i think i have alluded to this in previous blogs and conversations with others, but i have finally figured out what the difference between women and men is, and i'll give you a hint - it's not anatomy (actually it is anatomy, but that seems a bit obvious to cover in this space. that, and i was terrible at anatomy, so i'd rather not try to discuss anything related to it at length for fear of being discovered as a fraud)
the main difference between girls and guys is level of interest. guys obsess, and girls dabble.
what do you mean, justin? (and before i get going here, know that this is not meant to be offensive to any person or group of persons. i like to stereotype. it's what i do. some call that wrong, but i call it my natural tendency and a fun way to pass the time. also, none of this has anything to do with my wife, who somehow breaks many of the guy/girl rules, and that is why i love her so...)
i have met, known, been best friends with guys who are obsessed with the following things: sports, records, movies, fine wine/beer, theology, computers/gaming, technology in general, skydiving and extreme sports, classic car restoration, weight-lifting, tattoos, getting drunk, marijuana usage, literature, bicylcle riding and a bevy of other interests i don't care to mention now.
i have met, known and been married to women who are obsessed with the following things: shoes, cooking (that one is heidi), losing weight, clothes, and getting tan.
do you notice a fundamental difference here? chicks don't get obsessed with stuff. you don't meet the girl who hasn't seen the sun for three weeks because she's locked herself in her mom's basement playing 'call of duty 4' or 'world of warcraft.' girls don't walk around in public wearing jerseys of professional quarterbacks and small forwards (unless said jerseys are pink, which is awesome. (note to reader, since i assume some comment will come regarding comment about about pink jerseys being awesome on a girl, let me tell you now that this comment was made in jest)). how many times have you walked into a girl's apartment and immediately been confronted by a 13,000 record collection? how many girls walk around quoting lines from the latest judd apatow movie and go home each night to a dvd collection of over 100? ever met a girl who couldn't stop talking about her golf score? how about the day after a game 7 loss to another team... how many times does a lady call in sick to work because she "just can't get over how devastating that loss was..."
this doesn't mean that girls don't have interests. it doesn't mean that girls don't care about important things (look at the list of things i attribute to guys... not exactly the mother theresa list of things to care about). i'm also not saying that girls can't be interested in things. they can and most certainly are. but girls dabble in many interests. so many, that it's impossible to even begin to record them here. most girls have at least 4,000 pairs of shoes. how do you decide which pair to wear each day? that's crazy to me. i have worn black chuck taylors for the last 10 years, without variance. i'm obsessed. don't give me choices. i don't do well with choices.
what conclusion can we draw from this observation? i'm not too sure. i know that dudes have the ability to get along much easier than broads (wikipedia defines broad: "a woman of lesser class then a lady but higher class then a bitch." that one's for you, brian.) because chances are you share at least one obsession with every fella you meet on the street. girls have to work too hard to find common ground to start on:
girl #1 "so, what kind of shoes are those?"
girl #2 "they're vintage, you wouldn't recognize the brand."
girl #1 "oh." (why can't i get away from shoe comments when talking about females? seriously.)
on the flip side, let's ease drop on a classic dude conversation:
guy #1 "what's up man?"
guy #2 "freakin' bengals, man... 0-7."
guy #1 (excited and raising his voice) "i know man! can you even believe that. to make things worse, you've got the entire media reporting on every insignificant detail of the dallas cowboys and jay glazer reporting every time brett favre sneezes. if it weren't for the improbable rise to greatness of the tampa bay rays, i would give up all hope..."
guy #2 (interrupting due to surge of joy) "that's what happens when you live in the entertainment age. used to be that the average middle american worked hard to sustain and build a family and sunday was a singular day in the week to come together in a social context with his neighbors and family to enjoy a competition of juggernauts and gladiators. due to the cable networks complete reliance upon "new" stories to keep the average viewer returning, the typical american is innundated with mundane and mindless trivia they try to call news. that's why i dig the new tv on the radio album, dear science, so much, because i think it captures the struggle of the modern man and woman. sure, bands like deerhunter and of montreal tell a story as well, but it far less transcendent."
guy #1 (urinating on himself now). see, that's what i'm talking about. a movie like 'forgetting sarah marshall,' or 'knocked up' shows the plight of the average american man as placed in that position by society. it's funny because it's real and it's sad because it's true. we live in a world now that rewards men for being "emotional and understanding" and rejects the heroes of old; guys like stallone, seagal, willis and schwarzenegger. everything is reversed. that's why i just sit in my apartment and smoke weed while playing halo 3. neil postman had it right in "amusing ourselves to death" when he said that we are now in the entertainment age, not the information age as once thought. do you really think anybody is any smarter now than they were before the internet? the human mind can't begin to hold onto all of the info that assaults it every day. like trying to get a sip of water from the firehose... you know what i mean?"
guy #2 i get it man. you're speaking my language. what did you say your name was again? we should hang out some time. maybe drink a few pumpkin beers and play some madden or something..."
do you see the difference between guy talk and girl talk? it's so painfully obvious.
it should be noted, at this point, that i am a male. being a male, i am most certainly excluded from the female race (it's not a race, is it? gender would have worked better there). it's possible that i'm wrong on this one, but i don't think so. my wife is taking a nap right now, or i would ask her if i am right or wrong. i'm going to go ahead and be a maverick and just his "publish post" without any confirmation. (you see what it happeing here? i'm already obsessing over whether i should discuss this with a female or not before making it public! i'm my own case study. fascinating!)
dames just typically don't get into stuff the way boys do. i don't know why this is, but it just is, and that should be enough. if i were to get all "scientific method" on this i'd feel pretty good about my question of origin and background research (28 years of being a dude and being around girls is a lot of research). my hypothesis has been constructed, but i lack an experiment that will test my hypothesis. screw it, i'll just analyze data from my frivelous background research and draw a short-sighted and possibly erroneous conclusion. you are currently enjoying the communication of my results, so 5 out of 6 in the scientific method, not bad (maybe i learned something from freshman science afterall)
now, perhaps your thinking, "justin, what is it you are trying to say? something tells me that you're going to make some grand point about how guys are better than girls..."
obviously i'm not going to make that point. as a matter of fact, in honor of this election season in which nobody makes any points, and no stance is ever taken on any issue, i'm just going to make this point (in a presidential-hopeful tone):
"people of america. men and women are different. if i am elected president, i promise to uphold and promote that difference as much as i am able. unless you don't want me to uphold that difference... then i promise to make sure everythink is homogenized, because i care about the american people. unlike my opponent who doesn't like women. or men. or puppies. he is evil, and that is why you should vote for me... because i'm not evil."
