with the annual tradition of "best of" lists popping up all over the place, it's time to become reflective and contemplative about the year that was and the year that is to come (note to readers, if i catch any of you referring to 2010 as '010, i swear that i will kick you in the throat with jean claude van dame-force. 2010 can be referred to as either "twenty ten," "two thousand ten" or "ten." that's it. not any of this"o-ten" crap. i've been hearing it lately, and it has to stop)
the latest events engulfing the golf community and beyond (get it: engulf and golf... they sound the same), have drawn focus yet again to the age-old tradition of gossip, slander, and salacious accusations. let the games begin!
i know it's been said by others with more grand platforms than my own, but this year has seen some real "doozies" when it comes to lies and cover ups. in fact, as i researched the subject (sitting on the couch and thinking real hard), i came up with a top ten list of lies in the year 2009.
here, in no particular order, are the top ten lies of 2009:
1. tiger woods
being the most fresh of the bunch, we'll start here. this story is far from over because tiger is still lying. while he doesn't owe us, the public, anything, his continued refusal to address the issue in a forthright manner guarantees that the intrigue and skepticism will continue. the problem that tiger currently faces is the apparent life of lies that he has perpetuated. you couldn't pay me enough to be famous. because of the pressure put on somebody of tiger's stature by himself and others, his dominance on the golf course pales in comparison to the pressure in his daily life. sinking a 40-foot putt on the 18th green to win the masters is a cakewalk compared to having to be perfect in the eyes of the world. it's not fair, but it is the reality, especially when your name is tiger.
2. alex rodriguez
a-rod has to be sitting back in his hot tub and having a good laugh with k-hud. "hey kate, how 'bout tiger? man, i thought i was going down as the most tormented athlete of the year, but now, i'm off the hook..." to which kate hudson replies, "i'm just glad that you're not going to try and off yourself now when i dump you like my ex with the funny nose did last year..." (too soon? never?)
but seriously, does anybody even remember what it felt like when serena roberts announced that she was going to expose a-rod as a steroid-user? of course, nobody was shocked, but i can vaguely remember denial, followed by weepy interviews and half-confessions on 60 minutes and with peter gammons.
nobody remembers because it happened more than 14 minutes ago, and the yankees won the world series and alex had a couple of hits during some big games.
nobody remembers it because a couple of weeks later it happened again with manny and big papi.
nobody remembers it because baseball is forever soiled and the only way anybody can be a baseball fan is to be either naive/ignorant or really old and cranky.
tiger had to call a-rod within the past week, right? just to ask for advice or to hear alex say that everything's going to be alright?
3. david letterman
letterman told some jokes and seemed to gain more fans as a result of his exposed lies. "hey, everybody, let's make fun of marriage and glorify infidelity..." in reality, of everybody on this list, letterman made out with the least amount of dirt on his hands. laughter and honesty are powerful allies.
4. balloon boy
does it count as a lie if nobody believed it for more than 30 seconds?
5. john and kate
actually, give john and kate some credit. in an effort to annihilate the reputation of each other, and to grab as many dollars left on the table, both have seemed to be pretty forthright and honest in the aftermath of their bitter separation. of course, the affairs, the stealing of money from joint bank accounts, and accusations of poor parenting practices all put on parade for the public to consume, doesn't seem like the best of ideas.
6. octomom
i don't really know what this woman did that made so many people mad, but at some point she had to be lying to someone. the real tragedy is that the moniker "octomom" became a commonly-accepted phrase used in everyday conversation.
7. rick pitino
having sex with a woman in the back room of a restaurant is probably not a good idea, even if it is "consensual." paying the same woman thousands of dollars for an abortion and her silence about the matter is probably a worse idea. the amazing thing about this is how pitino was able to carry this lie around for six years. telling lies is like digging a hole. once you start with one lie, you are forever required to keep a shovel on you at all times to keep digging the hole. pitino found himself at the bottom of a hole that was six years deep, and only through confession and repentance can he climb his way out.
8. global warming
when my father-in-law told me about this last week i figured he had watched too much fox news again.
but climate-gate seems to be real. or maybe it's not. i don't know. what i do know, is that i'm completely over every scandal/lie being called something-gate. why is our society fixated on calling events or stories stupid names? do yourself a favor and peruse this wikipedia list for a few minutes.
as a whole, humanity is really stupid and lacking creativity and cleverness.
9. michael jackson
while MJ had a lot of skeletons in his closet that most likely lead to the increased amounts of drugs in his system to dull the pain of his transgressions, ultimately leading to his untimely death (see kids, lying kills), the lie i'm referring to is the lie that we, the people bought into following his death.
micheal jackson was a transcendent and phenomenally influential and talented pop artist. his music is out-freakin'-standing and the cultural impact of his life is a legacy unmatched by any other.
with thousands of cameras and millions of people chattering about his death, does anybody find it interesting that nobody was talking about what a creep he was? MJ was phenomenal... 20 years ago. but the last 20 years of his life have been completely disturbing and appalling. where was the honesty in talking about what a deranged person he was? just because he died, the collective whole of society decided to disregard the fact that he was a child molester.
