this is jeopardy!

The Limits of Love

2011-01-29T16:48:00.005-05:00

They say that love will make a man do crazy things.

How else would you explain why The Proclaimers would walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 miles more, just to be with a loved one. 500 miles is an incredible distance to walk, unless compared to the distance Forrest Gump covered during his 3 year, 2 month, 14 day and 16 hour run across The United States a few times.

The idea of love causing people to do crazy (read: stupid) things is well-chronicled in song, film, television, literature, and life.

According to researchers at the University of London, falling in love "causes serotonin levels in the brain to drop, causing obsession. Then it increases production of cortisol, a stress hormone that causes high blood pressure and potential loss of sleep. And to make matters worse, when we look at our new loves, the neural circuits that control social judgment are suppressed. Which explains why sometimes other people can see things we can't when we're 'blinded by love.'"

Yes, love makes people nuts.

Bruno Mars has a problem. Not only does he have a complete inability to record a song that isn't completely terrible, he is in an abusive relationship. He is in love with a crazy broad who doesn't appreciate the lengths to which he will go to show his love for her. Not only is Bruno "black and blue" from the physical beatings this woman routinely inflicts on him, but he also might have to "catch a grenade," "throw his hand on the blade," "jump in front of a train," and "take a bullet right through my brain" for this lady. I don't know where Bruno resides, but the dangers that he potentially faces seem very hazardous to his health. In my neighborhood, there is a potential to get mugged, stabbed, shot, or beat up, but I am not in imminent fear of having grenades thrown at me by Nazis, or being assailed by samurai-yielding ninjas. Perhaps Bruno lives in a rougher neighborhood than I do, but it is more likely that Bruno is living in some industrial-age, post-apocalyptic dimension where trains are still the primary mode of transport and travel.

The thing of it is, that Bruno knows better. As he says at the beginning, "Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss had your eyes wide open. Why was they open?" Not only is keeping one's eyes open during a kiss incredibly creepy, but it is indicative of poor moral fiber. How else can you explain a person who would watch another person "burn up in flames" if his "body was on fire."

I just don't think he is going to make it. While he successfully navigated a crew of mocking Latin gang members, a taunting homeless man, and disapproving clergy while pulling a piano, I just don't see this working out for the young man in the long run.

Bryan Adams was in love. Bryan was so into his girl, that "Everything" he did, he did it for her. That's some kind of love. Bryan also explored the lengths to which he would go for his love, and pronounced that not only would he fight for her, lie for her, walk the wire for her, but he would even die for her. While I have no idea what it means to "walk the wire" for someone, it seems like a considerable effort with real possibility of danger. What would possess Bryan Adams to declare intent to die for another human being? Once again, love is the culprit, and the cause of a lack of sound reasoning. Unlike Bruno, who seems destined for a life of pain, misery, and loneliness, we know that Bryan (Robin Hood, played by Kevin Costner) did get his girl (Maid Marion) and the two lived happily ever after surrounded by Little John and the rest of the merry men. Would Maid Marion have taken the bait if she wasn't sure of his resolve to die on her behalf? We'll never know, but everything seemed to work out for those two kids, despite Bryan's irrational state-of-mind.

Meatloaf would do "anything" for love. Think about the possibilities of where this could lead a young man. Would Meatloaf eat a jar of mayonnaise in one sitting for love? Would he cut off his own right foot for love? Might he grow huge man-boobs and sign up for an anarchist regime lead by a schizophrenic madmen wreaking havoc on capitalistic America?

Meatloaf, like Bryan and Bruno would do almost anything for love. Almost. Meatloaf would do anything for love, but he won't do that.

Let's consider some of the things that Meatloaf will do for love. He'd "run right into hell and back," He'll "never lie to you (and that's a fact!)." Some nights he loses "the feeling," and some nights he loses "control." But, "As long as the wheels are turning, As long as the fires are burning,As long as your prayers are coming true," he will continue do anything required for love.

Even when presented with specific requests from his girl, Meatloaf doesn't shy from announcing his intent to, "Do that."

Will he raise her up? Help her down? Help get her, "Right out of this Godforsaken town?" Will he make it a little less cold? He can do that!

Will he hold her sacred? Will he hold her tight? Can he colorize her life she's so sick of black and white? Can he make her a little less old? He can do that!

Will he make her some magic, with his own two hands? Can he build an Emerald city with these grains of sand? Can he give her something that she can take home? He can do that!

Will she cater to every fantasy that she's got? Will he hose her down with holy water - if she get's too hot? Will he take her to places that she's never known? He can do that!

But there are some things that he just won't do. He won't just think of this thing as a fling and move on. And he most certainly won't screw around. No, he won't do that!

What would possess Meatloaf to do all of this for love? How can he know that he will be there until the final act? What makes him so ready to take a vow and seal and pact?
It's for love, yes, but more specifically, Meatloaf will, "never forgive myself if we don't go all the way - Tonight."

So what it boils down to is that this guy will say anything to get in this girl's pants tonight. In fact, I question the "love" that any of these fellas has for their significant other. Maybe it's not "love" that makes a man bonkers, but the overwhelming desire to have sex with a woman, leading a rational person to conclude that the entire thing is rather dumb.

The Top Ten Albums of 2010

2010-12-21T12:37:00.002-05:00

#10 - #2: Who cares.

#1: Beach House: Teen Dream

Robin Hood(s)

2010-11-12T18:55:00.004-05:00

Last night, Kevin, Heidi and I watched the new Robin Hood (Well Kevin and I watched it, Heidi just happened to be in the same room where it was being shown for part of the evening). The best part of watching a movie with friends is making fun of the movie, and we certainly had opportunity during this one. While the movie wasn't bad, it is the worst of all Robin Hood movies.

# 1 Disney's Robin Hood is hands-down, the best Robin Hood of all time. I even rank this movie as my favorite Disney film of all time. The reasons why Disney's version is the best are many: Animated animals as human characters is always awesome, I love the voice of Friar Tuck, that Rooster playing the guitar and singing is fantastic, the fair scene when Robin shoots an arrow through another arrow is cinematic gold, and the song, "Robin Hood and Little John running through the forest, hoodalawdy hoodalawdy golly what a day" is a great song, Prince John as a lion, and i love when the whistling song gets stuck in my head.

# 2 Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is so amazing, that I find it hard to come up with the words to describe it. Kevin Costner is impeccable as an Englishman (accent and all) and Morgan Freeman most likely lists this movie as "Number One" on his resume, The combined awesome-ness of Robin and Marian's terrible hair throughout this movie is something to behold, Robin splits an arrow with another arrow, and Bryan Adams sings the greatest song in the history of humanity. During the summer of my 8th grade year, I listened to this song roughly 4,354 times, and vowed that summer, that it was, in fact, true, that if I ever fell in love, I would fight, lie, walk the wire and/or die for my lady. I stand by my commitment.

#3 Robin Hood: Men in Tights is absolutely hilarious. Well, that might be an overstatement, but it's at least mildly funny. I love the fact that it took Mel Brooks about 30 seconds to decide that a parody of "Prince of Thieves" had to be made. Hell, it took the "Scary Movie" guys longer than that to make fun of Scream. This incarnation of Robin Hood is better than the latest one because it features an arrow splitting a tree (watch end of trailer below)/

4) Robin Hood is not a bad movie. It really isn't. Unfortunately, they wait the entire movie to let you know that this is a prequel. This information might have made the movie make more sense. As Kevin and I traded wits and one-liners throughout the movie about the missing fair/archer competition/splitting arrow scene, we eagerly awaited the comforts of the three previous incarnations of Robin Hood, but few were to be found. I mean even Maid Marian's hair wasn't a travesty. The best part of the latest Robin Hood was Old Man Loxley. He ruled. This movie fails to reach epic status because A) It's exactly like Gladiator, only not as good, B) it wasn't ridiculous enough to mock incessantly, and C) it doesn't have a descriptor like "Prince of Thieves" in the title. I include the trailer for this movie, only so you can enjoy Russell Crowe's furrowed brow, which remain so throughout the entire film.

Real Talk

2010-10-27T20:55:00.005-04:00

It's been a dreadfully long time since I have offered up a blog, and it feels like the right time to start throwing some thoughts out for your enjoyment. The last time you heard from me, I was singing along with "Boys II Men" about how hard it is to say farewell, and preparing to move to Chicago.

Well, here it is, almost five months later, and I'm happy to report that I did, in fact, move to Chicago.

It's impossible to report everything that has happened in the past five months, so I won't even try. I have gone from "The College Life" of living in a dorm and eating a 7,000-calorie a day diet of poor cafeteria food, to 12-14 hour days of struggling create lesson plans and maintain some sort of behavior management system to educate students on the South Side of Chicago. In my spare time, I enjoy drinking beer with Kevin, drinking beer with my wife, and drinking beer with other people that I have met in this city (So the 7,000-calorie a day diet has been maintained).

In the time since I last posted, The Reds made the playoffs and promptly were eliminated, while The Giants are currently playing in the World Series since the torturous 2002 Series. The Bengals and terrible, and the 49ers are even more terrible-er. A World Cup happened, and I actually watched a few matches and found myself almost giving a damn about soccer for the first time in my life. Lebron made a decision, and something probably happened in hockey, although everybody couldn't care less.

There has been a disturbing amount of loss in just the past month alone. A current student was killed by a gunshot to his head on a school night because he stepped onto his porch at the wrong time of night. A former student was killed as a result of gang activity and needless violence. One of my co-workers lost her husband (younger than me) to a sudden and unexpected heart complication, and she is now left to deal with the loss of the love her life while trying to raise their one-year old daughter. Meanwhile, Heidi lost her grandfather just this past weekend. October has been a dumb month.

Moving forward, I hope to actually get back to offering my random musings for your reading pleasure. With a wealth of ridiculous slang and teacher stories, I am sure that I can string together a few things of interest. And if not, I am sure I can say a lot of menial things about sports

Goodbye in Spanish is, "Adios."

2010-06-09T16:26:00.005-04:00

I've been saying a lot of goodbyes over the past few weeks. I know that Brian is going to make fun of me for being "too emotional" in this post, but whatever. Just deal with it. I promise to be quick.

I should be able to teach a class in "Goodbye-ology."

Consider that I have lived in the Cincinnati area for 3.5 years, and I've met a lot of people. My job required me to make significant relationships with about 30 kids and their families. Co-workers, friends, family, church folk, etc. You get the point.

You'd think that I would be pretty good at this by now. It's not my first rodeo.

I left my hometown at the age of 22 and said goodbye to my parents and many life-long friends, and youth group kids that I had worked with for three years.

Three years after that I left Los Angeles/Orange County area and said goodbye to many friends, fellow students, co-workers, students that I worked with, etc.

Two years after that I left San Diego and said goodbye new friends once again, old friends, one of my best friends, Duane, who was also the guy I started The Resolved Church with, all the people in the church, a bunch of "foster kids" I worked with, etc.

So here I am again. Saying goodbye to all these people that I have shared my life with. I'm terrible at it. Saying goodbye is when people decide to tell you all the things about how much they appreciate and like you. It feels good, but it's exhausting.

Added to the drama of this move is saying goodbye to a new set of people: My "new" family. I love Heidi's parents a whole bunch, and we have lived next door to them the whole time we have been married. Bonnie and Carl have become my parents, too. And now I have to say goodbye.

Heck, I even had to say goodbye to Heidi yesterday morning at the airport. Sure, she's coming with me this time, but she won't be joining me in Chicago for a month or so. That really sucks.

I'm not good at speaking my feelings on the spot. I'm much better at writing my emotions and sorting everything out. In person, the goodbyes usually feature awkward pauses, strange statements that don't make much sense, forced eye contact even when one or both participants are close to tears, and tenuous handshakes or hugs.

The decision to shake or hug is one of the most difficult moves to commit to in that moment. It's best to go in prepared.

Since I'm no good at it, and since I've had the song stuck in my head for weeks now, I have decided to learn all four vocal harmonies to the following song, and let Boys II Men do the talking for me:

IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

If you can't read, then just watch and listen to this classic performance on the Arsenio show:

The Kid Got Old

2010-06-03T08:29:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure what to do with Ken Griffey Jr. I assume that this isn't a quandary that most face, or are concerned with, but I most certainly am.

I have never been a Griffey Jr. fan. I thought that he bailed on Seattle for more money from Cincinnati and I didn't respect that (Pacific Northwest bias. No need to correct me on the details of the contract and such).

As the guy rides off into the sunset, I have been enjoying the highlights of "The Kid" running into walls and diving around to make great plays. I am impressed by his picture-perfect swing and big grin. We all get wrapped up in these things.

Here's the dilemma in brief:

AGAINST:
1) Every team that Griffey ever played for got significantly better after he left.
2) The whole "falling-asleep-in-the-locker-room" thing doesn't look to good on him (In his defense, I am 10 years younger and I take naps at work all the time).
3) He destroyed the Reds. I liked to call him "The Albatross" when I first moved here and started going to games, because that is what he was for this organization. For a guy who is renowned as being a "good" and "fun-loving" player, how is it that he seemed to be such a poor influence on the young guys here in Cinci? I don't know the answers to these questions.

FOR:
1) Just watch the highlights (especially the Mariners ones). The dude was exciting to watch.
2) Never been associated with steroids. This is a HUGE point. The knock against Griffey has always been that he got injured too much and fell apart when his contemporaries were swinging for the fences and breaking records. What we didn't care to notice was the fact that all of his contemporaries were cramming their bodies full of illegal drugs to avoid injury and breakdown, while Griffey was "doing it the right way." I hope that he never gets busted for HGH. I really do.
3) That smile is pretty snazzy.

So I need a little help. I'm going to let the comments of this post determine the point-of-view I take regarding Ken Griffey Jr. Help me out.

Power Rankings

2010-05-26T09:41:00.001-04:00

I love Power Rankings. For those of you who don't spend hours a week on si.com and espn.com, Power Rankings are subjective lists that "rank" professional sports teams, usually with a small anecdote to follow in order to justify the ranking of the commitee or individual.

I love Power Rankings because they are succinct, to-the-point, and easy to consume (read) in just a few minutes. Perfect! Here are some Power Rankings for a cornocopia of miscellanious topics:

Fast Food Restaurants (Yes, I know that I shouldn't eat fast food, but sometimes I do. And when I do, I have standards)

1. Taco Bell(Cheap, easy to eat while driving, and underrated when it comes to taste)
2. Wendy's (Again, cheap. That's the ticket. The presence of the Frosty on the dollar menu at Wendy's makes this a perennial stop during the warm summer months)
3. Burger King (Flame-Broiled burgers and a delicious BBQ sauce)
4. Arby's (Curly Fries!)
5. McDonalds (If it wasn't for the delicious breakfast offerings, there is no way McDonalds makes this list)

Just missing the cut (mostly because they don't exist in the Midwest): Del Taco, In n' Out, and Carl's Jr.

Breweries (I love beer more than any other thing that I put into my body. Enough said.)

1. Founders (Solid line up from top to bottom. Special brews like Kentucky Breakfast Stout, and good offerings such as the Reds Rye, Centennial IPA, and a tasty Porter)
2. 3 Floyds (Would be number one, but some of their brews are not that great special. Beheemeth Barley Wine, Dreadnaught IIPA, Alpha King Pale Ale and Robert the Bruce are all outstanding)
3. Stone (Arrogant Bastard was the first beer I truly fell in love with. It's been a love-fest ever since.
4. Dogfish Head (All of the "- minute IPAs" are outstanding, and Dogfish does some crazy stuff with premium ingredients. It's usually way too expensive, but damn, it's good)
5. Tie: Great Divide, Deschutes, Lagunitas, Clipper City, Flying Dog... (A combination of being too overwhelmed to make a decision, and too lazy to think about it anymore leads to the ultimate cop-out of a tie)

Fruits

1. Apples (Apples are easy to find, easy to eat, and usually pretty solid)
2. Oranges (It's rare that you ever get stuck with a bad orange. The only detractor how messy they are to eat)
3. Berries (Straw, black, blue, cran, rasp... I love berries so much, especially in pie)
4. Peaches (When you get a good one... It can't be beat)
5. Bananas (I used to hate it when my mom would put a banana in my lunch, because everything would taste like banana in the brown paper sack. I don't really like them, but they get the job done. The most efficient of the fruits)

Sports (The order was determined by a very scientific formula that combined 'watch-ability' and 'fun-ness to play')

1. Basketball (My favorite to play, and the playoffs are always a thrill to watch)
2. Baseball (Playing catch is my favorite thing to do in the world. Going to a baseball game is the best sporting event to attend. Listening to games on radio is better than watching on TV)
3. Football (Probably the best to watch, and extremely fun to play, but my mom never let me play in a league, so I don't know what it's like to put on the pads and helmet)
4. Hockey (I only ranked this for my friend, Brian. I've never played and I can't skate, but going to hockey games ranks #2 on the "Best live sporting events" list)
5. Everything else (Golf, tennis, soccer, badmitton, frisbee golf, raquetball, cornhole, bowling, whiffle ball, horseshoes, pool, swimming, curling, gymnastics, snowboarding... If it's an activity that I can play and/or watch, then I like it)

Cars I've owned (I've owned five cars in my life, and never one that was less than a decade old. I don't see this trend changing anytime soon)

1. 1982 Datsun 4x4 (This thing was awesome. An absolute tank. Had to sell it when I moved out of Humboldt County and needed things like A/C and fuel economy)
2. 1988 Acura Integra (First car. The only one I ever put a bumper sticker on (Less Than Jake). This car was actually a pain in the butt, but it had a sun roof, so I thought it was pretty awesome)
3. 1996 Subaru Outback (Current vehicle. It has it's problems, but it's a hatchback, and hatchbacks are the best)
4. 1993 Chevy S-10 (This was the vehicle that Heidi drove around until recently. My father-in-law and I replaced the clutch and it was a terrible process)
5. 1995 Toyota Tercel (It was a good car, until my friend Jeff managed to rip one of the doors off, leading to a lot of heavy plastic and duct tape to keep the rain out)

Double Down

2010-04-30T14:24:00.000-04:00

I just turned 30. This is a big deal.

Technically, I am now closer to death than I am to birth (Well, maybe not technically, but you get the point). After my experience last week, I am assuredly much closer to my final breath.

What is a man to do in anticipation of such a momentous occasion? How can such a milestone be celebrated? The following is an account of my mid-life crisis.

While driving down Glenway Avenue on the Westside of Cincinnati on Thursday, April 22(Earth Day), I realized what I must do. I would celebrate and mark this slow march unto death by doing something so outrageous, so dangerous, and so remarkable, that I might not even make it to my 30th birthday.

It was time to Double Down.

I've joked with friends about the new offering from KFC several times since we were first inundated with countless commercials espousing the delights of eating a sandwich that replaces buns with pieces of chicken, but I never thought I would really eat one. I mean, it's absolutely disgusting and completely impractical.

But that's when God intervened. It had to be divine. A ridiculous radio advertisement assaulted me with loud pronouncements of the merits of the Double Down. Convincing statements like, "It will destroy your hunger!" and "So much chicken, there wasn't room for a bun," worked magic on my impressionable stomach and mind at the exact time that I saw the Colonel's establishment ahead on the left.

"Am I really going to do this? I can't tell Heidi, she will kill me (if the Double Down doesn't kill me first). Am I really going to walk into a KFC? I haven't been in one since I was 11 years old. There is no way I am doing this. Why is my turn signal on? Why am I turning into the parking lot? I should stop, but I can't. I won't."

Walking into a KFC on a random afternoon is an experience that I can't quite capture in words. The mauve/pink paint and Monet-inspired impressionist artwork really threw me for a loop... What is the atmosphere KFC is trying to create? I can only assume it's something along the lines of creating a soothing space to allow for melancholy whilst your bowels explode.

The girl working the register looked as surprised to see me as I was to be there. One patron was hanging out at a table near the register, and she was only drinking an extra large pop. I glanced around at the menu above the register, although I knew exactly what I would order. I came here for one purpose, and damnit, I was going to accomplish this.

"What can I get you?"

"I'll take one of those Double Down things," I said with fear and shame.

"You want that friend or grilled?"

"Fried, of course, this isn't Kentucky Grilled Chicken"

"Anything else?" (Apparently she did not appreciate me subtle and charming wit... Most people don't

"No, I'm good."

"You want that in a combo?"

"I don't think so. Not sure I'm man enough." (Again, no response). "But hold the special sauce... What is the sauce?"

"I don't know... it's like that pink salad dressing stuff."

"Yeah, definitely hold the sauce then."

"You gonna eat one of them Double Down things?" shouted the girl with the large beverage.

"I'm going to try."

"That thing looks nasty. There really ain't no bun?"

"That's what I'm told."

As my Double Down arrived in a box on a tray, the big-beveraged girl's curiosity got the best of her. As she jumped up to examine my purchase, she said,

"Damn, that's a lot of meat."

Holding back the "That's what she said," comment I wanted to make, I simply replied, "Yes, yes it is."

As I sat down to enjoy my last supper, I couldn't help but think about how my life was going to change. My friends Kenny, Coates and Russ like meat a whole lot. We often sit around and talk about how much we like meat, and how the only thing wrong with items like hamburgers and hot dogs is the presence of a bun... which is not meat. It has always been a running joke, usually told most while camping, but I never thought anybody was listening.

Apparently the Colonel is always listening, and making dreams come true like Santa Claus or a magical genie.

As I sat down to tackle this dead bird and bacon sandwich, Elton John's "Circle of Life" flooded the room (That's a fact, I'm not making it up. In the words of Bad Religion: "Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction," and in the words of Alanis Morissette: "Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?")

In the circle of liiiife... It's a wheel of fortuuuune...

With Elton giving me moral support, I managed to pick up the Double Down and take my first bite. As a stream of grease spurted out on my beard, I realized that this was going to be a challenge. Although the 3rd degree burn on my face hurt, the pain of feeling my arteries harden was the worst part.

That and the constant reaching for napkins.

If I've learned one thing from this experience, it's that the existence of a bun to hold your sandwich is a good thing. Why was it necessary to eliminate this? Are there people putting comments in the suggestion box at the local KFC that read, "I want to have grease drip down to me elbows and have my fingers stink like chicken for three days. Can you get rid of the bun?" Or, "I bought a bucket of chicken and took it home and made B.L.T.s with the thighs. You should do something like that?" Who's in charge down there at the KFC headquarters? Who green-lighted this idea?

6.5 minutes after my first bite, the last bite was completed. I folded my receipt and placed it in my pocket (just in case I need to provide evidence for a future lawsuit). I contemplated how much damage I must have just done to my body, but the nutrition information was oddly nowhere to be seen (Nutrition stats for the DD: 540 calories 32 grams of fat and 1380 mg of sodium. That sodium level sounds a little high, but I'm no nutritionist).

Standing up, the words of Sir Elton continued to resound:

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

I'm not sure what role I play in the circle of life, but I'm quite sure that what I did that day had nothing to do with life/fortune/faith/hope. In fact, I'm relatively certain that my path is winding toward a certain and painful demise. I'm also certain that I will never eat another Double Down for as long as I live.

From Best to Worst

2010-03-16T19:06:00.000-04:00

I have been working on this stupid post, three sentences at a time, for almost a month. Instead of devoting the time to make it good, I'm going to wrap it up and give you a half-baked entry. Heidi discounted everything I said anyway by informing me that as I get older, I make more excuses for why I am falling out of touch with pop culture and society at an alarming rate... . Maybe Heidi is right (she usually is), the other day, Rivers Cuomo himself tweeted: "What could be more natural than becoming irrelevant to pop culture as you get older?" But this is all getting off-topic. This introduction was mean to serve as an excuse for fewer words typed, not more. Below is the half-hearted work that resulted from a text message to Kevin, to which he responded, "You should write a blog about that." So I did. And this is it:

If you ask any reasonable person born between 1977 and 1986 what the greatest album of this generation is, the answer will undoubtedly be "Pinkterton."

If you ask a person born in the same time frame, which movie is the greatest ever made, you will not be surprised to hear the common response of "Terminator II."

Between the ages of 14 and 18, Weezer was my favorite band. I knew every word to every song on "The Blue Album" and Pinkerton. My friends and I would blast the tape (were we using CDs by this point in history? I don't remember) over and over again while singing at the top of our lungs, "I'm tired. So tired. So tired of having sex" (none of us were actually having any sex, but we identified with what it might be like to grow tired of having sex if one in fact ever had so much that it grew tiresome. We were not having any sex because we were losers who chose to drive to abandoned railroad bridges to smoke cigars and discuss how cool we really were on Friday night, rather than going to the 'raging' party that we may or may not have been invited to in the first place).

Terminator II came out in 1991. My friend Nick Gordon and I would rent the movie about four times a week, and watched it so many times, that we actually tried to recreate the Debit Card machine that John Conner uses to rip off ATMs (it didn't work).

That's the introduction. Interest has been piqued, and the reader is now curious where this is going. This is the body of the argument, which will tell you exactly where "this" is going:

In the past year, Avatar was released and has already made more money than any other movie ever made.

Also in the past year, Weezer released another album which is probably comprised of songs about girls and drugs.

I have not seen or heard either of these products, and can assure you that I will not any time soon.

If you question my commitment to boycott things that I deem worthy of such abstinence, ask me how many times I have seen Titanic?

The answer is "0"

This fact has led to many arguments between my wife and I, so I will just move on quickly, without elaborating further. If she doesn't comment, know that she will argue, correctly, that I am pretentious about this, and would actually enjoy Titanic, but I am far too proud to cave in. I would agree, but continue in my arrogance.

While this could just become another blog post where I make fun of others, all the while sharing semi-intimate details about my life in a sarcastic form so as to not reveal to much of my inner soul, I will instead engage in an academic excursion that required research (imdb.com and wikipedia.org) and mental dexterity.

Weezer is the James Cameron of music.

Or, conversely, James Cameron is the Weezer of movies.

Either way, it's meant to be an insult. And more than an insult, this conclusion is meant to point the reader to the epic failure of both a band and a director to sustain what should have become respective Hall of Fame careers.

What makes me most sad about the fall-from-awesome that Weezer and James Cameron suffered, is the sheer sweetness of where they began.

Below is a list of some "major" James Cameron projects:

Avatar (2009)
Terminator III (2003)
Titanic (1997)
True Lies (1994)
Terminator II (1991)
The Abyss (1989)
Terminator (1984)
Aliens (1986)
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

Compare that with a list of Weezer's albums:

Raditude (2009)
Weezer (Red Album)(2008)
Make Believe (2005)
Maladroit (2002)
Weezer (Green Album)(2001)
Pinkerton (1996)
Weezer (Blue Album)(1994)

Notice any similarities?

The answer is a resounding YES.

Cameron was on fire in his early days. Rambo, Terminator, Aliens, The Abyss... These are all super-quality films that deserve to be praised.

Weezer was just-as-on-fire with their start: "The Blue Album" and Pinkerton are just as awesome as Terminator and Aliens.

But then everything fell apart.

For both James Cameron and Weezer.

Weezer has sold more than eight million records in the US to date. That's a lot. But it should be even more. After the splash of "The Blue Album," Weezer was ready to go stratospheric with their sophomore release. This did not happen. In fact, Pinkerton was labeled "one of the worst albums 1996" by a Rolling Stone Magazine reader poll. It was crushed by the media and fans alike, and Rivers Cuomo was either, a) replaced by an emotionless robot, or b) felt alienated and frightened by the rejection of his "intimate feelings" and decided to never write a good song ever again.

I'm not Chuck Klosterman, so I won't try. Suffice it to say, "The Green Album," and everything following has been one turd after another, wrapped in plastic and sold to stupid kids who keep thinking that, "This one will be good. This album will return to former glory."

I don't know what happened to James Cameron.

True Lies is actually a decent and watchable movie. Just like "The Green Album" was not the worst music I have ever heard (that title belongs to Morrissey).

But both True Lies and "The Green Album" represent a monumental shift in the respective careers of Weezer and James Cameron. Cameron and Cuomo have appeared to become so full of themselves, that neither can produce anything worth spending $10 on.

I don't know if Raditude is any good. I don't care. Just as I couldn't care less if Avatar is worth seeing. I get the whole "visually stunning" argument, but it's not enough to sway me. No thanks.

Both are too painful to watch. Both would bring up too many memories and leave me disillusioned in a way that I haven't felt since they killed Marissa on The OC and decided to have another season anyway... just because. Yeah, it was still The OC (the greatest show of all time), but honestly, it sucked.

I don't want to go through that again.

And here comes the conclusion, where I make one final push to get others on board with my irrational hatred of things that don't matter:

So there you have it, James Cameron and Weezer. If it was released after 1996, I want nothing to do with it. I don't trust you. And it's not even that you could ever regain my trust back, because I just don't want anything to do with you. Titanic may or may not be the equivalent of Maldroit, Make Believe or "The Red Album." I wouldn't know because I refuse to let myself be disappointed by either of you ever again.

You could make movies and music forever, as I'm sure you will. But I won't be buying it, and neither will the intelligent, socially-conscious, introspective, and attractive readers of this blog.

One final note, my favorite comparison of Weezer and Cameron was the fact that there are three "Terminators", and three "Self Titled" albums. This seemed perfectly symmetrical and interesting to me, but I couldn't figure out how to fit it in. Thus, this post script.

facing fears

2010-02-26T16:18:00.003-05:00

it's been a big week for me.

for the first time in approximately 5 years, i went to the doctor.

if it wasn't for Teach for America making me go to the doctor for a physical and TB test, i would not have gone. my reason for not going to the doctor is two-fold: (1) it's a hassle and i don't like scheduling and attending appointments - it's too constraining and (2) my body takes care of itself.

as i sit here on the couch, suffering from a virus that is somewhere between bronchitis and pneumonia, i regret my decision not to report this illness to the physician that attended to me.

the inability to turn my neck more than 15 degrees combined with the lower back pain that sends shooting pain throughout my body every time i move is also a symptom i should have reported.

why didn't i tell the doctor about these infirmaries? that's a good question, and was the exact question my mother posed to me on the phone the other night. the answer is: i don't know. a sore neck and a runny nose didn't seem worthy of this doctor's time. he was too busy fondling my testicles and taking my pulse.

the trip to the doctor wasn't nearly as terrifying as i imagined it would be, which may lead to appointments with the optometrist and dentist. i haven't visited either of these professionals in the last several years, and according to my mom, this is a big problem (i didn't have the heart to tell her that i only floss once-a-month or so. she would be so disappointed).

a few quick thoughts to send you on your way.

+ set a trap to catch a mouse that has decided to make habitation in our kitchen. when i catch that little rodent, he's going to regret the day that he was born. if the trap doesn't work it might be the perfect time to test out the new shotgun.

+ it appears that the federal government wants me to pay them a considerable amount of money. we made almost exactly the same amount of money last year and everything is the same, but instead of giving me a little cash to spend, the government has decided to come after a lower-middle class social worker and a baker. i blame Obama.

+ the Olympics are all-at-once awesome and terrible. i couldn't care less about speed skating, curling, hockey or figure skating, but find myself watching pretty frequently.

i keep saying this to anyone who will listen: figure skating is the most difficult thing to do in all of sports. hitting a baseball, throwing a touchdown pass, driving a car at high speeds in a circle... all of these are very difficult, but none compare to the level of difficulty found in figure skating. i could devote my life to figure skating for the next decade, and i still wouldn't be able to turn left on ice skates.

+ baseball is coming.

spring training starts next week. opening day is just over a month away.

within the six weeks i expect to: participate in a fantasy baseball draft, attend the Reds Opening Day Parade (with Brian!), pick my annual "dark horse" team, get my baseball gloves and ball out with the hope that someone will play catch with me, and buy enough Big League Chew to fill a swimming pool. i love baseball.

+ watched a MSNBC documentary on Patty Hearst last weekend with my lovely wife. i couldn't pull away from this story. try to imagine what would happen if Paris Hilton was kidnapped and held hostage for 50 days, and then joined her kidnappers and went on a crime spree in the name of some misguided revolution. i can't even begin to imagine what this would look like in today's hypermedia culture. just fascinating.

Stockholm Syndrome is wild stuff.

+ i like that Heidi is writing blogs all the time now. she continues to be the most fascinating and delightful person that i have ever met.

a blog written solely for the purpose of having at least one published in the month of February (completed in less that 25 minutes)

2010-02-19T16:58:00.004-05:00

+ Tiger Woods said "sorry" today and i'm not going to talk about it.

i'm not going to talk about it because my computer is a decade old and it can no longer support video content, so i cannot watch the 13.5 minutes that everyone is talking about.

+ i've been on twitter for almost a year now. my account started as a place where my friends and i could post fictitious statements to make fun of each other. for the month or so that we all actually followed through with this intent, it was a blast.

then we got bored, lazy and tired of making fun of the same things about one another's personality over and over again.

twitter is strange. at multiple times during the day i will read several posts by people about what they are doing. it's fascinating to have access to the lives and thoughts of people i will never meet.

through twitter i get notified of interesting articles to read and when podcasts of Bill Simmons go up online. that's helpful.

the rest of twitter is near-obnoxious reminders that a lot of other people are doing a lot of stuff that i am not.

*Bill Simmons is watching a dramatic conclusion to a thrilling basketball game.

*a great show is taking place in Chicago tonight.

*Chad OchoCinco is inviting everybody and their grandmother to eat with him at a cafe in Miami.

*Amazon has amazing deals on DVDs that i still cannot afford.

*a friend is drinking a rare beer and really enjoying it.

*check out this hilarious Youtube clip (again, i can't because of my geriatric computer).

*etc.

you get the point. why do i subject myself to this? i don't know. this is the part of the blog where i am supposed to come to some profound conclusion or make a witty comment.

i got nothing.

+ i was reading Neitzche, "Beyond Good and Evil," the other day, and he theorizes that there are two types of morality that govern all people: slave and master.

Neitzche talked about people like the Christians, who have swam against the master morality and assumed a slave morality identity. instead of entitlement and power, they (we) subject themselves to everyone else and serve the greater good, rather than grabbing whatever power, pleasure and capital they can.

master morality types take whatever they can and think of themselves exclusively.

according to the commentary i have heard/read about Tiger Woods, up to this point he has operated under a master morality mindset, but has committed to pursing the slave morality lifestyle from this point forward.

(i included the last section only to inform the reader that i engaged in a philosophical and scholarly exercise recently. in fact, the only reason this blog will be posted is to notify you of this fact. you don't care, but i care that you know this. i don't know why.)

+ Heidi and i spent last weekend in Chicago. it was awesome. i had to take a stupid test for teaching, but once that was concluded, we embarked upon a journey of excessive calorie consumption with a few of our closest friends.

i will be back in Chicago in exactly one month, sans Heidi. during this trip, i will be interviewed by several Chicago Public Schools principals who will determine whether i am worthy to be hired to teach their kids how to read and write. from what i hear, it is a "speed-dating" type of set up. my greatest hope is that i land at whatever school is closest to my friend Kevin, so we can move in next door to him. once this happens, we will have dinner parties and grill outs, and Kevin and i will stand in his garage and drink Budweiser as we stare at his motorcycle and talk about master and slave cylinders.

talking about master and slave cylinders will bring me even greater pride than talking about master and slave moralities, because i am of the mindset that manliness is defined by physical brawn and manual prowess, not intelligence and sophistication.

and eating large quantities of food. that's definitive as well. fortunately, i have an excellent wife who delights in my exercise of consumption. thanks, dear.