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
you will not enjoy this post. i promise. it's not worth reading. if you think i am joking and trying to get your attention, you are wrong.
allow me to welcome back my trusty little apple ibook, who had been out of commission for over a month due to a charger failure and a lack of effort to secure a replacement. i couldn't see spending another $79 on a new one from apple, and all the off-brands received poor reviews. i eventually found one for pretty cheap that had minimal poor reviews... (you care).
with the return on the ibook comes a return of access to my itunes, and most importantly, my podcasts. for the past three days i have been marathoning every bill simmons podcast in my car as i drive around for work. i'm listening to football projections for week three of the nfl season and loving every minute of it. it's almost like i have travelled into the future, observed the outcomes of these games, and now get to go back to the past (present) and mock bill and cousin sal as they talk about what they suppose the outcomes of these future games to be. i have so much power, so much wisdom. if i could just call them and say, "you got it all wrong. trust me, i've been there, the patriots will lose to miami in week 4."
on another note, i preached a sermon to a lively bunch of senior citizens at madona manor today. my friend heather asked me to come once a week and hold a "non-denominational, protestant service" for all the non-catholics in the building. let me just tell you that i know nothing when it comes to the elderly. can i make jokes about bad cafeteria food and sponge baths? can i talk about death? i spoke about the subject of hope, and plan to continue this subject for several weeks, but every time i mentioned anything about death or life i felt like i was punching somebody in the kidney. i normally would fill a time of preaching with cultural references, personal experiences and well-planned analogies, but i quickly discovered that this would not fly with this crowd. a quick reference to the economic crisis brought about no reply, so i'm pretty sure these people don't really know what's going on. i'll keep trying though. next i'll try references to wheel of fortune and 'the jeffersons' reruns, with the hope that i can break through into their world. but i like old people. i get nervous around them, always have. even my own grandparents made me nervous, especially when they became sick and frail. i'm large and clumsy, and i think i have a fear that i will topple over some poor woman in the hall as she tries to scoot to the bathroom. one kind woman told me that i did a great job, but that it was too long. i love the honesty of the elderly, there's no more pulling punches when you get to that age. what you see is what you get. there's no time for pussy-footing around (what does that even mean? one of my favorite sayings of all time). so next week i'll trim down from a 40 minute presentation to a 20 minute, and hope that i can speak loudly and slowly enough that i don't lose everyone.
this thing is going nowhere. sorry, tried to write without a subject or goal in mind. i should probably just delete it, but i spent more than 6 minutes on it, and i don't waste that much time without some result. that and i feel compelled to average four posts a month on this blog. i'll be back with something worthwhile soon. i promise. (you care)
with the return on the ibook comes a return of access to my itunes, and most importantly, my podcasts. for the past three days i have been marathoning every bill simmons podcast in my car as i drive around for work. i'm listening to football projections for week three of the nfl season and loving every minute of it. it's almost like i have travelled into the future, observed the outcomes of these games, and now get to go back to the past (present) and mock bill and cousin sal as they talk about what they suppose the outcomes of these future games to be. i have so much power, so much wisdom. if i could just call them and say, "you got it all wrong. trust me, i've been there, the patriots will lose to miami in week 4."
on another note, i preached a sermon to a lively bunch of senior citizens at madona manor today. my friend heather asked me to come once a week and hold a "non-denominational, protestant service" for all the non-catholics in the building. let me just tell you that i know nothing when it comes to the elderly. can i make jokes about bad cafeteria food and sponge baths? can i talk about death? i spoke about the subject of hope, and plan to continue this subject for several weeks, but every time i mentioned anything about death or life i felt like i was punching somebody in the kidney. i normally would fill a time of preaching with cultural references, personal experiences and well-planned analogies, but i quickly discovered that this would not fly with this crowd. a quick reference to the economic crisis brought about no reply, so i'm pretty sure these people don't really know what's going on. i'll keep trying though. next i'll try references to wheel of fortune and 'the jeffersons' reruns, with the hope that i can break through into their world. but i like old people. i get nervous around them, always have. even my own grandparents made me nervous, especially when they became sick and frail. i'm large and clumsy, and i think i have a fear that i will topple over some poor woman in the hall as she tries to scoot to the bathroom. one kind woman told me that i did a great job, but that it was too long. i love the honesty of the elderly, there's no more pulling punches when you get to that age. what you see is what you get. there's no time for pussy-footing around (what does that even mean? one of my favorite sayings of all time). so next week i'll trim down from a 40 minute presentation to a 20 minute, and hope that i can speak loudly and slowly enough that i don't lose everyone.
this thing is going nowhere. sorry, tried to write without a subject or goal in mind. i should probably just delete it, but i spent more than 6 minutes on it, and i don't waste that much time without some result. that and i feel compelled to average four posts a month on this blog. i'll be back with something worthwhile soon. i promise. (you care)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
heidi says i'm out of control
i'm sorry i only wrote two posts last month (i don't know who i am apologizing to). i try to average one a week but sometimes i just don't have anything to say. (sometimes i don't have anything to say but i write anyway)
listening to baseball is far superior to watching it on television. i love broadcaster's voices. something about listening to the game on the crackin' AM radio just makes me happy. i grew up without cable, so whenver i wanted to catch my san fran giants, it was to the radio in the garage where i would sit on this bench and listen to jon miller and mike krukow serenade angels to come down from heaven (hyperbole?) oh, and by the way, the rays are going to world series and will lose to the dodgers. i have to ride the rays (remember that i picked them as my darkhorse BEFORE the season) and they have to make it as far as the rockies did last year so that i can feel at least equal to kevin. if they win a single game in the world series then kevin owes me a pumpkin ale.
the other night i sat at a table with heidi, heather, annie and cheryle and listened to them talk about how funny ellen degeneres is. ellen degeneres is not funny. these women couldn't understand how i could possibly not be an ellen fan. simply stating that i have testicles would have been enough to settle the argument, but i insisted that there are 100 people i would rather run into on a street corner than ellen degeneres. this shouldn't be too hard. let's go
1) kelsey grammer (frasier is a great show that i am appreciating more and more recently. and i won't comment on every person, don't worry)
2-6) the cast of saved by the bell minus screech (who i have seen at a bar and was a complete tool) and mr. belding, who i also met and was the greatest human being to ever live.