10. brett favre
the list wouldn't be complete without the biggest liar of them all. it's getting really hard to continue my crusade against brett favre these days. kevin and i are the only ones still on this hate-wagon, and i'm finding it hard to justify my continued displeasure with the man based on what he is doing week after week on the football field.
but let's not forget how we got here and what favre did when he held america hostage year after year with his constant flip-flopping. brett favre lied when he said that he was done. he's done it before, but this time it was too much. in a perfect world, his arm would have fallen off by now and he would be out of the league and humiliated. but karma isn't real, so he gets to enjoy the success that comes from lying, back-stabbing and cheating? (40 year-olds don't play football this well. favre is on steroids. there i said it. i have no proof, but i have no doubt in my mind about it. would you be surprised in the least if he tested positive for steroids? of course you wouldn't because it makes simple sense).
in my new years resolutions post at the beginning of this year, i resolved to forgive brett favre, "if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be."
thanks for ruining my year, brett favre.
wrapping it up (like a christmas present)
i wrote the other day on my facebook that, 'i continue to be surprised just how surprised all of us are when a celebrity commits "transgressions.'" the reality is that we all lie. while that doesn't make it right, it makes it predictable. when i first realized that tiger was lying about what his wife was doing with that golf club, i thought that he was lying to protect his wife's reputation and i understood that. but then the reality set in that tiger's protection of his wife's "honor" was really a desperate attempt to protect his own reputation.
lying is all about a fear of man. we lie because we don't want people to think less of us. when we were kids, we lied so we wouldn't get spanked. as adults, we lie so that we won't be rejected, so we won't be judged, so we won't disappoint. we lie because it's easier to ask for an apology than it is to ask for permission. we lie because we think we are better than others and we don't want them to know that we really aren't. we lie to ourselves because we don't want to feel guilt, sorrow and shame.
it's my occupation to be lied to. i spend a majority of every week being lied to. kids lie to me about how much trouble they get into at home and school. teachers lie to me about all they are doing to make sure my clients are getting appropriate education. parents lie about how much time they spend with their kids and how they discipline their kids when they screw up.
you would think that i would be better at picking out a liar, but in all honesty, i'm terrible at it. i continue to be be disappointed and shocked by most lies because i continue to be oblivious to the crooked nature of my fellow humans. we're bent toward lies because we're programmed for survival, and survival today means being well-liked and happy.
all jokes aside, will 2009 go down as "the year of the lie?" can society as a whole agree to get all our lies out of the system withing the rest of the month so '10 can be a year of honesty? of course not. i'm lying to myself if i think for a minute that you and i are going to stop lying to one another, and that's pretty rotten.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
mentor of men
by all accounts, tony dungy is a wonderful man. for those of you who don't know (heidi?), dungy is the former NFL coach, who now works part time as a studio analyst, and is the most respected man in the world.
when michael vick began to position himself for a comeback to football following the murder of some dogs and time in the big house, his association with dungy as his "mentor" was spoken of relentlessly as the key to his reinstatement.
after legarrette blount punched a guy from idaho in the jaw after the first game of the college football season, it looked like his season, and perhaps even career was in jeopardy. originally suspended for the year, blount is now returning to play. why has he been reinstated? tony dungy is his mentor.
i don't know what dungy does with his days, but i believe he wakes up each morning, grabs the paper from the doorstep, and searches for stories of troubled athletes that he can save from destruction.
when walking his dog, tony dungy stops and helps little children retrieve their stranded cats from sprawling trees.
the last time anything negative was spoken about tony dungy, he was 4 months old and had just pooped in his diaper.
mother theresa wasn't this respected (too far?)
maybe agents and coaches call him and ask for his services. more likely, he calls them up himself and says something along the lines of, "hi, this is tony dungy. i'd like to save you from yourself and change your life. is that something you would be interested in?"
i respect tony dungy. i respect the interest and investment dungy makes in the lives of young men who have lost their ways. tony dungy has a vibrant faith in God and humanity that seems to propel him toward helping others. in reality, it's what more men and women should be doing. i might not have the influence and leverage of a man like tony dungy, but i have countless opportunities to speak into and encourage other people every day. there's a word for what dungy is doing, it's called discipleship. Jesus Christ, if you remember, was a big advocate of this type of behavior.
if you're waiting for me to make fun of dungy (my usual approach to writing a blog), don't worry, i'm not going to. if you think that i'm going to get sentimental/political/sociological/provocative/etc., i'm not going to do that either.
what i am going to do is offer my services of mentor-ship for the legions of readers who have come to depend on me for guidance and assistance.
when i was a young lad (ages 19-22) a pastor named chuck took me under his wing and taught me all sorts of stuff. he taught me about the bible and theology. he taught me how to play guitar. he taught me how to care for people, and to listen and to be patient and persevere with people, even when they disappoint and often disparage you.
i may not be as wise and wonderful as these men, but i am qualified to coach you on how to be manly.
having recently devoted more than a full day's worth of time watching mad men, i can't stop thinking about don draper. draper is a man's man. draper could wear a skirt and he would still be the man. i have a hard time watching mad men with my wife because i'm afraid that heidi will discover the thoughts that are going through my head when he is on screen.
if the world was going to be blown up and we could only save one person han solo-style in some sort of cryogenic freeze chamber, i vote for don draper's legacy to live on as an indestructible landmark of awesomeness.
i'm no tony dungy, and i'm not don draper. i would modestly assert that i am the perfect combination of the two. here's what i have to offer:
manliness.
the rubric for what makes one man more manly than another is a highly contested discussion that is still taking shape. the basic premise is a scoring system of positive and negative points awarded for excellence or failure in various areas. some examples include:
- outdoorsmanship and survival skills.
- the ability to eat large quantities of food.
- strength/athletic ability.
- success in relationships with the opposite sex.
- the ability to grow facial hair.
- owning and wearing flannel shirts.
- vehicle and home maintenance capabilities.