+ if i ever get cancer, i want to handle it just like Matt Chandler, pastor of Village Church, in Dallas, TX.

+ with at least a half-a-foot of snow still on the ground, let me be the 4 millionth person to state that i am ready for Spring.

hey Winter - it's enough already.

Pain and Suffering: Martin Luther King Jr vs. Pat Robertson

2010-01-18T19:52:00.003-05:00

Pat Robertson is an asshole.

I realize this isn’t a shock to anybody.

As I’m sure everyone knows, Pat made the following comment, following the horrendous and devastating earthquake in Haiti last week:

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' True story, and the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."

According to Robertson, this isn’t the first time that God has gotten pissed at humanity and decided to punish thousands of people for it. Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans in 2005 because some women get abortions:

"I was reading a book that was very interesting about what God has to say in the Old Testament about those who shed innocent blood… Have we found we are unable somehow to defend ourselves against some of the attacks that are coming against us, either by terrorists or now by natural disaster? Could they be connected?"

And God is limited to using natural disasters to punish people for poor moral behavior. Following 9/11, he and Jerry Falwell sat around on the “700 Club,” and pontificated on how God allowed the attacks because of moral decay - specifically the ACLU, abortionists, feminists and gays.

Pissed off yet? Wait, there’s more

In 2006, Robertson suggested Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was given a debilitating stroke because he was trying to make peace with the Palestinians and give them land. "He was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course…God says 'this land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone.'"

Back in 1992, Pat wrote in a fundraising letter, "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

Pat Robertson’s God is a very little, vindictive, and unmerciful God who acts like a jilted lover when she finds that her man is cheating on her with another.

But instead of hiring Richard Greico and the people at Cheaters, God possesses more power and instead of just catching a dirty adulterer in the act, He will send fireballs from heaven to destroy sinners who do some sins, which according to Robertson, are worse than others.

I would carry an umbrella, Mr. Robertson, because if God is anything like what you think he is, the next round of fireballs should be headed straight for you.

Why do I care what Pat Robertson has to say about natural disasters and terrorist attacks? Robertson is not that different from many uninformed “Christians,” he just has a platform that forces us all to cringe every time the fool opens his mouth.

If God is a general manager, and Christians are his baseball team, it’s time to make a trade. Or just cut him from the roster all together. We don’t want him on our team anymore.

I have a problem with Pat Robertson, and anybody else, who confuse and ignore what the Bible has to say about evil and suffering.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It isn’t. The Bible isn’t written as a “How To” book that answers every one of our questions with a tidy diagram like a car maintenance manual. If it were that easy, we would all agree and that would be the end of it.

Robertson has an opinion, and I suppose he is entitled to that opinion, as we all are, but he is wrong.

Why would Jesus, the Son of God, tell the crowd that gathered to hear him teach, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” – Matthew 5:43-47

Did you catch that? Jesus says that the rain falls on “good” people and “bad” people alike. Sinners and saints bask in the sun and get swept away in tsunamis just the same.

Am I supposed to believe that there is not a righteous man or woman on the island of Haiti? Will we not find any Christians’ names in the shrines and memorials built at the former site of The World Trade Center?

Three days before the 7.0 quake in Haiti, there was a 6.5 one in my hometown of Humboldt County. My mom was in the mall with a friend, who sustained a minor scratch on her arm when a ceiling tile fell to the floor.

Because my parents, and several other close friends live in Humboldt County, and are moral, upstanding, “good,” Christian men and women, should I then conclude that they were spared massive destruction because they read their Bible and say their prayers each night?

Did the devil make poor building codes and a lack of quality building materials in Haiti? Was that part of “the pact”?

Last time I checked, Karma isn’t a concept found in The Bible.

Karma is a clean system of belief: Do good and be rewarded. Do bad and be punished. It makes sense and it feels good to know “where you stand.”

But bad stuff happens to good people and vice versa. You can’t reduce the events of the universe to a simple formula. Why would you even try?

I don’t know if Robertson believes in Karma. I do know that he doesn’t believe in the sovereignty of God. The two are irreconcilable.

Over and over again in The Bible, and in the lives of His people are stories of rain.

Perhaps you’ve heard the story of Jesus Christ. You know, the one where he was murdered by lawless men, even though he never committed a crime.

That’s not fair.

My father-in-law told me tonight that the world is a broken place. I think he’s right.

He and I talked about darkness, futility, sin, and a fracture in shalom (peace).

Bad stuff happens because we live in a broken world. Earthquakes are literally the groaning of an earth that has been “subjected to futility” (Romans 8).

And don’t give the devil credit for that futility, because Romans 8 goes on to say that creation was subjected to futility, “In hope.”

In hope. Imagine that.

Pat Robertson is a victim of hate. Not a hate committed against him, but a hate that corrupts his heart.

Hate will do that to a person. Martin Luther King Jr. knew it well when he said,

“Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false, and the false with the true.”

I don’t expect that every reader of this blog will agree with me.

If God knows all things, is in control of all things, and yet allows evil and suffering to continue… This is a hard pill to swallow. It doesn't make clean and perfect sense, so don't expect it to.

We have to believe, like King, that there is a purpose in the pain:

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

Every earthquake in Haiti, hurricane in New Orleans or Bali, and every brain tumor and tragic car accident is a time of challenge and controversy for you and I.

How will you respond? How do I respond?

King went on to say that, “My personal trials have also taught me the value of unmerited suffering. As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways that I could respond to my situation: either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course. Recognizing the necessity for suffering I have tried to make of it virtue. If only to save myself from bitterness, I have attempted to see my personal ordeals as an opportunity to transform myself and heal the people involved in the tragic situation, which now obtains. I have lived these last few years with the conviction that unearned suffering is redemptive.”

Don’t be like Pat Robertson.

And the next time you read some asinine comment from him, or someone like him, don’t just call him an idiot and move on.

Every story of pain and suffering - your own, or that of someone else, is an opportunity of reflection, renewal, and redemption.

Be transformed by trials. Perhaps that is their purpose.

P.S. If this post made you feel down in the dumps, go back and read the previous one about Karate Kid. That should cheer you up for a minute.

Text-a-Thon: Karate Kid

2010-01-17T09:13:00.006-05:00

The following is a real conversation between two real men that took place entirely via text message. It took place on Saturday morning. This is a precise and exact word-for-word account of what happened:

Justin: Karate kid on vh1! Doing 222 for my point total this weekend

(Kevin and I have been betting NFL point spreads all season long. For the playoffs, since there are fewer games in which we could disagree on, we each pick a ‘total points scored for the whole weekend’ number as a tie-breaker, if it comes to that.)

Kevin: I literally got up to text you about karate kid. Wow. One of the top five re-watchable movies eve. I’m doing 191. 222 is so high.

(While Kevin is right, 222 is a lot of points to be scored in four games, I would like to point out, that at this point in the season, he owes me $35, because I beat him almost every week. He doesn’t have much room to talk.)

Justin: I got burned last week, so I am overcompensating.

Kevin: Daniel could never get a girl like Elisabeth Shue. Let’s be honest now.

Justin: That’s where you’re wrong. She was tired of those so-cal boys who just wanted her for her body. Daniel treated her right.

Kevin: Hahaha. Alli’s a grown up girl. Matured and developed. I’d be surprised if Daniel even has hair on his balls.

Justin: That was hilarious. Best of the day. You won’t top it so don’t try.

Kevin: I love discussing movies from 1984

Justin: Nothing beats watching this shit. Its preserved forever in history as a capsule of a wonderful time.

Kevin: I already work around the clock!!

Justin: “I don’t know what she sees in him.” “she must be into fungus.”

(This was dialogue between two of Alli’s friends, in reference to how she could possibly be into Daniel. It really is the greatest mystery of the whole movie. There is not an explanation that makes sense. Absolutely remarkable.)

Kevin: I have a 1984 crush on her. Daniel’s such a wuss.

Justin: How could you not? What the hell was Daniel thinking there? Poor decision making skills.

Kevin: The water thing? He can’t outrun those guys. They’re prime physical specimens.

Justin: Whose jersey is that he is wearing?

Kevin: Antonio Gates. Duh…

(This is funny because Antonio Gates is the current tight end for the San Diego Chargers who wears number 84, and Daniel is wearing a #84 San Diego Chargers jersey, but it’s 1984. good job by Kevin here.)

Justin: if Johnny lands that kick, Daniel is dead and this whole movie takes a dramatic turn.

Kevin: Hahaha! I think I need to save this conversation.

Justin: I know. I am laughing hysterically to myself this whole time. well done.

(At this point, I started the process of recording the conversation on the computer before my cell phone required me to erase the text messages.)

Kevin: If Daniel dies, do alli and mr. Miyagi join forces, train together, and secretly pick off each cobra kai member one by one in a murderous rampage.

Justin: Isn’t that the plot of ‘the next karate kid?’

Kevin: With hillary swank! Before she was a boy. Or was she a boy in that movie? Does hillary swank even have genitals?

Justin: “you got some nerve old man… I like that”

Kevin: Ahh the scene where we get to see miyagi’s house and wonder how the hell he affords such a posh pad.

Justin: How long do you think you would have played miyagi’s game of free manual labor? I feel like you wouldn’t even make it til lunch

Kevin: You saying you would’ve? I probably would’ve stuck with it for awhile. He’s a sage. I recognize that.

Justin: I would have never started because I listened to my mother when she said, don’t talk to strangers.

Kevin: Well daniel’s mother doesn’t seem too concerned with his safety. Or that he’s repeatedly getting his ass kicked. All she’s concerned with is getting that hunk of shit car started. Bad parenting.

Justin: We should get sweet bandanas and wear them when I move up there.

Kevin: Ralph maccio was 23 years old when the movie was made. That’s crazy.

Justin: And yet youre (my bad – it’s your, not you’re) comment about hair on his balls probably still applies

Kevin: more than likely.

Justin: that guy on the mcdonalds commercial kills me. ‘talk to me.’

(The commercial I am referring to is the one where the guy tells everybody who tries to have a conversation with him, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Even when the employee at the restaurant he goes to attempts to take his order, he rudely responds, “Not until I’ve had my coffee.” Once he finds out what she has to offer (coffee), he changes his tune and says, “Talk to me,” with a smirk on his face that makes me want to slap him with a dead salmon.)

(And don’t get me started on the Big Mac snack wrap.)

(Or Luke Wilson on the AT&T commercials every 2.5 minutes.)

Kevin: I feel like I should be starting my day. The motivation’s just not there.

Justin: what would Daniel son do?

Kevin: get in a bike wreck.

Justin: Daniel’s abnormally small nipples disturb me.

Kevin: Haha. Short shorts alli’s too hot.

Justin: Is miyagi drunk in that boat scene? Or just jovial?

Kevin: Jovial. The awkward drunk scene is coming up.

Kevin: Johnny’s hair is amazing.

Justin: I was just texting you the same thing! Get out of my head!

(Kevin and I have been accused of sharing the same brain on several occasions. It’s not true, we actually are very different, but it’s creepy how many times we are thinking the same exact thing.)

Justin: I would like to think that I would not have joined in the laughter at Daniel’s spaghetti incident, but most likely I would.

Kevin: You’re a bad person. How he got it all over him, head to toe, is beyond me. It’s everywhere. A full white outfit may have been a bad choice.

Justin: You have to dress in anticipation of something like that happening. Again, poor decision making shown by larusso

Kevin: his poor decision making fuels this movie. What a fuckup.

Justin: You can’t change your dirty clothes before making a visit to your mentor? Get it together, dan

Kevin: How would miyagi feel about Daniel rifling through all his stuff? What an asshole.

Justin: Why is the crane kick indefensible if done right? Seems pretty silly.

Kevin: great montage

Justin: Of course he picks the yellow car. But in all seriousness, what a sweet present from miyagi.

Kevin: Imdb tole me that Ralph maccio said, ‘forever my sensei’ at at morita’s funeral. Touching.

(Agreed. Very touching.)

Justin: you want me to drive?” “hey it’s the 80s, why not?”

Kevin: best line of the whole movie.

Justin: You’re the best, around!

(…Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down… What a great song.)

Kevin: God, this sequence is fantastic. Best movie montage ever?

Justin: can’t think of anything better. Rollerblade race down devil’s backbone in airborne? Nah.

Kevin: I’ve never even seen that movie. I suck.

Justin: And you call yourself a westsider. I’m more Westside than you.

(Some clarification for my non-Cincinnati audience: Devil’s Backbone is the name of the street that the final race scene is set on in the fantastic movie, Airborne. Airborne is set in Cincinnati. I used to watch this movie all the time when I lived in California, and think that Cincinnati seemed like a terrible place, but that’s another story. In the movie, Devil’s Backbone is portrayed as some strange hill in the middle of Downtown, but in reality it is the name of a road on the West Side of Cincinnati. This is important. In Cincinnati, which side of the City you grew up on is of the utmost importance. People from the East Side of town look down on the West Side and accuse them of being trashy. West Siders think the East Siders are snobs and way too full of themselves. I could write a whole blog about how fascinating this aversion to the opposite side of town is.

The point of my comment to Kevin, “I’m more Westside than you,” is an easy attack on his pride. I work on the West Side, and was only originally accepted into Kevin’s group of friends (a bunch of West Siders) because I, A) liked Seinfeld, and B) knew all about the streets, stores, restaurants, and people of the West Side. This gives my friends a great deal of pride. It’s like I have been adopted in as a West-Sider, without having been born and grown up there.

I thought that Kevin would be furious by my questioning of his “West Side-ness” but the movie was reaching climax too fast and he did not respond.)

Justin: Did the cobra kai sensei believe Johnny could not take Daniel? Or is he just ruthlessly evil?

Kevin: so dramatic when he claps his hands together. The music starts, the intensity rises.

Kevin: the line sweep the leg, Johnny, is never actually in the movie.

Justin: most intense moment in cinematic history

Kevin: the crane kick is illegal.

Justin: “you’re alright, larusso.” That would never happen.

Kevin: Never happen.

Kevin: Well, Justin. We successfully watched the entire thing. You better believe this conversation is going online.

Justin: I already started the transcription. It will be posted as a blog by the end of the day.

Kevin: Really? Well, I’m posting on mine too. Probably with a different intro.

(And there you have it.)

twelve joys of christmas

2009-12-18T23:39:00.003-05:00

so, christmas is pretty rad. here's 12 reasons (in honor of 'the 12 days of christmas' - whatever that means):

1. presents.

presents are awesome. i know that i shouldn't lead the list of the best things about christmas with presents, but screw it, i really like presents. i like to receive and give. the most memorable present i ever received was a red rider bb gun from my parents. i cried because i was expecting a sweet GIJOE toy. it was a strange time of growing up and embracing the shooting of real guns, rather than just the toy ones that i had imagined to fire for so long.

2. food.

christmas, like every other holidy, is an excuse to eat. i've already gained a few pounds and i'm just warming up. christmas features office parties, candies and cookies, roast duck and egg nogg. these are a few of my favorite things.

3. bars.

nothing beats going to a bar around christmas and running into a bunch of people you haven't seen for a long time. in my hometown, it's a place called 'the palace' that everybody congregates at. i sweat nervously the entire night hoping that i won't run into... well i don't know who i am trying to avoid, but if i see him/her this year, i will freak out.

4. shopping

not really, i hate shopping. it's the worst. next year i am going to hire somebody to go and stand in line and purchase the things i pick out. this person will be my own personal elf.

5. snow.

it never snows. and when it does snow, i complain about it being cold and taking me longer to get where i am going. that being said, there should be snow at christmas. i blame bing crosby for this prevailing notion.

6. christmas music.

i used to loathe all christmas music until i married a christmas music fanatic. i could do without paul mccartney's "wonderful christmas time" still, but other than that, i'm starting to come around.

7. the new year

every year i talk myself into talking about how much i don't care about new years eve and all the hoopla that comes along with it. in reality, i like hoopla and i like making a big-to-do about stuff that doesn't really matter. i like going out and celebrating calendars. i like making resolutions that i invariably will not keep. most of all, i like celbrating the "eve" of a holiday more than the holiday itself. great move, america (and the rest of the world (except china), i guess).

8. traditions.

my family has ice cream sundaes ever christmas eve. on christmas morning, we open our stockings, and then open gifts one at a time and say things like "ooh" and "ahh" when a family member opens a flannel shirt or wall sconce. my dad then cooks a huge-ass breakfast and i eat half of my weight in sausage and biscuits. traditions rule.

9. parties.

these days, if you throw a party around december 25, it apparently has to be a "tacky sweater" party. this is unnecessary, but i continue to appreciate the increase in parties thrown during the last month of the year. one year, i went to a christmas party as will ferrell as robert goulet. i didn't break character all night and it was the best. i even sang "favorite things" and said things like, "i bet you would look good washing my dishes."

10. decorations.

decorating the tree with heidi was sweet this year. appetizers and cocktails while throwing some ornaments on a tree. 1 in 5 of those ornaments will be eaten by our dog. i'm a sucker for houses with lots of lights on. i check out the christmas tree in every house i enter. i still think that people should put real lighted candles on their trees.

11. christmas cookies

i know i mentioned food earlier, but cookies deserve their own section. my mom used to make about 400 varieties of cookies every year and it was open season as far as how many sweets i could consume in a given day. these days, my wife makes about 4,000 cookies-a-week and it continues to be open season. cookies are better around christmas time because it's cold, it's the holidays, and it just feels right. that makes sense, right?

12. jesus.

if you remember, this holiday all got started as a celebration of bis birth. every time i read the account of his birth, i am blown away by something. i will never be able to grasp the significance and overwhelming nature of the whole thing, but that produces awe and wonder, and i'm content with that.

2009: the year of...

2009-12-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

with the annual tradition of "best of" lists popping up all over the place, it's time to become reflective and contemplative about the year that was and the year that is to come (note to readers, if i catch any of you referring to 2010 as '010, i swear that i will kick you in the throat with jean claude van dame-force. 2010 can be referred to as either "twenty ten," "two thousand ten" or "ten." that's it. not any of this"o-ten" crap. i've been hearing it lately, and it has to stop)

the latest events engulfing the golf community and beyond (get it: engulf and golf... they sound the same), have drawn focus yet again to the age-old tradition of gossip, slander, and salacious accusations. let the games begin!

i know it's been said by others with more grand platforms than my own, but this year has seen some real "doozies" when it comes to lies and cover ups. in fact, as i researched the subject (sitting on the couch and thinking real hard), i came up with a top ten list of lies in the year 2009.

here, in no particular order, are the top ten lies of 2009:

1. tiger woods

being the most fresh of the bunch, we'll start here. this story is far from over because tiger is still lying. while he doesn't owe us, the public, anything, his continued refusal to address the issue in a forthright manner guarantees that the intrigue and skepticism will continue. the problem that tiger currently faces is the apparent life of lies that he has perpetuated. you couldn't pay me enough to be famous. because of the pressure put on somebody of tiger's stature by himself and others, his dominance on the golf course pales in comparison to the pressure in his daily life. sinking a 40-foot putt on the 18th green to win the masters is a cakewalk compared to having to be perfect in the eyes of the world. it's not fair, but it is the reality, especially when your name is tiger.

2. alex rodriguez

a-rod has to be sitting back in his hot tub and having a good laugh with k-hud. "hey kate, how 'bout tiger? man, i thought i was going down as the most tormented athlete of the year, but now, i'm off the hook..." to which kate hudson replies, "i'm just glad that you're not going to try and off yourself now when i dump you like my ex with the funny nose did last year..." (too soon? never?)

but seriously, does anybody even remember what it felt like when serena roberts announced that she was going to expose a-rod as a steroid-user? of course, nobody was shocked, but i can vaguely remember denial, followed by weepy interviews and half-confessions on 60 minutes and with peter gammons.

nobody remembers because it happened more than 14 minutes ago, and the yankees won the world series and alex had a couple of hits during some big games.

nobody remembers it because a couple of weeks later it happened again with manny and big papi.

nobody remembers it because baseball is forever soiled and the only way anybody can be a baseball fan is to be either naive/ignorant or really old and cranky.

tiger had to call a-rod within the past week, right? just to ask for advice or to hear alex say that everything's going to be alright?

3. david letterman

letterman told some jokes and seemed to gain more fans as a result of his exposed lies. "hey, everybody, let's make fun of marriage and glorify infidelity..." in reality, of everybody on this list, letterman made out with the least amount of dirt on his hands. laughter and honesty are powerful allies.

4. balloon boy

does it count as a lie if nobody believed it for more than 30 seconds?

5. john and kate

actually, give john and kate some credit. in an effort to annihilate the reputation of each other, and to grab as many dollars left on the table, both have seemed to be pretty forthright and honest in the aftermath of their bitter separation. of course, the affairs, the stealing of money from joint bank accounts, and accusations of poor parenting practices all put on parade for the public to consume, doesn't seem like the best of ideas.

6. octomom

i don't really know what this woman did that made so many people mad, but at some point she had to be lying to someone. the real tragedy is that the moniker "octomom" became a commonly-accepted phrase used in everyday conversation.

7. rick pitino

having sex with a woman in the back room of a restaurant is probably not a good idea, even if it is "consensual." paying the same woman thousands of dollars for an abortion and her silence about the matter is probably a worse idea. the amazing thing about this is how pitino was able to carry this lie around for six years. telling lies is like digging a hole. once you start with one lie, you are forever required to keep a shovel on you at all times to keep digging the hole. pitino found himself at the bottom of a hole that was six years deep, and only through confession and repentance can he climb his way out.

8. global warming

when my father-in-law told me about this last week i figured he had watched too much fox news again.

but climate-gate seems to be real. or maybe it's not. i don't know. what i do know, is that i'm completely over every scandal/lie being called something-gate. why is our society fixated on calling events or stories stupid names? do yourself a favor and peruse this wikipedia list for a few minutes.

as a whole, humanity is really stupid and lacking creativity and cleverness.

9. michael jackson

while MJ had a lot of skeletons in his closet that most likely lead to the increased amounts of drugs in his system to dull the pain of his transgressions, ultimately leading to his untimely death (see kids, lying kills), the lie i'm referring to is the lie that we, the people bought into following his death.

micheal jackson was a transcendent and phenomenally influential and talented pop artist. his music is out-freakin'-standing and the cultural impact of his life is a legacy unmatched by any other.

with thousands of cameras and millions of people chattering about his death, does anybody find it interesting that nobody was talking about what a creep he was? MJ was phenomenal... 20 years ago. but the last 20 years of his life have been completely disturbing and appalling. where was the honesty in talking about what a deranged person he was? just because he died, the collective whole of society decided to disregard the fact that he was a child molester.

10. brett favre

the list wouldn't be complete without the biggest liar of them all. it's getting really hard to continue my crusade against brett favre these days. kevin and i are the only ones still on this hate-wagon, and i'm finding it hard to justify my continued displeasure with the man based on what he is doing week after week on the football field.

but let's not forget how we got here and what favre did when he held america hostage year after year with his constant flip-flopping. brett favre lied when he said that he was done. he's done it before, but this time it was too much. in a perfect world, his arm would have fallen off by now and he would be out of the league and humiliated. but karma isn't real, so he gets to enjoy the success that comes from lying, back-stabbing and cheating? (40 year-olds don't play football this well. favre is on steroids. there i said it. i have no proof, but i have no doubt in my mind about it. would you be surprised in the least if he tested positive for steroids? of course you wouldn't because it makes simple sense).

in my new years resolutions post at the beginning of this year, i resolved to forgive brett favre, "if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be."

thanks for ruining my year, brett favre.

wrapping it up (like a christmas present)

i wrote the other day on my facebook that, 'i continue to be surprised just how surprised all of us are when a celebrity commits "transgressions.'" the reality is that we all lie. while that doesn't make it right, it makes it predictable. when i first realized that tiger was lying about what his wife was doing with that golf club, i thought that he was lying to protect his wife's reputation and i understood that. but then the reality set in that tiger's protection of his wife's "honor" was really a desperate attempt to protect his own reputation.

lying is all about a fear of man. we lie because we don't want people to think less of us. when we were kids, we lied so we wouldn't get spanked. as adults, we lie so that we won't be rejected, so we won't be judged, so we won't disappoint. we lie because it's easier to ask for an apology than it is to ask for permission. we lie because we think we are better than others and we don't want them to know that we really aren't. we lie to ourselves because we don't want to feel guilt, sorrow and shame.

it's my occupation to be lied to. i spend a majority of every week being lied to. kids lie to me about how much trouble they get into at home and school. teachers lie to me about all they are doing to make sure my clients are getting appropriate education. parents lie about how much time they spend with their kids and how they discipline their kids when they screw up.

you would think that i would be better at picking out a liar, but in all honesty, i'm terrible at it. i continue to be be disappointed and shocked by most lies because i continue to be oblivious to the crooked nature of my fellow humans. we're bent toward lies because we're programmed for survival, and survival today means being well-liked and happy.

all jokes aside, will 2009 go down as "the year of the lie?" can society as a whole agree to get all our lies out of the system withing the rest of the month so '10 can be a year of honesty? of course not. i'm lying to myself if i think for a minute that you and i are going to stop lying to one another, and that's pretty rotten.

mentor of men

2009-11-16T22:32:00.000-05:00

by all accounts, tony dungy is a wonderful man. for those of you who don't know (heidi?), dungy is the former NFL coach, who now works part time as a studio analyst, and is the most respected man in the world.

when michael vick began to position himself for a comeback to football following the murder of some dogs and time in the big house, his association with dungy as his "mentor" was spoken of relentlessly as the key to his reinstatement.

after legarrette blount punched a guy from idaho in the jaw after the first game of the college football season, it looked like his season, and perhaps even career was in jeopardy. originally suspended for the year, blount is now returning to play. why has he been reinstated? tony dungy is his mentor.

i don't know what dungy does with his days, but i believe he wakes up each morning, grabs the paper from the doorstep, and searches for stories of troubled athletes that he can save from destruction.

when walking his dog, tony dungy stops and helps little children retrieve their stranded cats from sprawling trees.

the last time anything negative was spoken about tony dungy, he was 4 months old and had just pooped in his diaper.

mother theresa wasn't this respected (too far?)

maybe agents and coaches call him and ask for his services. more likely, he calls them up himself and says something along the lines of, "hi, this is tony dungy. i'd like to save you from yourself and change your life. is that something you would be interested in?"

i respect tony dungy. i respect the interest and investment dungy makes in the lives of young men who have lost their ways. tony dungy has a vibrant faith in God and humanity that seems to propel him toward helping others. in reality, it's what more men and women should be doing. i might not have the influence and leverage of a man like tony dungy, but i have countless opportunities to speak into and encourage other people every day. there's a word for what dungy is doing, it's called discipleship. Jesus Christ, if you remember, was a big advocate of this type of behavior.

if you're waiting for me to make fun of dungy (my usual approach to writing a blog), don't worry, i'm not going to. if you think that i'm going to get sentimental/political/sociological/provocative/etc., i'm not going to do that either.

what i am going to do is offer my services of mentor-ship for the legions of readers who have come to depend on me for guidance and assistance.

when i was a young lad (ages 19-22) a pastor named chuck took me under his wing and taught me all sorts of stuff. he taught me about the bible and theology. he taught me how to play guitar. he taught me how to care for people, and to listen and to be patient and persevere with people, even when they disappoint and often disparage you.

i may not be as wise and wonderful as these men, but i am qualified to coach you on how to be manly.

having recently devoted more than a full day's worth of time watching mad men, i can't stop thinking about don draper. draper is a man's man. draper could wear a skirt and he would still be the man. i have a hard time watching mad men with my wife because i'm afraid that heidi will discover the thoughts that are going through my head when he is on screen.

if the world was going to be blown up and we could only save one person han solo-style in some sort of cryogenic freeze chamber, i vote for don draper's legacy to live on as an indestructible landmark of awesomeness.

i'm no tony dungy, and i'm not don draper. i would modestly assert that i am the perfect combination of the two. here's what i have to offer:

manliness.

the rubric for what makes one man more manly than another is a highly contested discussion that is still taking shape. the basic premise is a scoring system of positive and negative points awarded for excellence or failure in various areas. some examples include:

- outdoorsmanship and survival skills.
- the ability to eat large quantities of food.
- strength/athletic ability.
- success in relationships with the opposite sex.
- the ability to grow facial hair.
- owning and wearing flannel shirts.
- vehicle and home maintenance capabilities.
- useless sports trivia knowledge.
- mastery of fire (i.e. grilling and fire-building).
- physical appearance

some of you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, this list is unfair. i can't grow a beard, i'm already bald, and i can only do 5 push ups. how can i possibly become more manly?"

you may not be able to grow a beard, but i would be willing to bet that with four months worth of patience you could pull off a pretty sweet 'stache.

you might not be able to throw a baseball over 70 mph, but you can buy a ticket to a baseball game and learn the names of every mvp winner since '89. there's hope for you still.

also, if you sign up for my proven mentoring program, i will teach you other invaluable skills that will make you the envy of every friend, the life of every party, and the apple of her eye.

in 30 days or less, i promise that i can teach you how to:

- bet the weekly nfl lines against your friend and win with staggering consistency to the point that said friend will be begging for mercy.
- reach for things on the top shelf that other people can't reach (that's right - i can make you taller).
- wear the clothes that you have owned for years that will never get worn out.
- be loved by old people and kids alike.
- root for professional sports teams in different cities in preparation for any move that you may have to make.
- replace the clutch in your 1993 chevy s-10 pickup.
- train a dog how to carry three balls in his mouth at once.
- give a proper hi-five.
- do the dishes.
- drink cheap beer and actually enjoy it.
- eat at least one more of any given food item than any of your friends (juggernaut excluded)

you might be thinking to yourself, "justin, can you really take the time to make me more manly?

i'll make time, because i was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, i
didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.

being a mentor isn't as much about me as it as about you. i believe i was placed on this earth to have a protege just like you.

i hear people say all the time that they would like to make a change in their life... that they would like to make a difference... but it's just too hard.

sure, it may be "hard to keep your shoes dry when you're kickin' in a skull" but i can help you with that.

sign up today, stop making excuses.

i'm offering a free trial membership for all of my readers. just enter the promo code "justin is the man" in the comment box below and begin to enjoy the countless benefits of living the life of a real man.

*offer not valid in texas. other restrictions apply.

headlines!

2009-11-06T17:00:00.004-05:00

i don't follow the news. go ahead and judge me, but i just don't. i'm not worldy and i'm not educated... whatever. ESPN is the only reliable source of news that i ever check, and that isn't exactly comprehensive coverage. on Friday, November 06, the following headlines were posted on google news:

Menino urges Congress to pass health care overhaul

i hear a lot of talk about the health care system. i have health care provided from my employer and i have never used it. the problem is that too many people get sick and think that a doctor can do anything about it. my friend pete drinks apple cider vinegar and eats a banana every day and is stronger than an ox. my friend kevin hasn't thrown up in more than decade and a half. the health care system overhaul is simple: don't get sick.

CDC says us making progress on swine flu vaccine

on a related note, i'm not getting the vaccine. i will sacrifice my health for the inmates who need the shot. i haven't gotten a flu shot since i was in elementary school. i don't get the flu (and i'm not going to knock on wood to protect that statement).

can someone tell me why we can't come to a settlement on whether to call this flu "H1N1" or "swine flu?" just pick a label and stick with it.

NJ jurors convict Fla. man in 'fat defense' trial

here's the synopsis of the story:

HACKENSACK, NJ - A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man's defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway.

i walked up a couple flights of stairs today at a school and i got a little winded. since i am in peak physical condition, i can buy the defense of an obese man that he would not be able to pull off the "quick getaway."

$8000 homebuyers tax credit extended

this is good news for my friends kenny and shorty because they are the only responsible people i know who are in the market for a new house. i'm trying to read the fine print to figure out if i can get some cash for buying a doghouse for my dog, calvin. i plan on buying a house sometime around the year 2044. i'd like to, don't get me wrong, but i just don't see it in the immediate future.

Obama: 10.2 Percent Unemployment 'A Sobering Number'

10.2 percent is a sobering number if it's Blood Alcohol Content (or is that the opposite of sobering?)

wasn't obama supposed to fix all this by now?

War at Home: First Responders Describe Carnage at Fort Hood

i actually watched some of the coverage of this last night so i am at least semi-competent to discuss it (not really). the thing about the military is that it creates crazy. soldiers are subjected to horrors that you and i will never dream of. this is a tragedy. did you know that soldiers are dying every day for our country? you don't because nobody ever talks about it. we're desensitized to the daily casualties because it isn't happening next door. i'm guilty of it just as much as anybody, so i'm not throwing stones here. we just need to think about how we can support soldiers and their families better than we are.

Rihanna describes night of attack by Chris Brown

this story is just strange. i've never come close to even consider hitting heidi. i don't know how this happens.

Wanda Sykes promises to pull no punches on new show

why? i can guarantee that under no circumstance will i ever watch this show. t

Tapitsfly wins Breeders' Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf

we went to the track to bet on the ponies a few weekends ago and it was a riot. good times. my betting strategy consisted of picking the first name that stood out to me, and then making sure it was a long shot so my $2 would at least turn in to $14 or more. needless to day i did not walk away a winner that night.

New Mexico suspends hair-pulling soccer player

i need to start watching women's sports. this lambert girl is out of control. the guy from florida was gouging eyes out in a game last weekend, and now this girl from new mexico is forearm-checking and pulling hair. what is wrong with people?

Berlin Prepares for Celebrations 20 Years After Fall of Wall

while playing cranium against our significant others the other night, pete acted out the berlin wall charades-style and i guessed it right. i believe his acting consisted of standing, peering and holding his arms straight out from his torso. great moment.

Honduras leadership in limbo as accord dissolves

i know nothing about foreign affairs. i think the use of "limbo" in this title is inflammatory and derogatory. tomorrow's headline will probably make reference to pinatas and refried beans. you should be above this, Associated Press.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, are you headlines for Friday, November 06, 2009. glad i could provide you with invaluable information that will undoubtedly serve to help you lead a more sophisticated and pompous life.

stuff other people like that i don't

2009-10-03T12:35:00.005-04:00

*** note to reader: my internet pooped out as i went to publish this and i lost at least half of what was written. i'm not saying that you're missing much, but know that there was more, and i was too pissed to re-think and type it out again. i was also too lazy to edit for mistakes, so you're going to have to put up with that as well. enjoy.

had i not missed the first half hour, this could have just as easily been a the quick and the dead running diary. i love westerns, especially ones that are terrible.

i suppose all people are naturally afraid of what they don't know. it's human nature. if you're anything like me, the only civilized thing to do in these situations is to mock that which you don't know. in that spirit, it's time to mock the things that other people find enjoyable in order to elevate my own sense of self-esteem.

STAR WARS

don't get me wrong, i love STAR WARS. i've seen the trilogy a hundred times and may or may not still have fantasies about wielding a lightsaber. but what's the deal with boba fett? why do adults get dressed up like chewbacca and hang out at conventions in cheap hotel lobbies? note to anybody reading: you can like something without getting completely obsessed about it. this happens with all things sci-fi: star trek, battlestar galactica, stargate sg-1, x-files, babylon 5, firefly, LOST (yeah, i went there). give me bret michaels giving some stripper an STD any day, or "seven strangers... finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!" better yet, let's all agree to take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner and actually have some interaction with actual people.

