lifetime.

have you ever watched the lifetime channel? it's not a habit by any means... but here i am on a saturday afternoon watching the second movie with a two-word title that tells you exactly what will happen in the movie. up first was "fatal desire." heidi was with me when we started this one. then she left. for some reason i continued to watch. here's the plot. some lonely housewife and mother of one likes to go on internet chat rooms and meats some pit boss from the jersey shore. they fall in love. she lies and tells him that she is pregnant with his kid and that her husband beats her and convinces this poor schmuck to kill her husband. once he gets wise to all of this, his only option is to kill himself.

couple of "highlights" about this one: 1) dude named his penis "george," because, "he's curious." that's a direct quote from the movie. 2) internet chatrooms. who goes to these? i have never been in an internet chatroom and i can see no circumstance in which i would ever do it. i don't even know where to find chatrooms. apparently though they are the "singles bar of the new millenium." 3) extramarrital affairs are never a good idea (i'm going to regrain from a long dirge about this one. just know that this is pretty simple and pretty obvious as far as i can see). 4) ann heche is a strange lady. i think she's confused about a lot of things, like why she ever agreed to do this movie.

up next on this double header is another winner - "ultimate deception" (what is it with these two-word titles that are so blatantly contrived? are people flipping through the tv guide and thinking to themselves, "illustrius contempt... that sounds good." who's watching this stuff... oh yeah, women).

i can't go through with this one. i contemplated a running diary. but i don't have the energy. yasmine bleeth... welcome back to the limelight. we missed you. so far this couple is trying to have a kid but they can't so they are talking about adoption. boring. where's the "ultimate?" where's the "deception?" i don't have the patience of the strength to go through with this.

i don't understand women at all. across this country there are thousands of women who watch this garbage all of the time. it's afterschool specials for the unhappy, middle age, soccer mom. the writers, producers and directors are getting together around big round tables and saying, "let's make this movie that will drive the bored and discontent women with too much time on their hands crazy. but let's make it moral and worthwhile." it's almost like, "you think your life is bad... don't try such and such a scenario to make it better." sure, things look good for awhile. but the dude is always some sleaze. the shit always hits the proverbial fan. someone ends up dead, and it all could have been avoided if the heroine just didn't get so carried away in her quest for a little extra excitement in her otherwise mundane life. and while you're at it ladies, make sure you eat some food. eating disorders are never as fun as they sound.

this just in. our little movie "ultimate deception" is about to get interesting. pretty sure the dude is about to steal a baby from some unsuspecting woman in a parking garage. he's not the perfect man that he was originally portrayed to be. i'm shocked. and why is he going to make this poor decision? what drives a man to kill the husband of some chick he met online? what makes a clean-cut coast guard steal another woman''s baby? women (heidi excluded, of course). they're trouble, man. find a good one and treat her really well. don't be a fool.

the pattern i am starting to notice here is that people get all caught up in something (usually a terrible romance. complete with soft light love scenes that show tussled hair and strange massaging of the back all to a synthesizer sound track that was recorded by a freshman music major at some middle of the road conservative college in omaha, nebraska). then someone gets desperate, jealous, possessive, angry, deceptive, compulsive, paranoid, etc. and everything falls apart. who are we supposed to feel sorry for in these stories. everyone is an idiot. i got no one to root for. earlier in the day i was watching rio bravo with john wayne, dean martin and ricky nelson. now here's a movie i can get behind. not one, but three people that i can pull for. it's brilliant (perhaps a "greatest westerns of all time" post is in order).

are we done here? that's enough already.