7) george w. bush
8-9) bill simmons and manny ramirez at the same time.
10) alex trebek
11) bill murray (but only if i could be guaranteed that he would actually be nice to me)
12) will clark (my favorite baseball player of all time. over 170 cards in plastic sleeves located in my parents' attic supports this statement)
13) larry david
14) chuck klosterman
15) michael j fox (i'd probably say something like, "too bad you can't go back in time and change your genetic code to make sure you don't get parkinson's disease." then i'd feel really bad for making such an inappropriate comment and say something like, "i wish i could go back in time and not make that last comment.")
16-19) mark driscoll, john piper, matt chandler and tim keller (all in one room, talking about theology and stuff. i'd just sit in the corner and smile)
20) marvin lewis (later i would be charged with assault for knocking his front two teeth out with my forehead).
21) the dog whisperer guy (make my dog not crazy!)
22) conan o'brien
23) david lynch
24) wes anderson
25) dusty baker ("man, why did you give russ ortiz the game ball in game six of the 2002 world series? that was a big mistake.")
26) scott spezio (another assault charge on my record)
27) michael c. hall (who would have thought that a gay funeral director and a serial killer could be so cool?)
28) ashton kutcher
29) jim carrey (but only if he happened to be coming out of 7/11 with an oversized beverage in his hand)
30-36) paula deen, barefoot contessa, bobby flay, alton brown, guy fieri, and sandra lee (for heidi)
37-38) joe montana and jerry rice (playing catch across traffic on either side of the street)
39) phil donahue
40) garth brooks
41-44) p diddy, puff daddy, sean combs
45) a hockey player (i probably have run into lots of hockey players on the street and didn't know it because hockey is unimportant. i was going to use the name of a real hockey player, but the only one i could think of wayne gretzky and that seemed rather pointless)
46) john madden ("thanks for letting your name be used on one of the only video games of the modern era that i have ever enjoyed playing. the buffalo bills on madden 92 are unstoppable.")
47) james taylor (i'd get my picture taken with him and have him sign it for my mom)
48) chuck adomitis (see above, but for my wife)
49-50) mike and mike in the morning (i have woken up with them every morning for the last year + and though i don't really like them that much, they serve a special function in my day to day routine)
51) paul mccartney
52) chris collinsworth
53-57) band of horses (me - "hey, we used your song 'the funeral' for our wedding. thanks!" them - "we made tons of money of that song for commercials and tv soundtracks. you owe us 3,000 dollars." me - "sorry. but seriously, your music is incindiary." them - "are you really quoting 'almost famous' at us right now? you lose all listening priveleges." me - "bummer... well, see you later.")
58) matt groening ('the simpsons' deserves respect)
59) jon stewart
60) stephen colbert
61) van morrison
62) hulk hogan
63-64) robert plant and jimmy page
65) will ferrell (please make a good movie again)
66) judd apatow (thanks for freaks and geeks... and the other stuff too)
67-70) john mccain, barak obama, joe biden and sarah palin (let's settle this once and for all... on the street!)
71) the creator of street fighter (who provided me with a wonderful mental image of how the above showdown would look: sarah palin as chun li, john mccain as guile, barak obama as dhalism and joe biden as zangief)
72-98) the entire 25-man roster and manager joe maddon of the 2008 tampa bay rays who have brought me great joy by making my dark horse prediction come true. (obviously i'm running out of people to put on this list. not because it's hard to think of people i would rather meet on the street than ellen degeneres, but because i'm getting tired of this. the list is not hard to come up with. it could be anybody. that's the point. think of a name of a famous person, any famous person, and i would rather meet him/her than ellen degeneres. phil collins.))
99) phil collins
100) portia de rossi (the wife/mate/life partner/whatever of ellen degeneres. just so i could say to her, "hey, next time you see ellen, let her know that i would rather run into you and 99 other people more than her." that will get her.)
listening to baseball is far superior to watching it on television. i love broadcaster's voices. something about listening to the game on the crackin' AM radio just makes me happy. i grew up without cable, so whenver i wanted to catch my san fran giants, it was to the radio in the garage where i would sit on this bench and listen to jon miller and mike krukow serenade angels to come down from heaven (hyperbole?) oh, and by the way, the rays are going to world series and will lose to the dodgers. i have to ride the rays (remember that i picked them as my darkhorse BEFORE the season) and they have to make it as far as the rockies did last year so that i can feel at least equal to kevin. if they win a single game in the world series then kevin owes me a pumpkin ale.
the other night i sat at a table with heidi, heather, annie and cheryle and listened to them talk about how funny ellen degeneres is. ellen degeneres is not funny. these women couldn't understand how i could possibly not be an ellen fan. simply stating that i have testicles would have been enough to settle the argument, but i insisted that there are 100 people i would rather run into on a street corner than ellen degeneres. this shouldn't be too hard. let's go
1) kelsey grammer (frasier is a great show that i am appreciating more and more recently. and i won't comment on every person, don't worry)
2-6) the cast of saved by the bell minus screech (who i have seen at a bar and was a complete tool) and mr. belding, who i also met and was the greatest human being to ever live.
7) george w. bush
8-9) bill simmons and manny ramirez at the same time.
10) alex trebek
11) bill murray (but only if i could be guaranteed that he would actually be nice to me)
12) will clark (my favorite baseball player of all time. over 170 cards in plastic sleeves located in my parents' attic supports this statement)
13) larry david
14) chuck klosterman
15) michael j fox (i'd probably say something like, "too bad you can't go back in time and change your genetic code to make sure you don't get parkinson's disease." then i'd feel really bad for making such an inappropriate comment and say something like, "i wish i could go back in time and not make that last comment.")
16-19) mark driscoll, john piper, matt chandler and tim keller (all in one room, talking about theology and stuff. i'd just sit in the corner and smile)
20) marvin lewis (later i would be charged with assault for knocking his front two teeth out with my forehead).
21) the dog whisperer guy (make my dog not crazy!)
