The following is a real conversation between two real men that took place entirely via text message. It took place on Saturday morning. This is a precise and exact word-for-word account of what happened:
Justin: Karate kid on vh1! Doing 222 for my point total this weekend
(Kevin and I have been betting NFL point spreads all season long. For the playoffs, since there are fewer games in which we could disagree on, we each pick a ‘total points scored for the whole weekend’ number as a tie-breaker, if it comes to that.)
Kevin: I literally got up to text you about karate kid. Wow. One of the top five re-watchable movies eve. I’m doing 191. 222 is so high.
(While Kevin is right, 222 is a lot of points to be scored in four games, I would like to point out, that at this point in the season, he owes me $35, because I beat him almost every week. He doesn’t have much room to talk.)
Justin: I got burned last week, so I am overcompensating.
Kevin: Daniel could never get a girl like Elisabeth Shue. Let’s be honest now.
Justin: That’s where you’re wrong. She was tired of those so-cal boys who just wanted her for her body. Daniel treated her right.
Kevin: Hahaha. Alli’s a grown up girl. Matured and developed. I’d be surprised if Daniel even has hair on his balls.
Justin: That was hilarious. Best of the day. You won’t top it so don’t try.
Kevin: I love discussing movies from 1984
Justin: Nothing beats watching this shit. Its preserved forever in history as a capsule of a wonderful time.
Kevin: I already work around the clock!!
Justin: “I don’t know what she sees in him.” “she must be into fungus.”
(This was dialogue between two of Alli’s friends, in reference to how she could possibly be into Daniel. It really is the greatest mystery of the whole movie. There is not an explanation that makes sense. Absolutely remarkable.)
Kevin: I have a 1984 crush on her. Daniel’s such a wuss.
Justin: How could you not? What the hell was Daniel thinking there? Poor decision making skills.
Kevin: The water thing? He can’t outrun those guys. They’re prime physical specimens.
Justin: Whose jersey is that he is wearing?
Kevin: Antonio Gates. Duh…
(This is funny because Antonio Gates is the current tight end for the San Diego Chargers who wears number 84, and Daniel is wearing a #84 San Diego Chargers jersey, but it’s 1984. good job by Kevin here.)
Justin: if Johnny lands that kick, Daniel is dead and this whole movie takes a dramatic turn.
Kevin: Hahaha! I think I need to save this conversation.
Justin: I know. I am laughing hysterically to myself this whole time. well done.
(At this point, I started the process of recording the conversation on the computer before my cell phone required me to erase the text messages.)
Kevin: If Daniel dies, do alli and mr. Miyagi join forces, train together, and secretly pick off each cobra kai member one by one in a murderous rampage.
Justin: Isn’t that the plot of ‘the next karate kid?’
Kevin: With hillary swank! Before she was a boy. Or was she a boy in that movie? Does hillary swank even have genitals?
Justin: “you got some nerve old man… I like that”
Kevin: Ahh the scene where we get to see miyagi’s house and wonder how the hell he affords such a posh pad.
Justin: How long do you think you would have played miyagi’s game of free manual labor? I feel like you wouldn’t even make it til lunch
Kevin: You saying you would’ve? I probably would’ve stuck with it for awhile. He’s a sage. I recognize that.
Justin: I would have never started because I listened to my mother when she said, don’t talk to strangers.
Kevin: Well daniel’s mother doesn’t seem too concerned with his safety. Or that he’s repeatedly getting his ass kicked. All she’s concerned with is getting that hunk of shit car started. Bad parenting.
Justin: We should get sweet bandanas and wear them when I move up there.
Kevin: Ralph maccio was 23 years old when the movie was made. That’s crazy.
Justin: And yet youre (my bad – it’s your, not you’re) comment about hair on his balls probably still applies
Kevin: more than likely.
Justin: that guy on the mcdonalds commercial kills me. ‘talk to me.’
(The commercial I am referring to is the one where the guy tells everybody who tries to have a conversation with him, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Even when the employee at the restaurant he goes to attempts to take his order, he rudely responds, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Once he finds out what she has to offer (coffee), he changes his tune and says, “Talk to me,” with a smirk on his face that makes me want to slap him with a dead salmon.)
(And don’t get me started on the Big Mac snack wrap.)
(Or Luke Wilson on the AT&T commercials every 2.5 minutes.)
Kevin: I feel like I should be starting my day. The motivation’s just not there.
Justin: what would Daniel son do?
Kevin: get in a bike wreck.