NASCAR

i always hear that NASCAR is the most popular sport in america. really? never mind that driving around in a circle hardly meets the definition of "sport;" (is that a proper use of a semicolon?) when one gets into NASCAR, does he cheer for the car or the driver? the car is the one doing all the work, so why would i pledge allegiance to some guy who pushes a gas peddle and holds a wheel? it all makes very little sense to me. other "sports" i can't support are: hockey, soccer, boxing/mixed martial arts, tennis, golf, and women's sports.

COMIC BOOKS

somewhere in my parents attic, tucked between boxes of baseball cards were supposed to pay for my first house, a collection of GIJOE action figures and buckets of LEGOS, is a box full of iron man, the incredible hulk, fantastic four, x-men, spiderman, and batman comics. i used to buy them to look at the pictures; (again, semicolon?) reading the dialog bubbles was too difficult for my young mind to comprehend. somewhere in junior high i lost interest and figured that my peers would do the same. wrong. they just changed the name to "graphic novel" and dug in deeper.

BIKES

i know i'm going to get some heat on this one (insulting my one loyal reader may not be in my best interest), but i just don't get the whole bike thing. a bicycle is a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation, but why do people feel the need to recreate their identity based on their chosen mode of transportation? those silly little hats with the bill flipped up? walking around with one pant leg rolled up so that everyone in the bar knows you rode your bike here? congratulations, you saved some gas and reduced your carbon footprint. i'm emptying my checking account and buying a horse. now there's a mode of transportation that a man can take pride in. when you see me at the northside tavern, standing against the wall in my boots, chaps, and stetson, you'll think twice about bragging about your bike. and if you have a problem with that, i've got a six-shooter on each side of my belt and we can settle this like men (i'm sorry, this movie's getting to me. i just spent the last 10 minutes on ebay searching for a gun belt with two holsters).

DESSERT

i like ice cream. i like cookies dipped in milk. apple pie also makes me happy. but if i'm going to stuff my face with empty calories, then bring on the cheese. i'll take nachos over a piece of cake any day. chocolate just doesn't do it for me, and i've never understood the sentiment that chocolate is "to die for" or "heavenly sinful." it's pretty ok, but nowhere near the pleasure that comes from deep-fried pretty much anything.

BRETT FAVRE

forget it. let's just move on.

CATS

cats are the worst. they are rude, unpredictable, not fun and stupid. why would anybody choose to let a multitude of these beasts infest their home? the one thing worse than cats themselves - the countless number of pictures of cats with stupid captions on the internet. can i get a google filter that blocks any cat-related images from appearing in my browser? cats have literally no value. if a cat would bring back a ball when i throw it, or bark when a stranger comes to my door, then maybe i'd consider rescinding my hatred. we all know that's not going to happen though, because cats are just going to continue sitting there and plotting how to make our lives miserable. dogs are vastly superior to cats in ever way.

IN CONCLUSION,

i've heard it said that one must face their fears head on in order to overcome them. that sounds like a terrible idea. the only possible result of such action can be viciously frightening things like: intellectual enlightenment, broadening of horizons, and increased compassion and tolerance for others different than yourself. no thanks - i'll hold on to my stereotypes and irrational fears.

the next time the evil mayor played by gene hackman says to you, "you're not fast enough..." you just look him in the eyes and say, "i am today" just like sharon stone did. and then shoot.

crystal balls

2009-09-12T18:37:00.003-04:00

i can't let the football season begin (it already began?) without publishing my division winners picks. kevin posted a full preview because kevin is not married and does not have a life. if you want to be entertained and spend more than 3 minutes looking at how one man believes the NFL will unfold this year, read this. unfortunately, i don't have the ability to write such a comprehensive assessment. i could blame this inability on lack of time, but that would be untrue. i think "other priorities" is more accurate (whatever that means).

winners:

AFC
new england
pittsburgh
tennessee
san diego

NFC
philadelphia
green bay
carolina (that's right)
seattle

since i'm feeling so nostradamus-y, i'll throw some more predictions your way:

1. i will drink a keg's worth of pumpkin beer in the next few months. had the first one of the season last week and am feeling up to the task of trying every variety i can get my fingers on.

2. heidi will run more miles than me over the remainder of the year. currently, (if we are starting today) she is up in miles 10 - 3. if i break her legs then i can catch her. but if i break her legs there might be other repercussions and consequences i am not prepared to deal with.

3. i will regret at least half of those NFL picks. the carolina pick especially will leave me doubting my own intelligence and sexuality.

4. the st. louis cardinals and new york yankees will meet in the world series. i used to believe in the dodgers, but have abandoned that pick faster than my dog calvin can tear the cover off a tennis ball (really fast). st. louis will win because God can't be bought. and since God can't be bought, he will punish the yankees for thinking they could buy a championship. i picture alex rodriquez being torn apart limb from limb by a hungry pack of alley cats on the field.

5. heidi and i will know what the heck we are going to do with our life before the end of '09. should we stay or should we go? if we go, to where will it be?

that's all. for further reading, may i suggest you go back and read my "idioms" post from last week? and yes, kevin, i came up with those on my own. i have a piece of scratch paper with those and more scribbled on it. i spent at least 2 hours coming up with that list and am insulted that you question my intelligence and integrity.

the cat's out of the bag!

2009-09-07T13:06:00.003-04:00

it's labor day, and with absolutely nothing to do today, i will toil away to bring you a long overdue blog.

i love idioms. a picture is worth a thousand words, but i can't draw, so i'll stick with the thousand words to present you with some of my favorites

"tall drink of water"

i get this one all the time, and to be quite honest i kinda like it. if someone is fat, are they a "a huge bite of pizza?"

"barking up the wrong tree"

my dog barks all the time, but never up trees. i guess that means he is on point and i shouldn't tell him to stop.

"what's good for the goose is good for the gander"

"what the hell is a gander anyway?" "it's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her."

"have your cake and eat it too"

it's not too much to ask to be able to eat a piece of cake if one has been offered to you. possession of cake is fine, but rather pointless and un-fulfilling if not consumed.

"actions speak louder than words"

i disagree. words are spoken, not actions. therefore, actions are inaudible, and thus cannot be louder than words, which are, of course, heard.

"an accident waiting to happen"

shawne merriman strangled tila tequila the other night. now that was an accident waiting to happen. except that it most likely wasn't an accident. so more accurately, that would be "a domestic violence waiting to happen."

"six in one, half dozen in the other"

that's one dozen according to my calculations. if i have twelve of anything in my hands, then i am pretty content. unless it's a dozen steaming piles of poop.

"when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

of course, if you have two hand-fulls of poop in your possession, you might as well throw them at your friends for a good laugh.

"kill two birds with one stone"

i once killed a bird with my bb gun. i felt pretty bad about it. had i killed two birds with that one shot, i would have been amazed.

"a bird in hand is better than two in the bush"

not if you're the dead bird. i wonder if birds have idioms that they share with one another: "when berries give you diarrhea, crap on somebody's head."

"a little bird told me"

i don't trust anybody who gets their information from birds, or any other animal. the only talking bird i trust is Big Bird, and he wasn't little.

"if you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs"

the current cincinnati reds' season is a lot of broken eggs, but no omelet in sight.
all's well that ends well... except not.

"don't put all your eggs in one basket"

what is it with idioms about fowl and their offspring? better advice would be: don't put eggs in your jeans' pockets and ride a bike.

"don't count your chickens before they hatch"

again with the reproductive habits of fowl. it's enough already.

"a watched pot never boils"

untrue: i just watched a pot of water boil in order to cook my macaroni & cheese. (we call that research, and i'm willing to put in the extra work to provide a quality product).

"two peas in a pod"

anthony bourdain just compared a dish that he was eating to "having sex with twins." "identical twins in a uterus" would convey similarity better than "two peas in a pod."

"beggars can't be choosers"

can choosers be beggars? if so, that's unfair.

"a day late and a dollar short"

one day and one dollar? i feel like we can work something out here. are you really going to "bust my chops" over something so minor?

"an apple a day keeps the doctor away"

if an apple is "just what the doctor ordered," and the result is good health and less-frequent visits from patients, perhaps the doctor should consider another order that is more financially advantageous.

"cool as a cucumber"

if this refers to temperature, then there are several items that are cooler than a cucumber. if the reference is to personality, "cool as jay z" would be appropriate (speaking of HOV, the news of his album release being moved up to tomorrow has me feeling "like a kid in the candy store." "dollars for donuts" it will be great.

"an ax to grind"

you can only grind an ax for so long before it's time to just "bury the hatchet."

"cat got your tongue?"

apparently there are many cats getting many tongues in the world of baseball. taking steroids not only shrinks your balls and expands your cranium, but also has adverse effect on the tongue. (allowing the cat to get your tongue is an attempt to circumvent "eating crow" or having "egg on your face," rather than "taking the bull by the horns").

"best of both worlds"

is this the experience of having your cake and eating it too?

"bring home the bacon"

my mother-in-law brings home bacon all the time. she works for a bacon company.

"colder than a witches' tit"

that's just funny.

"go fly a kite"

and if you tie a key to that kite and fly it in a lightening storm, you just might discover electricity.

"beating a dead horse"

as in, "justin, this blog is beating a dead horse. take a hike!"

remembering "the king of pop" (or not)

2009-08-15T13:39:00.004-04:00

it's 1:39 on a saturday afternoon, which can only mean one thing: somewhere there is a michael jackson retrospective special on tv.

the reason for my extended absence from this blog was a conscious decision to not post until the media settled down with it's MJ coverage, but since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, i guess i'll figure out some way to waste our collective time.

break the silence.

+++ the other day a one of my clients (an 11-year old boy) said, "for your FYI..."

this is brilliant, and lead me to think of some other great statements:

- "by the BTW..."
- "my estimated ETA is..."
- "what the WTF?"
- "oh my OMG!"
- "thank God it's TGIF"
- "too much TMI"

feel free to drop some of these gems in everyday conversation and be the envy of all your friends.

and if you are interested, a comprehensive list of internet-style slang can be found here.

+++ after watching 2.5 minutes of Keeping up with the Kardashians, i'm ready to exterminate the entire human race. we've had a good run, but i'm pretty sure primates, earthworms, and giraffes would demonstrate more dignity and intelligence at this point.

+++ last night my friends kenny, shorty and i were deliberating whether or not to go out following the atrocity that was the reds-nationals game. as we stood in kenny's driveway, we allowed a coin flip to decide our fate. the quarter landed on tails and we all went home. shorty joked that we should have called kevin to tell us what to do, and we agreed this would have been a better solution than our coin flip. the reason i tell this story is to illustrate the inability of three grown men to make a simple decision. embarrassing.

+++ speaking of the reds' game, adam dunn is looking leaner than in his cincinnati days. do they not have Waffle Houses in D.C.?

+++ Rio Bravo is better than Bladerunner.

+++ in reviewing what i have written so far, it is evident that i have no regard for the rules of capitalization. i'm a rebel when it comes to punctuation and grammar. i do whatever i want in part because i want to, but mostly because i am lazy.

+++ i was terrified earlier this week when i saw a headline that read: "heidi poses in playboy." thankfully, it was not my wife.

(i found this out from reading the rest of the article, not from looking at playboy.)

+++ speaking of heidi (my wife, not the wench of MTV's The Hills fame)... she baked up some pizzas earlier this week that would make your knees weak. have i ever mentioned how fortunate i am to be married to this woman? right now there is approximately 86k calories of cookie in our kitchen.

+++ heidi also got a haircut recently and now has bangs again. i would post a picture, but if you want to see her, you'll have to come visit us. this point did not need to be included, but i want it published on the world wide web how attractive she is.

+++ and that concludes the "heidi is great" segment of this blog. tune in next time as i wax poetically about heidi's dancing, singing and parallel parking skills.

+++ The Wire, even the second time through, is absolutely perfect. i wish 'bunny' colvin was my grandfather. he's good po-lice

+++ pete and heather asked me to be an usher for their upcoming wedding. although they were unaware at the time, i informed them of my extensive ushering and groomsmen experience in order to calm any anxiety they might have regarding my ability to fulfill this important task. for example, in the last wedding i worked, the bride's grandmother, mother and a bridesmaid were all walked down the aisle by yours truly. that's three trips up without a single incident, and three more ladies who can speak to my professional, yet fun-loving approach to the wedding performance business. i'm available for hire and am listed in the yellow pages under Gigolos (it was the best i could think of).

+++ i already mowed the lawn and washed the dishes, so don't judge me for the excessive amount of time i wasted on writing down these thoughts.

Why I Was Doomed to Never Become a Professional Athlete

2009-07-27T21:45:00.000-04:00

Awhile back Kevin called me up with a delightful idea to do a back-and-forth blog. Of course, my response was a resounding "heck yes." We traded emails about the subject at hand and came up with what you are about to read. If my mom is reading this, I'm sorry for all of Kevin's cursing.

KEVIN: I crack under pressure. Over the past few years, I've come to grips with this. It's not something I'm proud of, but something I've learned to deal with and even joke about (even though with each joke, my confidence crumbles just a little more, and I slip deeper into a chasm of inadequacy).

Anyway, this last 4th of July weekend, I visited Cincinnati to enjoy the annual event my friends and I have succinctly titled "Let's go watch $2500 worth of fireworks get shot off in Billy's backyard." Before the "oooohs" and "aaahhhs" commenced, a large group of us were playing a muddy, sloppy game of backyard volleyball (another tradition). Normally in large groups, I'm an adequate and sometimes even good "athlete." I hang back, do my part, and even occasionally put someone in their place with a completely unintended and perfectly placed shot.

(In order to salvage a few scraps of pride, I want to quickly make the point that I'm not like Smalls from Sandlot. I don't close my eyes and stick my hand up in the air and have a phenom (Benny) cover for me by hitting a perfect fly ball right into my mitt. My asshole doesn't tighten when the ball's heading toward me. I know how to play sports, and those of you who know me can attest. By the way, if Benny was so good, why the hell was he being put in as a pinch runner at the end of the movie when he was playing for the Dodgers? Sure, he stole home, but I've already seen that happen like three times this baseball season, so big deal. And everyone knows that pinch runners are usually shitbag players. Terrible directorial decision).

Okay, now back to my point. We weren't keeping score in this volleyball game, so the main objective for anyone with competitive blood was to get in a solid block or swat that shit back in an unsuspecting 15-year old girl's face. What else could the objective possibly be? Finally, after about an hour of playing in the rain and waiting for my opportunity, a ball was lofted my way. In moments like this, I don't even think about choking. I used to, but now I feel like it's become so ingrained in my psyche that my brain doesn't really need to expend any energy in embarrassing me. It just does. So as the ball was getting larger and larger in my eyes, I jumped up, cocked my arm, and whiffed with such an intensity that the ball hit me in the head on the way back down. Laughs ensued, and I played it off by laughing as well (this is a recent development in my cracking under pressure personality trait. I used to get bent out of shape, but now I find it almost comical enough to the point where I laugh as well . . . almost).

JUSTIN: I was there when Kevin whiffed on the volleyball, and I can tell that it was hilarious. Classic choke-ery.

As a fellow struggling CUPA (crack under pressure anonymous), I can affirm that this syndrome is crippling. I should ask our friend Heather, who is a therapist, if there is a diagnosis in DSM IV for this condition. Perhaps we can be prescribed medicine that will alleviate our daily pain.

I could share stories about all the times I have cracked under pressure, but I already wrote about it on the blog a few months ago so I'll skip reliving those traumas now. As i think about it, perhaps the key is going back to our pasts and examining what went wrong early on in order to discover the underlying factors that contribute to this inadequacy.

Blame rests squarely on the shoulders of my parents. They were too supportive. My dad wasn't athletic and never yelled at me to try harder or do better. If i had the dad from Varsity Blues, I probably would have experienced more success. If I was afraid to fail, because I would be beat or verbally abused when I got home, I would have learned to deal with the pressure would have been a better sportsman because of it. It worked for James Van Der Beek. All of this "I'm proud of you son" and "as long as you did your best..." talk did nothing but make me mentally weak. Thanks a lot, Dad. My son will get no support whatsoever and will thank me for it when he's older.

So am i screwed? Is there hope for things to get better? Probably not. But perhaps it can be overcome in another way. And i'm talking about performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) here. Listen, we kill athletes who crack under pressure. Alex Rodriguez can hit the cover off a baseball in innings 1-8, but when the game is on the line, he wilts like a delicate rose in the Sahara desert. For years Barry Bonds was considered a failure under pressure ('02 Series performance changed that), Donovan McNabb has thrown up on the field, Tony Romo can't hold a snap, and on and on. These guys are infamous in their mishandling of pressure. Hell, it can even extend to an entire organization (New York Mets in previous two years, Boston Red Sox until '04, Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs, etc.) Peyton Manning can't handle the pressure. neither can Lebron James.

I'm not suggesting that all of these players are on steroids, but I'm making the point that one can be extremely successful in spite of his/her inability to perform well under pressure. So, what is the PED that you and I can stick in our own ass (figuratively)? The key for guys like you and me is to inflate our "stats" in the 99 meaningless scenarios in our lives, so that when the pressure cooker is turned up,
the whiff won't define us.

Here's my other ray of hope to offer: ESPN2 is showing NFL's Greatest Games right now - 99 playoffs: Niners vs. Packers. Terrell Owens dropped four passes throughout the course of that game and looked like the ultimate goat. I remember watching that game and being disgusted with the whole thing. I wanted to murder Terrell Owens. Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver of all time is catch-less while T.O. is playing football with concrete blocks fastened to his hands. Brett Favre, the ultimate under pressure guy is looking like he gets to add another fourth quarter comeback to his bloated resume, and I'm about to cry/vomit/commit suicide. Jerry Rice uncharacteristically cracks under pressure and fumbles (oh wait, the officials decide to intercede and make a terrible call to keep the drive going) and then what happens? As if God himself decided to intercede on behalf of all chokers everywhere, Terrell Owens gets his wooden hands on a ball thrown by Steve Young with three seconds on the clock to win the game 30-27. redemption under pressure.

So there are the two options we have in order to overcome this disorder: inflate our regular season stats to diminish the failures in pressure situations, or blow it repeatedly and wait for God himself to give us one shining moment of glory. You decide.

KEVIN I think you're trying to bait me in with the Peyton Manning comment, so I'll bite. Cracking under pressure when you're a Super Bowl winner immediately disqualifies you. Sure, he's had some wayward moments in the playoffs, but he got it done in 2006, thus voiding all previous chokes. There is no argument to be had here. I'm right.

Wilts like a delicate rose in the Sahara Desert? Wow. That was quite the wing-dinger. Anyway, I'd like to think we could inflate our "stats" to supersede our choking in pressure packed moments, but you're basically disproving that theory through your list of athletes who put up monster stats but never come through when it matters. McNabb has been in five NFC Championship games in the past decade and has no Super Bowl to show for it. That's outrageous. You think people are going to talk about his consistent playoff prowess or his inability to win the big game? It'll be the latter every single time. Remember that clip of Steve Young having the imaginary monkey pulled off his back before he finally won a Super Bowl during the years of Cowboys domination? No way is he looked at in the same light unless he wins a Super Bowl and proves that he's some kind of equivalent to Montana (even though we all know he's not).

Daniel LaRusso was right. During the heart wrenching scene in the locker room following his leg mutilation at the hands of the Cobra Kai, Mr. Miyagi tells Daniel that he had nothing more to prove. He had accomplished the necessary steps to earn respect. I say fuck that. Daniel knew that if he forfeited the championship match, then that's what he was gong to be remembered for, and it would never be square in his mind. So, he sucked it up, raised a middle finger to the pressure, and went out and crane kicked Johnny Lawrence's ass right back to Beverly Hills. And you know what happened? Johnny handed Daniel the trophy and told him he was "all right." While, I thought the final scene was forced (given the collective personality, shouldn't the Cobra Kai be made up of bitter, enraged sore losers?), it solidified Daniel's reputation as a winner who could meet the pressure head on. Plus, he probably got to fuck Elisabeth Shue later that night in the ball pit at Golf N' Stuff.

JUSTIN Kevin is forcing me to type this with correct capitalization because Kevin can't handle my free-wheelin' ways. I don't conform to the archaic and tedious rules of grammar that Kevin, the editor, is a slave to. A period is sufficient to mark the beginning and end of a sentence, and a capital letter is unnecessary to convey this meaning.

That being said, you're right Kevin, I was baiting you with that Peyton Manning comment - and it worked. I have nothing more to say about that.

Danel Larussa is a classic example of somebody who spent his entire life cracking under pressure, but was able to overcome because of a completely unpredictable event that changed the course of history. Had Johnny Lawrence not swept Daniel's leg, I'm relatively certain Daniel would not have been able to pull that figurative monkey off his back. Aside from his completely unrealistic swagger and confidence in courting young women, there is no indication that Daniel was ever up to the task of completing an objective under pressure. Dude was a whiny little girl who threw his bike in the dumpster 'cause he fell and skinned his knee.

If Daniel can do it, then so can we. I mean it, if Hollywood has taught us anything about anything, it is that the improbable can and will happen. Johnny Utah, star quarterback for Ohio State, cracked under pressure in the Rose Bowl three years ago (actually his knee got folded about 90 degrees the wrong way, but my point is better made if he failed because he couldn't handle the pressure).

Do you Remember the Titans? Of course you do. You remember this team not because they won a game (Did they win the state title? I don't even remember), but because they overcame adversity. Sure, we might not have to overcome racism or any other -ism to succeed, but we have to succeed.

This is how we settle it: You, me, and two vehicles on an abandoned stretch of road for a game of "chicken." That's right, two motor vehicles barreling toward each other at excessive speeds with the result of one man standing tall and the other man most likely flying off a cliff in a burning inferno of flaming car. If you and I would put everything on the line, one of us would have to be victorious. Although one of us would have to deal with the pain of failing under pressure once again, at least one of us (most likely me) would break out of the funk. This has to work. It can't fail.

KEVIN:You're assumption that you'd be able to rebound out of a life full of cracking under pressure is beyond me. How you got married, I'll never know. I admit that took balls, but I guess by the time the wedding's actually happening, you can't really back out anyway. Who's going to eat all the shrimp cocktails and drink all the Keystone Light? By the wedding day, you're already in so deep, it's pretty much impossible to puss out. It would almost be more courageous to call the wedding off the day of instead of go through it. So, I take it back (this is no slight to Justin, or Heidi for that matter. Their wedding was a fucking blast).

Obviously, I'm being cynical, but who's really surprised with that? Even though you don't really believe it, I appreciate your confidence in breaking out of our lifelong funks, Justin. It's an admirable trait.

I'm going to wrap up my side of this inaugural joint blog post with a little blame heaved on my parents. I lacked toughness growing up. I lacked the guttural spunk and drive that could've easily catapulted me through junior high and high school with an air of confidence. Why is that, though? I played competitive sports growing up (soccer, baseball, basketball). However, I was forbidden to play football, regardless of my pleas and demands to do so. Herein lies the problem. While some don't need a solid contact sport to make them tough and succeed at not choking, I'm confident it would've aided me in my efforts. As of right now, I enjoy Project Runway more than I probably should; I only have one tattoo; aside from a creepy strip of hair on my upper lip, I can't grow facial hair; I'm pretty much pale as fuck most of the year; The end of the movie A League of Their Own brings a tear to my eye every time; and so on. These aren't tough qualities.

If I had been raised playing football, an at times violent brute sport, I'm positive I'd be somewhere chopping down redwoods, putting out a forest fires, walking over hot coals barefoot, or playing tight end on a playoff bound football team. No doubt about it. Given, my mom was looking out for me because it's pretty much guaranteed that at some point in my football career I'd dislocate a shoulder, tear an ACL, or break a wrist, but shit, how fucking tough would I have looked then?

For now, I've accepted my role as a strange hybrid of a diehard sports fan/hipster/nerd/person. Am I doomed to crack under pressure for the rest of my life? Who knows. I don't think we really even answered the fucking question. I occasionally come through in the clutch. But this mainly happens when I'm playing video games by myself or shooting a crinkled up piece of paper into the trash can. Eh whatever, I'll take it.

JUSTIN

Well, I'm cured.

For those of you who weren't there, I visited Kevin up in Chicago this weekend and had a blast. Late Saturday night (roughly 3 a.m. or so) in the back room of some bar that we were hanging out at because Kevin is hip and cool and has connections now, there was a game of pool being played that inevitably would change my life. Kevin and his foul-mouthed female associate against me and a dude named Phil. I talked up my game before we started, and proceeded to miss every single shot. Phil knocked in every one of our solids while I engaged in a comedy of errors. My game was a wreck - until the pressure was on. That's right, 8-ball staring me in the face. I leaned down, surveyed the table, lined up my shot, and broke the curse, while breaking the spirit of my opponents.

In Independence Day, those aliens thought they were pretty special. They thought they had it all figured out, and for a second there, it looked like they did. It was sad to see Alex, from Saved By the Bell: The College Years get blown up by a giant tractor beam from a UFO while standing atop that funky building in Los Angeles. All was lost. Even Jeff Goldblum had given up because he was smarter than everyone else and saw the handwriting on the wall.

Do you remember who saved the day? Of course you remember Will Smith as the conquering hero, but do you remember his life up to that point? Rejected time and time again from NASA (apparently because his girlfriend was a stripper? Not sure what that had to do with anything), unable to decide whether to pull the trigger and get hitched to his girl, and meddling in an uneventful life with his dog, Boomer.

When the moment was the most tense, the pressure was greatest, the stakes the highest, and the fate of humanity itself on the line, the NASA reject saved the world. Will Smith flew an alien ship into the belly of the beast and killed all the tyrannical aliens. I made an extremely easy shot to win a game of pool against some drunk people - i think the two are congruous. I'm ready to move on.

the matrix (and other stuff)

2009-07-02T22:29:00.003-04:00

it's thursday night, the wife is gone, and the matrix is on. you know what that means...

in the past week i have had two blog ideas ruined:

1) i planned a running diary of the soccer game on sunday between usa and some country in south america. i was so excited because i know nothing about soccer, and relish the opportunity to mock things that i don't understand. i was going to make fun of the sport, the weird beehive noise throughout the game and anything else i could observe and report upon. but alas, i was invited to go swimming at the norwood community pool, and in spite of my best efforts to reject this invitation, in the end i decided to let my real life infringe upon and ruin my e-life. i'm sorry.

2) i had all these thoughts about the death of michael jackson and planned to share them with you, but bill simmons and chuck klosterman stole my thunder by discussing the reaction to the reaction of his death in detail, to the point that i figured i would be seen as ripping them off. suffice it to say, that we all went to a high school where the weird drama kid died unexpectedly and everybody started pouring on the emotion in order to make it all about them. we love any reason to make anything about us. michael jackson is a tragic figure because he has been used his entire life. even in his death, he is being used.

"don't give me any of that juris-my-diction crap..." what a line. and it didn't even come from keanu. i'm sure i will have some classic lines to share in the coming moments.

have i mentioned that facebook is destroying my blog? yes i have. let's move on

"i'm trying to free your mind. i can only show you the door. you're the one who has to walk through it." - morpheus to neo.

4th of july? i'm a fan. wrote about this last year, and gave you 1776 reasons why i love this holiday. these reasons still ring true today, as loud as the liberty bell.

in this economy, even Zion is in trouble. watch out for the sentinels!

my friend kevin is at an 'explosions in the sky' show right now and keeps texting me about the grandeur and majesty of it all. so very jealous.

keanu: [blank stare]

do i spend more time with my dog than any other person? that can't be healthy. on the plus side, he has seen me at my worst and loves me just the same.

keanu: "what vase? i'm sorry."

i wish patrick swayze was in this movie. the only way this experience could be better would be if instead of neo, johnny utah was the main character. i love point break.

i was naive to think that if i just started watching a movie that i have seen a thousand times and started typing my thoughts that this would go somewhere, but as the clock approaches midnight, it is apparent that this is not the case. i'm not even going to spell check this thing. call it a rough draft (with no revisions to follow).

on my mind.

2009-06-23T21:28:00.005-04:00

these are the things i'm thinking about right now:

john and kate are getting divorced. malcom gladwell and his smart friends saw this coming years ago. if you don't know what i am talking about, then do yourself a favor and go buy the following three books: "tipping point," "blink," and "outliers." in "blink," gladwell tells about some psychologists who can look at married people and within 15 minutes be able to predict with over 85% accuracy whether this couple will last. it's called thin-slicing and it's fascinating. of course when it comes to the dominating demon that is kate matched with the passive pansy john, it's not that hard to see. in reality, i'm sad about this because divorce is sad. divorce is tragic. i don't watch the show and i don't know much about it, but when you cut through the gossip-column celebrity obsession b.s., it's a sad thing when two people decide that they can't live with one another anymore. i wish it didn't happen to people, and i pray to God everyday that it doesn't happen to heidi and i.

yes, i know that they are making a "where the wild things are" movie. yes, i'm excited about it. that book was my favorite as a child and obviously i have a big enough connection with it to defile myself with a tattoo of it's images. but i swear that if another stranger asks to see my arm, and then makes some sort of comment about the forthcoming movie i am going to start firing shots into the crowd (yes, i carry a firearm at all times). i like spike jonze a lot (director) but think david eggers is a tool (screenwriter). will i be there opening night? yes i will.

people who know me, or any male born between 1976 and 1985 have been asking me if i am excited about the upcoming GIJOE movie. my answer is that i am not. mostly, i just don't pay attention to movies because i never go to see them, but also, i don't trust hollywood. i didn't see transformers because i didn't think it would be as good as the old cartoon with the sweet metal theme song. i refuse to watch 99% of the remakes that are made each year because frankly, i just can't support these money-making ploys that prey upon our collective nostalgia.

slow sports season right now. i need something to happen to spice it up. i'm hoping that "brett favre orders a steak at outback - considers retiring from retirement" scrolls across the ticker on espn just so i have something to complain about.

wait? brett favre is in the news every day because he's debating another return to football this year? this is really happening again? and some people still think that he's not the biggest turd to ever put on a helmet? i don't believe it. kevin and i have been telling you people for years to quit supporting this guy. don't say we didn't warn you.

kevin and i are so smart. (and yes kevin, "american history x" is a very good movie. but you knew that because you're almost as smart as i am).

i'm not angry. i realize that all of my comments so far have come across as condescending and vehement, but in reality, i'm in a really good mood. an unexpected date with heidi tonight afforded me some good talks, beer and comet's jerk tofu burrito, so how could i be in a poor mood? that would be silly.

one month from today i will head up to chicago to catch a cubs-reds game at wrigley with kevin. this is going to be the best. i will tweet/facebook/blog all about it.

just watched season 1 of "the wire" again this past week. if you haven't watched this show by now then we can just stop being friends and go our separate ways. i'm telling you that if you give it a chance and watch it that you will lose your damn mind. i watched some of the commentaries this time too, and can tell you that i am completely convinced that this was the smartest and most well-done show ever made. just watch it. you have no excuse. i'm going to get on facebook and see if they have a "which 'the wire' character are you?" i hope i'm bunk.

my fears have been confirmed. facebook has robbed my creative ingenuity by stealing the everyday thoughts that i usually collect and collaborate into a fine blog each week for your reading pleasure.

i'm concerned that the annual camping trip isn't going to happen. am i in charge of this thing? why is nobody asking me about it? is anybody still on board with this thing?

listened to a message today called "just do something" by this guy deyoung. it was motivating and convicting. i could be doing a lot more with my life if i just left the house and started something without thinking through all the possible ways that it could fail. malcom gladwell would be so disappointed in me, especially since i was born in april and should be much more successful than i am. jimmy mcnulty didn't think about all bad stuff that would happen if he went after the baltimore drug game without reserve. he just did it. and so should i.

did i mention that you should read malcom gladwell's books?

did i mention that you should watch "the wire?"

what are you waiting for? we could have so much more to talk about if you would just do something...

(see how i just tied all those things together like that? i'm good.)

regrettably yours,

2009-06-12T17:27:00.003-04:00

it's been awhile. i missed you too.

i'm back with a list of regrets for your reading pleasure. some ideas might be repeats, but in all honesty, what blog of mine is not a repeat of previous posts? i don't have any new ideas. i don't have anything new to say. and when i do think of something to say, i waste it on a facebook update.

+ in 1992 i traded a TOPPS mark mcgwire rookie card to my neighbor for a 1986 TOPPS jose uribe (R.I.P.) card with a pushpin hole in the upper left-hand corner. i agreed to this trade because the giants (whom uribe played for) were my favorite baseball team and i didn't care about the monetary value of baseball cards - i only cared to collect cards of the players who wore the uniform of my favorite team. in hindsight, mcgwire ruined his legacy by using steroids and both cards are probably worth less than 3 cents today. the regret lies in the fact that i am terrible when it comes to savvy investments and money-making ventures, and i believe that this terrible trade most-clearly exemplifies this inadequacy in my life. i don't have stocks and i've never made any considerable amount of money in any arena of life. if i would have made a better trade with my neighbor, perhaps i would have gained confidence and invested in google during the early stages. perhaps i would have played the lottery just once in my life and won millions. maybe i would have bought and sold real estate during the height of the housing market. in this economy, it seems that everyone is in the same boat as me now, but the difference is that others will eventually make money when things turn around, but i will still be trading away my all star cards for utility players who bat below the mendoza line (figuratively, of course).

+ my first car was a 1988 acura integra. i bought the car just before i went to college in 1998. the car was pretty much a piece of junk, but my regret is for something much more egregious. hanging from the rearview mirror of my first car was a set of large, white fuzzy dice. in my defense, i did not purchase them (i took them from my roommate) and the hanging of the dice was a tribute to the song "the land of racecar ya yas" by cake. in the song, there is a line that states "where large fuzzy dice, still hang proudly, like testicles from rearview mirrors." i thought that was pretty funny, and still do, but as i look in the rearview mirror of my life, i regret seeing fuzzy dice in my wake.

i do not regret the less than jake bumper sticker that i slapped on the back of the same car.

+ picking the oakland A's as my dark horse team for the '09 baseball season. the pick is looking slightly less abhorrent recently (8-2 in last 10) and at least i didn't pick the royals (sorry kevin), but i could have, and should have done better.

+ i should have obtained my teaching certification when i was completing my undergrad. instead i took on some loans and got an MA in theology that earns me serious bucks now... i don't regret getting that degree, but as i search ways to get into the teaching field (something i've always wanted to do) ten years later, i realize i could have saved myself a lot of trouble if i just took care of it back then.

+ myspace. everybody was doing it, and it's not the worst thing in the world, but having a myspace account now feels as silly as hammer pants, feathered hair, slap bracelets and reebok pumps. what happened myspace? i checked my account the other day for the first time in weeks and it was like a ghost town over there. myspace used to be the hot new nightclub that people waited in line for hours to get into, but then this flashy new club called 'facebook' opened up across town and is now just days away from having the electricity shut off and the liquor license revoked. myspace users are like 45 year-old recently-divorced guys with hair plugs still hanging out at the old club scanning for drunk chicks to impress with a line like, "you see that mazda miata out front... yeah, that's mine."

+ as american history x is showing on television now, i can say with full confidence that i do not regret never getting involved in any sort of neo-nazi, hitler youth movement. recently my wife tore down letters posted around the town of florence that were posted on telephone poles to communicate that the good (white) citizens of florence need to wake up, rise up, and rage against the minorities that are living in this city. the hate in this letter is excruciating and filthy. i want to fight it somehow, but i'm not sure how without getting bricks thrown through my window and death threats. ignorance is retarded.

