under pressure

since this blog is titled 'this is jeopardy' in reference to my favorite television program, i share this simple caveat (there you go, kevin) - last night i saw something i have never seen before: it's TOC (tournament of champions for you non-jeopardians, aka simpletons/morons) and last night two people tied for the lead. do you know what happens when there is a tie on jeopardy TOC? that's right - sudden death. one clue. first to ring in takes all. that's pretty bad-ass. that's what i call pressure.

speaking of pressure (i love segues), i don't do well under it (pressure, that is). i went camping this weekend with the lady and some friends. you know what happened even if you weren't there - cheap beers, grilled food, swimming, all-around silliness. cornhole was played in excess (for you west coast readers, cornhole is like horseshoes - but played with beanbags and a wooden board with a large hole in it). now i'm pretty good at cornhole. it is widely accepted that i have the best form/technique, and i get the bag on the board at a relatively high frequency. but here's what happens every time - i come up short on my final throw when it really matters. do you know how frustrating this is? i collapse under pressure.

so here it is. my list of shame. the moments of my life under pressure (in chronological order)

pinewood derby: i was a boyscout. every year this pinewood derby took place. each scout would get a kit and make a little car that would roll down a large wooden slope. this particular year my dad and i went to great lengths to make a superior car. we drilled holes in the front of the frame and inserted fishing weights to make the car heavier, and thus faster down the hill. when the time came for me to set the wheels in motion, i hesitated and lost out to chris kelly and his inferior car. second place.

spelling bee: i used to be a very good speller. spell check and general laziness over the years has dramatically corroded these skills. but during my fifth grade year i was a finalist in the eel river valley spelling bee. the top prize - a gift certificate to Kmart, county-wide acclaim and a date with my choice of any of the female contestants. the word i was required to spell - "ubiquitous." come on. this isn't even fair.

freshman girls: i came from a very small elementary school. 100 kids, grades K-8. when i went to high school the female options became much more enticing. i had a different look and a different style back in those days, but that's another story. during the first few weeks of school, while learning to open my locker and still carrying around grocery bag-covered text books, i found myself the object of affection of four different girls. each girl had something different to offer. one was really hot. one was super nice and easy to talk to on the phone. one was a year older and was weeks from getting her driver's license. the last was something else i can't remember. i danced around for weeks. talking to each girl in between classes and at night on the phone. i agonized over which girl i would chose to date. i couldn't make a decision. so the decision was made for me. two of the girls found out about my polygamous methods and immediately rejected me. the other two found out shortly after and i was left alone. back to throwing pennies into a cup behind the science building with my jackass friends during lunch.

senior talent show: me and some friends were all set to perform a rousing rendition of cake's rousing rendetion of "i will survive." i listened to, and sang along with a lot of cake in those days so i was all set to sing the lead. the night before the first night of this prestigious event, i backed out. i couldn't do it. i'm not a singer. i ended up playing the kazoo in lieu of the trumpet part, simply because my friends felt like i should do something.

the great apartment fire: while living in orange county i was sharing a two bedroom apartment with three other guys. OJ (other josh) was out of town that night, and when the rain started to come down heavy (it does rain in southern california, i promise) OJ's window was left open to allow the water to run down the wall, and collide with the elecrical outlet tucked behind his empty bed. the bed caught on fire. brent came running into josh and my room and pronounced, "there's a fire." in my boxer briefs and sleep-induced stupor, i ran outside and began to dip a plastic dixie cup into the standing water in attempt to throw water into the open window and put out the fire. with water up to my ankles and a heavy heart, i realized that day that i would never fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a fireman.

men's softball league: three or four years ago, while living in orange county, i played on a church softball team. it was a good time. me and a bunch of friends going out each friday night and playing some competitive softball. problem was, we were terrible. during one particularly memorable game, we were being pounded by the opposition. this was nothing out of the ordinary. but on this particular night, during the final inning, we made a comeback. i acutally batted twice that inning. roped an RBI double the first time up. but the second time up read like a bad 'no fear' shirt: bases loaded. bottom of the however-many-innings-there-are-in-a-softball-game. two outs. down by three. it may have been a full count, but probably not. i stepped into the batting box, waited for the pitch... slow dribbling grounder to the pitcher. game over.

marriage: heidi's dad offered to take me out to dinner that night. i knew it was a perfect chance to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. while eating a greasy burger from "longhorn steak house" i went over the question in my mind hundreds of times: "can i marry your daughter?" i think he sensed my fear and intrepidation and eventually put me out of my misery saying to me in a calm tone, "when are you going to marry heidi? you guys should get married. maybe this summer." granted, things worked out pretty well, but still.

cornhole: during last year's camping trip, billy and i were on a roll. kevin and shorty were struggling. kevin proclaims with his usual arrogant tone, that they will win the next three straight, and take the cornhole championship. like the yankees in the '04 ALCS, billy and i folded like a house of cards (don't really know what that means). again, i played pretty well, but when the game was there to be taken, i came up short.

conclusion: why am i like this? has my life been defined by the failures when faced with immense pressure? i can only blame my parents. they must have done something wrong. my dad should have been one of the asshole dads who yell at their kids and say things like "you gotta win state. i did. make your family proud." i guess i have nobody to blame but myself. the next opportunity that comes my way is going to be different. i will not come up short. i will get that beanbag on the board. i might even sink a cornhole to win the match.