Justin: Daniel’s abnormally small nipples disturb me.
Kevin: Haha. Short shorts alli’s too hot.
Justin: Is miyagi drunk in that boat scene? Or just jovial?
Kevin: Jovial. The awkward drunk scene is coming up.
Kevin: Johnny’s hair is amazing.
Justin: I was just texting you the same thing! Get out of my head!
(Kevin and I have been accused of sharing the same brain on several occasions. It’s not true, we actually are very different, but it’s creepy how many times we are thinking the same exact thing.)
Justin: I would like to think that I would not have joined in the laughter at Daniel’s spaghetti incident, but most likely I would.
Kevin: You’re a bad person. How he got it all over him, head to toe, is beyond me. It’s everywhere. A full white outfit may have been a bad choice.
Justin: You have to dress in anticipation of something like that happening. Again, poor decision making shown by larusso
Kevin: his poor decision making fuels this movie. What a fuckup.
Justin: You can’t change your dirty clothes before making a visit to your mentor? Get it together, dan
Kevin: How would miyagi feel about Daniel rifling through all his stuff? What an asshole.
Justin: Why is the crane kick indefensible if done right? Seems pretty silly.
Kevin: great montage
Justin: Of course he picks the yellow car. But in all seriousness, what a sweet present from miyagi.
Kevin: Imdb tole me that Ralph maccio said, ‘forever my sensei’ at at morita’s funeral. Touching.
(Agreed. Very touching.)
Justin: you want me to drive?” “hey it’s the 80s, why not?”
Kevin: best line of the whole movie.
Justin: You’re the best, around!
(…Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down… What a great song.)
Kevin: God, this sequence is fantastic. Best movie montage ever?
Justin: can’t think of anything better. Rollerblade race down devil’s backbone in airborne? Nah.
Kevin: I’ve never even seen that movie. I suck.
Justin: And you call yourself a westsider. I’m more Westside than you.
(Some clarification for my non-Cincinnati audience: Devil’s Backbone is the name of the street that the final race scene is set on in the fantastic movie, Airborne. Airborne is set in Cincinnati. I used to watch this movie all the time when I lived in California, and think that Cincinnati seemed like a terrible place, but that’s another story. In the movie, Devil’s Backbone is portrayed as some strange hill in the middle of Downtown, but in reality it is the name of a road on the West Side of Cincinnati. This is important. In Cincinnati, which side of the City you grew up on is of the utmost importance. People from the East Side of town look down on the West Side and accuse them of being trashy. West Siders think the East Siders are snobs and way too full of themselves. I could write a whole blog about how fascinating this aversion to the opposite side of town is.
The point of my comment to Kevin, “I’m more Westside than you,” is an easy attack on his pride. I work on the West Side, and was only originally accepted into Kevin’s group of friends (a bunch of West Siders) because I, A) liked Seinfeld, and B) knew all about the streets, stores, restaurants, and people of the West Side. This gives my friends a great deal of pride. It’s like I have been adopted in as a West-Sider, without having been born and grown up there.
I thought that Kevin would be furious by my questioning of his “West Side-ness” but the movie was reaching climax too fast and he did not respond.)
Justin: Did the cobra kai sensei believe Johnny could not take Daniel? Or is he just ruthlessly evil?
Kevin: so dramatic when he claps his hands together. The music starts, the intensity rises.
Kevin: the line sweep the leg, Johnny, is never actually in the movie.
Justin: most intense moment in cinematic history
Kevin: the crane kick is illegal.
Justin: “you’re alright, larusso.” That would never happen.
Kevin: Never happen.
Kevin: Well, Justin. We successfully watched the entire thing. You better believe this conversation is going online.
Justin: I already started the transcription. It will be posted as a blog by the end of the day.
Kevin: Really? Well, I’m posting on mine too. Probably with a different intro.
(And there you have it.)
3 comments:
This is the most amazing thing ever. We are both hilarious and fantastic.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that we both messed up the jersey number. I though it was #85 (not #84), which is actually Antonio Gates' number. Daniel's actually wearing #89. A big deal? Nope. But I still felt the need to clarify.
My favorite line of the movie is, and will forever be by the tournament MC when he asks Daniel "how's the leg son?" Davis is not here to issue his favorite line, so I'll issue it for him - it's when Daniel and Miyagi go to the beach and the drunk guy has his bottle on Miyagi's truck. Miyagi asks he kindly remove the bottle, and the man says "kindly remove it yourself, Mr. Moto."
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