22) conan o'brien
23) david lynch
24) wes anderson
25) dusty baker ("man, why did you give russ ortiz the game ball in game six of the 2002 world series? that was a big mistake.")
26) scott spezio (another assault charge on my record)
27) michael c. hall (who would have thought that a gay funeral director and a serial killer could be so cool?)
28) ashton kutcher
29) jim carrey (but only if he happened to be coming out of 7/11 with an oversized beverage in his hand)
30-36) paula deen, barefoot contessa, bobby flay, alton brown, guy fieri, and sandra lee (for heidi)
37-38) joe montana and jerry rice (playing catch across traffic on either side of the street)
39) phil donahue
40) garth brooks
41-44) p diddy, puff daddy, sean combs
45) a hockey player (i probably have run into lots of hockey players on the street and didn't know it because hockey is unimportant. i was going to use the name of a real hockey player, but the only one i could think of wayne gretzky and that seemed rather pointless)
46) john madden ("thanks for letting your name be used on one of the only video games of the modern era that i have ever enjoyed playing. the buffalo bills on madden 92 are unstoppable.")
47) james taylor (i'd get my picture taken with him and have him sign it for my mom)
48) chuck adomitis (see above, but for my wife)
49-50) mike and mike in the morning (i have woken up with them every morning for the last year + and though i don't really like them that much, they serve a special function in my day to day routine)
51) paul mccartney
52) chris collinsworth
53-57) band of horses (me - "hey, we used your song 'the funeral' for our wedding. thanks!" them - "we made tons of money of that song for commercials and tv soundtracks. you owe us 3,000 dollars." me - "sorry. but seriously, your music is incindiary." them - "are you really quoting 'almost famous' at us right now? you lose all listening priveleges." me - "bummer... well, see you later.")
58) matt groening ('the simpsons' deserves respect)
59) jon stewart
60) stephen colbert
61) van morrison
62) hulk hogan
63-64) robert plant and jimmy page
65) will ferrell (please make a good movie again)
66) judd apatow (thanks for freaks and geeks... and the other stuff too)
67-70) john mccain, barak obama, joe biden and sarah palin (let's settle this once and for all... on the street!)
71) the creator of street fighter (who provided me with a wonderful mental image of how the above showdown would look: sarah palin as chun li, john mccain as guile, barak obama as dhalism and joe biden as zangief)
72-98) the entire 25-man roster and manager joe maddon of the 2008 tampa bay rays who have brought me great joy by making my dark horse prediction come true. (obviously i'm running out of people to put on this list. not because it's hard to think of people i would rather meet on the street than ellen degeneres, but because i'm getting tired of this. the list is not hard to come up with. it could be anybody. that's the point. think of a name of a famous person, any famous person, and i would rather meet him/her than ellen degeneres. phil collins.))
99) phil collins
100) portia de rossi (the wife/mate/life partner/whatever of ellen degeneres. just so i could say to her, "hey, next time you see ellen, let her know that i would rather run into you and 99 other people more than her." that will get her.)
Monday, September 22, 2008
good and... not so much
over the weekend i was texting heidi while flipping some burgers for the in-laws. at one point my father-in-law looks at me and says: "you're really fast at that."
in case you missed what just happened, my father-in-law (who is a man's man - you know, guns, knives, fishing, builds and fixes stuff, loves meat, etc) complimented me on my texting ability and speed. you can imagine the pride i felt in that moment (sarcasm).
things that i'm real good at:
texting: the day i discovered t9 was one of the most revolutionary days in my lifetime. the world may never know what i could do with a blackberry or a sidekick. i can text with my right or left hand. i can text using both hands. i can text while i'm driving like it's nobody's business. i don't even have to look much of the time.
drinking liquids: whether it be a can of pbr or a big glass of water, i can drink a beverage faster than you. i am sure of this. a lot of people think they can drink a can of beer really quickly, but a lot of people have been proven wrong and put to shame. i can drink hot liquids really fast as well, but not as fast.
sleep: each night i fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. each morning i wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. throughout the course of any given night i will sleep the whole night through. i hear all these people talking - "i couldn't sleep at all last night...", "i kept waking up last night...", "i woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...". i have no idea what these people are talking about. heidi wakes up at least 14 times per night to go pee (tmi?). the only reason i know this is because she tells me about it the next morning. i am good at sleeping. i wish it was my job. if it were my job, i would probably be up for a promotion.
driving: i have been in a few accidents, but none of them were my fault, and it's been a long time since it happened. i haven't received a ticket for more than two years. i have been driving a car for 12.5 years (it hurts to type that). i feel safe when i am driving, and i think my passengers do as well. i have surprisingly quick reflexes while driving (not so much outside of an automobile). i drive a stick (speaking of, how can you not know how to drive a stick? there will come a day when the security and safety of the world depends of you driving a stick-shift somewhere to complete some task that will inevitably result in the fate of the world. you're telling me that you are willing to risk the destruction of the world on you not being able to drive a manual transmission? all because you are too lazy to shift gears... automatics are for lazy, undisciplined, unthoughtful and generally evil people who don't care about anybody but themselves.)
playing dead: heidi and i play this game where she "kills me" somehow. i then lay there, playing dead, while she tries to figure out how to "bring me back to life" (examples include: finger in the ear, pushing a certain "button" on my belly, saying something ridiculous that would bring a dead person back to life). i can play dead for hours. as long as heidi doesn't cheat and tickle me (so against the rules) i suppose i can play dead for days.
predicting the tampa bay rays accent to greatness this season: magic number is two for clinching the AL east. who could have seen this coming? oh yeah, that's right - me!
things that i'm not so good at:
eating appropriate portions of food: however much food is put on my plate for a given meal, that much food will be eaten. last night we went to the red lobster for a bday dinner for the mother-in-law. endless shrimp? bad idea. i can't help it. i eat food. all these people get chipotle or thai express or something and eat half or less and then save the other half for a later meal. i can't do this. if a plate of 46hot dogs was placed in front of me, damned if i'm not going to make myself sick trying to eat them all. pizza is the worst. don't even get me started.