- useless sports trivia knowledge.
- mastery of fire (i.e. grilling and fire-building).
- physical appearance
some of you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, this list is unfair. i can't grow a beard, i'm already bald, and i can only do 5 push ups. how can i possibly become more manly?"
you may not be able to grow a beard, but i would be willing to bet that with four months worth of patience you could pull off a pretty sweet 'stache.
you might not be able to throw a baseball over 70 mph, but you can buy a ticket to a baseball game and learn the names of every mvp winner since '89. there's hope for you still.
also, if you sign up for my proven mentoring program, i will teach you other invaluable skills that will make you the envy of every friend, the life of every party, and the apple of her eye.
in 30 days or less, i promise that i can teach you how to:
- bet the weekly nfl lines against your friend and win with staggering consistency to the point that said friend will be begging for mercy.
- reach for things on the top shelf that other people can't reach (that's right - i can make you taller).
- wear the clothes that you have owned for years that will never get worn out.
- be loved by old people and kids alike.
- root for professional sports teams in different cities in preparation for any move that you may have to make.
- replace the clutch in your 1993 chevy s-10 pickup.
- train a dog how to carry three balls in his mouth at once.
- give a proper hi-five.
- do the dishes.
- drink cheap beer and actually enjoy it.
- eat at least one more of any given food item than any of your friends (juggernaut excluded)
you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, can you really take the time to make me more manly?
i'll make time, because i was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, i
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
being a mentor isn't as much about me as it as about you. i believe i was placed on this earth to have a protege just like you.
i hear people say all the time that they would like to make a change in their life... that they would like to make a difference... but it's just too hard.
sure, it may be "hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull" but i can help you with that.
sign up today, stop making excuses.
i'm offering a free trial membership for all of my readers. just enter the promo code "justin is the man" in the comment box below and begin to enjoy the countless benefits of living the life of a real man.
*offer not valid in texas. other restrictions apply.
when michael vick began to position himself for a comeback to football following the murder of some dogs and time in the big house, his association with dungy as his "mentor" was spoken of relentlessly as the key to his reinstatement.
after legarrette blount punched a guy from idaho in the jaw after the first game of the college football season, it looked like his season, and perhaps even career was in jeopardy. originally suspended for the year, blount is now returning to play. why has he been reinstated? tony dungy is his mentor.
i don't know what dungy does with his days, but i believe he wakes up each morning, grabs the paper from the doorstep, and searches for stories of troubled athletes that he can save from destruction.
when walking his dog, tony dungy stops and helps little children retrieve their stranded cats from sprawling trees.
the last time anything negative was spoken about tony dungy, he was 4 months old and had just pooped in his diaper.
mother theresa wasn't this respected (too far?)
maybe agents and coaches call him and ask for his services. more likely, he calls them up himself and says something along the lines of, "hi, this is tony dungy. i'd like to save you from yourself and change your life. is that something you would be interested in?"
i respect tony dungy. i respect the interest and investment dungy makes in the lives of young men who have lost their ways. tony dungy has a vibrant faith in God and humanity that seems to propel him toward helping others. in reality, it's what more men and women should be doing. i might not have the influence and leverage of a man like tony dungy, but i have countless opportunities to speak into and encourage other people every day. there's a word for what dungy is doing, it's called discipleship. Jesus Christ, if you remember, was a big advocate of this type of behavior.
if you're waiting for me to make fun of dungy (my usual approach to writing a blog), don't worry, i'm not going to. if you think that i'm going to get sentimental/political/sociological/provocative/etc., i'm not going to do that either.
what i am going to do is offer my services of mentor-ship for the legions of readers who have come to depend on me for guidance and assistance.
when i was a young lad (ages 19-22) a pastor named chuck took me under his wing and taught me all sorts of stuff. he taught me about the bible and theology. he taught me how to play guitar. he taught me how to care for people, and to listen and to be patient and persevere with people, even when they disappoint and often disparage you.
i may not be as wise and wonderful as these men, but i am qualified to coach you on how to be manly.
having recently devoted more than a full day's worth of time watching mad men, i can't stop thinking about don draper. draper is a man's man. draper could wear a skirt and he would still be the man. i have a hard time watching mad men with my wife because i'm afraid that heidi will discover the thoughts that are going through my head when he is on screen.
if the world was going to be blown up and we could only save one person han solo-style in some sort of cryogenic freeze chamber, i vote for don draper's legacy to live on as an indestructible landmark of awesomeness.
i'm no tony dungy, and i'm not don draper. i would modestly assert that i am the perfect combination of the two. here's what i have to offer:
manliness.
the rubric for what makes one man more manly than another is a highly contested discussion that is still taking shape. the basic premise is a scoring system of positive and negative points awarded for excellence or failure in various areas. some examples include:
- outdoorsmanship and survival skills.
- the ability to eat large quantities of food.
- strength/athletic ability.
- success in relationships with the opposite sex.
- the ability to grow facial hair.
- owning and wearing flannel shirts.
- vehicle and home maintenance capabilities.
- useless sports trivia knowledge.
- mastery of fire (i.e. grilling and fire-building).
- physical appearance
some of you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, this list is unfair. i can't grow a beard, i'm already bald, and i can only do 5 push ups. how can i possibly become more manly?"
you may not be able to grow a beard, but i would be willing to bet that with four months worth of patience you could pull off a pretty sweet 'stache.
you might not be able to throw a baseball over 70 mph, but you can buy a ticket to a baseball game and learn the names of every mvp winner since '89. there's hope for you still.
also, if you sign up for my proven mentoring program, i will teach you other invaluable skills that will make you the envy of every friend, the life of every party, and the apple of her eye.
in 30 days or less, i promise that i can teach you how to:
- bet the weekly nfl lines against your friend and win with staggering consistency to the point that said friend will be begging for mercy.
