. i'm guilty of it just as much as anybody, so i'm not throwing stones here. we just need to think about how we can support soldiers and their families better than we are.
Rihanna describes night of attack by Chris Brown
this story is just strange. i've never come close to even consider hitting heidi. i don't know how this happens.
Wanda Sykes promises to pull no punches on new show
why? i can guarantee that under no circumstance will i ever watch this show. t
Tapitsfly wins Breeders' Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf
we went to the track to bet on the ponies a few weekends ago and it was a riot. good times. my betting strategy consisted of picking the first name that stood out to me, and then making sure it was a long shot so my $2 would at least turn in to $14 or more. needless to day i did not walk away a winner that night.
New Mexico suspends hair-pulling soccer player
i need to start watching women's sports. this lambert girl is out of control. the guy from florida was gouging eyes out in a game last weekend, and now this girl from new mexico is forearm-checking and pulling hair. what is wrong with people?
Berlin Prepares for Celebrations 20 Years After Fall of Wall
while playing cranium against our significant others the other night, pete acted out the berlin wall charades-style and i guessed it right. i believe his acting consisted of standing, peering and holding his arms straight out from his torso. great moment.
Honduras leadership in limbo as accord dissolves
i know nothing about foreign affairs. i think the use of "limbo" in this title is inflammatory and derogatory. tomorrow's headline will probably make reference to pinatas and refried beans. you should be above this, Associated Press.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, are you headlines for Friday, November 06, 2009. glad i could provide you with invaluable information that will undoubtedly serve to help you lead a more sophisticated and pompous life.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
stuff other people like that i don't
*** note to reader: my internet pooped out as i went to publish this and i lost at least half of what was written. i'm not saying that you're missing much, but know that there was more, and i was too pissed to re-think and type it out again. i was also too lazy to edit for mistakes, so you're going to have to put up with that as well. enjoy.
had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.
i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.
STAR WARS
don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.
NASCAR
i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.
COMIC BOOKS
somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.
BIKES
i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).
DESSERT
i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.
BRETT FAVRE
forget it. let's just move on.
CATS
cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.
IN CONCLUSION,
i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.
the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.
had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.
i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.
STAR WARS
don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.
NASCAR
i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.
COMIC BOOKS
somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.
BIKES
i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).
DESSERT
i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.
BRETT FAVRE
forget it. let's just move on.
CATS
cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.
IN CONCLUSION,
i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.
the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.
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