+ tattoos. i'm not old and wrinkled yet, but we all know that it's coming and permanent ink on my body of religious symbols, children's literature and drawings done by six year-olds will not look good in 30 years. heck, they don't look that good now. fortunately i do not have to regret swastikas and d.o.c, tattoos on my body, so at least i have that going for me.

+ i had a chance to buy a motorcycle for really cheap in 2000. it was a nice bike and i got my license in preparation for the purchase, but at the last minute i backed out. my parents and girlfriend at the time played the biggest role in ruining my fun. thanks a lot. sometimes i think about how cool i would have been riding around on my bike. sometimes i think about the likelihood that i would have crashed and burned and ended up paralyzed or skinless. but mostly i think about how cool it would have been.

+ when i got older, and it wasn't cool to play with toys anymore, my friends and i destructed my GIJOES through various acts of destruction and basic tom-foolery. explosions, falls from a great height, and general dismantling (we thought it was funny to mix the parts of the figures up - like putting GI jane's legs on snake eyes' body with the head of sgt. slaughter). i wish my GIJOE collection was ready to be given to my first-born son one day. he's going to be as mad at me as i was at my dad when i found out that he threw out all his old comics and baseball cards.

+ brian, i wouldn't regret you.

+ i regret not posting a blog for 2+ weeks. you deserve better than this.

kids, man

2009-05-29T15:46:00.004-04:00

my wife lost her phone and camera last weekend up in oakley.

we thought they were long gone because in reality, when does that kind of stuff ever come back to you?

heidi took some time from her very busy and active work schedule to create some fancy signs to put up in the neighborhood where the electronics were lost with a big "$50 reward" claim to entice would-be helpers.

as i went to put the signs up today after work, some juvenile delinquent hollers at me to inquire of my business in his neighborhood.

"you lose a dog?"

"no, cell phone and camera."

"what's the camera look like"

i described the camera

"i think my friend mikey might have it. lemme check. is there a reward?"

"yeah man, $50 for the phone and camera. i'll give you $20 for your trouble if you can help me out."

we walk down to some house and this kid asks me to wait outside while he goes into the house to figure out his next move.

"it's in here! hold on, he's just deleting some of the pictures he took on it."

so i'm waiting outside while these kids delete the pictures they took of their testicles and morning bowls of cereal and thinking to myself, 'i feel like i'm on 'the shield' right now or something. i gotta pay this kid to lead me to the source or something like that. i could so be a cop.'

"here it is man. so you got that $20?"

"yeah man, here it is. thanks for your help."

"no problem. i know how it feels, i lost my $200 phone and $200 camera and wallet at the st. cecilia festival last week and nobody helped me out."

"that sucks man - did you put up signs that offered rewards if the items were returned?"

"nah, i knew i'd never get that shit back."

"i hear that."

"if i can find your phone, can i get the rest of the money?"

"sure kid, why not."

i drive away feeling all at once excited to get the camera back and confident that this hustler is going to track down my phone, as well as pissed off that i've got to pay some derelict kids a bunch of cash just to get this stuff back.

fast forward a half hour and i'm just getting home when i see that i'm getting a call from an unknown number:

"you lose a phone?"

"yeah."

"silver lg shine?"

"yeah."

"there's a $50 reward for it?"

"well i got the camera back already so i'll give you half."

"so $30 for the phone?"

either this kid sucks at math (a very real possibility) or my new friend from a half hour ago hit the pavement in an effort to either make some more cash or flex his altruistic muscles.

"half of $50 is $25. do you have the phone? i'll give you $25 if i get the phone back"

"yeah, i got the phone. i'll give it to you for $25."

i'm getting ripped off here. these kids are really testing my patience.

"alright kid, my wife is getting off work and she'll come get the phone from you. where are you?"

"drive through on the corner. she's gonna give me $25, right?"

"yeah dante, she'll give you $25. just stay there for another 20 minutes and she'll come pick it up."

"it doesn't work."

"the battery's dead. i just have to charge it."

"oh. (long pause). so i still get the $25?"

"yeah, you still get the money. just be waiting at the drive through with the phone. thanks for your help."

i'm sitting at home now waiting for heidi to get here. my hope is that the transaction went smoothly, but i have no way of knowing since the phone is dead. as i wait impatiently my thoughts turn to grandiose dreams of the good-ol-days when people helped people just because it was the right thing to do. when neighbors helped neighbors and a cup of sugar was only a door down if you were baking a pie. i thought about kids playing in sprinklers while parents gossiped about the latest action down at the corner store. i imagined a world in which some kid would yell out to me from his 2nd-story house to see if he could help me out, and courteously turn down my offer of a few bucks for his trouble because he is a boy scout, and he helps old ladies across the street and stuff like that according to "scout's honor." i guess there just aren't as many boy scouts as there used to be.

beat blog

2009-05-26T17:22:00.005-04:00

in the tradition of jack kerouac, allen ginsberg, the dude who wrote naked lunch (i can't look up the author on the internet or i would lose my stream of consciousness and destroy the premise of this blog) and the rest of the beat writers, i present my random thoughts in no particular order

it seems appropriate to give a rundown of the weekend past. i suppose i could have been tweeting and f-booking these events throughout the course of the weekend, but i'm not ready to type, "going to the store. skim milk for my wheat chex in the morning" just yet. here's the highlights: back/front yard grill out/potlucks three nights in a row. i lost approximately 14 pints of blood to mosquitoes this weekend. taste of cincinnati was a hit. i have some adjustments i would make to the festival, but i can't complain too much because i got bbq from two good places and beers from three local brewers. almost saw the reds win a game yesterday, but the rain came down and forced us out of the stadium. after 2 hours of rain delay they returned to secure the win, but i wasn't there to see the win, so i'm 0-3-1 in reds' games this year. lifetime movies with my wife. lack of sleep. excess of food and beer. lebron's shot (x 4,918).

speaking of facebook/twitter, many of you have been asking how it's going since i took the plunge (nobody has asked. heidi makes snide comments every time she sees me on facebook in a constant reminder of how i swore i would never do this, but that's not really asking. in two weeks my own wife will allow me to be her friend once my probation ends and i'm looking forward to this). i like both of these sites and i find myself more interested than i thought i would be in what my friends are actually doing. consequently, the blog is suffering, which is why you're getting random thoughts instead of something that is actually thought out and interesting. i feel like i have to check twitter often, because if i don't i might miss something. like the rest of the world is planning some hoax/prank/lark against me that i can stop from happening simply by spying on what is being said and putting it to death.

i miss pranks. i went to a lot of sleep-overs as a kid and the best part of sleep-overs is staying up until death because of the knowledge that whoever falls asleep first would fall victim to underwear in the freezer, finger in warm water, feather-to-the-nose tickle with shaving cream-on-the-palm, toothpaste in the ear, mass quantities of toilet paper, artificial insemination... you get the idea. tonight i'm freezing heidi's underwear. she's going to freak out!

i got into an interesting conversation about hipsters at one of the many backyard parties i went to this weekend. the person i asked to define hipster for me did so with the usual condemnation and went on to discuss how hipsters are people who think that they have found something cooler than most people and love to talk about it and define themselves by it. i checked with wikipedia to make sure that this person knew what she was talking about and it seems to fit. if this definition is accurate, then i don't know a single person who is not a hipster (myself included) but i hardly ever hear the term "hipster" without the term "douche" immediately following. so if everyone is a hipster, then doesn't it kind of lose it's meaning? saying "you're such a human" just doesn't have the same ring as it did when neanderthals and cro-magnum man were still wielding their clubs in the clubs. let's put an end to this term (if it hasn't already been put to death. does anyone even talk like this anymore? i'm so out of touch with reality).

speaking of reality, let's take a moment for "justin's reality tv anecdote of the week." just looking at mtv, i'm amazed at how the latest show (taking the stage) has infiltrated and perhaps influenced society. mtv started the whole "reality television simply for the sake of voyeurism without any cash-winning motivations." the real world is the grandfather and got it all going. this show was accessible (and still is) to just about any college/post-college kid. it has a premise (7 strangers, picked to live in a house...) but is short-lived and not very real (strangers aren't picked to live in houses and have their lives taped). laguna beach came along and gave birth to the hills. in this brand of reality television, we just watch people whom we believe to have better/more glamorous lives than us. people from across the world will watch a couple of personality-less drones talk/cry/stare for a half hour each week. there is no point. there is no real drama. there is nothing that happens in this show that is interesting, except the fact that it takes place in beautiful southern california and is just steps away from celebrity-dom of hollywood. but then came taking the stage. set in a mid-major city in the middle of america (cincinnati, oh) and featuring high school kids (drama/dance/performer crazy high school kids, but kids nonetheless). this show was pretty terrible, but pretty amazing at the same time. think about mtv's target audience - junior high/high school kids from across america. a show like this has to appeal to the kids in the big cities, but what about the kids in jackson hole, wy, jefferson city, mi, or eureka, ca? what do they have to relate to? how about some average-looking kids trying to figure this crazy life out while dancing hip hop and ballet and singing ballads? most kids aren't as talented as this crew, but there's a lot to relate to. and my question is how much will this influence the current generation (is it still gen y? is it z now? who knows these things?) how are kids figuring out what is cool? where do kids go to learn how to break up with their girlfriend without looking like a jerk? the same place we've always gone. so is "taking the stage" the most real television has ever been? it's scripted and edited to perfection, but it's not that far-fetched. and i can't help but think that all these kids in reno, nv and park city, ut are watching with notepads, taking notes, and making adjustments. i could be wrong... i'm probably wrong.

as a matter of fact, i guarantee i'm wrong. today, mo williams, a player for the cleveland cavs stated with confidence that his team would win the game tonight and go on to win the series. whenever some dude projects his team to secure victory in any confident terms the entire sports world goes up in flames? what's wrong with this kid being confident that his team is going to win? he didn't say anything disparaging against the orlando magic. he didn't predict a final score or make any sweeping generalizations about how his team would accomplish the goal of winning. dude just said that he plans on his team winning a contest tonight. but all day today, like every time some athlete makes some sort of projected pledge of victory, every blogger, sports talk radio host and journalist gets all crazy and starts shouting and showing veins in the neck to condemn some guy for trying to show confidence in his team. what do you expect him to say: "we don't have a shot tonight..." "i really hope we win, but i don't want to make any promises..." "i am moderately convinced that we will participate in a game tonight in which the outcome is completely uncertain..." sports are so stupid sometimes.

i'm sorry sports. i didn't mean it. please forgive me.

bulletin board

2009-05-15T16:30:00.004-04:00

just got back from a week in OC/san diego. it was awesome. i could write all about how awesome it really was, but that seems like a lot of work. if you were there with me, then you know it was awesome in every way. if you weren't there, then why would you want to read about the awesome-ness of the trip? you would either be jealous and resentful, or bored (most likely the latter).

i don't have much energy to get into anything of real importance or substance, so instead i will make a few announcements and then send you on your way.

1) i considered titling this blog post "bulletin bored" instead of "bulletin board." i felt like i was being too clever for my own good though. i went conventional rather than trying to illicit some reaction from a title. let's face it - titles are completely unimportant. when i'm reading, i skip over any title or subheading. waste of my time.

2) i have expanded my "e-fluence" dramatically in the past week.

a) i'm on facebook now. let's just move quickly past this announcement and ignore the fact that i have swore i never would join and ridiculed the very existence of the site. i still don't get it, but i look forward to even more hours wasted on the internet.

related to this announcement, i would like to take the opportunity to announce that i am using extreme discretion in adding friends. i've already "denied" some people that would probably be upset if they realized that i said "no" to their "e-vances" (that is if people paid any attention to what they actually do on the internet, something that i seriously doubt). somehow i got up to more than 200 friends on myspace and i hated it. so i am going to be a snob and only use my facebook to commune with people i actually talk to. if i met you four years ago in some alley behind the albertsons next to my old house in san diego, and i haven't talked to you since - you don't stand a chance.

b) i'm on twitter.

c) my friends ethan, brian and taylor are also now on twitter. we all did it together. like a "blood brothers" kind of thing.

3) you'd think that spending a week in southern california would not include the highlights of joining two social networking "e-mmunities," but it is what it is. real highlights of the trip out west include:

a) good times with duane and amy. duane took me to some bar that featured at least four-dozen hand-crafted beers from across the nation and country. it was pretty much heaven. duane and amy have a backyard and their adorable little daughter plays in it for hours. i think they have a pretty good life.

b) game 6 of the stanley cup playoffs viewed from a suite. fights are the best part of hockey. the me lee that broke out at the end of the game was absolutely fantastic. the NHL has something here. all my dork friends out there play in some amateur hockey league and i have to admit that if i could ever learn to stand up straight on a pair of skates for longer than 3.5 seconds, i would love to play.

c) the taco guy is awesome.

d) heidi and i ate mexican food 6/7 days in california. i know, it should have been a perfect 7/7, but there were a thousand other places i wanted to eat at as well.

e) i am now officially on a diet/increased work-out routine as consequence for what i did to my body last week. i feel like i need to apologize:

dear body,

i'm sorry for the way i treated you last week. i know that you were excited about going to perfectly moderate weather and the possibility of swimming in pools and oceans. i know that you were tricked into thinking that california is a mecca for healthy eating options and that you would be treated well out there. i'm sorry that i crushed your ribs when i fell off the treadmill. i'm sorry for eating del taco at two in the morning. i'm sorry for eating four-five meals a day instead of the usual three. i'm sorry for the shots of tequila that i took at brian's party. you know i don't normally do that to you, and i'm truly thankful that you didn't punish me for my poor decisions. i apologize for going with the double-double rather than just the single at in-and-out... that was unnecessary. i'm sorry for putting you through "p90x," that was silly. i'm sorry about the booze. you deserve better.

sincerely,

justin

f) southern california is the promised land. there is no doubt about it and anybody who disagrees is an idiot.

4) i remembered today why i always run early in the morning. not only is it hot-as-hell in the afternoon, but you have to put up with stupid boys yelling things like "break a sweat," "work it," "run forest run" and "your dog is running faster than you" (i actually liked the last one). in my old age, i am getting less and less patient, especially with pubescent boys who are trying to convince misguided girls to make out with them. i'm getting to that point in my life where i just won't put up with it anymore. these kids are going to get a piece of my mind and i hope to make every one of them cry.

5) the hardest part of coming home from vacation is trying to catch up on all that i missed in the past week. i'm listening to 5-day old bill simmons podcasts and reading week-old articles about stuff that is already way-old news. i can't waste anymore time writing this blog because i have to update my twitter/facebook and check out what peter king wrote about five days ago.

a-pplaud

2009-05-03T20:10:00.000-04:00

alex rodriguez is screwed.

forget the fact that when i read the story the other day that i literally spit my coffee out on the computer because i learned that his teammates called him b**** t**s (that's how it was published on si.com and i think it's funnier with the asterisks). forget that he only tips 15% to the hard-working ladies at hooters (who goes to hooters anyway? i've never been to a hooters, and have no desire whatsoever to change that).

forget that mr. rodriguez had pictures taken of him kissing himself in a mirror. forget the names "a-fraud" and "a-roid." don't get caught up with the stories of late nights with strippers and hookers and the relationship with the skeleton of madonna that destroyed his marriage. forget the fact that alex can't buy a hit in a crucial moment and will most likely forever be remembered as a "choke artist."

no player/figure/celebrity has been hated as much and been so polarizing since... well i guess barry bonds (and spencer and heidi from the hills), which wasn't all that long ago. everybody has something negative to say about arod. and every little detail that comes out about this man is scrutinized and debated to death. everybody gets to have a little "ha-ha" about the latest public snafu this man must endure.

the second entry i ever posted here was about roger clemens, and i'm pretty sure the same critiques and comments apply here. i know that every non-sports fan will read a post like this and immediately dismiss it as silly and unimportant. maybe it is, but i'm going to talk about it anyway. (if you want to read something actually worthwhile, read my wife's latest post about the swine flu. she's brilliant and much more intelligent/witty/prolific than i).

the thing that i find so fascinating about a story like this is the colossal collapse of a human being. i'm not trying to be demeaning here... i'm really not. i don't feel sorry for arod. it's hard to feel sorry for a 250-millionaire who gets to play a game for his career. but i feel like i can "feel" arod, or that i can understand him, at least in some small measure.

what does a white, 29 year-old, social worker from kentucky have in common with a billionaire baseball player?

humanity.

more poignantly, that which is "most human" about humans.

i've been thinking a lot about idols lately. and how we all have/worship them.

i know what you're thinking: "idols? you mean like golden statues and weird shrines surrounded by incense?"

yeah... those idols, but also more.

whether you admit it or not (or even think about it) you've got idols. we all do. an idol is anything that you build your life on. an idol is anything that you place ultimate value on and in turn, will do anything to achieve/keep. an idol is whatever you worship.

now you are probably thinking: "worship? i don't go to church. this obviously doesn't apply."

that's not true. just as much as we all have idols, we all worship. worship is simply ascribing worth to something/someone. worship is enjoyment. worship is reflection.

some examples might help:

an idol might be: recognition, success, acceptance, admiration, comfort/security, fun, etc... notice that none of these things are bad. they're good things. idols can show up in the form of food and alcohol, fame, sex, relationships, money... again, notice that none of these things are bad.

but what happens when you spend your life pursuing these things? what happens when these things become ultimate to you? when you would do anything to get these things, and would do even more to keep them if there is threat of them being taken away.

i probably didn't explain all of that as well as i should, but let's return to alex rodriguez. it would appear that alex has some idols in his life. if he was in fact taking steroids as a teen, and giving opposing teams signs in order that they would hook him up when he needed some help, then it's obvious that this man would do anything to achieve success. fame. recognition. acceptance. wealth.

lot's of people are famous. many people are successful and recognized as great at whatever they do. but what will people do to attain this? how would you react if it was slipping away from you? barry bonds had this happen, but he didn't give a rip. he had his own idols, but "being liked" was not at the top of the list.

not arod. bill simmons and others have influenced me to believe that the thing arod cares about most is how he is perceived. alex wants to be liked. we all do, but he's obsessed. he can't handle the criticism, the public scathing. i'm sure alex thinks to himself, "what have i done wrong? why am i treated like this? i'm a good guy. i give to the community. i show up for work each day and do my job. i don't commit crimes. i don't punch kittens... why this scrutiny?"

a couple of months ago, the castle/kingdom that arod built was under serious attack. it was leaked that he took steroids. this was a big deal, and alex decided to "come clean" and admit to using certain illegal substances during a certain time frame a long time ago. he apologized. he tried to cry. he asked for forgiveness and looked sincere.

all the while he was still protecting his idol. he was still worshiping at the altar of recognition and likability. like a cornered animal, he did what he had to in order to survive. this included telling "some" truth, but not coming completely clean.

i don't know if the latest reports are true. i don't know if it matters. as i stated at the beginning of this dirge, i'm not so much interested in the "arod is a cheating drug user" story as i am in the "arod is a human" story.

think about your life for a moment (i know i don't usually go here in the blog, but let me be serious for a bit). what are the things you care most about? where do your thoughts go to when you have time think? what do you spend most of your time doing? where do you spend your money? how do you react when you are rejected? deceived? disappointed by another? when you fail at something?

what will you do to achieve success, however you define it? where do you turn when life gets rough? how do you handle it all?

i don't like to be too honest and transparent, especially in the form of a blog, but whatever, i'll let you in on a little secret.

i have my own idols. recognition. i love to be liked. i love the fact that people like me. i love it when i am praised for the work i do. i love it when heidi says "thank you" when i've done the dishes or whatever. i love to feel wanted/needed. i like it when my friends say, "wish you were here...," or "the only thing missing was you...."

i knew that this was something true about me, but when my expectations aren't met... when i don't get the recognition i feel i deserve... when i feel slighted in some way by another... i get angry. if i feel like it's slipping away, i get afraid.

toddlers throw tantrums. so does justin.

i like to be liked. i guess i'm just like alex in this respect. so perhaps that's why i'm thinking about this whole thing so much.

i don't like arod. i never have. and i don't like him for the same reasons as everyone else. it's absolutely silly. i don't know him, but i don't like him because he's rich, seemingly arrogant, way to self-absorbed. (i guess when i say that i don't like arod, i mean to say that i'm not a fan of him. i'm not a fan of U2, john travolta, brett favre and many others. it comes out as hatred or strong dislike, but in reality, i just don't appreciate what they do).

so i'm not a fan of arod.

but i'm a little like arod.

and if you're honest with yourself, so are you.

to be young

2009-04-23T21:04:00.001-04:00

i love it when my friends get all gay and gush over something that i've written. you guys are priceless.

i love it even more when other friends call out the friends who get carried away with comments by questioning their sexuality.

so this weekend's a pretty big deal. surprise birthday party for me. i can't wait to be surprised. i hope that, even though i know everything that is happening, i still get to walk into a place and have everyone yell "surprise!" i've always wanted that.

heidi almost gave it to me. you should have seen the look on her face when i found out what she was up to. you would have thought that i murdered her family and urinated on all the clothes in her closet. i felt awful. she's a sweet girl and doesn't deserve to ever be disappointed. EVER.

i spent some time on swings at a park today with one of my clients. as i swung back and forth i quickly became sick. motion sickness or something like that. i became nauseous from swinging on a swing! when i was a kid i would swing so high that the chains would lose tension as i reached the pinnacle and jolt my spine as tension returned. and today, while nonchalantly swaying back and forth i had to stop because i thought i might vomit. this is terrible. summer is coming, and my carnival-attending is going to be severely compromised due to this new weakness of my stomach - no zipper or gravitron for me. i used to get on those tire swings on the park and have my idiot friends spin me around until i couldn't feel my face, and upon dismounting i would attempt to run around and fall all over the place... those were good times. i don't want this to become another "i'm getting old and you should feel sorry for me" post, but i have to say that i am getting old and you should feel sorry for me. the following is a list of things that indicate that i am not the young man that i used to be.

+ when i was a kid i used to crawl in the mud and get all dirty and slimy. if i saw a snake, i grabbed it with my bare hands and held it up within a half inch of my face to see if i could feel it's forked tongue brush against my nose. fast forward to modern day and observe the following scene: i'm visiting another one of my clients who happens to have several large snakes in an aquarium. in his excitement to introduce his snakes to me, he grabs a three-foot specimen and hands it to me... like i'm going to grab that thing. i believe i took about 14 steps back and screamed "put that thing away!"

what did i think is going to happen? in that moment, i believe that i envisioned the snake slithering up my shirt and biting my nipple with it's poisonous fangs (it was not a poisonous snake) and never letting go. can you imagine a snake crawling up your shirt? it's a horrible thought. apply the same principal to all small animals that look at you with beady eyes: spiders, lizards, frogs, fish, squirrels and mice, etc...

+ i can't drink any more. i drink still - don't get me wrong. but if i have any more than two beers i spend the entire next day trying to exercise demons from my head. what is up with that? i've never been a big drinker, per se, and i've never drank to get intoxicated, but i can't handle my stuff any longer. last weekend we spent some time with friends on friday night, and all saturday my thighs (quadriceps) were burning and stinging. it was terrible i thought about taking myself to the emergency room after webmd.com informed me that i might, possibly, unlikely but probably, have blod clots in both of my legs. one of these blood clots could have broken loose and went straight to my heart, giving me a heart attack and probably killing me on the spot. i couldn't say if the leg pain was drinking-related, but i'm pretty sure it had something to do with being slightly dehydrated and unrested due to a night of sleep less than seven hours.

+ aches and pains are commonplace in everyday life. i have this strange pulled muscle pain in the back of my knee. it flares up throughout the day, especially after my morning run. my grandpa used to complain about pain.

+ when watching march madness last month, i constantly had to ask heidi, "what's the score in the upper left-hand corner?" and heidi would have to look up from whatever important thing she was doing to inform me that unc was beating gonzaga by 22 points. this happened about 26 times during the course of the tournament, and happens very often to this day. i miss being able to see things clearly,.. those were the days.

+ i can't remember anything. i've never been able to remember anything, so i guess this isn't as much as a sign of getting old, as it is memory dysfunction. i wonder if there is a medical diagnosis for how poor my memory is. perhaps i suffer from some rare memory-loss disease wherein i can't remember things that any normal person could recall with ease...

after typing that last paragraph, i realized that there is a little thing called amnesia. no joke. i have nothing else to say (and even if i did, i probably forgot because i was just distracted by a commercial for burger king featuring spongebob squarepants and a sir-mix-a-lot song. is that even real? is that appropriate?)

+ the office is on now. i can't concentrate on this anymore.

i think i've said enough.

FAQs

2009-04-16T20:10:00.001-04:00

i thought i could take some time to allow you, the reader, the opportunity to ask me some questions. since i don't have the time, patience or desire to request that you submit questions that i could answer in this space, i figured that i would just post some FAQs that i typically hear in a given week from family, friends, co-workers and strangers. so without further hesitation, here is the first (and probably only) installment of FAQs:

"how tall are you?"

i'm somwhere between 6'4" and 6'5". i honestly haven't had myself measured since i was 16 and i lost track. yeah, i'm tall. get over it. i have.

"what's the best sport?"

i'm going to assume you mean which sport is the best to watch, since i find myself watching much more than playing these days, so i will say that the answer is baseball. football is the most dramatic and exciting, and for those fall and winter months it is just great. basketball has some merits, and is pretty smooth (which i relate to) but overall it leaves much to be desired.

but baseball is perfect. the start of baseball season means the start of spring, which is the end of snow and cold, the start of long nights on porches and decks, and the release of bell's oberon beer for the duration of the summer. while football is like a big-budget, action feature film that blows you away, baseball is like that soap opera that you have been watching for 17 years. you know the characters and you follow the slow-moving drama. baseball games are the best to attend, and having a game on television in the background is always a good idea.

and yes, i did not mention hockey on purpose.

"what is your dream job?"

in all seriousness, i want to be an actor in a soap opera or a fourth-rate lifetime movie. in fact, i think i could do both. i know that i'm not attractive enough, and that i couldn't act to save my life, but something about being a part of one of these ridiculously contrived plots just makes me happy. i think i could play a dark and mysterious drifter who comes into a small town and seems to be a hero, but behind it all, is the "thought-to-be-deceased" brother of a man who stole my first love and i have come back to get her back... at any cost. little known fact, i was named after a soap opera character. some dream-boat doctor must have been stealing the heart of my mother as she carried my 10-lb frame around in her womb for an extra month.

"what's the worst thing you have ever done?"

i didn't go to my uncle's funeral when he died. i'm serious about this one. it kills me that i did not go to this. two things were happening that caused me not to go: 1) i was in denial. my uncle doug was the quintessential uncle that everyone refers to "my crazy uncle..." and he was the first person that i was close to that died. i didn't know how to handle it. and 2) i was selfish. if memory serves me correctly, i had a great weekend planned and was extremely inconvenienced to go out of town to this funeral. i know - i'm a jerk.

"what's the best thing you have ever done?"

i moved to kentucky for a girl.

"what was it like to predict the rise of the tampa bay rays in the 2008 baseball season?"

it was awesome. i've never been so proud. if only i were a gambling man...

"who is your darkhorse for the 2009 season?"

the oakland A's, and i'm feeling a bit nauseous about that pick. it;s a good thing i'm not a gambling man.

"is it true that you once ate 23 tacos in one sitting?"

this is true. i was in mexico during my senior year in high school with my church youth group on a mission trip. long stood the record of 22 tacos, and on one magical evening i was blessed with an incredible gift of consumption and the walls of my stomach and intestines stretched to the point that i thought i might com bust spontaneously. i could feel the food stacked up in my esophagus, all the way to the base of my mouth. it was terrible. i felt like rocky at the end of every rocky movie except the first - bloodied and bruised, but not broken. and some advice to the reader: poor mexican villages don't have the most sanitary of restrooms, so consider that before you decide to eat 47 lbs of greasy meet, cheese and tortillas.

i will add that i am incredible when it comes to eating and drinking large quantities of material. it's a gift and a curse.

"what is the best meal of the day?"

breakfast. going to a diner and eating some grease-soaked egg/potato/bread/pork product meal while drinking bitter instant coffee is an experience that i wish i could enjoy every day. fortunately for me, i live with a woman who attempts to recreate this for me every single morning. i'm not kidding. heidi wants to make me an omelet and hash browns or biscuits and gravy every single morning. it's like we're on the farm and she needs to fill me up with a big "farmer's" feast before i set out to tend the cattle and harvest the crop. except drive in a car instead of a tractor, and i play uno with underprivileged kids instead of herding sheep.

while breakfast is the best meal of the day, mexican food is the best genre of food.

"why don't you twitter?"

i don't know what twitter is. i mean, i understand the concept, but i fail to see the function or purpose. i have no desire to know that kevin is "editing some copy and listening to dan patrick," or that brian or ethan are "calling it a day after 5 hours!" i don't need to know from nate or brandon that, "it's raining so i'm reading another book." i love all these guys, but i don't need to keep tabs on them all day.

*twitter update: "justin is typing a blog on his computer after a nice meal of leftover beef and a conversation with my father-in-law about the evolution of the wild boar and the decline of trout in rock creek."

is that what twitter is? i don't even know.

"when are you going to have kids?"

as soon as i trick heidi into letting me impregnate her. (is that wrong? it feels wrong to say that. i shouldn't have said that. i take it back).

"have you ever killed an animal?"

yes. several. the largest animal i ever killed was a buck (that's a male deer). i shot it with a rifle. i felt like a man, but then never did it again.

"what is your view on the economic crisis that faces this country?"

in this economy... i don't care about the economy. i didn't have money before everything went to hell, and guess what, i don't have any now.

"what's the worst job you have ever had?"

i worked at this terrible office job for one month. to this day i have no idea what i was supposed to be doing. i know that i had clients in southern texas that i had to talk to via email and phone, and was attempting to gather some information for these clients, but i couldn't tell you what information i was trying to gather or what function it served for said clients. one morning, when my alarm clock started beeping, i pulled an "office space" and turned it off and went back to sleep. when i woke up several hours later, my phone was full of missed calls and voicemails from my worried and angry employer. several days later i called them back and told them where to send my final paycheck.

"can you 'slam dunk'?"

i can. i did it today. i just like the fact that i can do this. and take every opportunity i can to share this information. it feels as good as you think it would. i can only do it about 1 out of every 8 attempts, but when it works, it's just so good. and the crowd goes wild!

"who will win the nba championship?"

i want it to be the cavs, i really do, but it's the lakers year. i thought it was their year last year, but obviously, the celtics had destiny on their side. but this year, it's all about kobe going all "serial killer" and tearing apart helpless animals with his bare hands and biting the heads off of innocent bunnies (i have a low opinion of kobe as a person, but a very high opinion of him as an athlete).

"do you support the death penalty?"

sure. why not. in the words of jerry seinfeld, "just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go watch them slice this fat bastard up" (it applies... somehow).

yeah, i'm watching seinfeld right now.

"is seinfeld the greatest show ever?"

that's a stupid question. of course it is. and anybody who says differently is obviously an idiot.

do you remember when you were in elementary school and teachers would always say, "there's no such thing as a stupid question..." that's the stupidist thing i have ever heard. i ask heidi at least three stupid questions every day.

"what's the funniest joke you have ever heard?"

here's a good one: what do you call a cold hot dog?

a chili dog.

for some reason this is the only joke that i have ever remembered. you could tell me the world's funniest joke and i will think to myself, "that's the funniest joke i have ever heard, i can't wait to tell it to someone else," and five minutes later i have no recollection of the joke. why do i remember that terrible hot dog joke that i read on a "fruit stripes" wrapper when i was 9?

"how long can you keep this up?"

i assume you mean, "how long can i keep thinking of ridiculous questions and fictitiously answer them in clever and witty ways..." and the answer is i can't. i'm all out.

eeey-o-uhh (sound it out).

april showers

2009-04-05T20:13:00.004-04:00

these are my thoughts for the day/week:

opening day tomorrow. it's raining and the forecast calls for some snow. it's going to be miserable, but it's going to be great. i told my boss last week that i was "feeling a cold coming on this coming monday..." and he completely understood and stated that he felt the very same cold coming on. sports are great. if you have sports in common with someone, you could run over their dog and cat and they'd forgive you.

first homerun of 2009 just hit by brian mccann of the atlanta braves. i'm happy to have witnessed it. did i mention that i love baseball?

i went for a run the other day that was magical. i typically don't really like running, but i do it every day because if i didn't, i would not be able to drink my beer and eat my cheese and fried foods. during this run, i was able to see the sun rise over some rolling farmland hills as the fog broke. i chased three white tail deer down the road, and watched a couple of horses play in the field. it was great. i am completely convinced that God gives us some simple pleasures like this to let us know that he made created the world and we get to live in and enjoy it.

for those of you who were wondering (brian), i saved hundreds of dollars by working on my truck myself. of course, if you take into account the dozens of hours i spent under the truck, perhaps the savings are not so significant and impressive.

heidi and i went down to big bone lick this afternoon with the dogs. it was great. on the way back we stopped at sonic to get a drink and could not figure out how to order. there is no inside and no walk-up window to place your order. we stood there for several minutes trying to figure out how to place an order for a pop and a root beer float. heidi commented that this must be what it's like to be old - to be frustrated and belittled because you can't figure out what the hell is going on. i'm going to be nicer to old people from now on.

i talked to a girl at speedway gas station last night. she commented that she was not going to go home after work because her husband is drunk and "he's really mean when he's drunk." i told her that i was sorry and that she deserved much better than this. she looked at me with a look of sadness and appreciation. i don't know this girl, and i'm sure that she's not perfect herself, but it enfuriates me that there are guys out there that treat their wives/girlfriends like this. i told her that i hope her husband wakes up with a big hangover and thinks about what a jerk he is, apologizes, asks for her forgiveness for being a loser, and changes his ways. she replied, "that's not going to happen." i feel bad for her, and i want to punch her husband in the teeth.

the real world "brooklyn" was quite an experience. someday i am going to collect my thoughts on shows like this and lay down a fascinating book about humanity and reality. 'taking the stage," also on mtv, is the latest pleasure for heidi and i. tons of talent, high school drama and shots of the lovely cincinnati... what more can you ask for? i'd like to be a hip hop dancer. i think i could turn some heads if i ever found a way to be smooth.

i'm not smooth. i'm clumsy. i feel bad for heidi because she loves to dance and i love to not make a complete fool of myself. i should learn how to dance for her. she'd like that.

the braves are crushing the phillies. some kid from the braves just hit a homerun in his first major league at-bat. good for him. i hit a homerun in little league baseball and it still ranks as one of the greatest moments of my life. hitting a homerun is magical and impossible to describe to anyone who has never done it. do yoruself a favor and get a bat and ball, go down to your local park and see if you can make it happen... you'll be glad you did.

i'm running out of thoughts for a this blog. i can't remember the last time i talked about something that i was really proud of in this space. my apologies to the reader. stick with me. i'm constantly searching for the next great idea that i can pass along to you.

mission accomplished

2009-03-30T20:21:00.001-04:00

i did it.

at approximately 6 pm on saturday evening, i got my truck in gear. it's fixed.

after 6 long weeks of spending every weekend stymied about how to make the stupid thing work, today it finally happened.

if you remember correctly, i was very excited and feeling extremely manly at the beginning of this affair, but my enthusiasm was completely misplaced and waned faster than ralph macchio's acting career.

i get it now. now i understand how michael phelps felt after winning 8 gold medals, how columbus felt when he discovered america, how what's his name felt when he discovered the cure to polio, how graham-bell must have felt when he made that first phone call...

i got more: doc brown discovered the flux-capacitor, general patton and the battle of the bulge, sir edumund hillary climbed mt. everest, peter jackson finished the lord of the rings trilogy, freddie prinze jr. finally got rachel leigh cook in 'she's all that,' calvin finished 'the institutes,' george w. bush defeated terrorism, the two nerds created 'lisa' in 'weird science,' that kid finally freed willy, jordan won six titles...

i am among greatness.

feels good to be a winner. feels good to accomplish something.