- reach for things on the top shelf that other people can't reach (that's right - i can make you taller).
- wear the clothes that you have owned for years that will never get worn out.
- be loved by old people and kids alike.
- root for professional sports teams in different cities in preparation for any move that you may have to make.
- replace the clutch in your 1993 chevy s-10 pickup.
- train a dog how to carry three balls in his mouth at once.
- give a proper hi-five.
- do the dishes.
- drink cheap beer and actually enjoy it.
- eat at least one more of any given food item than any of your friends (juggernaut excluded)
you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, can you really take the time to make me more manly?
i'll make time, because i was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, i
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
being a mentor isn't as much about me as it as about you. i believe i was placed on this earth to have a protege just like you.
i hear people say all the time that they would like to make a change in their life... that they would like to make a difference... but it's just too hard.
sure, it may be "hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull" but i can help you with that.
sign up today, stop making excuses.
i'm offering a free trial membership for all of my readers. just enter the promo code "justin is the man" in the comment box below and begin to enjoy the countless benefits of living the life of a real man.
*offer not valid in texas. other restrictions apply.
Friday, November 6, 2009
headlines!
i don't follow the news. go ahead and judge me, but i just don't. i'm not worldy and i'm not educated... whatever. ESPN is the only reliable source of news that i ever check, and that isn't exactly comprehensive coverage. on Friday, November 06, the following headlines were posted on google news:
Menino urges Congress to pass health care overhaul
i hear a lot of talk about the health care system. i have health care provided from my employer and i have never used it. the problem is that too many people get sick and think that a doctor can do anything about it. my friend pete drinks apple cider vinegar and eats a banana every day and is stronger than an ox. my friend kevin hasn't thrown up in more than decade and a half. the health care system overhaul is simple: don't get sick.
CDC says us making progress on swine flu vaccine
on a related note, i'm not getting the vaccine. i will sacrifice my health for the inmates who need the shot. i haven't gotten a flu shot since i was in elementary school. i don't get the flu (and i'm not going to knock on wood to protect that statement).
can someone tell me why we can't come to a settlement on whether to call this flu "H1N1" or "swine flu?" just pick a label and stick with it.
NJ jurors convict Fla. man in 'fat defense' trial
here's the synopsis of the story:
HACKENSACK, NJ - A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man's defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway.
i walked up a couple flights of stairs today at a school and i got a little winded. since i am in peak physical condition, i can buy the defense of an obese man that he would not be able to pull off the "quick getaway."
$8000 homebuyers tax credit extended
this is good news for my friends kenny and shorty because they are the only responsible people i know who are in the market for a new house. i'm trying to read the fine print to figure out if i can get some cash for buying a doghouse for my dog, calvin. i plan on buying a house sometime around the year 2044. i'd like to, don't get me wrong, but i just don't see it in the immediate future.
Obama: 10.2 Percent Unemployment 'A Sobering Number'
10.2 percent is a sobering number if it's Blood Alcohol Content (or is that the opposite of sobering?)
wasn't obama supposed to fix all this by now?
War at Home: First Responders Describe Carnage at Fort Hood
i actually watched some of the coverage of this last night so i am at least semi-competent to discuss it (not really). the thing about the military is that it creates crazy. soldiers are subjected to horrors that you and i will never dream of. this is a tragedy. did you know that soldiers are dying every day for our country? you don't because nobody ever talks about it. we're desensitized to the daily casualties because it isn't happening next door. i'm guilty of it just as much as anybody, so i'm not throwing stones here. we just need to think about how we can support soldiers and their families better than we are.
Rihanna describes night of attack by Chris Brown
this story is just strange. i've never come close to even consider hitting heidi. i don't know how this happens.
Wanda Sykes promises to pull no punches on new show
why? i can guarantee that under no circumstance will i ever watch this show. t
Tapitsfly wins Breeders' Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf
we went to the track to bet on the ponies a few weekends ago and it was a riot. good times. my betting strategy consisted of picking the first name that stood out to me, and then making sure it was a long shot so my $2 would at least turn in to $14 or more. needless to day i did not walk away a winner that night.
New Mexico suspends hair-pulling soccer player
i need to start watching women's sports. this lambert girl is out of control. the guy from florida was gouging eyes out in a game last weekend, and now this girl from new mexico is forearm-checking and pulling hair. what is wrong with people?
Berlin Prepares for Celebrations 20 Years After Fall of Wall
while playing cranium against our significant others the other night, pete acted out the berlin wall charades-style and i guessed it right. i believe his acting consisted of standing, peering and holding his arms straight out from his torso. great moment.
Honduras leadership in limbo as accord dissolves
i know nothing about foreign affairs. i think the use of "limbo" in this title is inflammatory and derogatory. tomorrow's headline will probably make reference to pinatas and refried beans. you should be above this, Associated Press.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, are you headlines for Friday, November 06, 2009. glad i could provide you with invaluable information that will undoubtedly serve to help you lead a more sophisticated and pompous life.
Menino urges Congress to pass health care overhaul
i hear a lot of talk about the health care system. i have health care provided from my employer and i have never used it. the problem is that too many people get sick and think that a doctor can do anything about it. my friend pete drinks apple cider vinegar and eats a banana every day and is stronger than an ox. my friend kevin hasn't thrown up in more than decade and a half. the health care system overhaul is simple: don't get sick.
