america, the beautiful

i'm watching the games of the 29th olympiad. mens basketball game between usa and spain. i arranged my schedule today to make sure that i would be watching this game. last night i jumped off the couch and shook my fist in the air when michael phelps touched a wall 1/100 of a second faster than some croatian. i am rooting for lebron james and kobe bryant. if you don't know me, these are guys i do not root for in my day to day life. i am pissed that some of these guys are considering signing with some european team for 50 million bucks.

what is happening here? am i becoming a patriotic american? do i love USA? or have i just caught a little case of "olympic fever?"

i, like all 20-somethings, have become somewhat cynical of my allegiance to this country. it's just the way we are (young, naive, arrogant, liberal). it's considered cool to hate america these days. everybody's always talking about universal healthcare, immigration reform, and change (yes we can!).i find it hard to believe that the commander in chief is the butt of every joke. i haven't talked to a single person in like 5 years who had something nice to say about the W. is this all his fault? did little georgie get carried away with his new toys and decide that starting a GIJOE war in iraq would be a fun little thing to do? is this where it all went wrong? obviously not.

this isn't an academic/sociological/political piece, but freedom of speech/the press is to blame here. used to be, when this country went to war (wwi and ii), good ol' fashion propaganda was put into play. people didn't form their own opinions, but their opinions were shown to them on a screen and they were told what to buy and what to believe. then the media had to start showing war footage (vietnam) and people didn't like what they saw. so people started making their own opinions and all of the sudden people were burning american flags, rather than waving them with pride. (didn't i say this wasn't an academic/sociological/political piece?)

well i've fallen prey to the trends. i talk shit on the usa. i play into it. i ridicule public displays of patriotism just like you do. which got me wandering: (back to the original point of this post) am i "anti-american?" or am i "proud to be an american... (where at least i know i'm free.)" it has to go beyond rooting interests in the olympics. if only there was some quiz i could take that could tell me if i was a good american...

THE GOOD AMERICAN QUIZ

1) My favorite food is:
a) hamburger and fries
b) pizza
c) mexican
d) any food from another country that i haven't been to but i insist i love because other people will think i'm cooler and more sophisticated because i like it (example: sushi, thai, vegan).
e) french

my answer: a) mexican
correct answer: a, b, or c. basically as long as you didn't answer "d" you are in pretty good shape. and e is wrong too because a good american takes every opportunity to rip on the french (i dont' really know why). you might be wondering why mexican is an acceptable answer. if you have ever been to southern california, you know why. mexican food is more american than mcdonalds and burger king. we may not want you to cross our borders, but if you can cook a good carne asada burrito, then we are willing to look the other way.

2. my favorite sport is:
a) basketball, football or baseball in any order
b) hockey
c) extreme sports
d) soccer
e) i don't like sports

my answer: a) baseball, football, basketball (in that order)
correct answer: (a) basketball, football and baseball
obviously, this is the only correct answer. hockey? this is an american quiz, not canadian or russian quiz. extreme sports? what is this, 1994? are we rollerblading on the boardwalk? soccer? again, this is america. not europe.

and if you answered e) "i don't like sports," then not only are you a poor american, but a poor human being. i feel sorry for you.

3) my favorite actor is:
a) bruce willis (based on die hard alone)
b) sean connery
c) nicolas cage
d) mel gibson
e) bill paxton/bill pullman (i don't know which one is which, but i love them both)

my answer: nick cage.
correct answer: this gets complicated. nick cage is the most correct answer. nick cage is america. if this is a problem for you, just watch windtalkers. captain coreieli's mandolin is another solid choice. you don't star in national treasure (1 and 2!) without becoming captain america (movie idea... nick cage as captain america. perfect). but you could answer bruce willis. i'm ok with that. mel gibson would work as well, especially with his anti-semitic sentiments. sean connery works here too because a good american loves the 007 bond series. and the two bills... sure why not. as long as you didn't answer: george clooney (that character is always making anti-america movies. who does he think he is?), any foreign actor other than connery, or a female, then give yourself credit for this one.

4) the vehicle i drive is:
a) made in america. there ain't no other way
b) a honda or toyota
c) i ride a bike because i am trying to save the earth from pollution and gas is too expensive.
d) large. guzzles gas and has way more seats and gadgets than i need.
e) cheap. nothing else matters.

my answer: a) american-made. chevrolet and subaru. 2 for 2.
correct answer: american made is obviously the correct answer, but a honda or toyota is correct too, because, let's face it, those cars are more american than american cars these days. bike riders are in the wrong because they dont' support the economy and don't contribute to global warming (which is an american cause). large and frivolous vehicle ownership is actually wrong as well, despite popular opinion. that's just stupid. answering "cheap" here also works, simply because that's a part of the american story... (or at least my story)

5) when i go to a bar, i usually order:
a) shots!
b) whatever american microbrew they have on tap or in a bottle
c) heineken or corona
d) pbr or miller high life
e) i don't go to bars and i don't drink.

my answer: b) or d). here's the process: i walk in. see what they have to offer in "good" beers, and look at the price. if the disparity between good beer and pbr/high life is greater than twice the cost of pbr/high life, then i order the cheap stuff. but if i can swing a couple extra bucks, then i go for something good. another approach is to start with something good, savor and enjoy it, and then move to the pbr/high life option, especially if it's going to be a longer night.

correct answer: my answer is right on this one. if you have the money, then "good american microbrew" is always the correct answer. shots! is a correct answer. this is the fastest and most sure-fire way to get messed up, and as an american citizen, it is your right to over-indulge and make a fool of yourself. heineken or corona is a wrong answer. these beers are terrible and over-priced. the only people who order these beers don't really know what they are doing. obviously choice "e" is wrong, but you knew that. (if you answer wine, and you are not my wife, then you are a fool. if you answer anything "light" then i am going to punch you in the gut the next time i see you in public and see how that "light" beer is working out for you)

6) TRUE or FALSE: apple pie is the best pie ever
obviously, this is true. any other answer is just ridiculous.

7) TRUE or FALSE: "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong is a great american song.
the correct "good american" answer here is TRUE, but i despise that song.

8) TRUE or FALSE: i want to travel the world.
FALSE. america has everything you could ever want. it's pointless to hop on a plane and fly several hours to go some place where you have to speak a different language, use a different form of money, and perhaps drive on the wrong side of the road. stay in north america. we got it all.

9) TRUE or FALSE: i watch multiple hours of television a day.
TRUE. how will you know what to buy if you aren't told by clever advertising? how will you develop your own unique identity if you don't have role models to follow on your favorite programs? what will you have to talk about with your friends if you don't watch sporting events?

10) TRUE or FALSE: i own a shirt from old navy (preferably one that features an american flag)

hold on. i gotta run to the florence mall.