----------------------------------

few other topics to touch upon to make it worth your price of admission:

* new phone for the bragg man: the lg vu. it's a touch screen and it's awesome. i have two free months of tv on this thing. anytime i want i can watch tv on my cell phone... how sweet is that? technology... making every spare moment a waste of time.

* ncaa march madness bracket pool results: disaster. i managed to get one of my final four picks right this year. awful. just awful. i'm ashamed to be me.

* opening day this coming monday. for us cincinnati fans, that means eating a big breakfast, walking over to the opening day parade, and then walking to a bar and watching the game while drinking cheap beer and eating greasy foods. this is my fourth celebration of this event and it is a highlight of the year.

* speaking of baseball, had my fantasy draft a couple of weekends ago. i'm excited about my team but ethan projects me to finish next-to-last. screw you and your numbers and projections ethan.

* tim keller is just great. i've been listening to his sermons on 'the reasons for God' and they just keep blowing me away over and over again. i wish i was smart.

* 'taking the stage', the new mtv reality show about the "school for creative and performing arts" right here in cincinnati, oh, is a great way to spend thursday evenings from 10-11. with the office and 30 rock leading into that dynamite show, thursdays are looking pretty good.

* heidi was super sick last week. it was rough. but she's better now, so that's good. she's pretty cute when she's miserable and helpless. i took care of her like a good husband should.

* the new 'where the wild things are' trailer is up and it looks pretty sweet. if i were more tech-savvy i would post a link, but i'm sure you can figure it out. kevin was right when he mockingly texted me and said that i must have been in heaven to see my favorite story coming to life with arcade fire as the soundtrack.

* the book of judges (the bible) is just brutal. i think all men should be required to read it once a year in order to get in touch with carnal instincts.

* brian kazarian wrote a created a delightful 'greatest prom song bracket' that you should check out.

* first cookout of the year at the bragg's this past weekend. it was a great time. nothing better than a bunch of friends hanging out around the grill, drinking beer and eating meat. i can think of nothing i enjoy more.

* that's all

city of men

2009-03-19T17:23:00.001-04:00

well the results are in.

a complete list of "the manliest cities in america" has been released and i have a lot to say about it.

if you're like me, you probably didn't clink on the above link, so stop reading, click on the link and read the article so we can all sit down and have an intelligent and meaningful conversation about this whole thing... (i'll wait).

alright, now that you've perused the article, you are aware that this study was commissioned by "combos." i can't remember the last time i ate combos, so i guess i'm not much of a man.

but before you start to feel sorry for me, and err in thinking that my masculinity is minimal, consider that i live in cincinnati, OH. that's right, no. 4 on the list.

naturally, after looking for my own city on the list, i began to look around to see where my friends reside and how manly their cities are: and i will tell you that i'm troubled.

kevin, in chicago, IL, comes in 46th.
taylor and etha, in los angeles, CA (orange county, whatever), rank 49th out of 50 (ouch).
brian and duane from san diego, CA register at a lowly 43rd.
billy, kicking it up in columbus, OH, is just a little less manly than i, sitting in 7th place.
keith (the commish) resides somewhere in the sacramento, CA area, and registers at 41.
russ lives in washington DC, and he is 45th.
nate and brandon don't make the list 'cause humboldt just isn't big enough, but having grown up in humboldt, i can tell you that it is the manliest place on earth.

you may expect me to ridicule my friends for their effeminate lifestyles, but i won't. instead, i am in consideration of just getting some new friends, and i'm starting my search in nashville, TN, charlotte, NC, and oklahoma city, OK. if anybody from one of those cities reads this blog, feel free to ask me out on a man date.

i suppose most of you will complain that the actual criteria used to determine these rankings, and you may have a point. here are the categories again, from the report:

sports --- major league teams and "the number of nearby NASCAR tracks and events, NHRA events, local drag racing strips, monster truck events and triathlons/marathons were analyzed."

manly lifestyle --- "the number of US-made cars and full-size pickups registered in the city, membership in motorcycle owner groups, sports TV viewing, bowling, fishing, hunting, woodworking and home improvement work" were some of the criteria for this category.

manly retail stores --- "including BBQ and chicken wing restaurants, steak houses and sports bars, sportsman stores, general hardware and home improvement stores."

manly magazine subscriptions --- "the percentage of households subscribing to manly publications - Sports Illustrated, Car & Driver, Maxim, Playboy, Men’s Health, Popular Mechanics, Boating, etc."

salty snack sales --- "total sales for the “Salty Snack/Cracker” retail. Combos is a product in this business category."

obviously the salty snack sales category can be thrown out, because that's just stupid.

i don't subscribe to any magazines, and i'm as manly as they come, so that category is dumb as well.

i love that BBQ and chicken wings are synonymous with masculinity. that's good.

and of course, sports are quintessential in any man's life.

if i may get serious for a moment, perhaps a "husband/father" category could have been included. how many guys are married and faithful to their wives and are raising their kids... that's pretty manly. also, what is the employment rate in each city. being unemployed and mooching off the government is very un-manly. what about church membership? i go to church every week and meet some of the manliest men there. i think that is saying something.

what are we supposed to do with all this information? obviously nothing. cincinnati, OH is not a manly place. i'm really not buying it. in fact, if you did a poll of "places people actually want to live" just flip the list upside-down, and you have an accurate picture. would you rather live in nashville, TN or los angeles, CA? when was the last time anybody gave a thought to toledo, OH? look at the epicenters of our society, los angeles, new york, chicago, san diego, DC, seattle... perhaps not "manly" but at the very least, "better."

i really don't have anything more to add. i'm going to go be manly and eat some salty snacks with an eye toward a triple bypass surgery in the future to correct my out-of-this-world cholesterol. feels good to be a man, sitting on my manly couch, in my manly house, in this manly city.

and by the way, as an update to my previous post of being a man and feeling great about it... well i still haven't fixed that stupid truck and i'm pissed about it. if fixing cars is what it means to be a man... i want to quit.

oh yeah, PITT, louisville, UNC and memphis in the final four. it's in the book. although, through the first three games of the day, i'm sitting at 0-3 so perhaps you shouldn't take my word for anything anymore.

look-a-like

2009-03-14T17:59:00.001-04:00

i am working on a real entry that i will post later this week, but the other day something happened to me that has happened on average of once-a-week for the past year and a half.

in the course of each week, i go to a bunch of schools to visit my clients.

if you've ever met me, you know that i'm tall, handsome and hairy. when i walk into a school, kids look at me and whisper/shout things like, "you're tall," along with gasps and laughter...

you know how white people are often accused of thinking all black people look the same? i'm thinking of the seinfeld episode where george thinks that his boss looks like sugar ray leonard and invites the exterminator to lunch with him so that his boss will see that george is in fact, not racist, and has black friends.

well, if such stereotypes, generalizations and oversights happen against black people by white people on a regular basis, then i am a victim of this phenomenon reversed.

on numerous occasions i get this question/comment: "i think that's carson palmer," or "hey, are you carson palmer?"

do i look like carson palmer? not really. i'm tall, handsome and have stubble and/or a beard. if that makes me a carson palmer look-a-like, then so-be-it.

i have, on one occasion, actually signed carson's name on a spiral-bound notebook. if this offends you carson, then i am sorry. it was all in good fun.

thinking about this leads me back to the one major regret/"what if" of my life:

when i was growing up, my parents would never let me play football. the pee-wee league played it's games on sunday mornings and it was impermissible that i would be allowed to join a team, and thus miss church every week during the season. every year the sign-ups were announce. every year i begged my parents to let me play. every year was rebuffed with extreme prejudice. every year i threw the football to my goat in the back yard, dreaming about what it would be like to play football.

by the time i got into high school, and games were played under the 'friday night lights' i was too far behind to catch up, and then my mom played the whole, "football is too violent. you'll get hurt. join the boy scouts instead..." card. yeah mom, like boy scouts is any sort of replacement for football. thanks for that.

i've always wondered what it would have been like to play football. i never got to suit up in pads. i've never hit somebody with brute force, or been crushed by a defender as i tried to muscle my way for the first down.

a few years back, when i lived in orange county, my friends brian, ethan, taylor and eric tried to develop a plan where i would be trained and send in a video to some college in order to become the starting quarterback. if i would have known that it is so easy to mistake me for carson palmer, i might have actually went through with the whole plan.

but it never happened. we would sit around, drink some beers, and joke about the drills i would complete and how i would work on my spiral and what it would be like when i became a big star and have my own entourage. but it never came to pass.

and think about it. i would have still ended up here. i was just outside of LA, so i would have gone to USC and taken carson palmer's starting gig, and then the bengals would have picked me first overall in the 2003 draft, and i would have met heidi at some charity event for kids without shoes, we would fall in love and get hitched and life would be pretty similar, except we'd be rich.

i guess it was never meant to be. and i'm perfectly ok with that, but i can't help but wonder, "what if..."

be a man

2009-03-01T11:56:00.003-05:00

as i type this, my fingers are stained with motor oil, car grease and whatever else my pickup has picked up on it's undercarriage for the past 15 years. i washed my hands for 20 minutes yesterday and the stuff just won't come off. it's under my finger nails and entrenched in the recesses of my dry skin, and i love it.

for the past three weekends the captain (captain carl - my father-in-law) and i have been tediously and meticulously attempting to replace the clutch in my 1993 chevy S-10 pickup. the labor costs at a shop were in excess of $300 so we decided to do it ourselves. with haste and optimism, i ran down to the library, picked up a copy of chilton's and got to work.

keep in mind the following factors: (A) it's been bitterly cold here in the NKY. we have not seen a day above 39 degrees to do this work. last weekend, there was ice on the ground and eventually snow coming down from above, but we worked all the same. (B) we don't really know what we are doing. sure, carl has done some work on cars in his lifetime, but we're pretty much just loosening bolts and putting stuff where we think it should go. (C) carl has a lot of tools (the sign of a real man) but we don't have all the right tools. for instance, the truck itself is jacked up on some janky structures, and each step of the way, when we can't get a bolt to come undone, or when we're not sure how to fasten some piece of metal to another, we just find a tool, whether it be a lead pipe or a chisel, to make it work (for instance, we used a saws-all to cut through a bolt that we couldn't get off of the barrel housing (that's right, i just dropped a mechanical term on you... deal with it) and took part of the frame with it. NBD). and (D) there is a terrifying prospect that we have done something (or many things) wrong and this will all be one giant headache that gets us nowhere.

why do i share all of this information with you (other than to illicit your sympathy)? because i feel like a man. at the end of every day that we work on this piece of junk, i come into the house covered in grease, with my fingers falling off from near-frostbite, and my back and arms sore and tired and i couldn't be happier about it. my clothes are ruined and my eyes have specs of metal and crud in them and i feel like a million bucks.

i grew up in the country. growing up, my weekends consisted of chopping and stacking firewood, mowing the lawn, filling pot holes on our gravel road, trimming goats' hooves, painting fences, making and setting aflame large brush piles, and various other manual labor projects.

then i moved to southern california and lost all ties to my masculinity. no longer did i have need for work boots or gloves. no longer did i toil under the midday sun. i spent my time at the beach and studying systematic theologies. i began to care about my appearance and spent my money on fancy clothes and took time to make my hair look good. i don't regret any of this, but i forgot what it was to be a hard-working man.

well it's all coming back to me now. i now understand how a manual clutch works on a motor vehicle. i can point to a variety of pieces of metal in a car and tell you what they are, and perhaps what they do. each day as i place my body underneath a ton of rusted metal, and pray to God that the thing doesn't collapse on me and sever my lower half from my torso (a distinct possibility if you could see the way we have the truck jacked up. heidi is continually terrified that i will actually die as a result of being crushed by this truck), i am vindicated by a return to the value of hard work.

so if the reader would take heed of some simple advice, get to work. build something, destroy something... just because it's a blast to swing a sledge hammer. change your oil of your car or lubricate the chain on your 10-speed bike. pile up a bunch of junk, douse it with gasoline and watch it burn. drink russian imperial stout and smoke a cigar (i hate cigars, but according to my friend kenny, that is what makes a man). take some pieces of wood, a hammer and some nails and just start swinging the hammer. make sure you allow the head of the hammer to demolish your thumb and while you scream every explicative you have ever heard or conceived, smile wide, knowing that you are a man. and that's the best thing you could be (unless you are a woman, in which case i will refrain from making any comments here because i know that i already will get torn apart by the two female readers of this entry).

i am a man. and you're welcome.

reaction to reconsideration

2009-02-17T16:38:00.004-05:00

i would like to start by thanking the readers of this scribble for stepping it up and really answering the call that i put out there. i had two distinct reactions from close friends with regards to my opening imploration (is that a word?).

kevin wrote (in a comment): "I know that this is only adding to your comments, but I feel the need to reprimand your whining about your friends not leaving comments.You're a shithead. Do the multiple comments make you feel better about yourself? I know they do because they make me feel better about myself. Only, I don't implore my friends to leave them. Wimp."

meanwhile, in a conversation i had with a true friend, i was affirmed in my simple request. brian k, who writes a wonderful blog that you should leave comments on, stated to me over the phone that he understood my desire for comments and that he would have no problem doing the same thing.

it really is simple. i spend a lot of time putting these things together. there's a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head (picture my head as a fish bowl and my thoughts are thousands of little fish). sometimes i can catch one or two of those fish and make a pretty good meal (picture me fishing for trout in my own head and the "meal" representing a solid blog (not log... solid log is something else entirely) that you can consume and enjoy). i try to feed my audience a healthy meal once-a-week (obviously this doesn't always happen, so now i'm dropping the ball).

now a fisherman, a coal miner, a logger, textile worker, chef, artist, etc., expects to be compensated for the product they create. i look at the comments left as ample compensation for my labors. i could charge for this service that i provide (joy), but i don't (could i charge? i should set this up as a member site. i need to look up angelfire or tripod and see if i can do something like that).

some of you may agree with kevin, who apparently sees himself as some sort of enlightened artist who suffers for his work, and though he peruses his blog 14 times per day to see if a comment is left, refuses to implore his friends to take two minutes from their busy lives to think of something clever/charming/critical to say. i'm not even asking for positive comments here. as a matter of fact, i welcome any disparaging comment that you choose to leave. all i ask is that you contribute to the conversation. this is ground-breaking stuff we are doing here over at justin, edward, allen and bragg industries (no its not), and you are in on the ground floor of something big (no you're not).

so returning to the fish analogy, don't be a shark who comes and steals the life of this community. there are plenty of predators out there, and i don't need no haters coming onto my turf and stealing my waves (my analogies have me confused and i have made so many parenthetical comments that i literally don't know if i am writing an aside or actual point from one moment to the next).

i understand that i won't reach double digits with this post in the comment sea. rough waters may be ahead and i understand that many of my friends showed themselves to be just that... friends, and stepped it up when i asked for their contribution. i won't ask again, but it has been a blast this past week to see all of you coming out of the woodwork (what does woodwork mean?) to show some love. i also understand (although i hate to admit it) that some of the fish i put in the frying pan should have been thrown back (interpretation, sometimes the stuff i write isn't funny when it is trying to be, or just misses the mark) so they don't warrant a comment.

*** some unfinished business to address from the comments: ***

* reader comment of the week award goes to billy. we don't even know eac hother in the cyberworld, and rarely in the real world either, but you started things off with a great comment that made me laugh (and grossed me out). well done. come back anytime

* yes heather, it was called pit fall. thank you for pointing that out.

* the award for the comment posted from the furthest distance from my front door step goes to: josh carstensen, all the way from korea. somehow he found a way to type korean and make it look like english. i don't know how you did it, but it's good to have you swimming in my pool. the water is fine.

* if you get a chance, post a comment on kevin's blog. he is too humble and dignified to ask you to, but i think he'd really appreciate it. if you don't know kevin, might i suggest that your comment have something to do with one of the following subjects: brett favre, the get up kids best album, meat products that you enjoy eating, espn football analysts, peyton manning, kanye west, bus and taxi drivers in chicago, hair care, or taking showers after exercising.

* one positive and one negative comment in relation to the pogs subject. i still don't know what to do or what it is.

* thanks for showing your face, duane. on the phone you always tell me that you laugh at my silliness, but it's nice to be recognized in print

* there has been some confusion regarding my comments about reading. i was merely stating that i should revisit some of the books that i have rejected in the past. kevin said it right (even grammatically correct, i'm sure), i have no intention of reading jane austen or the like, i was just thinking of things that i said "no way" to in the past, and whether i should give said things a chance now that i am older and wiser and more sophisticated (insert sarcastic comment here)

* heidi: my wife, the love of my life, my best friend, the best cook in the world, my favorite person in this world - i am sorry if i have made you feel dumb with constant poking fun at myface (aka facebook). you know it is merely because i am jealous. it's like when a 3rd grade girl has a crush on a boy and hits him, trips him in the hall and calls him names to show it.

* keith (the commish) and heather both used "in this economy..." in their comments... extra points for you two!

i'd just like to point out that i was feeling guilty for not posting an entry, and that i simply aimed to begin with a quick remark on my friend kevin's bemoaning my comment currency system. i didn't mean it to turn into this.

reconsider

2009-02-06T16:41:00.005-05:00

my readers are really dropping the ball when it comes to posting comments on these entries. heidi and kevin are solid and reliable for a snarky statement every time, but the rest of you are inconsistent at best. i thought my readership was expanding, but the past two posts have yielded merely 5 comments between the two of them. with all this being said, and my feelings hurt, i move on to another quest into the abyss that is my mind.

for years i had no interest in watching american idol. for years i prided myself as one of the only americans to never see a minute of this show. i knew who kelly clarkson was, and that the barry manilow guy was gay. i knew ruben was fat, and the asian guy couldn't sing. but i long stood firm in my resolution to not watch the show.

well a couple of weeks ago i got sucked in (i feel validated in admitting this now that i have heard bill simmons comment that he too has been sucked in this year. if the sports guy does it, then why can't i?). i could give you the excuses, but i'm not sure i have to defend this decision. it's a pretty compelling show. i'm not obsessed (i didn't watch this week), but i enjoy the drama. the bad acts are horribly awesome. the good singers are talented and entertaining. simon demands your attention. he's kinda sweet in that "he's such an a.hole-i wish i could be that brutally honest" kind of way. i wish i could hire randy as my alarm clock: "yo dog. it's time to get up. i like you. you got something going on that i like man. get up. you're gonna have a great day..." will i watch every week (apparently it shows a couple nights per week - too much of a television commitment from me... what with wednesday night devoted to the real world and thurdsday night devoted to the office... i can't become one of those people who "has" to watch a particular show every night)? probably not. but i was entertained, and in this economy one can't pass up an opportunity for free entertainment.

watching (and yes, enjoying) american idol got me thinking about revisiting some other things that i have either tried, or refused to try in the past. keep in mind that i have been vehemently opposed to myspace, harry potter, the oc, "IM-ing," text messaging, etc... only to later enjoy these things greatly. i make overly-generalized and hyperbolic statements all the time. for example: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are the greatest food ever! joe montana is the greatest quarterback ever! i'm never going to shave my beard again! hot tamales are the best candy! i could swim across this lake in 15 minutes! (oh wait, that was kenny) this soup is the best soup i have ever had! me and 14 friends could take down a t-rex! the 2008 bengals were the worst football team ever! (that one might be true)

pogs. for some reason pogs have been discussed by people i know several times in the last few weeks. i don't know what pogs are. i was too old when they came on the scene. i do know that there a device called a "slammer" and that sounds awesome, so maybe it's time to give pogs a try. if any reader has any pogs in their possession, please consider joining my pog league (and explain to me what pogs actually are)

lost. yeah, i know, "best show ever..." whatever. i've never watched it. i saw 5 minutes once and realized that the people had houses and modern conveniences. i was always under the impression that this show was set on a remote deserted island and that the people were roughing it like robinson crusoe. i suppose i need to start from the beginning, but once the hype reaches this level of huge-ness, i lose interest.

animal collective. kevin swears to me that the new album is fantastic. i've heard the past couple of animal collective albums and they were boring and never held my attention. i have loads of AC songs on my ipod that get no play. but kevin is right when he tells me that he doesn't steer me wrong on music recommendations. so i will get the new one and give this band another shot.

white creamy substances. if you know me, then it is well-known that i hate all white, creamy substances in the food realm. mayonnaise, ranch, sour cream, cream of anything soup. in the past i could not eat cream cheese, but i enjoy that now. at one point i stopped eating vanilla ice cream for an entire year just to be consistent. the thing that sucks about being utterly disgusted by these substances, is that they are on/in everything. i can't order a sandwich at a deli without making my order special. i love mexican food, and for some reason sour cream is always dollop-ed on top, staring at me and saying, "what are you going to do about it? scrape me off? suffer through it? ask the server to take it back?" damn you, sour cream - why are you so cruel! if i can make progress with the white stuff, i may also look to reverse my disdain of onions, olives and ketchup.

titanic. i have mentioned before in this space that i take great pride in having never seen this. but it's to a point now that this pride is rather meaningless. what would happen if i watched titanic? really? would my head implode? would my heart turn to stone? would the war in iraq end? to tell you the truth, i would probably be slightly bored and slightly intrigued throughout the entire movie, which isn't too far from my experience with most movies.

something fashionable. i'm thinking here of making some fashion change. maybe i should go back to silvertab jeans and no fear shirts. perhaps i should start wearing a baseball cap again. i've considered going back to trying hard to have some sort of fasion sense. i tried the other day, but still ended up walking out of the house in a pair of jeans, a plain cotton tee and a hoodie. maybe it's time to go jewelry. or get into really cool sneakers. i could do something. make some sort of statement.

read a book. i'm not sure which book it should be. over the years i have picked up and put down a lot of books. hemmingway comes to mind. i read "the old man and the sea" and was yawning the entire time. but everyone speaks so highly of hemmingway, perhaps i need to give him another try. i love drunken, miserable, self-loathing authors. why should i steer clear of him? or maybe i should delve into shakespeare, or jane austen. i'm not sure. but i know that i am very particular about the books i choose to read, and it's time to give some of those previously-rejected authors another chance.

video games. i grew up without video games. we never had them (except a commodore 64 which had sweet games like spy hunter, mission impossible, dig dug, and some game where you swung on vines). i got my first nintendo when my friend got the super nintendo and his mom made him give me his old nintendo. i've never purchased a video game console. i've never been too obsessed with any game for longer than one week. the reason for this is because i have always been inferior in all video games. while my friends ethan, taylor and brian were spending hours in the dark living room playing halo and saying things like, "sweet dude. i just killed you with my rocket launcher..." i was trying to get my guy out of some dark corner and waiting to be shot it the back of the head with some laser blaster gun or even worse, hit in the face repeatedly by the butt of an opponents rifle and not being able to do a thing about it. so humiliating. i used to like the madden football games. maybe i could try that again. maybe its just time to break out that old nintendo and challenge my friends to a game of rbi baseball, knowing full well that nobody can beat me at that.

let me close by telling you something that i will not give a shot to enter my life: facebook. that's right. i'm going on record. the sad thing is that i have made fun of heidi so much about facebook, that i can never get on it now, even though i keep getting comments from friends like, 'why are you not on facebook? i would talk to you a lot more if you were on facebook.' i did this same thing with myspace when i first learned of it's existence. myspace was intricately involved in allowing heidi and i to get together in the first place, so i dont' regret getting on myspace. but here i am again... at a crossroads. do i jump in and just enjoy what is sure to be something that will allow me to communicate with friends and family in a more consistent and convenient way? or do i allow my pride to rule and refuse to give in, just because i won't be able to handle my wife's pleasure in the giving in? any reader support and advice would be welcomed here as well. wouldn't the act of me giving in and joining facebook force my wife to think less of me for not being a man of my word? don't i have to continue to refuse to join? these are the thoughts that haunt me.

father knows best

2009-02-04T17:58:00.001-05:00

dads are really cool. dads are awesome. i love my dad. i love my wife's dad. if i've met your dad, chances are i love him. dads are the easiest people in the world to talk to (robo ken being the exception... that man frightens me. when i met him, i could have swore that he was going to look at me and say "you're fired." "from what, sir?" would have been my reply. "from being my son's friend. you're a dirty hippie and i want you out of my house.")

when you meet a dad it's guaranteed that you can talk about at least one of the following subjects for a considerable amount of time: the weather, sports, occupation, travel times between various destinations and attractions in any given location across the country. outside of those universal topics, there are many other topics that can be addressed with a father, depending upon their interest: fishing, hunting, politics, cars, real estate, religion, movies, classic rock, etc.

kevin and i have talked several times about how we are great with dads, and how proud we are of this. heidi may never have married me if her dad didn't love me so much. i have mentioned in this blog before how he was the one who asked me to marry his daughter. i win.

coates is going to be a dad soon. coates will be a good dad (you get a shout out in my blog if i find out that you actually read it). why all of this talk about dads? it's pretty simple: dads are really important. moms are important too, but i'll never be a mom, so i don't really care about them. mom is stuck with whatever offspring falls from her uterus; no matter how stupid, sloppy, rude, crazy, etc. that kid is. mom gets stuck with the bill. moms are heroes. they really are.

a dad should be his son or daughter's hero #1. sadly, dads don't always stick around. when stuff gets bad, dads can take off. and far too often, dads do take off. perhaps because the kid didn't spend nine months in his body, he feels less of an attachment. perhaps because he doesn't lactate milk he doesn't feel as essential and necessary to the whole process. and perhaps he "fell out of love," "wasn't ready to be a dad" or "ran off with the 19 year-old down the street." excuses... nothing makes me more upset.

disclaimer of sorts: i'm passionate about this stuff. it really gets me going. if you didn't have a dad, or your dad never was to you what he should have been, that's not on you. i'm not saying that boys and girls can't grow up to be good people without a dad, but i do think that it's really hard. so if this topic hits a sensitive nerve with you, then i am truly sorry, but my hope is not to make you feel like hell about the lack of a father in your life, but rather to celebrate sweet dads and encourage you to become one (if you are not already)

i work with kids. i work with poor kids who are diagnosed with some sort of mental health disorder. my current caseload is 33 children, and 32 of them are boys (the one is the sister of one of my boys, so i gotta keep her). i ran the stats, and 29/33 of the children i see on a weekly basis are growing up without a father in their life.

some dads are alcoholics and live on the other side of town but have no interest in seeing their sons. some dads are in prison. some dads pay child support and some do not. some dads died, and some do not know where their family is because he chose to beat his wife/girlfriend and/or children.

sometimes the dad still is in the house, but sadly, it does not make much of a difference. i visit homes where 'father of the year' is playing 'call of duty 4' and 'grand theft auto' while mom is yelling at the kids to stop hitting each other, clean up their rooms, stop talking back and take a timeout. dad is playing his video game. he's there, and that's a step in the right direction, but it's not enough.

it's really pretty simple. a kid should have a dad. i realize that this is not always possible, but we can't explain away the trends of destruction experienced by a growing majority of boys and girls simply because we are not comfortable with the conclusion. i'm not sexist. if the stats showed that kids were growing up in homes with a single dad, then we could talk about that, but it's just not the case. there is an epidemic and it really is tragic.

there are countless examples, especially in the sports world (the only world i really know anything about): what do vince young, pacman jones, randy moss, terrell owens, allen iverson and almost 70 percent of black professional athletes have in common? you guessed it, no dad in the picture (2 out of 3 black children grow up in a single-parent home). now anytime a middle-class white dude even mentions race, things get uncomfortable and tense. therefore, i won't make any sweeping generalizations or precise comments. i will tell you to read this article and probably countless other examples that can be seen in society and the media.

so where is this going? what's the point? the big picture?

barak obama will not change the country. i know everybody is hopeful and excited and that's great. and perhaps mr. obama can inspire deadbeat dads to grow up and take some initiative in their lives and do the hard thing. i don't know. i'm really not sure what the job description of the president is, but he makes nice speeches and if someone has a his ear, perhaps you can suggest that he addresses this in one of those fancy 'state of the union' speeches.

but until that happens (and even if it did, who would really listen and take it to heart?) we are in dire need of a plan. it's time to take a step in the right direction.

i'm extremely fortunate to be a part of a church that gets it. week after week i listen to a pastor (a devoted husband and father of 5) tell men to grow up and take some responsibility. as with all things in life, the charge begins with "grow up... work harder, pay attention, do good..." but it goes beyond that. the bible says that we have a Father, and he is God. that's a pretty remarkable thing to say. i have a great father, but i have an even greater Father that has adopted me and brought me into his family. why am i a christian? why do i go to church, read the bible, pray, try to love people and be honest and love and honor my wife? it's not because i'm a good dude. it's not because i think that if i try really hard and if my good stuff outweighs my bad stuff then i might get a shot to escape the flames of hell. the reason, the cause, the thing that compels me is the grace i have received and a simple desire to experience the joy of that grace every day of my life.

one of these days i'm going to be a dad. my friend nate downey is a great dad of two (soon to be three) little ones. my friend duane is a devoted father who will do everything possible to provide for, love, teach, protect, etc., his little daughter. these are just two examples of guys i know that i look up to. i can't wait to be a dad. it scares the hell out of me, but i couldn't be more excited about future. when my kid is playing the piano and guitar, playing football/basketball/baseball, raising his hand in sunday school to answer whatever question is asked with "Jesus," bringing home the best art projects of his whole class, and reading 19th century german lit in the 4th grade, i will beam with pride and joy (i have great expectations for my children). as much as i have promised heidi that i will never take off, that i will never leave her or treat her poorly, i promise to make that same commitment to whatever little ones are added to our family someday.

blog party

2009-01-24T11:38:00.004-05:00

it has recently come to my attention (and by recent i mean 2 minutes ago) that this week marks the year anniversary of my entrance into the blogosphere (lame). in celebration of this achievement (anniversaries call for celebrations) i offer a compilation of facts, thoughts, stories, general rambling, and so on and so forth.

+ it's saturday morning. heidi is at work. i have literally nothing to do today. T minus 5 hours until heidi comes home, at which point i will annoy her just like my dog calvin annoys me when i get home from work. she will most likely walk into the house with a desire to relax or something, but i will be nipping at her heals and holding a tennis ball in my mouth while constantly jumping on her lap with an eye toward being scratched under my neck. she will most likely kick me and tell me to go away and i won't be able to blame her for this.

+ a dirty, sweaty, fat, old man asked me if i wanted to receive oral stimulation from him the other day. i texted almost everyone i know this story, but i have to publish it in writing so that i don't forget that this happened to me (i have the worst memory ever). he was very polite and cordial both in his request, and his response to my shocked denial of his offer. did i mention that all of this happened while i was sitting in the parking lot of william harrison's tomb! william henry freaking harrison! the ninth president of this great nation. the first commander-in-chief to die in office. "old tippaconoe" as he was known following his military leadership to defeat those pesky indians, must have been turning over in his grave as these events transpired. thank you to my many friends and my wife who, through the modern technologies of text messaging, gave me encouragement and comfort in my time of crisis. allow me to repeat, once more, that i said "no" to this man's advances.

it's a sick world that we live in. people are depraved. i thought about going introspective and existential here, but we are celebrating my blogiversary, so i will keep the party going...

+ beyonce is a pretty girl, but her music is terrible.

+ nickelback is far too popular and i don't understand why.

+ i have picked almost every nfl playoff game incorrectly since the first round (where my record was at least .500) so why not keep the trend going and cast my vote for the pittsburgh steelers as super bowl champions.

i would love nothing more than to be wrong about this. i love kurt warner and the arizona cardinals, but when it comes to sports, nothing i ever want to happen actually does. i am consistently let down and disappointed by the outcomes of all sporting events. i had a good run with the san francisco 49ers in the '80s, but since then things have been pretty abysmal for my rooting interests. why do i keep coming back to sports? sports is a whore. you love her and strive for her to return that love for you, but it will never happen.

+ my father-in-law once compared his vehicle (a saab) to a prostitute. he said something along the lines of, "all i ever do is put money into that car and it gives me nothing back." makes sense to me.

+ heidi learned how to make a delicious pad thai. i'm telling you, it's really good. she's the best.

+ my neighbor has a yellow lab puppy that is pissing me off. this thing is absolutely adorable and is the most well-behaved dog i have ever seen. my dog is jumping all over the place and acting a fool and this dog is perfectly obedient. i take offense at this because somehow i think that my neighbor is better than me in some way. i feel sorry for my future children.

+ kevin just texted me a message that began with, "in this economy..." i love how much traction this statement gets.

+ in this economy, people need to say things like, "in this economy" to communicate the reason and purpose behind what is actually being said.

+ that didn't make any sense.

+ heidi and i are both reading a fascinating book titled, "bobos in paradise: the new upper class and how they got there," by david brooks. check it out. i think we bought it for $.49 online. here's a quote that is dealing with the conflict between reality and ideals of the bobos (bohemian-bourgeois):

"but the biggest tension, to put it in the grandest terms, is between worldly success and inner virtue. how do you move ahead in life without letting ambition wither your soul? how do you accumulate the resources you need to do the things you want without becoming a slave to material things? how do you build a comfortable and stable life for your family without getting bogged down in stultifying routine? how do you live at the top of society without becoming an insufferable snob?"

if you are intrigued by the society we live in and the way we got here... the paradox of postmodern living, this book is for you.

+ i have not heard a single person claim that "the curious case of benjamin button" is a great, or even very good movie. how is it up for 13 oscars? awards are silly and seem to lack any sense. i've never seen titanic, but i can imagine that it is terrible simply based upon the number of awards it won. that and the fact that it is dumb.

+ bill simmons wrote a heart-wrenching piece on the passing of his dog. i wish dogs didn't have to die. i had three dogs die while growing up and i cried for two of them (the third happened while i was away at college and i didn't like that dog as much anyway).

+ getting sick is dumb. heidi is getting sick right now and is miserable. i have not gotten sick this year and i accredit that to the fact that i have eaten an orange every day this year.

+ my friend pete fosco said something that made me laugh last weekend, "bananas are great. if i could, i would eat one everyday." as if one could not eat a banana every day - they cost like a quarter and are readily-available year-round. i guess you had to be there, but i LOL'd for sure.

+ wayne grudem, in "systematic theology," has an interesting statement concerning how we argue for the validity of our beliefs:

"everyone either implicitly or explicitly uses some kind of circular argument when defending his or her ultimate authority for belief."

that sounds about right. he says this while defending the authority of scripture and i think it's worth contemplating for a moment. go ahead and get a little introspective here. think about why you think what you think and why you live according to these presuppositions.

+ the inclusion of two quotes from books in this post is to prove, in fact, that i am reading as per my new years resolutions stated a few weeks ago in this blog.

i just wanted to make sure everyone got that.