CDC says us making progress on swine flu vaccine
on a related note, i'm not getting the vaccine. i will sacrifice my health for the inmates who need the shot. i haven't gotten a flu shot since i was in elementary school. i don't get the flu (and i'm not going to knock on wood to protect that statement).
can someone tell me why we can't come to a settlement on whether to call this flu "H1N1" or "swine flu?" just pick a label and stick with it.
NJ jurors convict Fla. man in 'fat defense' trial
here's the synopsis of the story:
HACKENSACK, NJ - A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man's defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway.
i walked up a couple flights of stairs today at a school and i got a little winded. since i am in peak physical condition, i can buy the defense of an obese man that he would not be able to pull off the "quick getaway."
$8000 homebuyers tax credit extended
this is good news for my friends kenny and shorty because they are the only responsible people i know who are in the market for a new house. i'm trying to read the fine print to figure out if i can get some cash for buying a doghouse for my dog, calvin. i plan on buying a house sometime around the year 2044. i'd like to, don't get me wrong, but i just don't see it in the immediate future.
Obama: 10.2 Percent Unemployment 'A Sobering Number'
10.2 percent is a sobering number if it's Blood Alcohol Content (or is that the opposite of sobering?)
wasn't obama supposed to fix all this by now?
War at Home: First Responders Describe Carnage at Fort Hood
i actually watched some of the coverage of this last night so i am at least semi-competent to discuss it (not really). the thing about the military is that it creates crazy. soldiers are subjected to horrors that you and i will never dream of. this is a tragedy. did you know that soldiers are dying every day for our country? you don't because nobody ever talks about it. we're desensitized to the daily casualties because it isn't happening next door. i'm guilty of it just as much as anybody, so i'm not throwing stones here. we just need to think about how we can support soldiers and their families better than we are.
Rihanna describes night of attack by Chris Brown
this story is just strange. i've never come close to even consider hitting heidi. i don't know how this happens.
Wanda Sykes promises to pull no punches on new show
why? i can guarantee that under no circumstance will i ever watch this show. t
Tapitsfly wins Breeders' Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf
we went to the track to bet on the ponies a few weekends ago and it was a riot. good times. my betting strategy consisted of picking the first name that stood out to me, and then making sure it was a long shot so my $2 would at least turn in to $14 or more. needless to day i did not walk away a winner that night.
New Mexico suspends hair-pulling soccer player
i need to start watching women's sports. this lambert girl is out of control. the guy from florida was gouging eyes out in a game last weekend, and now this girl from new mexico is forearm-checking and pulling hair. what is wrong with people?
Berlin Prepares for Celebrations 20 Years After Fall of Wall
while playing cranium against our significant others the other night, pete acted out the berlin wall charades-style and i guessed it right. i believe his acting consisted of standing, peering and holding his arms straight out from his torso. great moment.
Honduras leadership in limbo as accord dissolves
i know nothing about foreign affairs. i think the use of "limbo" in this title is inflammatory and derogatory. tomorrow's headline will probably make reference to pinatas and refried beans. you should be above this, Associated Press.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, are you headlines for Friday, November 06, 2009. glad i could provide you with invaluable information that will undoubtedly serve to help you lead a more sophisticated and pompous life.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
stuff other people like that i don't
*** note to reader: my internet pooped out as i went to publish this and i lost at least half of what was written. i'm not saying that you're missing much, but know that there was more, and i was too pissed to re-think and type it out again. i was also too lazy to edit for mistakes, so you're going to have to put up with that as well. enjoy.
had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.
i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.
STAR WARS
don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.
NASCAR
i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.
COMIC BOOKS
somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.
BIKES
i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).
DESSERT
i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.
BRETT FAVRE
forget it. let's just move on.
CATS
cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.
IN CONCLUSION,
i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.
the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.
had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.
i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.
STAR WARS
don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.
NASCAR
i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.
COMIC BOOKS
somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.
BIKES
i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).
DESSERT
i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.
BRETT FAVRE
forget it. let's just move on.
CATS
cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.
IN CONCLUSION,
i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.
the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
crystal balls
i can't let the football season begin (it already began?) without publishing my division winners picks. kevin posted a full preview because kevin is not married and does not have a life. if you want to be entertained and spend more than 3 minutes looking at how one man believes the NFL will unfold this year, read this. unfortunately, i don't have the ability to write such a comprehensive assessment. i could blame this inability on lack of time, but that would be untrue. i think "other priorities" is more accurate (whatever that means).
winners:
AFC
new england
pittsburgh
tennessee
san diego
NFC
philadelphia
green bay
carolina (that's right)
seattle
since i'm feeling so nostradamus-y, i'll throw some more predictions your way:
1. i will drink a keg's worth of pumpkin beer in the next few months. had the first one of the season last week and am feeling up to the task of trying every variety i can get my fingers on.
2. heidi will run more miles than me over the remainder of the year. currently, (if we are starting today) she is up in miles 10 - 3. if i break her legs then i can catch her. but if i break her legs there might be other repercussions and consequences i am not prepared to deal with.
3. i will regret at least half of those NFL picks. the carolina pick especially will leave me doubting my own intelligence and sexuality.
4. the st. louis cardinals and new york yankees will meet in the world series. i used to believe in the dodgers, but have abandoned that pick faster than my dog calvin can tear the cover off a tennis ball (really fast). st. louis will win because God can't be bought. and since God can't be bought, he will punish the yankees for thinking they could buy a championship. i picture alex rodriquez being torn apart limb from limb by a hungry pack of alley cats on the field.