daily exercise regimen: heidi wakes up each day and automatically goes for a run of several miles. i wake up each morning and contemplate whether i am actually going to run or not. then i put on my shoes and start on a run. at every possible turn i consider heading home and throwing in the towel. if i have to be at work any earlier than 9 am, then chances are that i am talking myself out of a run that morning. if it's raining, too cold, too hot, my ankle hurts, my shorts are in the dryer, the shoes are on the porch and thus would be too cold to put on my feet and spiders may have taken up residence over night, i'm taking the morning off and feeling completely justified in my decision.
politics: i just don't get it. i have no idea who i'm supposed to vote for. i don't believe anybody, while at the same time, believing everything each side says. heidi's dad is really into politics and watches foxnews all the time. when he talks to me about politics i find myself thinking, "that's a great point. that is the smartest thing i have ever heard in my life. how could anybody ever think universal health care is a good idea..." i don't know. i feel like i should care, but i just don't.
wardrobe decision-making for my wife: i'm sitting on the couch, ready to go to fill-in-the-blank activity and my wife comes out of the bedroom and says, "which shoes look better, the cowboy boots or the black heels?" "which sweater should i wear, the brown one or the white one?" i never know what to say, but i make some sort of decision based on some sort of criteria in my mind. invariably, whichever choice i make verbal will lead to her choosing the opposite. "wear the black ones" is responded to with a "i think i'll wear the boots." "i don't know, the brown one?" gets a "the white one looks better." i can't win. i'm no good at this.
coming up with interesting and relevant things to talk about on this blog: i'm sorry. this whole thing was derived from my father-in-law making fun of my texting. and it has turned into this. i wish i had something interesting to write about, like organic farming, physics, antique furniture restoration, or civil war history. maybe next time.
in case you missed what just happened, my father-in-law (who is a man's man - you know, guns, knives, fishing, builds and fixes stuff, loves meat, etc) complimented me on my texting ability and speed. you can imagine the pride i felt in that moment (sarcasm).
things that i'm real good at:
texting: the day i discovered t9 was one of the most revolutionary days in my lifetime. the world may never know what i could do with a blackberry or a sidekick. i can text with my right or left hand. i can text using both hands. i can text while i'm driving like it's nobody's business. i don't even have to look much of the time.
drinking liquids: whether it be a can of pbr or a big glass of water, i can drink a beverage faster than you. i am sure of this. a lot of people think they can drink a can of beer really quickly, but a lot of people have been proven wrong and put to shame. i can drink hot liquids really fast as well, but not as fast.
sleep: each night i fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. each morning i wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. throughout the course of any given night i will sleep the whole night through. i hear all these people talking - "i couldn't sleep at all last night...", "i kept waking up last night...", "i woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...". i have no idea what these people are talking about. heidi wakes up at least 14 times per night to go pee (tmi?). the only reason i know this is because she tells me about it the next morning. i am good at sleeping. i wish it was my job. if it were my job, i would probably be up for a promotion.
driving: i have been in a few accidents, but none of them were my fault, and it's been a long time since it happened. i haven't received a ticket for more than two years. i have been driving a car for 12.5 years (it hurts to type that). i feel safe when i am driving, and i think my passengers do as well. i have surprisingly quick reflexes while driving (not so much outside of an automobile). i drive a stick (speaking of, how can you not know how to drive a stick? there will come a day when the security and safety of the world depends of you driving a stick-shift somewhere to complete some task that will inevitably result in the fate of the world. you're telling me that you are willing to risk the destruction of the world on you not being able to drive a manual transmission? all because you are too lazy to shift gears... automatics are for lazy, undisciplined, unthoughtful and generally evil people who don't care about anybody but themselves.)
playing dead: heidi and i play this game where she "kills me" somehow. i then lay there, playing dead, while she tries to figure out how to "bring me back to life" (examples include: finger in the ear, pushing a certain "button" on my belly, saying something ridiculous that would bring a dead person back to life). i can play dead for hours. as long as heidi doesn't cheat and tickle me (so against the rules) i suppose i can play dead for days.
predicting the tampa bay rays accent to greatness this season: magic number is two for clinching the AL east. who could have seen this coming? oh yeah, that's right - me!
things that i'm not so good at:
eating appropriate portions of food: however much food is put on my plate for a given meal, that much food will be eaten. last night we went to the red lobster for a bday dinner for the mother-in-law. endless shrimp? bad idea. i can't help it. i eat food. all these people get chipotle or thai express or something and eat half or less and then save the other half for a later meal. i can't do this. if a plate of 46hot dogs was placed in front of me, damned if i'm not going to make myself sick trying to eat them all. pizza is the worst. don't even get me started.
daily exercise regimen: heidi wakes up each day and automatically goes for a run of several miles. i wake up each morning and contemplate whether i am actually going to run or not. then i put on my shoes and start on a run. at every possible turn i consider heading home and throwing in the towel. if i have to be at work any earlier than 9 am, then chances are that i am talking myself out of a run that morning. if it's raining, too cold, too hot, my ankle hurts, my shorts are in the dryer, the shoes are on the porch and thus would be too cold to put on my feet and spiders may have taken up residence over night, i'm taking the morning off and feeling completely justified in my decision.
politics: i just don't get it. i have no idea who i'm supposed to vote for. i don't believe anybody, while at the same time, believing everything each side says. heidi's dad is really into politics and watches foxnews all the time. when he talks to me about politics i find myself thinking, "that's a great point. that is the smartest thing i have ever heard in my life. how could anybody ever think universal health care is a good idea..." i don't know. i feel like i should care, but i just don't.
wardrobe decision-making for my wife: i'm sitting on the couch, ready to go to fill-in-the-blank activity and my wife comes out of the bedroom and says, "which shoes look better, the cowboy boots or the black heels?" "which sweater should i wear, the brown one or the white one?" i never know what to say, but i make some sort of decision based on some sort of criteria in my mind. invariably, whichever choice i make verbal will lead to her choosing the opposite. "wear the black ones" is responded to with a "i think i'll wear the boots." "i don't know, the brown one?" gets a "the white one looks better." i can't win. i'm no good at this.
coming up with interesting and relevant things to talk about on this blog: i'm sorry. this whole thing was derived from my father-in-law making fun of my texting. and it has turned into this. i wish i had something interesting to write about, like organic farming, physics, antique furniture restoration, or civil war history. maybe next time.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
football? i guess...
tom brady is done for the season.
shawne merriman is done for the season.
alex smith is probably done for good.