+ lately i have been obsessed with drinking water out of mason jars. i have no idea why this is so endearing to me, but i feel like the consumption of water experience is improved 10-fold when drank (drunk, dranken, drunken, drinked - i never know how to say drink in the past tense) from a mason jar. i can only imagine how good some fresh-squeezed lemonade would taste from a mason jar while sitting in a rocking chair on a porch in the dead of summer while smoking a pipe and playing a banjo.

+ my aim has always been to produce one blog a week in this space. looking back over the year i see that i have created 43 entries for the audience to savor and enjoy. 83% ain't bad. i'll try to do better this next year.

sweet

2009-01-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

AP - January 14, 2009

a debate has been raging across the country forcing men and women to come to terms with their most haunting fears and to choose a side in a fierce battle that has left a wake of strained friendships and shattered hearts. experts warn that if you're not careful, you may find yourself at the heart of this great war. if a giant wall could separate east and west germany for decades, there's no telling what a candy bar could do...

that's right, a candy bar. at the sweet center of this flamboyant feud stands the age-old debate concerning how one defines a candy bar. wikipedia defines a candy bar as: "A chocolate bar is a confection in bar form comprising some or all of the following components: cocoa solids, cocoa butter, sugar, milk. The relative presence or absence of these components form the subclasses of dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. In addition to these main ingredients, it may contain emulsifiers such as soy lecithin and flavors such as vanilla. There are many varieties of chocolate; milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, peanut butter chocolate, and many more. A candy bar (called a chocolate bar in British English, Australian English and Canadian English, where the word candy refers specifically to sugar candy) is a form of confectionery usually packaged in a bar or log form, often coated with chocolate, and sized as a snack for one person. But within that term, a wide variety of products exist, ranging from solid chocolate bars to multiple layerings or mixtures of ingredients such as nuts, fruit, caramel or fondant."

most important to note in the above definition is the word "usually" that an informed and educated reader will clearly understand to mean that while the candy bar has it's root in the bar form, that elapsed time has allowed for a more tolerant definition of candy bar.

in a recent survey, 3 out of 4 americans agreed that twix is indeed a candy bar. what does a statistic like this prove? overwhelmingly apparent is the willingness of good, hard-working, rational-thinking, red-blooded americans to embrace a fair, balanced, and legitimate definition of the candy bar. also apparent in this scientific study's findings is the surprising portion (25%) of population that remains oblivious, short-sighted and ignorant of embracing a progressive and inclusive definition of candy bars in all shapes and sizes.

overheard at a local sporting event in cincinnati, OH, a collaboration of seemingly successful and well-spoken young men feverishly exchanged jabs and quips concerning what defines the oh-so-succulent candy bar. one member of the handsome group, kevin warwick, a copy editor who insisted this reporter mention that he lives in chicago, IL, not cincinnati, OH, was quoted as saying, "twix is not a candy bar because there are two of them in the package." this same man, who appeared to be a little frazzled, is on record for rejecting the inclusion of kit kat, almond joy/mounds, and resee's peanut butter cups into the canon of candy bar-dom. other members of the group asserted that m&m's have no place in the realm of candy bars, because if accepted, the door would be open too wide for other "candies" to be defined as a candy bar (skittles, runts, nerds, etc.).

michael "shorty" short, a local postman and pizza delivery driver, told local reporters, "that's just ridiculous. skittles are not a candy bar."

kenny roa, a male nurse who is on record for supporting a wider candy bar definition but rejects including raisinettes in the candy bar classification, pontificated, "what if raisenettes came in a bar form? would they be a candy bar then? raisins aren't candy!"

so what is one to do with all of this information? can a solution be found? one might hope to find a middle-ground upon which all candy-lovers can stand, but it seems unlikely and nearly impossible. a debate of this magnitude, with these implications is unlikely to find resolution in this lifetime.

justin bragg, a social worker, said confidently, "in this economy, people are desperate to find a piece of peace and comfort in a long overdue definition of candy bars that can be embraced by all people - young and old, man and woman, american and... foreigner. this indiscretion - the rift that divides sons and fathers, and daughters and mothers, has gone on far too long. how can a society function with such an egregious and divisive chasm between it's members? sooner or later, the crack in the facade will lead to an irreversible collapse of human civilization as we know it. and i, for one, can't stand to to see that happen."

mr. bragg is in favor of an expanded and inclusive definition of a candy bar. one only has to walk into a local convenient store to observe the placement of candy bars on the shelf. "when i want to grab a candy bar to munch on after filling up the gas tank," bragg states, "i go to one shelf and pick from any number of packaged sweet delights. i can grab a snickers, junior mints, 3 musketeers or peanut m&ms and be sure that i am in fact grabbing a candy bar. if we are going to segregate candy based on insignificant and inconsistent differences, then we have a large problem on our hands - a lack of unity and cohesion."

if one were interested, wikipedia has posted a fair list of candy bars. feel free to peruse the list and take note of the wide variety and freedom given to classify a given sweet as a "candy bar." one also may participate in this quiz, which is part of the "Science Museum of Minnesota's Thinking Fountain." that's just science, folks, and you can't argue with that. if you would like to purchase a candy bar, feel free to order from this site (note the wide variety of inclusion).

in conclusion, if the reader has learned anything from this article, may it be simply that candy bars were meant to be enjoyed - plain and simple. don't let the joy-robbing candy bar barons come and destroy your fun and delight. feel free to grab that candy bar, open the package, and bite into the glorious collaboration of high fructose corn syrup, corn starch, processed sugars and food dye... enjoy.

* dan rather contributed to this report.
** ed werder attempted to contribute to this report, but had nothing to offer since the dallas cowboys were not involved.
*** chris mortensen reported this report after somebody else broke the story.

resolutions

2009-01-07T09:58:00.003-05:00

it's a new year. i'm making resolutions:

1) eat more beef. i read a statistic that the average american eats 64 lbs of beef a year. this number is reduced from 87 lbs per year just a couple decades ago. i find this tragic. i admit that i eat far less beef that i used to, but for some reason i feel it my duty to fulfill my responsibility to God and country to eat my fill of dead cow. i have a couple of vegetarian friends, so it would seem that i'm going to have to step it up even more to make up for their failures. beef... it's what for dinner... and lunch... and breakfast...

2) read more. and i'm talking books here. i spend too much time on the internet. i need to close the computer, turn off the tv and crack open a book. i read. i read more than most, but i don't read as much as i used to and i can feel myself getting dumber and dumber by the day. i'm going to tackle a big, old book this year. something like gulliver's travels or some crap like that.

3) take more pictures. kevin's last blog post made me consider the fact that i don't have nearly enough photos of the events of my life. if you know me at all, you know that i have absolutely no memory. you'd think that someone in my predicament would take a lot of pictures to capture and retain the moments that will fade into oblivion. but i don't. so this year i'm taking loads of pics - kind of like "memento" with pictures instead of tattoos.

4) eat a subway $5 foot long. the commercial jingle gets stuck in my head at least twice a week, and when you think about it, 5 bucks for a foot of food is a good deal. subway's pretty good. i like the control of pointing and telling the sandwich artist what to include and exclude from my creation. i like the act of combining my artistic side with my eat-lots-of-food side.

5) be more generous. this one is serious. i used to be much more generous with my time and money. i've been talking with heidi about how we can be more responsible with our money with an aim toward giving away more of what we have. i lament over what i perceive to be an attitude of selfishness that has increased in my life. i get stressed about money. in this economy it's hard to pay the bills and have a good time. i'm hesitant to put myself out here like this (readers who encounter me on a regular basis can call me out if i'm doing this or not), but oh well. money isn't a good idol. it's not a good thing to get wrapped up in. i have no use for keeping my money to myself and not dispensing it freely.

what does generosity look like? it could be anything, really. maybe it's buying a beer for a friend and not expecting one to be bought for me in return. i know for a fact it includes giving more and regularly to my church because i believe in what is going on there and i trust that God has given me cash to use for good in this world. generosity includes giving the buck in my pocket and the change in my car to anyone who asks. it also means helping someone move on a weekend, or offering to help my neighbor bring her groceries into the house.

6) start a facebook. i'm not sure about this one. i think i mentioned in a previous post that i'm not on myspace much anymore. heidi has a facebook. heidi's mom has a facebook. my sister is on there, and so is bill simmons and jack-o. why have i stayed away? i have no idea what facebook is like. it frightens me but i am considering taking the plunge.

7) drive across the country. this one only counts if heidi and i actually move to california as we have discussed. if this does in fact take place, then i will be happy to report that 2009 was the year that i drove across the country (minus a couple of states to the east of me).

8) forgive brett favre. if he can announce his retirement for real this year, and i can forgive and forget him for wasting hours of my life over the past several years, then i can anticipate 2010 as a "no brett favre" year... how glorious it would be.

duel.

2008-12-26T14:59:00.000-05:00

i sometimes wonder about stuff. all kinds of stuff really, but mostly mindless minutia, imaginary scenarios, "what ifs" and the like.

as can be deduced from the title of this blog, i'm a big fan of jeopardy. heidi and i watch pretty religiously, and plan our evenings around that glorious half hour between 730 and 800.

sometimes i catch part of wheel of fortune as well.

in a media/culture class i took in college, the professor stated that wheel of fortune gs. the highs and lows.... brilliant!

heidi mused in her last blog about the "everyday" life of someone like vanna white. this is a marvelous point to examine. do the spouses of vanna white and pat sajak watch the show every night? how are pat's kids treated in their school and social settings? does alex watch wheel of fortune? do pat and vanna get together with their respective spouses for all-you-can-eat buffets at the golden coral? does alex get at trouble at home with his wife for always correcting her when she is wrong? (alex: "oh, i'm sorry... we were looking for the ming dynasty. alex's wife in reply: "i hate you. that's why i've been having an affair with chuck woolery for the last 22 years." alex: "right!")

most importantly, the following question must be considered: if alex and pat were to fight, who would win?

obviously, there are many factors to take into consideration here. where does this fight take place? are weapons allowed? what are the rules of conduct? what role does vanna white play?

= physical stature: pat is 62 years old and stands tall at 5'10" while alex hits a mere 5'8" and has 68 years under the belt (actual stats from the internet) advantage: sajak

= physical health: trebek suffered a minor heart attack earlier this year. sajak has a terrible fake tan. advantage: sajak

= mental toughness: trebek is much smarter than sajak. this is indisputable in all possible scenarios. advantage: trebek

= potential for crippling cheap shots that could paralyze the opponent both literally and figuratively: sajak is used to spinning the wheel, and that has to count for something. plus, depending on the rules of conduct, a viscious white on the ropes outside the ring could be a huge advantage if pat needs some help. i first thought that the clue crew would assist trebek greatly, but i'm pretty sure each one of them hates alex and secretly hopes he dies because every one of those smug little bastards thinks he/she can do a better job than alex (they can't). advantage: sajak

= crowd factor: assuming this takes place in madison square garden and there are close to 30k on hand for the event (a fair assumption) there's no chance the crowd roots for sajak. he's an absolute tool. it would be unamerican to root against trebek (wait, he's canadian, right? oh well). advantage: trebek

= craftiness: i'm pretty sure i've heard alex make reference to just about every subject ever conceived in human history, so when it comes to who is more likely to pull a completely surprising, jaw-dropping move that leaves the viewer thinking, "where did that come from? i would have never thought to try that..." advantage: trebek.

it's 3 to 3 heading into the final category...

= the role of cosmic forces (God, karma, murphy's law, buddha and nirvana, etc.,): can we live in a world where a man named pat is a champion in any forum? has pat sajak contributed anything to society as a whole? do you think God cares more about intelligence or spinning wheels? these and many other questions all point to the inevitable: advantage trebek

yeah, i fixed it so trebek would win. yeah, there is many more productive things i could have done with the last hour of my life. and yeah, there is no way that this subject should have been addressed in the first place. add to it that i just realized while doing some late research on the subject of trebek vs. sajak that one of those stupid claymation celebrity wrestling shows did this whole thing... i didn't watch the youtube video to see who won, but as you might guess, i am extremely disheartened that my work here is not original. sorry for wasting your time. happy holidays and all that.

best/worst... lists!

2008-12-18T17:03:00.005-05:00

with christmas and the new year literally just around the corner, the internet and magazines alike are abuzz (is that a word) with "best of/worst of" the year lists. i love these things. i love reading pitchfork's compilations of the best albums of the year and thinking to myself, "i've never heard of that... it must suck."

with the plethora of lists to occupy your time (there really are so many) i figure i should treat you, the reader, to a set of lists that i have made up of the best and worst stuff of '08. keep in mind that i have the worst memory ever. many of these entries have probably happened within the last few months because in all honesty, i can't recall most of the events of my life. so without further procrastination, here it goes (no particular order for any list):

top albums of the year (obligatory):

1. fleet foxes, sun giant - ep / self titled
2. tv on the radio, dear science
3. bon iver, for emma, forever ago
4. sigur ros, med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust
5. girl talk, feed the animals
6. connor oberst, self titled (i know, i was surprised too)

(this list could also be titled "the only albums i bought this year because i have become much more picky when it comes to purchasing albums and i just don't do as much as i used to," or "according to my itunes playlist count, this is the stuff i listened to the most this year")

best trips i took (and a movie reference that relates to each place included in the heading):

1. ernest goes to camp (if ernest were to represent all my jackass friends)
2. home alone (but not so much because i was there with my wife to visit my family and friends just a few weeks ago)
3. leaving las vegas (after spending a weekend there)
4. chicago hope (aka, the fugitive part II)
5. adventures in babysitting in baltimore

best tv shows i watched this year:

1. the wire
2. the office
3. dexter
4. around the horn/pti
5. army wives
6. diners, drive-ins and dives
7. the pick up artist 2 and the real world hollywood (tie)

most annoying sports stories of the year:

1. brett favre

greatest accomplishments of the year:

1. getting a dog in april and said dog still being alive today
2. proving definitively, without a doubt, that i am the master of seinfeld trivia
3. calling the tampa bay rays rise to success before the baseball season began
4. convincing my wife to drink and enjoy red wine and not just white (it makes my life much easier)
5. building a deck with my father-in-law (it won't be finished before the new year, but we've come along way and i love being able to look at something like a huge deck and say to myself, "yeah... i built that (or helped build that, whatever)").
6. i'm still married!
7. writing a blog and having my readership increase from "2" to "7." that's remarkable growth over the period of one year.

some favorite random memories:

1. teak/city view double date with pete and heather. that was a fun night
2. cream cheese salamis part I and II (camping and russ' going away bday party)
3. northside fest and the love fest kevin and i shared on a porch (i refuse to use, and disdain any such terms as "bromance" and the like)
4. wine/beer tasting with heidi at party town (several times)
5. running on the beach of the pacific ocean with my girl
6. playing 1 on 1 on 1 football in the park with kevin and russ
7. listening to mark driscoll's "the peasant princess" series on the way to work with heidi and agreeing that being married to one another is pretty sweet.
8. watching brian "let it ride" in vegas.

worst people of the year:

1. brett favre
2. hillary clinton
3. chris berman (and his crew)
4. the ups commercial guy. i just want to take that dry erase marker and write "moron" across his forehead before shoving it up his left nostril
5. mike and mike (why do i keep watching? what is wrong with me?)
6. did i mention brett favre?
7. miley cyrus (her mere existence bothers me)
8. terrel owens

best people of the year (or the people i spent most time watching/listening to):

1. bill simmons
2. tim keller/matt chandler/mark driscoll
3. ira glass
4. alex trebek
5. brad bigney

favorite repeated activities i participated in throughout the course of the year:

1. playing gin rummy with heidi and my clients
2. racquetball
3. sunday mornings at grace fellowship church
4. hanging out with the old folks at madonna manner
5. nights at one of the following: gypsy hut, norhtside tavern, the comet
6. wednesday night (or any other night) dinner parties at the braggs
7. football games at kevin's spent making fun of commercials and killing bearcats from adriaticos
8. post-dinner walking of the dogs with heidi
9. debates on heather's deck
10. waking up every single day next to a beautiful girl (sappy but true)

that's about all i have in me. i'm sure i have many more that will come to mind and i'm positive that i have left some major things out, but like i said, i don't remember anything so i can't be held responsible for what has been omitted. feel free to add/correct in the comments.

in this economy...

2008-12-11T18:06:00.004-05:00

while in humboldt county this past weekend (that's in california, friends), my buddy nate downey, heidi and i discussed how much fun it is to start every sentence with the phrase, "in this economy..." it's a lot of fun. a few examples:

> in this economy, writing a consistent blog is very difficult.

> in this economy, graham harrell can't buy a ticket to new york to participate in the heisman ceremonies.

> in this economy, soup is my favorite evening meal.

go ahead and incorporate it in everyday conversation. in fact, go overboard - to the point where the people around you become annoyed and disinterested in anything you have to say.

we need to actually write a blog here, so lets get to some random thoughts. in this economy, random thoughts are like chicken soup to soul (the use of + and - is to indicate whether i am in favor or opposed to each entry). (if you needed me to tell you that, then you are an idiot). (i'm fairly confident that some idiots read this blog, but refuse to name names).

- i am on an unbelievable losing streak when it comes to stepping in dog poo. i mean it. every time i take calvin out to relieve himself i find myself looking down in disgust, and then spending the next 11 minutes trying to scrape, rub, hit, lick (not really) that crap off my shoes. i have like 4 pairs of shoes sitting on the doorstep right now because i can't get all the doo-doo off. it's getting to be ridiculous.

+ heidi and i got ipod shuffles from my parents for christmas this year. i ran the past two mornings to the sounds of my favorite songs, and i can tell you that it's made my morning ritual much more enjoyable. thanks mom and dad for hooking me up. it's great! how did i go so long without this accessory? i will never run in silence again... mark my words.

- kentucky/ohio is cold. as i mentioned earlier, we spent some time in northern california last week. it was in the 50s and 60s during the day and it was awesome. i was running around in just a hoodie all weekend - didn't even bring a jacket. fantastic.

+ speaking of travel: i was pretty sick with a massive head cold on my way out there, so i decided to attack it full on with orange juice after orange juice on the plane. i was drinking that stuff down and then, lo and behold, my cold is now gone. good riddance, cold. you're not welcome here anymore. and don't come back.

- he went to jared!

+ i have worked three day weeks each of the last three weeks. i could get used to this (i have gotten used to this... next week is going to blow). i work much better on a limited schedule. 40 hour weeks are for suckers.

- somebody told me that there was an attempted assassination on barack obama today, and that this was the third such attempt. i don't know if this is true, and am too lazy to do any research, but i am opposed to assassination attempts on the mr. president-elect (side note: the person that told me this, in response to my statement that some crazy people don't like the idea of a black president, said "i don't like it either." she assured me that she would not attempt to assassinate the future president and i told her i believed this to be a wise decision).

- + calvin gets his balls cut off tomorrow. (the + is for heidi and i, while the -, obviously, is for calvin). heidi and i have discussed giving the little guy one night with a lady dog before stealing his manhood from him. this doesn't appear to really be a viable option (again, sorry calvin).

+ baseball offseason talk. i don't know what "the hot stove" is, but i love all the talk about free agents and trades. i told kevin the other night that i enjoy the offseason just as much as the actual season. i stand by that statement.

+ in this economy, playing at least 400 hundred games of gin rummy while traveling across the country is a great way to pass the time. i'm fairly confident that i beat her roughly 87% of the time (she will, of course, deny this and probably offer some sort of retort about the erroneous nature of my statistics. fair enough).

- christmas stresses me out. read kevin's thoughts on this subject, which are similar to my own. don't get me wrong, i love christmas. i love to give and receive gifts. i love family. i love tradition. i love jesus. but i just get too stressed out about buying gifts and answering that annual question, "what do you want for christmas this year?" if i had a million dollars, i would buy heidi a state-of-the-art karaoke machine. and a new car. and a bunch of other stuff. i don't have a million dollars, so she will most likely get socks (she actually asked for socks, so i can't go wrong... right?).

+ in this economy, i find myself rambling more and more.

- in this economy, you can't waste time reading random thoughts from some guy sitting on his couch in his sweats while watching espn.

the world has turned and left me here

2008-11-21T20:40:00.008-05:00

the mcrib is back. i could talk about this at great length, but i won't.

the world has passed me by.

i used to be fresh on the scene. on the up-and-up. i used to know things. i took pride in the fact that i loved such-and-such band and you didn't even know who they were yet (and by the time you did know who were they were, i would have already moved on because i'm always one step ahead of you.)

i love pop culture. it fascinates me. but it's getting to the point where i'm the old guy in the pool with all the kids and the moms on the sidelines are surveying my every move to make sure i don't make off with their child.

why don't i just go ahead and make a list of the reasons why i feel like an old man (old men make lists, so this exercise is fitting):

+ i couldn't tell you the last new album i bought, movie i saw or book i read. i'm reading the bible right now, and that's been around for a bit

+ i don't have a facebook. i've never been on facebook. i can only imagine that facebook is just another form of myspace and i can't see the reason to have the same friends who talk about the same thing on another social networking site. i can only handle so much. speaking of myspace...

+ myspace seems strange and foreign to me. nobody leaves me comments or writes me messages, and needless to say, i don't do it for them (i'm more of a 'reply' kind of guy).

+ i haven't been to a show in i-don't-know-how-long. if i did go, i would stand in the back.

+ i am wearing the same jeans, chuck taylors, american apparel t shirts and hoodies that i bought three or four years ago. i have nothing new. nothing exciting. i bought work shirts the other day: four long sleeve, button up, striped or plaid shirts that i could wear to work each day. 5 years from now will i still be wearing skinny jeans? or will i follow in the footsteps of my father and buy kirkland jeans at costco paired with an over-sized, un-tucked shirt to hide the spare tire that sits above the belt that is fastened through last hole?

+ i hardly ever see midnight.

+ i always see 7:00 am

+ i listen to talk radio. espn or npr. i just like to hear people talk when i am driving. if it's not talk radio, then it is probably a sermon i downloaded.

+ i still don't know what is so special about a blackberry or other high-tech cellular phone device. i know how to make/receive calls and text. if you ask me, i don't need my phone to do anything else.

+ on most nights, i'd just assume stay at home, because going out just seems like a hassle.

+ i don't recover like i used to. it takes more time and more effort.

+ i think that i watch the television at a much higher volume level than i used to, but i'm not sure. it sounds about the same.

+ i don't know what celebrity or hip new artist name to insert into the "i don't even know who _______________ is" statement.

+ i've started to make jokes that sound an awful lot like the jokes my dad used to make to which i would reply (inwardly or outwardly), "that's not funny." i think these jokes are hilarious, but you probably would not.

there's much more that could be listed here, but for the sake of my sanity, i'll quit while i'm ahead. i could talk about the gray hairs that are popping up above my ears, or the hairline that i swear is receding ever-so-slightly. i could talk about how the lbs don't shed the way they used to. but i'm not going to talk about that.

in the words of weezer (again. not sure why i'm defaulting there today): "i don't want to be an old man anymore..."

you may be thinking, "justin, why do you complain so much? are you miserable?"

of course not. i'm actually extremely content. i have the best wife ever. fortunately for me, she is several years younger than me, so while i grow old and incompetent, i still get to walk around with a pretty lady on my arm. sure, i'm not as cool as i once thought i was, but i'm ok with that. i look at guys like my dad, and captain carl and they are the coolest guys i know. maybe they don't wear cool clothes, get their haircut at fantastic sams, or like any bands that formed after 1983, but that's fine. they know who they are. and that's pretty cool (suddenly this post has become some sort of after school special/public announcement/afternoon talk show. let's bring in montell to give us an inspiring message of hope. better yet, allow me to quote president-elect barak obama: 'yes we can...').

let's let weezer wrap this one up for us - "if you want to destory my sweater, pull this thread as i walk away." (it's relevant... somehow... maybe not.)

observations '08

2008-11-05T20:03:00.004-05:00

the election happened yesterday. apparently this is a big deal. i have a few observations - some related and others completely off-topic.

+ people are super-excited. what would have happened if mccain actually won? what would that have looked like? it would have been like waking up on christmas morning only to find that there were no presents under the tree, and while you're at it, no tree at all. i think i read about this somewhere, i believe it was "the grinch who stole the christmas."

+ just so we're completely clear on this, john mccain would have played the part of the grinch in this scenario.

+ i voted at an elementary school yesterday morning. because of this act, i received a free tall coffee from starbucks. i later found out that because of voting laws, starbucks could not have denied me a free coffee. so why did i vote?

+ i love the latest round of glade commercials. you've either seen them or you haven't, but as a quick summary, this midlife housewife tries really hard to hide the use of glade products from her friends. sometimes she tries to pronounce it with an accent, another time she attempts to place store-bought cookies on the counter to trick her friends into thinking that the delicious smell in the air is the result of her fresh-baked goods. needless to say, she always gets caught and i suppose the message is this, "it's embarrassing to buy our product, but if you want your stuff to smell good, you should just do it."

+ andy katz (national college basketball writer for espn) played basketball with obama and his crew yesterday morning. he talked about this with every espn radio personality today. i thought about what it would be like to play basketball with the president? from katz's description of the president's play, he sounds a lot like a "chucker."

+ nebraska doesn't have a winner-take-all system in place for the electoral college. can you tell me why this is? i don't get this whole process of elections.

+ comedy central's "indecision '08:" well done mr. colbert and mr. stewart. well done.

+ am i the only one who is going to miss campaign commercials? everybody complains about their presence in life for a few weeks, but i have grown quite fond of them.

+ i know i'm not the only one (heidi has confirmed this) that voted for some people based on the commercials and signs on people's lawns. call me an uneducated-voter. call me uninformed. call me whatever you want, but that's the honest truth.

+ i hope that this is not the end of sarah palin. she's a riot. how can i get my hands on a "palin '12" bumper sticker?

+ i need to get my dog castrated. i'm serious. he is out-of-control. perhaps i can charge money for your readership of this blog. just send your check to the "chop off calvin's balls" fund c/o justin and heidi.

+ congratulations to barak obama. i'm not too sure what's going to happen or not happen, but you have to admit that it's an interesting time to be alive and that this has been a wild ride. 100k+ getting together for a rally on election night? that's just insane. how many people do you think would get together today for a george w. bush rally? i'd go. i like george. he's my favorite president since abraham lincoln.

+ speaking of lincoln, i dressed up as the 14th president for halloween and had a gay-ole time that evening. lincoln gets a lot of respect to this day from the bar-going public.

+ speaking of lincoln (part 2), i read a children's book about abe lincoln as an "animal lover" and we can thank the annual thanksgiving day tradition of a turkey pardon to honest abe. well done sir. well done.

+ looking forward to thanksgiving. one of the top 5 holidays of the calendar year.

+ trip coming up this weekend: the braggs go to the windy city. full report to come i'm sure (assuming something exciting happens (not too subtle hint to kevin to step it up and make it happen)).

guys and gals

2008-10-22T16:52:00.003-04:00

i think i have alluded to this in previous blogs and conversations with others, but i have finally figured out what the difference between women and men is, and i'll give you a hint - it's not anatomy (actually it is anatomy, but that seems a bit obvious to cover in this space. that, and i was terrible at anatomy, so i'd rather not try to discuss anything related to it at length for fear of being discovered as a fraud)

the main difference between girls and guys is level of interest. guys obsess, and girls dabble.

what do you mean, justin? (and before i get going here, know that this is not meant to be offensive to any person or group of persons. i like to stereotype. it's what i do. some call that wrong, but i call it my natural tendency and a fun way to pass the time. also, none of this has anything to do with my wife, who somehow breaks many of the guy/girl rules, and that is why i love her so...)

i have met, known, been best friends with guys who are obsessed with the following things: sports, records, movies, fine wine/beer, theology, computers/gaming, technology in general, skydiving and extreme sports, classic car restoration, weight-lifting, tattoos, getting drunk, marijuana usage, literature, bicylcle riding and a bevy of other interests i don't care to mention now.

i have met, known and been married to women who are obsessed with the following things: shoes, cooking (that one is heidi), losing weight, clothes, and getting tan.

do you notice a fundamental difference here? chicks don't get obsessed with stuff. you don't meet the girl who hasn't seen the sun for three weeks because she's locked herself in her mom's basement playing 'call of duty 4' or 'world of warcraft.' girls don't walk around in public wearing jerseys of professional quarterbacks and small forwards (unless said jerseys are pink, which is awesome. (note to reader, since i assume some comment will come regarding comment about about pink jerseys being awesome on a girl, let me tell you now that this comment was made in jest)). how many times have you walked into a girl's apartment and immediately been confronted by a 13,000 record collection? how many girls walk around quoting lines from the latest judd apatow movie and go home each night to a dvd collection of over 100? ever met a girl who couldn't stop talking about her golf score? how about the day after a game 7 loss to another team... how many times does a lady call in sick to work because she "just can't get over how devastating that loss was..."

this doesn't mean that girls don't have interests. it doesn't mean that girls don't care about important things (look at the list of things i attribute to guys... not exactly the mother theresa list of things to care about). i'm also not saying that girls can't be interested in things. they can and most certainly are. but girls dabble in many interests. so many, that it's impossible to even begin to record them here. most girls have at least 4,000 pairs of shoes. how do you decide which pair to wear each day? that's crazy to me. i have worn black chuck taylors for the last 10 years, without variance. i'm obsessed. don't give me choices. i don't do well with choices.

what conclusion can we draw from this observation? i'm not too sure. i know that dudes have the ability to get along much easier than broads (wikipedia defines broad: "a woman of lesser class then a lady but higher class then a bitch." that one's for you, brian.) because chances are you share at least one obsession with every fella you meet on the street. girls have to work too hard to find common ground to start on:

girl #1 "so, what kind of shoes are those?"

girl #2 "they're vintage, you wouldn't recognize the brand."

girl #1 "oh." (why can't i get away from shoe comments when talking about females? seriously.)

on the flip side, let's ease drop on a classic dude conversation:

guy #1 "what's up man?"

guy #2 "freakin' bengals, man... 0-7."

guy #1 (excited and raising his voice) "i know man! can you even believe that. to make things worse, you've got the entire media reporting on every insignificant detail of the dallas cowboys and jay glazer reporting every time brett favre sneezes. if it weren't for the improbable rise to greatness of the tampa bay rays, i would give up all hope..."

guy #2 (interrupting due to surge of joy) "that's what happens when you live in the entertainment age. used to be that the average middle american worked hard to sustain and build a family and sunday was a singular day in the week to come together in a social context with his neighbors and family to enjoy a competition of juggernauts and gladiators. due to the cable networks complete reliance upon "new" stories to keep the average viewer returning, the typical american is innundated with mundane and mindless trivia they try to call news. that's why i dig the new tv on the radio album, dear science, so much, because i think it captures the struggle of the modern man and woman. sure, bands like deerhunter and of montreal tell a story as well, but it far less transcendent."

guy #1 (urinating on himself now). see, that's what i'm talking about. a movie like 'forgetting sarah marshall,' or 'knocked up' shows the plight of the average american man as placed in that position by society. it's funny because it's real and it's sad because it's true. we live in a world now that rewards men for being "emotional and understanding" and rejects the heroes of old; guys like stallone, seagal, willis and schwarzenegger. everything is reversed. that's why i just sit in my apartment and smoke weed while playing halo 3. neil postman had it right in "amusing ourselves to death" when he said that we are now in the entertainment age, not the information age as once thought. do you really think anybody is any smarter now than they were before the internet? the human mind can't begin to hold onto all of the info that assaults it every day. like trying to get a sip of water from the firehose... you know what i mean?"

guy #2 i get it man. you're speaking my language. what did you say your name was again? we should hang out some time. maybe drink a few pumpkin beers and play some madden or something..."

do you see the difference between guy talk and girl talk? it's so painfully obvious.

it should be noted, at this point, that i am a male. being a male, i am most certainly excluded from the female race (it's not a race, is it? gender would have worked better there). it's possible that i'm wrong on this one, but i don't think so. my wife is taking a nap right now, or i would ask her if i am right or wrong. i'm going to go ahead and be a maverick and just his "publish post" without any confirmation. (you see what it happeing here? i'm already obsessing over whether i should discuss this with a female or not before making it public! i'm my own case study. fascinating!)

dames just typically don't get into stuff the way boys do. i don't know why this is, but it just is, and that should be enough. if i were to get all "scientific method" on this i'd feel pretty good about my question of origin and background research (28 years of being a dude and being around girls is a lot of research). my hypothesis has been constructed, but i lack an experiment that will test my hypothesis. screw it, i'll just analyze data from my frivelous background research and draw a short-sighted and possibly erroneous conclusion. you are currently enjoying the communication of my results, so 5 out of 6 in the scientific method, not bad (maybe i learned something from freshman science afterall)

now, perhaps your thinking, "justin, what is it you are trying to say? something tells me that you're going to make some grand point about how guys are better than girls..."

obviously i'm not going to make that point. as a matter of fact, in honor of this election season in which nobody makes any points, and no stance is ever taken on any issue, i'm just going to make this point (in a presidential-hopeful tone):

"people of america. men and women are different. if i am elected president, i promise to uphold and promote that difference as much as i am able. unless you don't want me to uphold that difference... then i promise to make sure everythink is homogenized, because i care about the american people. unlike my opponent who doesn't like women. or men. or puppies. he is evil, and that is why you should vote for me... because i'm not evil."

you will not enjoy this post. i promise. it's not worth reading. if you think i am joking and trying to get your attention, you are wrong.