5. heidi and i will know what the heck we are going to do with our life before the end of '09. should we stay or should we go? if we go, to where will it be?
that's all. for further reading, may i suggest you go back and read my "idioms" post from last week? and yes, kevin, i came up with those on my own. i have a piece of scratch paper with those and more scribbled on it. i spent at least 2 hours coming up with that list and am insulted that you question my intelligence and integrity.
winners:
AFC
new england
pittsburgh
tennessee
san diego
NFC
philadelphia
green bay
carolina (that's right)
seattle
since i'm feeling so nostradamus-y, i'll throw some more predictions your way:
1. i will drink a keg's worth of pumpkin beer in the next few months. had the first one of the season last week and am feeling up to the task of trying every variety i can get my fingers on.
2. heidi will run more miles than me over the remainder of the year. currently, (if we are starting today) she is up in miles 10 - 3. if i break her legs then i can catch her. but if i break her legs there might be other repercussions and consequences i am not prepared to deal with.
3. i will regret at least half of those NFL picks. the carolina pick especially will leave me doubting my own intelligence and sexuality.
4. the st. louis cardinals and new york yankees will meet in the world series. i used to believe in the dodgers, but have abandoned that pick faster than my dog calvin can tear the cover off a tennis ball (really fast). st. louis will win because God can't be bought. and since God can't be bought, he will punish the yankees for thinking they could buy a championship. i picture alex rodriquez being torn apart limb from limb by a hungry pack of alley cats on the field.
5. heidi and i will know what the heck we are going to do with our life before the end of '09. should we stay or should we go? if we go, to where will it be?
that's all. for further reading, may i suggest you go back and read my "idioms" post from last week? and yes, kevin, i came up with those on my own. i have a piece of scratch paper with those and more scribbled on it. i spent at least 2 hours coming up with that list and am insulted that you question my intelligence and integrity.
Monday, September 7, 2009
the cat's out of the bag!
it's labor day, and with absolutely nothing to do today, i will toil away to bring you a long overdue blog.
i love idioms. a picture is worth a thousand words, but i can't draw, so i'll stick with the thousand words to present you with some of my favorites
"tall drink of water"
i get this one all the time, and to be quite honest i kinda like it. if someone is fat, are they a "a huge bite of pizza?"
"barking up the wrong tree"
my dog barks all the time, but never up trees. i guess that means he is on point and i shouldn't tell him to stop.
"what's good for the goose is good for the gander"
"what the hell is a gander anyway?" "it's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her."
"have your cake and eat it too"
it's not too much to ask to be able to eat a piece of cake if one has been offered to you. possession of cake is fine, but rather pointless and un-fulfilling if not consumed.
"actions speak louder than words"
i disagree. words are spoken, not actions. therefore, actions are inaudible, and thus cannot be louder than words, which are, of course, heard.
"an accident waiting to happen"
shawne merriman strangled tila tequila the other night. now that was an accident waiting to happen. except that it most likely wasn't an accident. so more accurately, that would be "a domestic violence waiting to happen."
"six in one, half dozen in the other"
that's one dozen according to my calculations. if i have twelve of anything in my hands, then i am pretty content. unless it's a dozen steaming piles of poop.
"when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"
of course, if you have two hand-fulls of poop in your possession, you might as well throw them at your friends for a good laugh.
"kill two birds with one stone"
i once killed a bird with my bb gun. i felt pretty bad about it. had i killed two birds with that one shot, i would have been amazed.
"a bird in hand is better than two in the bush"
not if you're the dead bird. i wonder if birds have idioms that they share with one another: "when berries give you diarrhea, crap on somebody's head."
"a little bird told me"
i don't trust anybody who gets their information from birds, or any other animal. the only talking bird i trust is Big Bird, and he wasn't little.
"if you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs"
the current cincinnati reds' season is a lot of broken eggs, but no omelet in sight.
all's well that ends well... except not.
"don't put all your eggs in one basket"
what is it with idioms about fowl and their offspring? better advice would be: don't put eggs in your jeans' pockets and ride a bike.
"don't count your chickens before they hatch"
again with the reproductive habits of fowl. it's enough already.
"a watched pot never boils"
untrue: i just watched a pot of water boil in order to cook my macaroni & cheese. (we call that research, and i'm willing to put in the extra work to provide a quality product).
"two peas in a pod"
anthony bourdain just compared a dish that he was eating to "having sex with twins." "identical twins in a uterus" would convey similarity better than "two peas in a pod."
"beggars can't be choosers"
can choosers be beggars? if so, that's unfair.
"a day late and a dollar short"
one day and one dollar? i feel like we can work something out here. are you really going to "bust my chops" over something so minor?
"an apple a day keeps the doctor away"
if an apple is "just what the doctor ordered," and the result is good health and less-frequent visits from patients, perhaps the doctor should consider another order that is more financially advantageous.
"cool as a cucumber"
if this refers to temperature, then there are several items that are cooler than a cucumber. if the reference is to personality, "cool as jay z" would be appropriate (speaking of HOV, the news of his album release being moved up to tomorrow has me feeling "like a kid in the candy store." "dollars for donuts" it will be great.
"an ax to grind"
you can only grind an ax for so long before it's time to just "bury the hatchet."