vince young may or may not be done for good (literally).
the niners are terrible. the bengals are terrible (really, really terrible). the chargers looked alright, but the panthers looked better.
what's going on here? if you don't recognize these names, then i guess you don't really care... but guess who does care? that's right, i do. i care about men whom i will never meet. i care about men who are paid millions of dollars to play a game.
i love sports. i spend a considerable amount of time watching, reading about, listening to others talk about (sports talk radio is an obsession that i do not understand. i just love listening to people talk while i drive. i have become my dad), thinking about, talking about, and now, writing about sports.
i'm writing here without a script. without a direction, so forgive me while i search for the next thing to type(did i really just type that? i could just have easily thought to myself, without typing my thoughts as they come to me).
i will be at a wedding on saturday night. this means i will not be watching the buckeyes and trojans do their thing. this is tragic.
watching football on the west coast is way better than the east coast. wake up in the morning, eat some breakfast, and start watching football. it's awesome. watch a couple of games, run outside and play catch for an hour, and then get ready for the night game (which gets over before midnight, a novel concept).
my fantasy football team is terrible. carson palmer? braylon edwards? thanks guys. thanks for showing up last week.
i feel really sorry for alex smith. poor guy was drafted first by the niners, but in any other year he would have lasted until the second round. the niners talked themselves into the guy, and then had to give him a load of cash to try and learn how to play quarterback on the big stage. he didn't really get it. he has thrown 31 interceptions compared to only 19 touchdowns during his four years in the NFL. before breaking his shoulder last week, he had been relegated to the backup of a man named jt o'sullivan. that hurts. and now he's done. all those expectations, all those hopes, placed on a kid from utah... kids from utah are supposed to ride bikes and drink milk... not become superstar quarterbacks (is that prejudiced and a stereotype?)
i don't feel bad for vince young. i suppose i should. he's out of his damn mind. he is being booed by the fans at his home. that's like coming home from a long day at work and having your wife and kids mock your haircut, car, wardrobe and lack of ability to provide for the family. but vince young is a tool. i have never liked him (i guess the performance against USC for the national title has something to do with that).
do you understand what just happened in the last two paragraphs? i stated that i like and feel sorry for one 20-something athletic millionaire while at the same time mocking and holding disdain for another. why do i do this? why do any of us do this? why do i care about sports? why must i always make my opinion known? i respect and like people who share the same opinions and preferences as i, while lacking any regard for those who do not. i don't really understand what it is, and i'm not sure if i like it, but it's what i do, and apparently, i write about the fact that i do it. i feel like there is something that is supposed to be said here... some greater meaning or existential discovery to be made, i just can't quite put my finger on it...
i love football. i'm glad it's back.
shawne merriman is done for the season.
alex smith is probably done for good.
vince young may or may not be done for good (literally).
the niners are terrible. the bengals are terrible (really, really terrible). the chargers looked alright, but the panthers looked better.
what's going on here? if you don't recognize these names, then i guess you don't really care... but guess who does care? that's right, i do. i care about men whom i will never meet. i care about men who are paid millions of dollars to play a game.
i love sports. i spend a considerable amount of time watching, reading about, listening to others talk about (sports talk radio is an obsession that i do not understand. i just love listening to people talk while i drive. i have become my dad), thinking about, talking about, and now, writing about sports.
i'm writing here without a script. without a direction, so forgive me while i search for the next thing to type(did i really just type that? i could just have easily thought to myself, without typing my thoughts as they come to me).
i will be at a wedding on saturday night. this means i will not be watching the buckeyes and trojans do their thing. this is tragic.
watching football on the west coast is way better than the east coast. wake up in the morning, eat some breakfast, and start watching football. it's awesome. watch a couple of games, run outside and play catch for an hour, and then get ready for the night game (which gets over before midnight, a novel concept).
my fantasy football team is terrible. carson palmer? braylon edwards? thanks guys. thanks for showing up last week.
i feel really sorry for alex smith. poor guy was drafted first by the niners, but in any other year he would have lasted until the second round. the niners talked themselves into the guy, and then had to give him a load of cash to try and learn how to play quarterback on the big stage. he didn't really get it. he has thrown 31 interceptions compared to only 19 touchdowns during his four years in the NFL. before breaking his shoulder last week, he had been relegated to the backup of a man named jt o'sullivan. that hurts. and now he's done. all those expectations, all those hopes, placed on a kid from utah... kids from utah are supposed to ride bikes and drink milk... not become superstar quarterbacks (is that prejudiced and a stereotype?)
i don't feel bad for vince young. i suppose i should. he's out of his damn mind. he is being booed by the fans at his home. that's like coming home from a long day at work and having your wife and kids mock your haircut, car, wardrobe and lack of ability to provide for the family. but vince young is a tool. i have never liked him (i guess the performance against USC for the national title has something to do with that).
do you understand what just happened in the last two paragraphs? i stated that i like and feel sorry for one 20-something athletic millionaire while at the same time mocking and holding disdain for another. why do i do this? why do any of us do this? why do i care about sports? why must i always make my opinion known? i respect and like people who share the same opinions and preferences as i, while lacking any regard for those who do not. i don't really understand what it is, and i'm not sure if i like it, but it's what i do, and apparently, i write about the fact that i do it. i feel like there is something that is supposed to be said here... some greater meaning or existential discovery to be made, i just can't quite put my finger on it...
i love football. i'm glad it's back.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
without the letter "J"
my computer isn't working, so i am borrowing the parent-in-laws. the letter that comes between "i" and "k" in the english alphabet is broken on the keyboard, so i might have to get creative. no "first letter of my first name" in this post. do you know how annoying it is to log onto email, blog, myspace, etc., when a prominent letter in both username and password is disabled?
+ the tampa bay rays have secured a winning record for the first time in the history of the organization. the tampa bay rays sit atop the AL east, widely acknowledged as the toughest division in baseball, with the boston red sox and new york yankees looking up and looking at their bloated salary figures wondering, "what the hell?" the tampa bay rays will make the postseason for the first time in team history. i bring all of this to your attention for the mere reason that i can say, "i told you so." that's right. i'm on record, months before the season even began as calling the tampa bay rays as my official dark horse candidate. i win.