2008-10-15T19:10:00.006-04:00

allow me to welcome back my trusty little apple ibook, who had been out of commission for over a month due to a charger failure and a lack of effort to secure a replacement. i couldn't see spending another $79 on a new one from apple, and all the off-brands received poor reviews. i eventually found one for pretty cheap that had minimal poor reviews... (you care).

with the return on the ibook comes a return of access to my itunes, and most importantly, my podcasts. for the past three days i have been marathoning every bill simmons podcast in my car as i drive around for work. i'm listening to football projections for week three of the nfl season and loving every minute of it. it's almost like i have travelled into the future, observed the outcomes of these games, and now get to go back to the past (present) and mock bill and cousin sal as they talk about what they suppose the outcomes of these future games to be. i have so much power, so much wisdom. if i could just call them and say, "you got it all wrong. trust me, i've been there, the patriots will lose to miami in week 4."

on another note, i preached a sermon to a lively bunch of senior citizens at madona manor today. my friend heather asked me to come once a week and hold a "non-denominational, protestant service" for all the non-catholics in the building. let me just tell you that i know nothing when it comes to the elderly. can i make jokes about bad cafeteria food and sponge baths? can i talk about death? i spoke about the subject of hope, and plan to continue this subject for several weeks, but every time i mentioned anything about death or life i felt like i was punching somebody in the kidney. i normally would fill a time of preaching with cultural references, personal experiences and well-planned analogies, but i quickly discovered that this would not fly with this crowd. a quick reference to the economic crisis brought about no reply, so i'm pretty sure these people don't really know what's going on. i'll keep trying though. next i'll try references to wheel of fortune and 'the jeffersons' reruns, with the hope that i can break through into their world. but i like old people. i get nervous around them, always have. even my own grandparents made me nervous, especially when they became sick and frail. i'm large and clumsy, and i think i have a fear that i will topple over some poor woman in the hall as she tries to scoot to the bathroom. one kind woman told me that i did a great job, but that it was too long. i love the honesty of the elderly, there's no more pulling punches when you get to that age. what you see is what you get. there's no time for pussy-footing around (what does that even mean? one of my favorite sayings of all time). so next week i'll trim down from a 40 minute presentation to a 20 minute, and hope that i can speak loudly and slowly enough that i don't lose everyone.

this thing is going nowhere. sorry, tried to write without a subject or goal in mind. i should probably just delete it, but i spent more than 6 minutes on it, and i don't waste that much time without some result. that and i feel compelled to average four posts a month on this blog. i'll be back with something worthwhile soon. i promise. (you care)

heidi says i'm out of control

2008-10-02T19:11:00.004-04:00

i'm sorry i only wrote two posts last month (i don't know who i am apologizing to). i try to average one a week but sometimes i just don't have anything to say. (sometimes i don't have anything to say but i write anyway)

listening to baseball is far superior to watching it on television. i love broadcaster's voices. something about listening to the game on the crackin' AM radio just makes me happy. i grew up without cable, so whenver i wanted to catch my san fran giants, it was to the radio in the garage where i would sit on this bench and listen to jon miller and mike krukow serenade angels to come down from heaven (hyperbole?) oh, and by the way, the rays are going to world series and will lose to the dodgers. i have to ride the rays (remember that i picked them as my darkhorse BEFORE the season) and they have to make it as far as the rockies did last year so that i can feel at least equal to kevin. if they win a single game in the world series then kevin owes me a pumpkin ale.

the other night i sat at a table with heidi, heather, annie and cheryle and listened to them talk about how funny ellen degeneres is. ellen degeneres is not funny. these women couldn't understand how i could possibly not be an ellen fan. simply stating that i have testicles would have been enough to settle the argument, but i insisted that there are 100 people i would rather run into on a street corner than ellen degeneres. this shouldn't be too hard. let's go

1) kelsey grammer (frasier is a great show that i am appreciating more and more recently. and i won't comment on every person, don't worry)
2-6) the cast of saved by the bell minus screech (who i have seen at a bar and was a complete tool) and mr. belding, who i also met and was the greatest human being to ever live.
7) george w. bush
8-9) bill simmons and manny ramirez at the same time.
10) alex trebek
11) bill murray (but only if i could be guaranteed that he would actually be nice to me)
12) will clark (my favorite baseball player of all time. over 170 cards in plastic sleeves located in my parents' attic supports this statement)
13) larry david
14) chuck klosterman
15) michael j fox (i'd probably say something like, "too bad you can't go back in time and change your genetic code to make sure you don't get parkinson's disease." then i'd feel really bad for making such an inappropriate comment and say something like, "i wish i could go back in time and not make that last comment.")
16-19) mark driscoll, john piper, matt chandler and tim keller (all in one room, talking about theology and stuff. i'd just sit in the corner and smile)
20) marvin lewis (later i would be charged with assault for knocking his front two teeth out with my forehead).
21) the dog whisperer guy (make my dog not crazy!)
22) conan o'brien
23) david lynch
24) wes anderson
25) dusty baker ("man, why did you give russ ortiz the game ball in game six of the 2002 world series? that was a big mistake.")
26) scott spezio (another assault charge on my record)
27) michael c. hall (who would have thought that a gay funeral director and a serial killer could be so cool?)
28) ashton kutcher
29) jim carrey (but only if he happened to be coming out of 7/11 with an oversized beverage in his hand)
30-36) paula deen, barefoot contessa, bobby flay, alton brown, guy fieri, and sandra lee (for heidi)
37-38) joe montana and jerry rice (playing catch across traffic on either side of the street)
39) phil donahue
40) garth brooks
41-44) p diddy, puff daddy, sean combs
45) a hockey player (i probably have run into lots of hockey players on the street and didn't know it because hockey is unimportant. i was going to use the name of a real hockey player, but the only one i could think of wayne gretzky and that seemed rather pointless)
46) john madden ("thanks for letting your name be used on one of the only video games of the modern era that i have ever enjoyed playing. the buffalo bills on madden 92 are unstoppable.")
47) james taylor (i'd get my picture taken with him and have him sign it for my mom)
48) chuck adomitis (see above, but for my wife)
49-50) mike and mike in the morning (i have woken up with them every morning for the last year + and though i don't really like them that much, they serve a special function in my day to day routine)
51) paul mccartney
52) chris collinsworth
53-57) band of horses (me - "hey, we used your song 'the funeral' for our wedding. thanks!" them - "we made tons of money of that song for commercials and tv soundtracks. you owe us 3,000 dollars." me - "sorry. but seriously, your music is incindiary." them - "are you really quoting 'almost famous' at us right now? you lose all listening priveleges." me - "bummer... well, see you later.")
58) matt groening ('the simpsons' deserves respect)
59) jon stewart
60) stephen colbert
61) van morrison
62) hulk hogan
63-64) robert plant and jimmy page
65) will ferrell (please make a good movie again)
66) judd apatow (thanks for freaks and geeks... and the other stuff too)
67-70) john mccain, barak obama, joe biden and sarah palin (let's settle this once and for all... on the street!)
71) the creator of street fighter (who provided me with a wonderful mental image of how the above showdown would look: sarah palin as chun li, john mccain as guile, barak obama as dhalism and joe biden as zangief)
72-98) the entire 25-man roster and manager joe maddon of the 2008 tampa bay rays who have brought me great joy by making my dark horse prediction come true. (obviously i'm running out of people to put on this list. not because it's hard to think of people i would rather meet on the street than ellen degeneres, but because i'm getting tired of this. the list is not hard to come up with. it could be anybody. that's the point. think of a name of a famous person, any famous person, and i would rather meet him/her than ellen degeneres. phil collins.))
99) phil collins
100) portia de rossi (the wife/mate/life partner/whatever of ellen degeneres. just so i could say to her, "hey, next time you see ellen, let her know that i would rather run into you and 99 other people more than her." that will get her.)

good and... not so much

2008-09-22T19:10:00.006-04:00

over the weekend i was texting heidi while flipping some burgers for the in-laws. at one point my father-in-law looks at me and says: "you're really fast at that."

in case you missed what just happened, my father-in-law (who is a man's man - you know, guns, knives, fishing, builds and fixes stuff, loves meat, etc) complimented me on my texting ability and speed. you can imagine the pride i felt in that moment (sarcasm).

things that i'm real good at:

texting: the day i discovered t9 was one of the most revolutionary days in my lifetime. the world may never know what i could do with a blackberry or a sidekick. i can text with my right or left hand. i can text using both hands. i can text while i'm driving like it's nobody's business. i don't even have to look much of the time.

drinking liquids: whether it be a can of pbr or a big glass of water, i can drink a beverage faster than you. i am sure of this. a lot of people think they can drink a can of beer really quickly, but a lot of people have been proven wrong and put to shame. i can drink hot liquids really fast as well, but not as fast.

sleep: each night i fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. each morning i wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. throughout the course of any given night i will sleep the whole night through. i hear all these people talking - "i couldn't sleep at all last night...", "i kept waking up last night...", "i woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...". i have no idea what these people are talking about. heidi wakes up at least 14 times per night to go pee (tmi?). the only reason i know this is because she tells me about it the next morning. i am good at sleeping. i wish it was my job. if it were my job, i would probably be up for a promotion.

driving: i have been in a few accidents, but none of them were my fault, and it's been a long time since it happened. i haven't received a ticket for more than two years. i have been driving a car for 12.5 years (it hurts to type that). i feel safe when i am driving, and i think my passengers do as well. i have surprisingly quick reflexes while driving (not so much outside of an automobile). i drive a stick (speaking of, how can you not know how to drive a stick? there will come a day when the security and safety of the world depends of you driving a stick-shift somewhere to complete some task that will inevitably result in the fate of the world. you're telling me that you are willing to risk the destruction of the world on you not being able to drive a manual transmission? all because you are too lazy to shift gears... automatics are for lazy, undisciplined, unthoughtful and generally evil people who don't care about anybody but themselves.)

playing dead: heidi and i play this game where she "kills me" somehow. i then lay there, playing dead, while she tries to figure out how to "bring me back to life" (examples include: finger in the ear, pushing a certain "button" on my belly, saying something ridiculous that would bring a dead person back to life). i can play dead for hours. as long as heidi doesn't cheat and tickle me (so against the rules) i suppose i can play dead for days.

predicting the tampa bay rays accent to greatness this season: magic number is two for clinching the AL east. who could have seen this coming? oh yeah, that's right - me!

things that i'm not so good at:

eating appropriate portions of food: however much food is put on my plate for a given meal, that much food will be eaten. last night we went to the red lobster for a bday dinner for the mother-in-law. endless shrimp? bad idea. i can't help it. i eat food. all these people get chipotle or thai express or something and eat half or less and then save the other half for a later meal. i can't do this. if a plate of 46hot dogs was placed in front of me, damned if i'm not going to make myself sick trying to eat them all. pizza is the worst. don't even get me started.

daily exercise regimen: heidi wakes up each day and automatically goes for a run of several miles. i wake up each morning and contemplate whether i am actually going to run or not. then i put on my shoes and start on a run. at every possible turn i consider heading home and throwing in the towel. if i have to be at work any earlier than 9 am, then chances are that i am talking myself out of a run that morning. if it's raining, too cold, too hot, my ankle hurts, my shorts are in the dryer, the shoes are on the porch and thus would be too cold to put on my feet and spiders may have taken up residence over night, i'm taking the morning off and feeling completely justified in my decision.

politics: i just don't get it. i have no idea who i'm supposed to vote for. i don't believe anybody, while at the same time, believing everything each side says. heidi's dad is really into politics and watches foxnews all the time. when he talks to me about politics i find myself thinking, "that's a great point. that is the smartest thing i have ever heard in my life. how could anybody ever think universal health care is a good idea..." i don't know. i feel like i should care, but i just don't.

wardrobe decision-making for my wife: i'm sitting on the couch, ready to go to fill-in-the-blank activity and my wife comes out of the bedroom and says, "which shoes look better, the cowboy boots or the black heels?" "which sweater should i wear, the brown one or the white one?" i never know what to say, but i make some sort of decision based on some sort of criteria in my mind. invariably, whichever choice i make verbal will lead to her choosing the opposite. "wear the black ones" is responded to with a "i think i'll wear the boots." "i don't know, the brown one?" gets a "the white one looks better." i can't win. i'm no good at this.

coming up with interesting and relevant things to talk about on this blog: i'm sorry. this whole thing was derived from my father-in-law making fun of my texting. and it has turned into this. i wish i had something interesting to write about, like organic farming, physics, antique furniture restoration, or civil war history. maybe next time.

football? i guess...

2008-09-10T20:03:00.005-04:00

tom brady is done for the season.

shawne merriman is done for the season.

alex smith is probably done for good.

vince young may or may not be done for good (literally).

the niners are terrible. the bengals are terrible (really, really terrible). the chargers looked alright, but the panthers looked better.

what's going on here? if you don't recognize these names, then i guess you don't really care... but guess who does care? that's right, i do. i care about men whom i will never meet. i care about men who are paid millions of dollars to play a game.

i love sports. i spend a considerable amount of time watching, reading about, listening to others talk about (sports talk radio is an obsession that i do not understand. i just love listening to people talk while i drive. i have become my dad), thinking about, talking about, and now, writing about sports.

i'm writing here without a script. without a direction, so forgive me while i search for the next thing to type(did i really just type that? i could just have easily thought to myself, without typing my thoughts as they come to me).

i will be at a wedding on saturday night. this means i will not be watching the buckeyes and trojans do their thing. this is tragic.

watching football on the west coast is way better than the east coast. wake up in the morning, eat some breakfast, and start watching football. it's awesome. watch a couple of games, run outside and play catch for an hour, and then get ready for the night game (which gets over before midnight, a novel concept).

my fantasy football team is terrible. carson palmer? braylon edwards? thanks guys. thanks for showing up last week.

i feel really sorry for alex smith. poor guy was drafted first by the niners, but in any other year he would have lasted until the second round. the niners talked themselves into the guy, and then had to give him a load of cash to try and learn how to play quarterback on the big stage. he didn't really get it. he has thrown 31 interceptions compared to only 19 touchdowns during his four years in the NFL. before breaking his shoulder last week, he had been relegated to the backup of a man named jt o'sullivan. that hurts. and now he's done. all those expectations, all those hopes, placed on a kid from utah... kids from utah are supposed to ride bikes and drink milk... not become superstar quarterbacks (is that prejudiced and a stereotype?)

i don't feel bad for vince young. i suppose i should. he's out of his damn mind. he is being booed by the fans at his home. that's like coming home from a long day at work and having your wife and kids mock your haircut, car, wardrobe and lack of ability to provide for the family. but vince young is a tool. i have never liked him (i guess the performance against USC for the national title has something to do with that).

do you understand what just happened in the last two paragraphs? i stated that i like and feel sorry for one 20-something athletic millionaire while at the same time mocking and holding disdain for another. why do i do this? why do any of us do this? why do i care about sports? why must i always make my opinion known? i respect and like people who share the same opinions and preferences as i, while lacking any regard for those who do not. i don't really understand what it is, and i'm not sure if i like it, but it's what i do, and apparently, i write about the fact that i do it. i feel like there is something that is supposed to be said here... some greater meaning or existential discovery to be made, i just can't quite put my finger on it...

i love football. i'm glad it's back.

without the letter "J"

2008-08-31T15:49:00.008-04:00

my computer isn't working, so i am borrowing the parent-in-laws. the letter that comes between "i" and "k" in the english alphabet is broken on the keyboard, so i might have to get creative. no "first letter of my first name" in this post. do you know how annoying it is to log onto email, blog, myspace, etc., when a prominent letter in both username and password is disabled?

+ the tampa bay rays have secured a winning record for the first time in the history of the organization. the tampa bay rays sit atop the AL east, widely acknowledged as the toughest division in baseball, with the boston red sox and new york yankees looking up and looking at their bloated salary figures wondering, "what the hell?" the tampa bay rays will make the postseason for the first time in team history. i bring all of this to your attention for the mere reason that i can say, "i told you so." that's right. i'm on record, months before the season even began as calling the tampa bay rays as my official dark horse candidate. i win.

+ i planned on writing a big-old thing about "the wire," which the lady and i just finished (season 5 - the last season), but then i stumbled upon a "stuff white people like" article, which made me feel pretty silly. i have said it before, and i will say it to every single person who allows me the chance to say it again. that show will blow your mind. i have never seen anything like it. watch it. you're an idiot if you don't.

+ last weekend the father-in-law and i went down to southern kentucky and did some fishing and camping. took the dogs, the fishing poles and a mess of fattening foods. it was a good time. neither of us had a watch, so we took timeouts from normal discussion at least 8 times a day to discuss "what time do you think it is?" normally we would look at the sun's position in the sky or attempt to gage the time based on how tired we were at night, or how hungry we were. why did we do this? not sure, but there is some strange compulsion to know what time it is. one would think it would be liberating to be free from the constraints of time, but when you're outside of it's reach, life is strange and unfamiliar.

+ so far i haven't had too much issue with this whole "not using the letter 'j' thing. i guess not many words are stuck with that cumbersome letter. let's get rid of it all together. from now on, call me 'ustin'

+ apparently donald miller and barack obama are good buddies and miller gave the convocation at the dem. nat. conv. if you know who donald miller is, then you might find this interesting. i'm getting a little caught up in this politics stuff right now. it's on par with the olympics for me. i only wish that it only happened once ever four years like the olympics. wait... that's not right.

+ kevin isn't coming to cincinnati out of protest that none of us come to visit him in chicago... nice move buddy. that will work out well for you. you missed the celebrity of russell vance on his way out town last night.

+ i don't know what it is that labor day celebrates. i assume that it has something to do with the end of the summer and some sort of harvest that allowed for farmers to take a day of rest and celebrate, but i could be wrong. we should cease all holidays, observances, and practices that are related to archaic farming traditions and habits. day light saving time? no longer necessary.

+ brandon stockman wrote a delightful running diary of the dem. nat. conv. you can check that out on the links on this page to the right.

+ i'm reading a book entitled "the complete husband" by lou priolo. again, i am made aware that i am not perfect. these reminders are good. once you realize that every fight/disagreement/misunderstanding is actually not all the fault of your wife, things become much more sensible and fun.

+ my dog calvin keep escaping from the backyard. i have tried to reinforce the fence in several areas and i keep thinking that i have finally established my brilliance/dominance over this inferior k-9, but he keeps running to the front door with a big grin on his face and his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. i'm beginning to resent his intelligence and question my own.

+ i talked to my friend osh (first letter missing) carstensen last night. he called me from korea. for some reason, talking to someone and knowing they are in another country is way more exciting than talking to that same someone when they are in another city or another state.

+ watched four hours of season four of entourage last night. that show makes me laugh and feeds the inner "i want to be famous" sentiment that i believe all of us have. i can't tell you what happened in the show though, because nothing happens in that show. it's all fluff and that's what i like most about it.

+ did i mention that i picked the tampa bay rays are my dark horse team this year? (kevin told me that i am not propping myself nearly enough for this accomplishment and i realize that he is correct)

+ heidi is working way too much this weekend and i haven't hung out with her at all. that's dumb.

back to school

2008-08-21T18:58:00.003-04:00

i've been talking with a lot of kids over the past week about the most loved and most hated time of year: back to school, and it got me thinking about this all-together strange and wonderful time of year. in my younger days, i would spend all summer playing all hours of the day and into the late evening (until my mother would yell for us to come in). and then sometime toward late august the inevitable would arrive. the fun would come to an end. i would dread, yet anticipate with great excitement, the first day of school. somehow, sitting here now, years removed from my last "back to school" experience i can only long for those days of excitment and uncertainty. here's a list of things that are circling 'round in my big over-sized head:

+ back to school shopping. every year my family would visit my aunt and uncle in an unanamed large city in california and go back to school shopping. attending a small school in a small town, this experience put me miles ahead of my peers when it came to the latest fashions. entering my 7th grade year, i arrived at school sporting the following: no fear shirt, vans slip-ons, levi silvertabs a miami hurricanes hat positioned just right on my head so i could barely see the bill when i fixed my eyes upward, and a jansport backpack. none of the other kids had this stuff. they were wearing bugle boy, BUM equipment, and, if they were lucky, quicksilver, but nobody measured up to the level of cool i displayed. i give credit to my cousin travis, who, growing up in a big city, was influenced by the latest trends and passed them on to me. i was a god. add in my fresh 'bowl cut' haircut and there was no stopping me.

+ syllabi. this is one of my favorite plural words. when you get to college and the professor hands out the syllabus, there is nothing more daunting and exhillerating than perusing through the details of this document. the assignments, the required reading, the recommended reading (never touched it), the due dates, the planned professor absences that meant you could sleep in on a random tuesday... by the end of the first week you knew exactly what the next four months of your life would look like. i need a syllabus given to me quarterly so my life can make sense again.

+ the night before the first day. did you lay your clothes out on your floor the night before the big day? was your lunch already made (pb&j, doritos, oreos, granny smith apple and capri sun)? because i did. i still lay my clothes out the night before a big day (job interview, wedding, superbowl). i need more of these days in my life. more excuses to fret over what i will look like. christmas eve is the only night that compares. the jitters. the anticipation.

+ comparing summer stories. there's always the rich kids who's parents took them to disneyland or some magical out-of-state place like scottsdale, arizona. various summer camp stories. hook ups and break ups. back in the day, we didn't have cell phones or myspace so when you wrote in a classmate's yearbook on the last day of school, it was assured that you would not see him or her for a good three months unless they lived in your neighborhood. travis faulkner used to always make up stories about where he went that summer, but his mom worked at my elementary school, so we would find out pretty quickly that travis did not in fact travel to argentina that summer to hunt crocodiles and rattle snakes.

+ new television programming. summer was chock full of reruns to the point that it's not even worth watching (not that we ever wanted to anyway... we had rivers to swim in, bikes to ride and blackberries to eat). but the new school year brought season and series premieres, and the promise of football beginning and baseball concluding.

+ new teachers. new kids in school. new prospects. i geuss it's just the newness of it all. the uncertainty. how many times in your life does everything seem so new and wild with possibilities. "this year is going to be the best ever." it never lives up to the hype, but for that day, for that week, we can believe that this year is going to be different. this year is going to be the one that changes everything.

now if you excuse me, i have hours of saved by the bell and the oc to watch.

america, the beautiful

2008-08-16T10:50:00.006-04:00

i'm watching the games of the 29th olympiad. mens basketball game between usa and spain. i arranged my schedule today to make sure that i would be watching this game. last night i jumped off the couch and shook my fist in the air when michael phelps touched a wall 1/100 of a second faster than some croatian. i am rooting for lebron james and kobe bryant. if you don't know me, these are guys i do not root for in my day to day life. i am pissed that some of these guys are considering signing with some european team for 50 million bucks.

what is happening here? am i becoming a patriotic american? do i love USA? or have i just caught a little case of "olympic fever?"

i, like all 20-somethings, have become somewhat cynical of my allegiance to this country. it's just the way we are (young, naive, arrogant, liberal). it's considered cool to hate america these days. everybody's always talking about universal healthcare, immigration reform, and change (yes we can!).i find it hard to believe that the commander in chief is the butt of every joke. i haven't talked to a single person in like 5 years who had something nice to say about the W. is this all his fault? did little georgie get carried away with his new toys and decide that starting a GIJOE war in iraq would be a fun little thing to do? is this where it all went wrong? obviously not.

this isn't an academic/sociological/political piece, but freedom of speech/the press is to blame here. used to be, when this country went to war (wwi and ii), good ol' fashion propaganda was put into play. people didn't form their own opinions, but their opinions were shown to them on a screen and they were told what to buy and what to believe. then the media had to start showing war footage (vietnam) and people didn't like what they saw. so people started making their own opinions and all of the sudden people were burning american flags, rather than waving them with pride. (didn't i say this wasn't an academic/sociological/political piece?)

well i've fallen prey to the trends. i talk shit on the usa. i play into it. i ridicule public displays of patriotism just like you do. which got me wandering: (back to the original point of this post) am i "anti-american?" or am i "proud to be an american... (where at least i know i'm free.)" it has to go beyond rooting interests in the olympics. if only there was some quiz i could take that could tell me if i was a good american...

THE GOOD AMERICAN QUIZ

1) My favorite food is:
a) hamburger and fries
b) pizza
c) mexican
d) any food from another country that i haven't been to but i insist i love because other people will think i'm cooler and more sophisticated because i like it (example: sushi, thai, vegan).
e) french

my answer: a) mexican
correct answer: a, b, or c. basically as long as you didn't answer "d" you are in pretty good shape. and e is wrong too because a good american takes every opportunity to rip on the french (i dont' really know why). you might be wondering why mexican is an acceptable answer. if you have ever been to southern california, you know why. mexican food is more american than mcdonalds and burger king. we may not want you to cross our borders, but if you can cook a good carne asada burrito, then we are willing to look the other way.

2. my favorite sport is:
a) basketball, football or baseball in any order
b) hockey
c) extreme sports
d) soccer
e) i don't like sports

my answer: a) baseball, football, basketball (in that order)
correct answer: (a) basketball, football and baseball
obviously, this is the only correct answer. hockey? this is an american quiz, not canadian or russian quiz. extreme sports? what is this, 1994? are we rollerblading on the boardwalk? soccer? again, this is america. not europe.

and if you answered e) "i don't like sports," then not only are you a poor american, but a poor human being. i feel sorry for you.

3) my favorite actor is:
a) bruce willis (based on die hard alone)
b) sean connery
c) nicolas cage
d) mel gibson
e) bill paxton/bill pullman (i don't know which one is which, but i love them both)

my answer: nick cage.
correct answer: this gets complicated. nick cage is the most correct answer. nick cage is america. if this is a problem for you, just watch windtalkers. captain coreieli's mandolin is another solid choice. you don't star in national treasure (1 and 2!) without becoming captain america (movie idea... nick cage as captain america. perfect). but you could answer bruce willis. i'm ok with that. mel gibson would work as well, especially with his anti-semitic sentiments. sean connery works here too because a good american loves the 007 bond series. and the two bills... sure why not. as long as you didn't answer: george clooney (that character is always making anti-america movies. who does he think he is?), any foreign actor other than connery, or a female, then give yourself credit for this one.

4) the vehicle i drive is:
a) made in america. there ain't no other way
b) a honda or toyota
c) i ride a bike because i am trying to save the earth from pollution and gas is too expensive.
d) large. guzzles gas and has way more seats and gadgets than i need.
e) cheap. nothing else matters.

my answer: a) american-made. chevrolet and subaru. 2 for 2.
correct answer: american made is obviously the correct answer, but a honda or toyota is correct too, because, let's face it, those cars are more american than american cars these days. bike riders are in the wrong because they dont' support the economy and don't contribute to global warming (which is an american cause). large and frivolous vehicle ownership is actually wrong as well, despite popular opinion. that's just stupid. answering "cheap" here also works, simply because that's a part of the american story... (or at least my story)

5) when i go to a bar, i usually order:
a) shots!
b) whatever american microbrew they have on tap or in a bottle
c) heineken or corona
d) pbr or miller high life
e) i don't go to bars and i don't drink.

my answer: b) or d). here's the process: i walk in. see what they have to offer in "good" beers, and look at the price. if the disparity between good beer and pbr/high life is greater than twice the cost of pbr/high life, then i order the cheap stuff. but if i can swing a couple extra bucks, then i go for something good. another approach is to start with something good, savor and enjoy it, and then move to the pbr/high life option, especially if it's going to be a longer night.

correct answer: my answer is right on this one. if you have the money, then "good american microbrew" is always the correct answer. shots! is a correct answer. this is the fastest and most sure-fire way to get messed up, and as an american citizen, it is your right to over-indulge and make a fool of yourself. heineken or corona is a wrong answer. these beers are terrible and over-priced. the only people who order these beers don't really know what they are doing. obviously choice "e" is wrong, but you knew that. (if you answer wine, and you are not my wife, then you are a fool. if you answer anything "light" then i am going to punch you in the gut the next time i see you in public and see how that "light" beer is working out for you)

6) TRUE or FALSE: apple pie is the best pie ever
obviously, this is true. any other answer is just ridiculous.

7) TRUE or FALSE: "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong is a great american song.
the correct "good american" answer here is TRUE, but i despise that song.

8) TRUE or FALSE: i want to travel the world.
FALSE. america has everything you could ever want. it's pointless to hop on a plane and fly several hours to go some place where you have to speak a different language, use a different form of money, and perhaps drive on the wrong side of the road. stay in north america. we got it all.

9) TRUE or FALSE: i watch multiple hours of television a day.
TRUE. how will you know what to buy if you aren't told by clever advertising? how will you develop your own unique identity if you don't have role models to follow on your favorite programs? what will you have to talk about with your friends if you don't watch sporting events?

10) TRUE or FALSE: i own a shirt from old navy (preferably one that features an american flag)

hold on. i gotta run to the florence mall.

quick takes

2008-08-08T14:14:00.006-04:00

due to the overwhelming response to my last post (three comments as compared to the normal two (does it count when the unexpected comment comes from my wife?), i am going to skip the normal one-week waiting period between blogs to bring you "quck, random, and useless thoughts." why am i going to do this? boredom.

+ my greatest fear in posting blogs so close together is that people won't read the last one i did. so if you didn't read "under pressure" - do so. it is better than what is to follow.

+ that direct tv commercial where jimmy kimmel talks about rob bironas kicking 8 field goals makes me laugh. "you missed it because you didn't have direct tv." i missed what? 8 field goals? that's like saying "i had a great dental appointment. i had 8 cavities!"

+ these are the movies i would like to watch in succession:
1) teen wolf (the story is great. once i watch it a blog entry will follow),
2) airborne (for all you west-coasters, the movie takes place in cincinnati. i pass by "devil's backbone at least twice per week and every time i go through the intersection i think to myself "awesome."),
3) the peanut butter solution (apparently only available in france and canada. can we get a US DVD release? can you remember a more disturbing movie from your childhood?)
4) and over the top (arm wrestling is the most accurate and surest way to test strength. i had a push up contest with kevin and lost (i blame pete fosco making me laugh, but it's also true that kevin would have won anyway. that being said, i have longer arms and a heavier frame to lift so, i don't necessarily believe that i am weaker than kevin. next time kevin - over the top).

+ coldplay's "a rush of blood to the head" is a really good album. i haven't listened to it in about four years (i felt like i had to hate coldplay for awhile because i thought they got too big and epic, ala U2, whom i hate. it's all about consistency here), but i put it on the other day and i thoroughly enjoyed it. X&Y is still terrible, parachutes still bores the hell out of me, and i haven't heard viva la vida so i can't say that i am a coldplay "fan." but for what it's worth, on a thursday afternoon in august "rush of blood to the head" was an enjoyable listen.

+ i have never seen titanic. i have never seen lost. when i make these statements in groups of people i get completely different reactions. how am i respected by my fellow men for never having seen the shipwreck that is titanic, yet dismissed or ridiculed for never seeing what i can only imagine is "titanic II - the survivors who made it to an island and try to survive" (unofficial title)?

+ peanut butter (creamy, of course (shut up kevin. crunchy is terrible)) and jelly is the most utilitarian and necessary food on the planet. i eat it for lunch roughly three days out of any given week. sure, i never wake up and say to myself "sweet, pb & j today" but it always comes through. the same can be said for cereal and popcorn.

+ espn radio host colin cowherd makes a lot of sense sometimes. he's a bit of an arrogant jerk, but very often he just gets it right. listening to him talk about how bummed brett favre is today now that he is a new york jet (and the reasons for this) was right on. i hope brett favre cries himself to sleep each night wrapped up in his gigantic green bay packers fleece blanket every night with a half-empty bottle of prescription anti-depressants in hand (too soon?).

+ the big bang theory just doesn't make much sense. why is this the "best" that the scientific community can come up with? why is it universally held as the the explanation for why we exist? this is the best we can come up with? ask a third grader to tell you how they think the universe came into existence. chances are you will be more impressed with the answer.

+ if cars could run on perspiration i would be able to drive from coast to coast without a second thought. back sweat sucks. but you didn't want to hear that.

+ pop candy is a great website (link is on my page under people i like/don't like). i check it everyday. i am genuinely intrigued by pop culture minutia and she does all the work for me. i don't really like comic books, but i can scroll right past those points. whitney is on vacation this week, and i miss her telling me what i should want to know about each day.

+ everybody was right. the dark night is awesome. christian bale should not have tried to make his voice so deep. that was a bit much. i was genuinely sad for the passing of heath ledger while watching that film. he did a bang-up job.

+ i could go on like this forever. i am literally sitting on my couch, staring at the wall and trying to think of the next bullet point. it's enough already.

under pressure

2008-08-06T19:38:00.003-04:00

since this blog is titled 'this is jeopardy' in reference to my favorite television program, i share this simple caveat (there you go, kevin) - last night i saw something i have never seen before: it's TOC (tournament of champions for you non-jeopardians, aka simpletons/morons) and last night two people tied for the lead. do you know what happens when there is a tie on jeopardy TOC? that's right - sudden death. one clue. first to ring in takes all. that's pretty bad-ass. that's what i call pressure.

speaking of pressure (i love segues), i don't do well under it (pressure, that is). i went camping this weekend with the lady and some friends. you know what happened even if you weren't there - cheap beers, grilled food, swimming, all-around silliness. cornhole was played in excess (for you west coast readers, cornhole is like horseshoes - but played with beanbags and a wooden board with a large hole in it). now i'm pretty good at cornhole. it is widely accepted that i have the best form/technique, and i get the bag on the board at a relatively high frequency. but here's what happens every time - i come up short on my final throw when it really matters. do you know how frustrating this is? i collapse under pressure.

so here it is. my list of shame. the moments of my life under pressure (in chronological order)

pinewood derby: i was a boyscout. every year this pinewood derby took place. each scout would get a kit and make a little car that would roll down a large wooden slope. this particular year my dad and i went to great lengths to make a superior car. we drilled holes in the front of the frame and inserted fishing weights to make the car heavier, and thus faster down the hill. when the time came for me to set the wheels in motion, i hesitated and lost out to chris kelly and his inferior car. second place.

spelling bee: i used to be a very good speller. spell check and general laziness over the years has dramatically corroded these skills. but during my fifth grade year i was a finalist in the eel river valley spelling bee. the top prize - a gift certificate to Kmart, county-wide acclaim and a date with my choice of any of the female contestants. the word i was required to spell - "ubiquitous." come on. this isn't even fair.

freshman girls: i came from a very small elementary school. 100 kids, grades K-8. when i went to high school the female options became much more enticing. i had a different look and a different style back in those days, but that's another story. during the first few weeks of school, while learning to open my locker and still carrying around grocery bag-covered text books, i found myself the object of affection of four different girls. each girl had something different to offer. one was really hot. one was super nice and easy to talk to on the phone. one was a year older and was weeks from getting her driver's license. the last was something else i can't remember. i danced around for weeks. talking to each girl in between classes and at night on the phone. i agonized over which girl i would chose to date. i couldn't make a decision. so the decision was made for me. two of the girls found out about my polygamous methods and immediately rejected me. the other two found out shortly after and i was left alone. back to throwing pennies into a cup behind the science building with my jackass friends during lunch.

senior talent show: me and some friends were all set to perform a rousing rendition of cake's rousing rendetion of "i will survive." i listened to, and sang along with a lot of cake in those days so i was all set to sing the lead. the night before the first night of this prestigious event, i backed out. i couldn't do it. i'm not a singer. i ended up playing the kazoo in lieu of the trumpet part, simply because my friends felt like i should do something.

the great apartment fire: while living in orange county i was sharing a two bedroom apartment with three other guys. OJ (other josh) was out of town that night, and when the rain started to come down heavy (it does rain in southern california, i promise) OJ's window was left open to allow the water to run down the wall, and collide with the elecrical outlet tucked behind his empty bed. the bed caught on fire. brent came running into josh and my room and pronounced, "there's a fire." in my boxer briefs and sleep-induced stupor, i ran outside and began to dip a plastic dixie cup into the standing water in attempt to throw water into the open window and put out the fire. with water up to my ankles and a heavy heart, i realized that day that i would never fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a fireman.

men's softball league: three or four years ago, while living in orange county, i played on a church softball team. it was a good time. me and a bunch of friends going out each friday night and playing some competitive softball. problem was, we were terrible. during one particularly memorable game, we were being pounded by the opposition. this was nothing out of the ordinary. but on this particular night, during the final inning, we made a comeback. i acutally batted twice that inning. roped an RBI double the first time up. but the second time up read like a bad 'no fear' shirt: bases loaded. bottom of the however-many-innings-there-are-in-a-softball-game. two outs. down by three. it may have been a full count, but probably not. i stepped into the batting box, waited for the pitch... slow dribbling grounder to the pitcher. game over.

marriage: heidi's dad offered to take me out to dinner that night. i knew it was a perfect chance to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. while eating a greasy burger from "longhorn steak house" i went over the question in my mind hundreds of times: "can i marry your daughter?" i think he sensed my fear and intrepidation and eventually put me out of my misery saying to me in a calm tone, "when are you going to marry heidi? you guys should get married. maybe this summer." granted, things worked out pretty well, but still.

cornhole: during last year's camping trip, billy and i were on a roll. kevin and shorty were struggling. kevin proclaims with his usual arrogant tone, that they will win the next three straight, and take the cornhole championship. like the yankees in the '04 ALCS, billy and i folded like a house of cards (don't really know what that means). again, i played pretty well, but when the game was there to be taken, i came up short.

conclusion: why am i like this? has my life been defined by the failures when faced with immense pressure? i can only blame my parents. they must have done something wrong. my dad should have been one of the asshole dads who yell at their kids and say things like "you gotta win state. i did. make your family proud." i guess i have nobody to blame but myself. the next opportunity that comes my way is going to be different. i will not come up short. i will get that beanbag on the board. i might even sink a cornhole to win the match.

lifetime.