"cat got your tongue?"
apparently there are many cats getting many tongues in the world of baseball. taking steroids not only shrinks your balls and expands your cranium, but also has adverse effect on the tongue. (allowing the cat to get your tongue is an attempt to circumvent "eating crow" or having "egg on your face," rather than "taking the bull by the horns").
"best of both worlds"
is this the experience of having your cake and eating it too?
"bring home the bacon"
my mother-in-law brings home bacon all the time. she works for a bacon company.
"colder than a witches' tit"
that's just funny.
"go fly a kite"
and if you tie a key to that kite and fly it in a lightening storm, you just might discover electricity.
"beating a dead horse"
as in, "justin, this blog is beating a dead horse. take a hike!"
i love idioms. a picture is worth a thousand words, but i can't draw, so i'll stick with the thousand words to present you with some of my favorites
"tall drink of water"
i get this one all the time, and to be quite honest i kinda like it. if someone is fat, are they a "a huge bite of pizza?"
"barking up the wrong tree"
my dog barks all the time, but never up trees. i guess that means he is on point and i shouldn't tell him to stop.
"what's good for the goose is good for the gander"
"what the hell is a gander anyway?" "it's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her."
"have your cake and eat it too"
it's not too much to ask to be able to eat a piece of cake if one has been offered to you. possession of cake is fine, but rather pointless and un-fulfilling if not consumed.
"actions speak louder than words"
i disagree. words are spoken, not actions. therefore, actions are inaudible, and thus cannot be louder than words, which are, of course, heard.
"an accident waiting to happen"
shawne merriman strangled tila tequila the other night. now that was an accident waiting to happen. except that it most likely wasn't an accident. so more accurately, that would be "a domestic violence waiting to happen."
"six in one, half dozen in the other"
that's one dozen according to my calculations. if i have twelve of anything in my hands, then i am pretty content. unless it's a dozen steaming piles of poop.
"when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"
of course, if you have two hand-fulls of poop in your possession, you might as well throw them at your friends for a good laugh.
"kill two birds with one stone"
i once killed a bird with my bb gun. i felt pretty bad about it. had i killed two birds with that one shot, i would have been amazed.
"a bird in hand is better than two in the bush"
not if you're the dead bird. i wonder if birds have idioms that they share with one another: "when berries give you diarrhea, crap on somebody's head."
"a little bird told me"
i don't trust anybody who gets their information from birds, or any other animal. the only talking bird i trust is Big Bird, and he wasn't little.
"if you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs"
the current cincinnati reds' season is a lot of broken eggs, but no omelet in sight.
all's well that ends well... except not.
"don't put all your eggs in one basket"
what is it with idioms about fowl and their offspring? better advice would be: don't put eggs in your jeans' pockets and ride a bike.
"don't count your chickens before they hatch"
again with the reproductive habits of fowl. it's enough already.
"a watched pot never boils"
untrue: i just watched a pot of water boil in order to cook my macaroni & cheese. (we call that research, and i'm willing to put in the extra work to provide a quality product).
"two peas in a pod"
anthony bourdain just compared a dish that he was eating to "having sex with twins." "identical twins in a uterus" would convey similarity better than "two peas in a pod."
"beggars can't be choosers"
can choosers be beggars? if so, that's unfair.
"a day late and a dollar short"
one day and one dollar? i feel like we can work something out here. are you really going to "bust my chops" over something so minor?
"an apple a day keeps the doctor away"
if an apple is "just what the doctor ordered," and the result is good health and less-frequent visits from patients, perhaps the doctor should consider another order that is more financially advantageous.
"cool as a cucumber"
if this refers to temperature, then there are several items that are cooler than a cucumber. if the reference is to personality, "cool as jay z" would be appropriate (speaking of HOV, the news of his album release being moved up to tomorrow has me feeling "like a kid in the candy store." "dollars for donuts" it will be great.
"an ax to grind"
you can only grind an ax for so long before it's time to just "bury the hatchet."
"cat got your tongue?"
apparently there are many cats getting many tongues in the world of baseball. taking steroids not only shrinks your balls and expands your cranium, but also has adverse effect on the tongue. (allowing the cat to get your tongue is an attempt to circumvent "eating crow" or having "egg on your face," rather than "taking the bull by the horns").
"best of both worlds"
is this the experience of having your cake and eating it too?
"bring home the bacon"
my mother-in-law brings home bacon all the time. she works for a bacon company.
"colder than a witches' tit"
that's just funny.
"go fly a kite"
and if you tie a key to that kite and fly it in a lightening storm, you just might discover electricity.
"beating a dead horse"
as in, "justin, this blog is beating a dead horse. take a hike!"
Saturday, August 15, 2009
remembering "the king of pop" (or not)
it's 1:39 on a saturday afternoon, which can only mean one thing: somewhere there is a michael jackson retrospective special on tv.
the reason for my extended absence from this blog was a conscious decision to not post until the media settled down with it's MJ coverage, but since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, i guess i'll figure out some way to waste our collective time.
break the silence.
+++ the other day a one of my clients (an 11-year old boy) said, "for your FYI..."
this is brilliant, and lead me to think of some other great statements:
- "by the BTW..."
- "my estimated ETA is..."
- "what the WTF?"
- "oh my OMG!"
- "thank God it's TGIF"
- "too much TMI"
feel free to drop some of these gems in everyday conversation and be the envy of all your friends.
and if you are interested, a comprehensive list of internet-style slang can be found here.
+++ after watching 2.5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, i'm ready to exterminate the entire human race. we've had a good run, but i'm pretty sure primates, earthworms, and giraffes would demonstrate more dignity and intelligence at this point.