+ i planned on writing a big-old thing about "the wire," which the lady and i just finished (season 5 - the last season), but then i stumbled upon a "stuff white people like" article, which made me feel pretty silly. i have said it before, and i will say it to every single person who allows me the chance to say it again. that show will blow your mind. i have never seen anything like it. watch it. you're an idiot if you don't.
+ last weekend the father-in-law and i went down to southern kentucky and did some fishing and camping. took the dogs, the fishing poles and a mess of fattening foods. it was a good time. neither of us had a watch, so we took timeouts from normal discussion at least 8 times a day to discuss "what time do you think it is?" normally we would look at the sun's position in the sky or attempt to gage the time based on how tired we were at night, or how hungry we were. why did we do this? not sure, but there is some strange compulsion to know what time it is. one would think it would be liberating to be free from the constraints of time, but when you're outside of it's reach, life is strange and unfamiliar.
+ so far i haven't had too much issue with this whole "not using the letter 'j' thing. i guess not many words are stuck with that cumbersome letter. let's get rid of it all together. from now on, call me 'ustin'
+ apparently donald miller and barack obama are good buddies and miller gave the convocation at the dem. nat. conv. if you know who donald miller is, then you might find this interesting. i'm getting a little caught up in this politics stuff right now. it's on par with the olympics for me. i only wish that it only happened once ever four years like the olympics. wait... that's not right.
+ kevin isn't coming to cincinnati out of protest that none of us come to visit him in chicago... nice move buddy. that will work out well for you. you missed the celebrity of russell vance on his way out town last night.
+ i don't know what it is that labor day celebrates. i assume that it has something to do with the end of the summer and some sort of harvest that allowed for farmers to take a day of rest and celebrate, but i could be wrong. we should cease all holidays, observances, and practices that are related to archaic farming traditions and habits. day light saving time? no longer necessary.
+ brandon stockman wrote a delightful running diary of the dem. nat. conv. you can check that out on the links on this page to the right.
+ i'm reading a book entitled "the complete husband" by lou priolo. again, i am made aware that i am not perfect. these reminders are good. once you realize that every fight/disagreement/misunderstanding is actually not all the fault of your wife, things become much more sensible and fun.
+ my dog calvin keep escaping from the backyard. i have tried to reinforce the fence in several areas and i keep thinking that i have finally established my brilliance/dominance over this inferior k-9, but he keeps running to the front door with a big grin on his face and his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. i'm beginning to resent his intelligence and question my own.
+ i talked to my friend osh (first letter missing) carstensen last night. he called me from korea. for some reason, talking to someone and knowing they are in another country is way more exciting than talking to that same someone when they are in another city or another state.
+ watched four hours of season four of entourage last night. that show makes me laugh and feeds the inner "i want to be famous" sentiment that i believe all of us have. i can't tell you what happened in the show though, because nothing happens in that show. it's all fluff and that's what i like most about it.
+ did i mention that i picked the tampa bay rays are my dark horse team this year? (kevin told me that i am not propping myself nearly enough for this accomplishment and i realize that he is correct)
+ heidi is working way too much this weekend and i haven't hung out with her at all. that's dumb.
+ the tampa bay rays have secured a winning record for the first time in the history of the organization. the tampa bay rays sit atop the AL east, widely acknowledged as the toughest division in baseball, with the boston red sox and new york yankees looking up and looking at their bloated salary figures wondering, "what the hell?" the tampa bay rays will make the postseason for the first time in team history. i bring all of this to your attention for the mere reason that i can say, "i told you so." that's right. i'm on record, months before the season even began as calling the tampa bay rays as my official dark horse candidate. i win.
+ i planned on writing a big-old thing about "the wire," which the lady and i just finished (season 5 - the last season), but then i stumbled upon a "stuff white people like" article, which made me feel pretty silly. i have said it before, and i will say it to every single person who allows me the chance to say it again. that show will blow your mind. i have never seen anything like it. watch it. you're an idiot if you don't.
+ last weekend the father-in-law and i went down to southern kentucky and did some fishing and camping. took the dogs, the fishing poles and a mess of fattening foods. it was a good time. neither of us had a watch, so we took timeouts from normal discussion at least 8 times a day to discuss "what time do you think it is?" normally we would look at the sun's position in the sky or attempt to gage the time based on how tired we were at night, or how hungry we were. why did we do this? not sure, but there is some strange compulsion to know what time it is. one would think it would be liberating to be free from the constraints of time, but when you're outside of it's reach, life is strange and unfamiliar.
+ so far i haven't had too much issue with this whole "not using the letter 'j' thing. i guess not many words are stuck with that cumbersome letter. let's get rid of it all together. from now on, call me 'ustin'
+ apparently donald miller and barack obama are good buddies and miller gave the convocation at the dem. nat. conv. if you know who donald miller is, then you might find this interesting. i'm getting a little caught up in this politics stuff right now. it's on par with the olympics for me. i only wish that it only happened once ever four years like the olympics. wait... that's not right.
+ kevin isn't coming to cincinnati out of protest that none of us come to visit him in chicago... nice move buddy. that will work out well for you. you missed the celebrity of russell vance on his way out town last night.
+ i don't know what it is that labor day celebrates. i assume that it has something to do with the end of the summer and some sort of harvest that allowed for farmers to take a day of rest and celebrate, but i could be wrong. we should cease all holidays, observances, and practices that are related to archaic farming traditions and habits. day light saving time? no longer necessary.
+ brandon stockman wrote a delightful running diary of the dem. nat. conv. you can check that out on the links on this page to the right.
+ i'm reading a book entitled "the complete husband" by lou priolo. again, i am made aware that i am not perfect. these reminders are good. once you realize that every fight/disagreement/misunderstanding is actually not all the fault of your wife, things become much more sensible and fun.
+ my dog calvin keep escaping from the backyard. i have tried to reinforce the fence in several areas and i keep thinking that i have finally established my brilliance/dominance over this inferior k-9, but he keeps running to the front door with a big grin on his face and his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. i'm beginning to resent his intelligence and question my own.
+ i talked to my friend osh (first letter missing) carstensen last night. he called me from korea. for some reason, talking to someone and knowing they are in another country is way more exciting than talking to that same someone when they are in another city or another state.
+ watched four hours of season four of entourage last night. that show makes me laugh and feeds the inner "i want to be famous" sentiment that i believe all of us have. i can't tell you what happened in the show though, because nothing happens in that show. it's all fluff and that's what i like most about it.