2008-07-26T15:11:00.002-04:00

have you ever watched the lifetime channel? it's not a habit by any means... but here i am on a saturday afternoon watching the second movie with a two-word title that tells you exactly what will happen in the movie. up first was "fatal desire." heidi was with me when we started this one. then she left. for some reason i continued to watch. here's the plot. some lonely housewife and mother of one likes to go on internet chat rooms and meats some pit boss from the jersey shore. they fall in love. she lies and tells him that she is pregnant with his kid and that her husband beats her and convinces this poor schmuck to kill her husband. once he gets wise to all of this, his only option is to kill himself.

couple of "highlights" about this one: 1) dude named his penis "george," because, "he's curious." that's a direct quote from the movie. 2) internet chatrooms. who goes to these? i have never been in an internet chatroom and i can see no circumstance in which i would ever do it. i don't even know where to find chatrooms. apparently though they are the "singles bar of the new millenium." 3) extramarrital affairs are never a good idea (i'm going to regrain from a long dirge about this one. just know that this is pretty simple and pretty obvious as far as i can see). 4) ann heche is a strange lady. i think she's confused about a lot of things, like why she ever agreed to do this movie.

up next on this double header is another winner - "ultimate deception" (what is it with these two-word titles that are so blatantly contrived? are people flipping through the tv guide and thinking to themselves, "illustrius contempt... that sounds good." who's watching this stuff... oh yeah, women).

i can't go through with this one. i contemplated a running diary. but i don't have the energy. yasmine bleeth... welcome back to the limelight. we missed you. so far this couple is trying to have a kid but they can't so they are talking about adoption. boring. where's the "ultimate?" where's the "deception?" i don't have the patience of the strength to go through with this.

i don't understand women at all. across this country there are thousands of women who watch this garbage all of the time. it's afterschool specials for the unhappy, middle age, soccer mom. the writers, producers and directors are getting together around big round tables and saying, "let's make this movie that will drive the bored and discontent women with too much time on their hands crazy. but let's make it moral and worthwhile." it's almost like, "you think your life is bad... don't try such and such a scenario to make it better." sure, things look good for awhile. but the dude is always some sleaze. the shit always hits the proverbial fan. someone ends up dead, and it all could have been avoided if the heroine just didn't get so carried away in her quest for a little extra excitement in her otherwise mundane life. and while you're at it ladies, make sure you eat some food. eating disorders are never as fun as they sound.

this just in. our little movie "ultimate deception" is about to get interesting. pretty sure the dude is about to steal a baby from some unsuspecting woman in a parking garage. he's not the perfect man that he was originally portrayed to be. i'm shocked. and why is he going to make this poor decision? what drives a man to kill the husband of some chick he met online? what makes a clean-cut coast guard steal another woman''s baby? women (heidi excluded, of course). they're trouble, man. find a good one and treat her really well. don't be a fool.

the pattern i am starting to notice here is that people get all caught up in something (usually a terrible romance. complete with soft light love scenes that show tussled hair and strange massaging of the back all to a synthesizer sound track that was recorded by a freshman music major at some middle of the road conservative college in omaha, nebraska). then someone gets desperate, jealous, possessive, angry, deceptive, compulsive, paranoid, etc. and everything falls apart. who are we supposed to feel sorry for in these stories. everyone is an idiot. i got no one to root for. earlier in the day i was watching rio bravo with john wayne, dean martin and ricky nelson. now here's a movie i can get behind. not one, but three people that i can pull for. it's brilliant (perhaps a "greatest westerns of all time" post is in order).

are we done here? that's enough already.

obligatory brett favre reaction blog

2008-07-18T19:07:00.004-04:00

brett favre thinks he deserves something. i guess we all do.

i don't know about this. i have all sorts of anger toward brett favre. i'm not too sure why, but i loathe him (although perhaps not as much as my friend kevin - read his blog for a passionate brett favre treatment). if you care about sports and this whole story, then you have heard it all, and you have your opinion. if you don't follow sports (i probably don't know or like you... unless you are my wife, in which case cooking and singing christmas carol karaoke more than make up for it. [on a side note (within my side note) girls who get way into sports... i don't know man, it just seems weird to me. if heidi got as charged up about sports as i do - it would just be to weird]), then you don't care.

here's my quick take on the situation: whenever somebody thinks that they "deserve" something, or even have "earned" something, then you begin to tread upon dangerous waters. this notion that we deserve anything is completely fantasy. just because you pay your taxes, eat pretty healthy and don't cheat on your wife, you start to think that everything in life should go your way. really? when has this ever happened? if you read the Bible (and i suggest you do, it's worth a look) you will soon find a disturbing pattern: rain falls on the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. in fact, it usually seems like the "good" guys are getting wetter than the "bad" guys. everybody always talks about how brett favre is a "good" guy. why is this? because he wears wranglers and doesn't shave everyday? because he shows up to work and does his best everyday? somehow, through all of this he has "earned" the right to go back on his word, demand that entire organizations cater to his every whimsical desire, no matter how many times it may change?

this notion of earning/deserving anything just pisses me off. in your life time, you or someone you love will get cancer. you're going to lose your job. you're going to get in a car accident. dog's going to die. mom and dad too. entire countries will be decimated by earthquakes, tornados and hurricanes. evil dictators will kill innocent children. you will stub your toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. what is it that we think we deserve? health, wealth and happiness. anytime any of these things are taken from us, or are failed to deliver on our terms, the tendency is to grumble and complain. "i don't deserve this." "what did i do to deserve this?" etc.

couple points:

1) we live in a bad place. we are bad people. sure, some of us act better than others, but when it comes down to it, we all do terrible things because we all were born with a self-centered bent that makes us do bad things. it's who we are. it's your identity. deal with it.

2) not all bad things are really bad things. or if they are bad things, they can be redeemed and actually become good things. you know this is true if you have experienced it.

3) it's not all hopeless. it really isn't. that's not my intention in all of this. remember, i started simply by stating that i can't stand the arrogance of people who throw tantrums because they aren't given what they think they deserve on a silver platter (the tirades and rabbit trails come free of charge). there is true beauty in this world. there is genuine love and conern for one another. there are moments of unexpected generosity and selflessness. these moments should be savored. strived for.

4) Jesus Christ is the answer. what is the question you ask? the difference between good and bad. the very definition of good and bad. it's found in Jesus. you don't deserve anything. in fact, if you believe in karma or something like that, when you really start counting up the stuff you do and the motivations behind it, you start to see that you shouldn't be expecting too much good to be coming 'round the corner. it's not like that with jesus. i'm not going to get too "preachy" here (too late?) but i guess it's enough to say that continually i am impressed and transformed by the person and work of Jesus Christ and the way in which all of life finds its meaning in Him alone.

stay retired brett favre. leave the world alone.

independence and stuff.

2008-07-05T14:11:00.003-04:00

for years now, i have maintained that christmas and thanksgiving were the only holidays worth getting excited about. every other holiday had abandoned me. built up in hype, leaving me disappointed and let down. new years eve, valentines day, halloween, and until the last two years, the fourth of july.

it wasn't always this way. growing up, in the rural town of carlotta (population 345), the fourth of july was an extraordinary event. shirley johnson, owner of martin and shirley's market (the only market in town) would host a fourth of july extravaganza. big potluck. lots of people, volleyball, horseshoes, great illegal fireworks, and the entire community coming together to enjoy a celebration of epic proportions. the entire thing was put together by the volunteer fire department - a group of "good ol' boys" that loved to drink some beer and light some fireworks. (an observation about growing up: phase one - adults are drinking beer and getting drunk, but you are completely oblivious because playing guns in the street is the only thing that matters. phase two - an awareness that the adults are acting different. the same men walk around with a budweiser in a cousy and become more beligerent and rambunctious throught the evening. in this phase, it seems strange. it seems wrong. DARE told me about this, and i should stay away. phase three: you and your friends are sneaking beers from the cooler and drinking them in the woods where no adults can see you. this is rather easy since the adults are drunk themselves, and don't really notice too much going on. phase four - i'm the adult now. i've got the beer in my hand. i'm getting a little more talkative and loud throughout the course of the evening.)

the celebration of my youth eventually ceased. and for approximately 10 years the fourth of july was no good. everybody would get all excited, but nothing would ever happen worth mentioning. so i cast if off. "you're dead to me fourth of july. i thank you for the three day weekend, but you let me down."

last year was my first fourth of july in kentucky. the foruth of july is taken pretty serious here in florence, kentucky. a quick drive across state lines in indiana offers one the opportunity to buy a plethora of booming and noisy explosives. standing in my driveway the last two years, i am in awe of the 360 degree spectacle of explosions in the sky that lasts for hours. everybody puts on a display. and it's great.

so in honor of the year of this great country's freedom from the tyranny of brittain, i offer 1776 reasons why the fourth of july is a great holidy:

1. it's the ultimate celebration of summer. summer is the best season (you're right kevin). right in the middle of summer we have a reason to get together with family and friends, and enjoy the greatness of the season.

2. fireworks are great. i love ligthing off bottlerockets. i love crooking my neck toward the sky and observing bright lights and thunderous booms. i love the fact that the universal response to fireworks is "ooh" and "aah." what else provokes this response?

3. cook outs. i love to grill. if i could grill every meal of every day for the rest of my life, you would not here any complaint. last night i did up some shrimp, chicken, beef sausages, and corn on the cob. my grandfather was a master griller. my father is a man of great talent (he only uses charcoal. refuses to switch over to gas. i love this.) get me in front of a grill. tongs in one hand and a cold oat soda in the other. that's where i belong.

4. northside fest. this only applies to cincinnati residents. but attending this festival the past two years has been a true delight. it's a tailgate party of boisterous proportions (without the tailgates). good friends all gathering together and talking about stuff. you can't beat that.

5. the fourth of july, since it falls three days before my anniversay, will always bring to mind the fond memories of last year. a time when all my friends and family were in town, preparing for what is widely considered the greatest wedding ever. i am going to celebrate the fourth of july to my anniversary in a hannukah-type celebration from here on out. i will call it: fourth-a-versary.

6. watching heidi light off fireworks. i was scared to death, since last year she somehow almost blew her hand off with a firecracker, but watching her take the lighter and set flame to that little wick is just a nice simple delight. she looked good doing it (she always looks good).

7. patriotism. i generally am annoyed at blatant xenophobia, propoganda and flag-waving. but on this one day, i make an exception. cue up the star spangled banner. drape a flag over your shoulders like a heavy weight boxer. order freedom fries with your burger. say things like "that's what makes this country great" in reference to things like sales on natural ice and ground beef. wear the attitude of "don't mess with 'merica" - you've earned it.

that's all i got. perhaps 1776 reasons was a bit too ambitious. feel free to add to the list in a comment.

shot at love.

2008-07-02T08:33:00.005-04:00

tuesday night ended up with my lady and me sitting on the couch, watching the season finale of "a shot at love with tila tequila II" on mtv.

i guess nothing more needs to be said.

but i'm bored and it was all too good to just let go without some passing, and of course, scathing comments about the little lady...

like i said, it's the season finale. picture this little asian girl with terrible tattoos, standing on some elaborate blue and pink stage with massive phallic stuctures surrounding her, as two people, one man and one woman, come to her, one at a time, in order to find out if they get a plastic key, and if they get to hear those magical words that every kid grows up longing to hear: "your still have a shot at love... are you interested?" (i guess they have to allude to her last name of "tequila" by making her use the "shot at love" line each week. something tells me her real name isn't tequila. but i could be wrong. perhaps there is a wonderful tequila family out there. living in des moines, iowa. her dad's a mechanic and he own's his own part store, called "jose's shot shop" (his first name has to be jose (middle name cuervo) and he has to include a reference to alcohol in his business name... it's just the way it has to be.) and her mom's a homemaker, taking care of the 14 other tequila kids, who are less famous than their popstar sister, but nobody knows why (seriously, who is this girl, why is she famous, and why did i watch her stupid show?)).

so we have this guy and this girl who have competed for tila's love by performing weekly ridiculous and degrading sexual innuendo-laden trashy feats to earn favor with this little dwarf of a girl. and the two are really in love with tila. you can tell in the way they say "i love her, i have never loved anybody like this, i will make her happy forever," etc.

first up is the guy. some football coach from ohio, (who earlier in the season had his jaw broken by another dude in what is seriously the best punch i have ever seen landed in my entire life). guy gets shot down by tila. he's heartbroken. he's almost in tears. he doesn't understand. and he drops his head in shame and exits.

next up is the bisexual girl, who admits in the limo ride to this meeting that she is confused and questioning her sexuality (isn't that just the definition of a bisexual? is this really surprising?) tila offers her the key, and the girl stands there and says "nope." tila gets pissed and loses it. accusing this girl of leading her on and bringing her great shame, which is most likely true.

the aftermath is this: tila sobbing in her female-variated austin powers room, crying, "why did this happen again. what am i doing wrong? i just don't know what else i can do."

seriously? "what am i doing wrong?" is this the real question this girl is asking? not only has every reality love competition romance gone up in flames, but you have the unique advantage (?) of having gone through this before. you honestly don't know why this keeps happening to you? maybe because you get two dozen horny people together, get them drunk and judge them based on their swimwear presentation and the nice things they say to you in 20-minute dates. you expect true love from this? i'm torn between feeling truly sorry for this girl, who has spent her life performing and being abused by mtv, thinking that she can somehow "fame" her way to happiness, and being completely pissed-angry and ready to ridicule her for being a tyrannical tramp. i'm leaning toward the latter, but then i realize that there are people in this world who don't know the first thing about love because they don't know the first thing about themselves. it's tragic really. a world full of people who think they are good. that they deserve something. that they are owed all good things because they are "good" people. nobody is good. you don't deserve a thing. you and i are depraved people who, if we got what we deserved in this life, would never smile again.

tila tequila is a sad little girl. and i feel sorry for her. maybe someday she will find a good christian man who will love, cherish, honor and respect her. and she will live happily ever after... i wonder if she would change her name?

assault

2008-06-27T18:03:00.003-04:00

i got my hands on two albums today:

1) sigur ros - new one (not even going to waste my time typing out that ridiculous title) and

2) girl talk - feed the animals. (you can get the album on myspace (http://www.myspace.com/girltalk) - name your price... live with your conscience)

let make make this plain and simple. sigur ros is boring.

wait. that's not what i meant to say. how should i put this? girl talk is such a delight and a constant thrill ride from beginning to end, that i can't go back to "regular" music for some time now. girl talk, in case you are not familiar, is some dj dude who takes samples from songs of each decade and simply "mashes" them up together. the result? a ADD-riddled trip through pop music from every place that you can imagine. this man is a genius, and i don't think that is an overstatement. as i sit for hours listening to these tracks, i close my eyes and see... cheerleading competitions. it's "bring it on." perhaps that description will scare you away, but just listen... you won't regret it. i played it for heidi last night, and she repeatedly smiled, chuckled, and lost her mind.

i love sigur ros. the performance i attended at the copely music hall in san diego will always be perhaps the greatest concert experience of my life. but for the rest of this weekend, and perhaps even longer, my ears are being assaulted by girl talk.

speaking of assault (not really, i just felt like a segue would be nice to discuss my next subject), heidi and i spent the last week in baltimore babysitting our niece and nephew (summer and johnny, ages 2 and 3). a few thougths about this adventure, simply listed:

+ free birth control. it's going to be awile before the braggs expand the family. don't get me wrong, i love kids, and can't wait to be a dad... but kids are crazy. kids are what you might call a life-altering (destroying?) move in life. not ready for that yet.

+ i like being an uncle. the kids loved heidi and i. for the first time since i met these kids, they actually knew my name and wanted to play with me and be close to me. i got to jump on the bed, wrestle, play with cars, swim in an inflatable pool, chase scared children while grunting like a monster, put together puzzles, and cuddle with adorable little children. i like it. 10 years from now i am totally going to be the annoying uncle who says to the self-conscious and embarrassed teenage girl, "i used to give you baths." we all have that uncle, and we all love him.

+ cross west virginia, pennsylvania and maryland off the list of states that i have not visited. only 40 something more to go. i am excited to say that i have been further east than cincinnati. for some reason these things are exciting to me. i love to look at the map of this country we call "the united states of america" and think about the places i have been, and the places i would like to go someday. i need to take a road trip. on a motorcyle. with thousands of dollars to blow. someday.

+ sublime sing-a-long on the way home. i am sorry for my mid-western friends who never thought that sublime was cool, and therefore have no sentimental attachment to sublime. if you can't sing every word of every song, then you are missing out on something spectacular.

+ humidity is dumb. i wish i could walk around with a giant oscillating fan that surrounds me and blows cool air on me everywhere i go.

+ dora the explorer is terrible. i still have some song about stirring chocolate stuck in my head. it haunts me.

+ heidi is going to be a good mom. i'm glad that i will someday be a part of this.

+ suddenly the rigors of a puppy seem small in comparison. but at least toddlers don't constantly display the "red rocket" and attempt to hump your leg at every waking moment.

+ it's officially summer. shorts, t shirts and flip flops from here on out. goodbye pants. see you in the fall.

masculinity as defined by "the oc"

2008-06-16T17:42:00.010-04:00

the oc is the greatest television show of all time. this statement is a fact. there is no room for debate on this one. unquestionable greatness. i am sure that many of you will debate my conclusion (the conclusion was arrived at through a strict scientific method approach, and is supported by a copious amount of research and study).

heidi and i have been marathon-ing the first season (the greatest of the series). here's what i know about this show as i watch it for approximately the fifth or sixth time in my lifetime: the oc gives, through the holy trinity of male characters (sandy, seth and ryan) every single man in america something to strive after, a model to live for, and a goal to attain in the pursuit of manhood. let's take a look at this character by character, keeping in mind that i write this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality...

ryan atwood

ryan is from chino (the hillarity of chino being portrayed as some tough/ghetto/wrong side of the track/you're lucky to stay alive town is completely fabricated and inaccurate). but ryan is tough. ryan is really tough. i've often had the conversation with many of my male friends about the importance of fights in the development and formulation of a man. i maintain that if you have never been punched in the face or in the stomach by another man, you are missing something. until you get hit (and probably knocked down) you will never know what you are made of. and more importantly, you will always be afraid of being hit, which, will prohibit you from ever reaching your full potential. you will never: yell out insults at a baseball game, get in some drunk dude's face for making an inappropriate comment directed toward your lady, have the back of your friends (even when they deserve whatever is coming to them) or call out some dude who pushes your 5-year old kid out of the way to get a foul ball at a game. you think this is no big deal? you're wrong. it's all about respect here, and while i am not a violent man by any means, i'm ready to throw a punch, and just as importantly, take one on the chin at any time, for any worthy cause (this sounds familiar - fight club anyone?) ryan atwood was not a pacifist.

now, ryan has a temper, and typically has poor taste in apparel and women (marissa was crazy), but he was a man's man. a man of few words, yet powerful looks that say it all. the kind of dude you want to have in your close circle of friends. ryan would do anything for any one of his friends/family at anytime. this is a quality that is sorely lacking in the 21st american male. bring back the testosterone... the feminists will get over themselves once they realize that this is the way things are supposed to be.

seth cohen

seth cohen is the antithesis to ryan atwood. as much as i gush over the qualities of ryan, i am just as committed to the cause of promoting seth coen as 1/3 of the perfect man composite. seth is a genius. quick-witted, sarcastic, well-dressed, rambling and loveable in that self-loathing, bumbling fool kind of way. seth cohen shows determination (he was in love with summer since the 4th grade). he can sail (all men should know how to sail... just in case), he wears chucks (always a good footwear option) and he has a toy horse named "captain oats." perhaps all of this is pedantic and juvenile, but it works. i'll be honest, if i'm taking a "which oc character are you most like?" quiz via some flashing link on myspace, the outcome will probably read seth coen. this is not such a bad thing (at least it wouldn't be luke or oliver). seth has the rare, yet vitally important quality of being able to bring laughter to a tense situation, and to flatter anybody, at anytime with a quip or bromide. on top of all this, anna and summer - the thanksgiving episode - that's some good stuff. dude might appear to be clueless and bumbling, but he's a man with a master plan. i respect that.

seth cohen single-handedly made geek "chic." now this is not that big of a deal, and i feel a little ashamed to even have these thoughts, but it is what it is. he is responsible for representing every nerd with a nintendo controler belt buckle out there (on second thought, i hate the gimmick marketing ploy that has this country in a stranglehold because every disenfranchised, self-esteemless kid with glasses think he/she is unique and special and "counter-whatever" simply because he/she has some pop culture slogan on a t shirt that they bought at urban outfitters that was made to look like it was purchased at a thrift store... [and don't even get me started on how the vintage industry has destoryed the thrift store... i can't get a decent pair of pants or a t shirt these days, which is why i have not bought an article of clothing in roughly 3 years]}.

sandy cohen

now for the grand finale. if you could only choose one man of the oc to orient your life after, let it be the gregarious raconteur, sandy cohen. sandy combines the strength and "fight" of ryan with the wit and charisma of seth. sandy is the man that we all should aspire to be. he's an idealist, a man of principles, and the funniest character on the show. sandy is the dad that we all wish we had, and someday hope to be. he's ridiculously cheesy and has a moxy about him unmatched by anyone else ever portrayed on the small screen. sandy has a huge heart. he takes in a troubled youth and raises him as his own. he loves his wife unabashadly and sings to her for their anniversay. sandy would do anything for his family, and often times is forced to do so. sandy lives by a principal of strong morals and ethics. i respect that. you don't see that enough these days. i love sandy cohen. i want sandy cohen to be my dad. i want to be sandy coen. there, i said it. i am not exaggerating when i say that i have, throughout the process of watching this show one hundred times, considered getting a notepad and pencil to write down every thing that sandy says and does, so that i might emulate it in my daily life. just today, i spet time online looking into what it takes to become a lawyer (apparently it's not that easy, and takes a lot more work than i originally presumed). i am not Jewish (surprising). i'm never going to be a lawyer. i'm never going to live in a mansion in newport beach (i did marry the beuatiful and wonderful blonde though...) give me a pair of caterpillars to place above my eyes and a long board to hit the waves every morning before i head into the office. i'm ready for a sandy tranformation.

i've lost my mind. i really have. in all seriousness (this entry has not been so), that i am really serious about manhood. i'm a "masculinist." one of the reasons that i love the bible is the firm commitment to promoting men to men. men are to be leaders. men should be strong fathers and loving and gentle husbands. a man should be a teacher, provider, coach, friend, and leader to his family, friends and community. a man should stand up for what is right, even when everyone around him is living wrong. a man should live according to his convictions, he should do what is right, both in front of others, and in private. a good man is hard to find. i wish it were not so. the feminization of men in this culture is alarming and tragic.

much more could be said. but i'm rambling, and i have to finish the dinner that i am preparing for heidi before she gets home from work (i didn't say i was a chauvinist... just a "masculinist")

vegas, baby

2008-06-11T17:42:00.008-04:00

as eluded to last week, heidi and i were fortunate enough to be invited to a weekend getaway to "the city that should never have been invented in the first place and is absolutely crazy in every way, but a heck of a good time," otherwise known as las vegas. thanks to some amazing friends who made this one happen.

in honor of this most recent trip, i present you with "justin's do's and don'ts of las vegas - '08 [the '08 is probably not needed, since it will mostly likely be another four years at least until i get to go back there. it just sounds official]).

DO: stay at the palazzo

as you can see, this place is amazing. opened in january of this year, this high-class, can't find a blackjack table under $25 minimum hotel-casino is a treat of luxury. 12 people packed into adjoining suites makes for reasonable fares and good times (especially 4 am returns to the room with some members of the party a bit tipsy and rowdy.) don't touch anything in the fridge or pantry. there are sensors and you are charged if you even move something. how ridiculous is that? only in vegas (i am going to end each section with that flippant and trite little statement... fyi.)

DO: play as much blackjack as possible.

i love blackjack. $10 minimums are a little steep for my broke-ass tastes, but nonetheless, some good times were had. i was able to play with $100 for the entire weekend. just kept breaking even at every point. just call me "even steven." my friend brian is an expert blackjack player. he knows all the rules and plays by "the book" (apparently there is not really an actual book, but all blackjackers refer to playing by the book). i learned a lot about playing this simple game. the adreneline that goes through the veins when you you've "doubled down" or split a pair of eights is something wonderful. i could see myself as a cumpolsive gambler. that sounds like a worthy ambition to me.

DON'T: go to this guy's table

my friend here was a ball-busting dealer. seriously, i lost some money while this guy was dealing. he's from thailand. i'm never going to thailand... i can only assume i would come back with only a pair of dirty tube socks and an infectious disease.

DON'T: ever surrender.

apparently, when playing blackjack you can opt to "surrender" if you feel that a loss is obvious. when one surrenders, he withdraws from the game and holds on to half of the bet on the table. (never do "insurance" either, which is when a dealer shows an ace, but that's another point). at one point during one of the long nights (we failed to fall asleep before 4 am both nights), my friend ethan leaned over to taylor (far left) and said, "you should surrender, i've never seen somebody do that." taylor, being the champ that he is, obliged, and spent the rest of the weekend being called out by every one of us for being a "pussy" and for lacking the pair of male anatomical spheres that rest in your underpants (underpants... that's great). by the end of the weekend, taylor had earned the name "captain surrender." i don't think he thought it was as funny as the rest of us.

DON'T: count your money when youre sittin' at the table. there'll be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

according to the gambler (kenny rogers) i am committing some great crime in this picture. you have to understand though, i don't have a lot of money. and at times heidi was standing behind me and gasping each time i lost a hand. it was stressful. i kept thinking to myself, "stop this nonsense. your wife is going to be eating bologna sandwiches for a month, and you're going to have to ride your bike to work for a year if you lose this money (remember, i said i never exceeded a hundred bucks, so you have an idea of my financial situation these days.)"

DO: get all dressed up with your lady and go to shibuya for some of the best sushi you've ever had.

sake bombs. always a great (or bad) idea. any community activity that requires multiple toasts and downing alcoholic drinks like water is going to pretty fun. isn't heidi adorable? she was so much fun on this trip. she bet a few hands at the tables when she wasn't dancing at dick's last stand or studio 54 with the rest of the ladies.

DON'T: end your night a) looking like this lady (if you are a lady) or b) hooking up with this lady (if you are a fella)

not much to say here. heidi and the rest of the girls were all about the dancing while i and the rest of the boys were all about the gambling. the girls got some VIP passes to studio 54, as long as, and i quote, "you don't bring no guys with you." apparently there was a plethora of sleazy dudes trying to grind and feel up girls in the club, so our ladies were given full access to a comp bar and give the royal treatment so that some drunk, 5'6" cell phone salesman with a striped shirt and a popped collar could try to grab my wife's anatomy, that, needless to say, is not up for grabs by any man but myself. heidi loves to dance. she takes over any dance floor, anywhere. the girls on the sidelines typically hate her, and the guys... well we know what the guys are trying to do. i'm getting angry now. that's enough of that thought.

DO: take lots of pictures.

of course, we did not, and that is why i am only posting a few for you to enjoy. a special thanks to some of the most wonderful people that i know, who made this whole thing possible. i hate vegas. but in the same breath, i love vegas. what are you going to do?

new look. same stuff

2008-06-04T16:45:00.003-04:00

time to change things up on the blog layout. it's summer now (at least the 90 degree heat and 97 percent humidity would seem to indicate a change in season) and black just isn't doing it for me. that was too dark anyway. always made me feel like my posts should be dark and introspective. that was the old me. the new me is purely positive. puppy dogs and ice cream all the way.

mmm. ice cream. that sounds nice. ice cream truck driver - has to be one of the worst jobs ever. how long do you think it takes for someone to go crazy listening to that carnival music for hours a day, every day of the week? the ice cream truck business is every parent's worst nightmare. you're hanging out with your kid, playing 'pick up sticks' or something, and your child, with some super hero hearing, perks up and starts laying into you about buying them ice cream. if you don't, they cry and throw a tantrum... because that is what kids do. how do you not give into that? i think i might be a terrible parent. or a very good parent. it could go either way.

posts on back to back days? that's not happening again, so don't get used to it. as you can tell, i have nothing to talk about. i need a week to compile a laundry list of meaningless and unrelated things to share with the world.

skills

2008-06-03T20:13:00.003-04:00

just got back from a dinner at "logan roadhouse." that's right. ate peanuts and threw the shells on the ground (i used to think this was something profound and wonderful. now i don't really get too moved by the whole experience). a few thoughts while i digest my steak and sweet potatoes:

+ heidi loves to cook and bake. i mean she just loves it. right now she is making bread pudding. she's never made bread pudding, but we just got home and there is a loaf of day old bread, and her mind thinks "hey, i'll make bread pudding." i've never even had bread pudding, and can honestly say i have never thought of it. not my wife. and i'm sure it's going to be really good. last night she made some baked apple thing for dessert that was pretty great. baked apples? i never would have thought of putting an apple in the oven (on second thought, i guess apple pie fits in here). she's amazing. and like i said, she is passionate about this stuff. ask anybody who knows her - she's famous for her cooking. do you know what i'm famous for? being tall. that's right. she has some great skill and love that benefits mankind. when you think of me, don't tell me the first thing that comes to your mind isn't "tall." this is just great.

+ fleet foxes new album (self titled) is grand. i don't know who these guys are where they came from, but their music makes me really happy (thanks to nate downey for the recommendation in the first place). also been feasting on bon iver (for emma, forever ago)

+ lakers over celtics in 6. i know it's the safe pick, but it's what i'm feeling. the lakers are really good.

+ one of these days i am going to open up a diner and it's going to be awesome. heidi will be responsibel mostly for the food, but i will make some mean breakfasts, and grill some meat. i grilled some kabobs last night, and you wouldn't believe the quality of these things. i have skills too. it isn't just heidi.

+ mystery vacation for the wife and i this weekend. tell you about it next week, as i am sure our destination will provide plenty to comment on.

+ i played 20 rounds of tic-tac-toe with a client today. he beat me 8-6. he's 13. i feel embarrassed about this. i thought every game of tic-tac-toe ended in a "cat's game" (whatever 'cat's game' means)

+ yesterday i lost a chess match to a 13 year old. things aren't going to well for me. i will honestly tell the readership of this blog that i have never won a game of chess. i don't do well with strategy and thinking ahead. i start to plan my moves 3-4 moves out, and come up with some brilliant plan, but forget the first move i was going to make, so i get frustrated and try to kill people with my queen, which usually ends pretty quickly for me. yesterday i thought i was going to win, but then i made two ridiculously bone-headed moves in a row to totally throw the game. would you think less of me if i told you that i was getting really excited, and then was immediately really pissed off because i thought i was going to finally win a game of chess? this was a 13 year old mind you. at one point in my life i swore i would never play chess again. this was because my friend duane beat me approximately 74 times in a row in graduate school. i hate chess. the ban is back on. i'm never playing again.

+ tic-tac-toe for that matter as well. never again.

+ (...this is getting ridiculous...) i just remembered that i got destroyed by a 15 year old in a best of 7 series of gin rummy yesterday. he beat me 4-2 and it wasn't even that close. gin rummy: you're done.

+ tomorrow is the day for my redemption. i am going to challenge some nine year olds to games of uno and war, and we will see who's the game master.

+ no more games for justin. you just go back to being tall, because, after all, that is what you're the best at.

hey buddy!

2008-05-26T15:21:00.003-04:00

cliff was a really good man. for the past 16 months that i have called florence, kentucky my home, i have been fortunate to call cliff my neighbor. neighbors are a strange thing these days. on the street that i grew up on, i knew every single person and spent the night at almost every single house (there was this one trailor that was inhabited by a large family of "let's just say not the cleanest kids" that i was forbidden from entering by my parents). then i went to college and spent the next seven or eight years hopping around apartment to apartment to house to house and so on, up and down the coast of california. never really knew my neighbors. never really cared.

cliff lived on the end of our driveway. just him and chad, his 20-something son who has always been polite and cordial in our meetings. but cliff was something else. when the weather is mild (not too cold, not too hot) you can't walk or drive by without hearing a booming and energetic "hey buddy!" i'd look over, and there is cliff... sitting on one of those vinyl camping chairs, with a cooler and the AM radio tuned to the reds game. conversations hardly lasted more than 3 or 4 minutes... but if it were up to him, i am sure they would be longer. he was a carrier for several years, and had a bunch of stories to tell. he liked to listen to john mcarthur sermons, and would apologize when he let a cuss word slip, always making sure that i knew he wasn't trying to be rude or crass, but that he just has a loose tongue. he loved the reds. and thought the bengals needed to "clean up their act." he didn't go to cincinnati much anymore "too much traffic," he would say, "everything i need is right here in florence." a few months back, cliff sold heidi and me his old truck. this 93 chevy s10. has some rust, and drives like a tank, but it's a good truck, mechanically sound. cliff guaranteed me that. told me if anything went wrong with the motor or anything, that i could just "stop on by" and he'd help me out with it. he was sad to see his truck go, he just didn't need it. but he was really content, seeing it go to "good people" as he identified us. he'd smile and ask everytime we'd drive by "how's that truck running? that tail light is out, stop on by, i might have a new one in the garage somewhere."

yesterday, as heidi and i were coming home from sunday errands, it became immediately clear that something wasn't right. cop car at the end of the driveway. big crowd of people. chad looked like he had just got home from work, and he was quick to get people out of the way so we could pass through in the car. i asked him, with hesitation, with a sure sense of what the answer would be, "is everything ok?" that look he gave. trying to hold back the tears. trying to be strong. it might have been the first time he said the words aloud since he called 911 just a few minutes ago: "my dad's... he's dead." i pulled the parking break, and stalled the car as i jumped out to comfort this mere acquantaince. i gave him a big hug. what do you do in that situation? asked him if we could help, knowing full well that he would say "no."

as heidi and i sat on the step leading to our front door, just staring at the fence, knowing that there was true loss and sadness just on the other side of that weathered wood, she asked me, "what do you think cliff's doing right now?" without a moment of hesitation, i replied, "i think he's up in heaven. it's a perfect spring day, and he's sitting back on a perfect little porch. Jesus and Peter are walking by, and he's yelling out 'hey buddy!' everybody knows that he's there."

i don't do well with death. i haven't been around it too much. both of my grandparents died in the span of 3 months a couple years ago. that was tough. those were the first, second, and so far, only funerals that i have gone to for people that i knew and loved. i just don't know what to say or do. i'm really going to miss cliff. he was somebody very special, and he was so kind to heidi and i. i have my regrets - should have spent more time with him. should've got that tail light fixed. should've invested more time to get to know chad, because he could really use hope and comfort right now. but this isn't about me. i always try to make it about me. i try to make everything about me. that's a fatal flaw. this is about cliff - a very good man. a man that i will miss very much.