+++ last night my friends kenny, shorty and i were deliberating whether or not to go out following the atrocity that was the reds-nationals game. as we stood in kenny's driveway, we allowed a coin flip to decide our fate. the quarter landed on tails and we all went home. shorty joked that we should have called kevin to tell us what to do, and we agreed this would have been a better solution than our coin flip. the reason i tell this story is to illustrate the inability of three grown men to make a simple decision. embarrassing.
+++ speaking of the reds' game, adam dunn is looking leaner than in his cincinnati days. do they not have Waffle Houses in D.C.?
+++ Rio Bravo is better than Bladerunner.
+++ in reviewing what i have written so far, it is evident that i have no regard for the rules of capitalization. i'm a rebel when it comes to punctuation and grammar. i do whatever i want in part because i want to, but mostly because i am lazy.
+++ i was terrified earlier this week when i saw a headline that read: "heidi poses in playboy." thankfully, it was not my wife.
(i found this out from reading the rest of the article, not from looking at playboy.)
+++ speaking of heidi (my wife, not the wench of MTV's The Hills fame)... she baked up some pizzas earlier this week that would make your knees weak. have i ever mentioned how fortunate i am to be married to this woman? right now there is approximately 86k calories of cookie in our kitchen.
+++ heidi also got a haircut recently and now has bangs again. i would post a picture, but if you want to see her, you'll have to come visit us. this point did not need to be included, but i want it published on the world wide web how attractive she is.
+++ and that concludes the "heidi is great" segment of this blog. tune in next time as i wax poetically about heidi's dancing, singing and parallel parking skills.
+++ The Wire, even the second time through, is absolutely perfect. i wish 'bunny' colvin was my grandfather. he's good po-lice
+++ pete and heather asked me to be an usher for their upcoming wedding. although they were unaware at the time, i informed them of my extensive ushering and groomsmen experience in order to calm any anxiety they might have regarding my ability to fulfill this important task. for example, in the last wedding i worked, the bride's grandmother, mother and a bridesmaid were all walked down the aisle by yours truly. that's three trips up without a single incident, and three more ladies who can speak to my professional, yet fun-loving approach to the wedding performance business. i'm available for hire and am listed in the yellow pages under Gigolos (it was the best i could think of).
+++ i already mowed the lawn and washed the dishes, so don't judge me for the excessive amount of time i wasted on writing down these thoughts.
the reason for my extended absence from this blog was a conscious decision to not post until the media settled down with it's MJ coverage, but since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, i guess i'll figure out some way to waste our collective time.
break the silence.
+++ the other day a one of my clients (an 11-year old boy) said, "for your FYI..."
this is brilliant, and lead me to think of some other great statements:
- "by the BTW..."
- "my estimated ETA is..."
- "what the WTF?"
- "oh my OMG!"
- "thank God it's TGIF"
- "too much TMI"
feel free to drop some of these gems in everyday conversation and be the envy of all your friends.
and if you are interested, a comprehensive list of internet-style slang can be found here.
+++ after watching 2.5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, i'm ready to exterminate the entire human race. we've had a good run, but i'm pretty sure primates, earthworms, and giraffes would demonstrate more dignity and intelligence at this point.
+++ last night my friends kenny, shorty and i were deliberating whether or not to go out following the atrocity that was the reds-nationals game. as we stood in kenny's driveway, we allowed a coin flip to decide our fate. the quarter landed on tails and we all went home. shorty joked that we should have called kevin to tell us what to do, and we agreed this would have been a better solution than our coin flip. the reason i tell this story is to illustrate the inability of three grown men to make a simple decision. embarrassing.
+++ speaking of the reds' game, adam dunn is looking leaner than in his cincinnati days. do they not have Waffle Houses in D.C.?
+++ Rio Bravo is better than Bladerunner.
+++ in reviewing what i have written so far, it is evident that i have no regard for the rules of capitalization. i'm a rebel when it comes to punctuation and grammar. i do whatever i want in part because i want to, but mostly because i am lazy.
+++ i was terrified earlier this week when i saw a headline that read: "heidi poses in playboy." thankfully, it was not my wife.
(i found this out from reading the rest of the article, not from looking at playboy.)
+++ speaking of heidi (my wife, not the wench of MTV's The Hills fame)... she baked up some pizzas earlier this week that would make your knees weak. have i ever mentioned how fortunate i am to be married to this woman? right now there is approximately 86k calories of cookie in our kitchen.
+++ heidi also got a haircut recently and now has bangs again. i would post a picture, but if you want to see her, you'll have to come visit us. this point did not need to be included, but i want it published on the world wide web how attractive she is.
+++ and that concludes the "heidi is great" segment of this blog. tune in next time as i wax poetically about heidi's dancing, singing and parallel parking skills.
+++ The Wire, even the second time through, is absolutely perfect. i wish 'bunny' colvin was my grandfather. he's good po-lice
+++ pete and heather asked me to be an usher for their upcoming wedding. although they were unaware at the time, i informed them of my extensive ushering and groomsmen experience in order to calm any anxiety they might have regarding my ability to fulfill this important task. for example, in the last wedding i worked, the bride's grandmother, mother and a bridesmaid were all walked down the aisle by yours truly. that's three trips up without a single incident, and three more ladies who can speak to my professional, yet fun-loving approach to the wedding performance business. i'm available for hire and am listed in the yellow pages under Gigolos (it was the best i could think of).
+++ i already mowed the lawn and washed the dishes, so don't judge me for the excessive amount of time i wasted on writing down these thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