+ did i mention that i picked the tampa bay rays are my dark horse team this year? (kevin told me that i am not propping myself nearly enough for this accomplishment and i realize that he is correct)
+ heidi is working way too much this weekend and i haven't hung out with her at all. that's dumb.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
back to school
i've been talking with a lot of kids over the past week about the most loved and most hated time of year: back to school, and it got me thinking about this all-together strange and wonderful time of year. in my younger days, i would spend all summer playing all hours of the day and into the late evening (until my mother would yell for us to come in). and then sometime toward late august the inevitable would arrive. the fun would come to an end. i would dread, yet anticipate with great excitement, the first day of school. somehow, sitting here now, years removed from my last "back to school" experience i can only long for those days of excitment and uncertainty. here's a list of things that are circling 'round in my big over-sized head:
+ back to school shopping. every year my family would visit my aunt and uncle in an unanamed large city in california and go back to school shopping. attending a small school in a small town, this experience put me miles ahead of my peers when it came to the latest fashions. entering my 7th grade year, i arrived at school sporting the following: no fear shirt, vans slip-ons, levi silvertabs a miami hurricanes hat positioned just right on my head so i could barely see the bill when i fixed my eyes upward, and a jansport backpack. none of the other kids had this stuff. they were wearing bugle boy, BUM equipment, and, if they were lucky, quicksilver, but nobody measured up to the level of cool i displayed. i give credit to my cousin travis, who, growing up in a big city, was influenced by the latest trends and passed them on to me. i was a god. add in my fresh 'bowl cut' haircut and there was no stopping me.
+ syllabi. this is one of my favorite plural words. when you get to college and the professor hands out the syllabus, there is nothing more daunting and exhillerating than perusing through the details of this document. the assignments, the required reading, the recommended reading (never touched it), the due dates, the planned professor absences that meant you could sleep in on a random tuesday... by the end of the first week you knew exactly what the next four months of your life would look like. i need a syllabus given to me quarterly so my life can make sense again.
+ the night before the first day. did you lay your clothes out on your floor the night before the big day? was your lunch already made (pb&j, doritos, oreos, granny smith apple and capri sun)? because i did. i still lay my clothes out the night before a big day (job interview, wedding, superbowl). i need more of these days in my life. more excuses to fret over what i will look like. christmas eve is the only night that compares. the jitters. the anticipation.
+ comparing summer stories. there's always the rich kids who's parents took them to disneyland or some magical out-of-state place like scottsdale, arizona. various summer camp stories. hook ups and break ups. back in the day, we didn't have cell phones or myspace so when you wrote in a classmate's yearbook on the last day of school, it was assured that you would not see him or her for a good three months unless they lived in your neighborhood. travis faulkner used to always make up stories about where he went that summer, but his mom worked at my elementary school, so we would find out pretty quickly that travis did not in fact travel to argentina that summer to hunt crocodiles and rattle snakes.
+ new television programming. summer was chock full of reruns to the point that it's not even worth watching (not that we ever wanted to anyway... we had rivers to swim in, bikes to ride and blackberries to eat). but the new school year brought season and series premieres, and the promise of football beginning and baseball concluding.
+ new teachers. new kids in school. new prospects. i geuss it's just the newness of it all. the uncertainty. how many times in your life does everything seem so new and wild with possibilities. "this year is going to be the best ever." it never lives up to the hype, but for that day, for that week, we can believe that this year is going to be different. this year is going to be the one that changes everything.
now if you excuse me, i have hours of saved by the bell and the oc to watch.
+ back to school shopping. every year my family would visit my aunt and uncle in an unanamed large city in california and go back to school shopping. attending a small school in a small town, this experience put me miles ahead of my peers when it came to the latest fashions. entering my 7th grade year, i arrived at school sporting the following: no fear shirt, vans slip-ons, levi silvertabs a miami hurricanes hat positioned just right on my head so i could barely see the bill when i fixed my eyes upward, and a jansport backpack. none of the other kids had this stuff. they were wearing bugle boy, BUM equipment, and, if they were lucky, quicksilver, but nobody measured up to the level of cool i displayed. i give credit to my cousin travis, who, growing up in a big city, was influenced by the latest trends and passed them on to me. i was a god. add in my fresh 'bowl cut' haircut and there was no stopping me.
+ syllabi. this is one of my favorite plural words. when you get to college and the professor hands out the syllabus, there is nothing more daunting and exhillerating than perusing through the details of this document. the assignments, the required reading, the recommended reading (never touched it), the due dates, the planned professor absences that meant you could sleep in on a random tuesday... by the end of the first week you knew exactly what the next four months of your life would look like. i need a syllabus given to me quarterly so my life can make sense again.
+ the night before the first day. did you lay your clothes out on your floor the night before the big day? was your lunch already made (pb&j, doritos, oreos, granny smith apple and capri sun)? because i did. i still lay my clothes out the night before a big day (job interview, wedding, superbowl). i need more of these days in my life. more excuses to fret over what i will look like. christmas eve is the only night that compares. the jitters. the anticipation.
+ comparing summer stories. there's always the rich kids who's parents took them to disneyland or some magical out-of-state place like scottsdale, arizona. various summer camp stories. hook ups and break ups. back in the day, we didn't have cell phones or myspace so when you wrote in a classmate's yearbook on the last day of school, it was assured that you would not see him or her for a good three months unless they lived in your neighborhood. travis faulkner used to always make up stories about where he went that summer, but his mom worked at my elementary school, so we would find out pretty quickly that travis did not in fact travel to argentina that summer to hunt crocodiles and rattle snakes.
+ new television programming. summer was chock full of reruns to the point that it's not even worth watching (not that we ever wanted to anyway... we had rivers to swim in, bikes to ride and blackberries to eat). but the new school year brought season and series premieres, and the promise of football beginning and baseball concluding.
+ new teachers. new kids in school. new prospects. i geuss it's just the newness of it all. the uncertainty. how many times in your life does everything seem so new and wild with possibilities. "this year is going to be the best ever." it never lives up to the hype, but for that day, for that week, we can believe that this year is going to be different. this year is going to be the one that changes everything.
now if you excuse me, i have hours of saved by the bell and the oc to watch.
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